Dance in the Dark
Believe it or not, I'm still alive! Bringing you a little XemZex oneshot. I started this a long time ago but never got around to finishing it, due to falling out of love with Kingdom Hearts and becoming serious about writing novels for (hopeful) publication.. And then I watched the KH3D trailer a few days ago. Holy SHIT that was like one massive injection of inspiration, and I remembered why I loved Kingdom Hearts so much and I wanted to write KH fanfiction again. Not to mention, I'd encountered a massive block on my main novel project...u.u
I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with this. It's been a way too fucking long since I've last written Zexion, and I had a bit of trouble getting back into his headspace. Especially after spending so long writing the hotheaded, impulsive, and not at all introspective main characters of my YA novel. Le sigh. But it's a complete Kingdom Hearts fanfic! From me! A miracle!
Sometimes Zexion wonders why he even still bothers with the Superior. After all, it has always been so empty, even emptier than it is with other Nobodies. Once the act is over the Superior touches him no further. He never kisses Zexion, not even in the heat of the moment.
But it is all right, Zexion thinks, because what else is he expecting? Intimacy? No. The concept means nothing to him, might even be anathema. He never sleeps with anyone because he 'likes' them. Like, dislike, love, relationships - these are the province of people with hearts. Nobodies need nothing but the brief, enjoyable physicality of the act. They fall to it when they can no longer suppress their instincts, like rutting animals. Or else they consciously wield it like a weapon. As Zexion does.
But with the Superior, he seeks no pleasure, desires no information. It is just a routine. A Dusk arrives in his room, bearing a summons from the Superior, and minutes later Zexion reports to the Superior's chambers. The Superior does not bother with candles, cologne, roses. Nor does he seize Zexion the instant Zexion enters and press him against the wall and ravage him mindlessly. Instead, he reclines on his bed, never removing his lazy - yet completely emotionless - gaze from the Schemer. Zexion has to come to him.
And it always ends so soon. Too soon. He sinks to his knees and unzips the Xemnas' pants and sucks him off, and after he swallows the last of Xemnas' nearly flavorless cum, the Superior dismisses him with a lazy wave of his hand. Other nights, the Superior pushes Zexion flat on the bed and takes him, and during those times Zexion can never bring himself to concentrate on the agonizingly slow and regular movement of Xemnas inside him; instead, he feels nothing but the weight of Xemnas' hand on his back, between his shoulder blades. Reassuringly solid.
Always, it ends too soon. By all means, Zexion knows he ought to consider himself grateful for having gotten this close to the Superior in the first place. Few others can say that they report to the Superior's chambers on a regular basis. Few others can say that they get to experience the Superior - all of the Superior - as something other than a distant figure on a throne. When emotions mean nothing, why should it matter if the Superior treats their interludes callously? Is it not already enough of an honor that they occur in the first place?
But it does matter. It bothers him, not in the way an emotion - worry, anxiety - would, but on a deeper, more primal level. Beneath emotion and into instinct. Should he feel satisfied whenever Xemnas rolls to the side and acts as if he's already forgotten Zexion's existence? He never even acknowledges if it was good or not. Even Xaldin, who is otherwise Zexion's go-to for no-strings-attached, at least has the courtesy to pronounce judgment on the session after it's over. Why would the Superior call Zexion to his room if he clearly does not enjoy it?
He must want something from these nights. No Nobody sleeps with another unless he wants something from it. Has something to gain from it. Even if it is as simple as a few seconds' worth of blinding pleasure.
What does Zexion gain from the Superior? Very little. That empty, gnawing feeling after it's over - of course, that empty feeling never goes away, but it always intensifies after a night with the Superior. Prestige, perhaps. But not really. Because the others still sneer at him, call him a brat or worse, and he's long given up reminding them that - to put it colloquially - it "takes two to tango." They call him a whore or worse, but they are the grown men who willingly sleep with a teenager. In any event, it is not as if the Superior ever reveals any special, hidden information to Zexion. There is no exchange; he calls Zexion to his chambers and Zexion services him and the Superior sends him away without a crumb of information, or gratitude for that matter.
But it's enough. Enough that I am with him.
He tells himself this. He tells himself that the ultimate reward is not information - the main reason why he lets the others use him - nor improving his status amongst his peers, but his own private satisfaction at being the one who is closest to the Superior. The one who is perhaps what the Superior desired from all the Organization: a forever loyal, forever obedient weapon.
If only it doesn't feel so damned hollow. He barely derives any physical pleasure from it, and that is the only draw left in the act for Nobodies. It might be better if the Superior were a passionate lover, or a rough one, or even a caring one like Lexaeus tries to be - all those fake emotions, the ones associated with memory and instinct, would overwhelm him and distract him from that aching desire for more. But the Superior is slow and methodical. He doesn't treat it as a chore, per se...but it's plain that he derives little physical enjoyment from the act.
Then why? Why does he continue calling for Zexion?
Zexion dares to ask the Superior the next time they are together. He approaches Xemnas as he always does and sinks to his knees, but this time, instead of simply opening Xemnas' zipper and getting done with the act, he rests his hand on the leather, squeezing the erection throbbing beneath it. Xemnas blinks slowly, staring down at him.
"Yes...? Zexion?"
Zexion forces himself to say the words, before his nerve deserts him. "I would like to know, Superior. What I can do for you that none of the others can."
Or maybe the others do, but Zexion does not know about it. He tosses away this ridiculous thought as soon as it comes. If Xemnas is doing this with the others, Zexion would surely know by now. Even the more stoic members tend to spill their greatest secrets in the heat of the moment, and chatterboxes like Demyx and Xigbar never fail to brag about their conquests.
"I'm afraid I don't quite understand you, VI." There is no impatience in the Superior's voice. No emotion whatsoever. That is the way it always has been.
Zexion decides to be direct. "What is the point of these meetings?"
Xemnas stares at him long and hard, long enough for Zexion to feel each passing second, dripping slowly by like water from a leaking faucet. It doesn't perturb Zexion, not really, because he has no emotions and he has never been an impatient person - when one schemes from behind shadows like he does, one must learn to watch and wait. Nonetheless, he finds himself struggling to maintain eye contact with the Superior. The orange eyes burn, like twin suns. Sweat itches the back of his neck; in contrast, he can find no moisture in his mouth.
The only part of him that feels any warmth is his hand, still resting against Xemnas' erection.
Finally, Xemnas speaks. "Because it is my will, Zexion."
That is not an answer, Zexion wants to say, but of course he isn't foolish - or suicidal - enough to voice such thoughts. And he knows the Superior was not trying to be glib. Xemnas is never glib. The words quiver in the air, heavy and deep, and Zexion thinks there must be a deeper meaning in them. He is not fantasizing or clutching at straws. He only has to tease out the meaning from the Superior's pronouncement. Some later time, when he can calmly reflect on tonight's events and decide whether they turned out in his favor, or not. But not now.
"Because it is my will," Xemnas repeats. "And it pleases me."
"Superior," Zexion says.
Without warning, Xemnas reaches down and takes his hand. Squeezes. Zexion gasps - the Superior's touch is colder than ice. His grip tightens, then he pulls Zexion's hand away from his bulge. Slides Zexion's hand against his thigh. Zexion's fingers brush against the leather and he wonders what the Superior is playing at, but too soon, Xemnas releases his hand and his arm falls limply back to his side.
He feels empty. A lifeless doll. But is that not exactly what he is?
"Please me, Zexion." Xemnas opens his zipper and his erection, throbbing and flushed and bulging with veins, emerges. "Please me, and I will continue to keep you around. Because you are useless to me otherwise."
The words do not sting; Zexion has no feelings to hurt. He clasps his hands behind his back and leans forward, taking bizarre pleasure in the strain on his neck. He likes being reminded that he has a body; perhaps that is one reason why he continues to meet the Superior like this. One reason among dozens, all of them barely sufficient. But sufficient all the same, and for a Nobody, is that not enough?
"There is no other will for me than yours, Superior," he murmurs, and takes the tip of Xemnas' cock in his mouth.
Fade to black, deal with it.
Believe it or not, I did not actually write this to Gaga's "Dance in the Dark," but rather to Muse's "Citizen Erased" and "Legend - The God's Name is Abraxas" from the Utena soundtrack.
Review if you feel like it. :)