Author's Notes:
Just a silly fanfic about the previous incarnation of the Justice League . . . If haven't read the JLI (Justice League International) comics from the mid-80s, consider giving them a try. They're hilarious. I particularly recommend Club Justice League and Justice League Antarctica. *G*
Anyway, I wasn't sure how well people remembered the various characters, so I tried to give a basic rundown on their appearances as they showed up (but not on their powers, because they didn't really matter in this story! ^_~) The story is set in the 80s, although I guess I should probably have set it in the 90s, since in "comic book time" this League was founded maybe four or five years before the current league. Oh well. It just isn't the JLI if it isn't in the 80s!
Hope you like the story! Enjoy! ^_^
~LM~
parasol13@yahoo.com
The Justice League International's New York headquarters had a full
floor devoted to the best security system money could buy. It had three weightrooms attached
to a full gymnasium (though no pool, much to Blue Beetle's disappointment.) It had five plush
offices for the desk-bound members of the JLI (i.e., Maxwell Lord), although only one was
currently in use. It had a conference room
just down the hall from several million dollars worth of monitors, CPUs, and satellite uplinks,
most of which had been generously donated by WayneTech. It had private quarters for up to
twenty people, the majority being currently occupied by various costumed heroes.
It had one bathroom.
Booster Gold, currently dressed in a bathrobe and bunny slippers, was leaning against the wall outside the bathroom in question, mentally composing a nasty letter to the architects who had designed the building. Occassionally he muttered a line under his breath, just to see how it sounded, before casting a baleful look at the bathroom door.
"Good morning, Booster!" a female voice behind him chirped. Booster turned to discover a petite woman with white hair dressed in red plaid pajamas, clutching a towel and an armful of hair products. "Cute slippers!"
"Hiya Ice. Thanks."
"Who's in there? Fire?"
"Pfft, since when does Fire get up before noon? No, it's Guy's Green Lantern friend. You know--the dog-guy." Booster rolled his eyes to show what he thought of Guy's friend.
Ice's face lost a degree of cheerfulness. "G'nort?"
"Uh huh."
"In our bathroom."
"Yep."
"Well . . ." Her face reflected a struggle between generosity and experience. "At least that means he's housebroken."
"Hmph. He's been taking a shower in there for a half hour--"
"Which means he's clean, too!" Ice said, a slight desperation coloring the brightness in her voice.
"--and who's going end up cleaning all the dog hair out of the drains? Me and Blue Beetle, that's who."
"Max still has you two on probation for the water balloon incident, huh?" Ice said sympathetically.
Booster made a face. "I don't want to talk about it."
"What don't you want to talk about?" A slim woman with green hair and generous cleavage (which was more suggested than hidden by her silk nightgown) slipped out of a room a few doors down. "Hey, I didn't know you had bunny slippers, Booster. Cute!"
"Whoa, Fire is awake in time for breakfast? What madness is this?"
"I've got a modeling job this morning," she explained. "I'm just going to freshen up and--" She made a beeline for the bathroom.
"Wait ONE MINUTE, now. I have dibs." Booster sidestepped, blocking the door.
"Booster." Fire smiled sweetly. "Surely you understand that the fairer sex needs a little extra time to prepare to face the cold, cold world."
"So the world's cold. Grab a coat. I have to do five, count 'em, FIVE commercials today and I have to look presentable and besides, I have dibs!"
"Oh dear . . . they aren't advertisements for those Booster-Ohs, are they?" Ice asked apprehensively. "No offense, Booster, but we still have a pantry full of them--"
"Hey, they aren't that bad. I tried a bowl of them myself, and--"
"Are those the cornflake-looking things? But with, like, marshmellow bits and about a half pound of sugar in every bite? Booster, I remember when you tried them. You spat them halfway across the room and said you wouldn't make your arch-nemesis eat them--"
"Okay, first of all I don't have an arch-nemesis yet (although I have been advertising) . . ."
"--and then you wanted J'onn get a stomach pump," Fire finished.
"I probably just wasn't used to them, that's all."
"Booster, the sign of a good cereal is that you don't have to build up a tolerance to it," Fire said. "Now if you'll excuse me--" She tried to step around him again.
"What part of 'I was here first' are you not understanding?" Booster asked, blocking.
"Listen up, buddy," Fire said in a low, dangerous voice. "When you get between a lady and her hair care products, that means WAR!"
"Oh dear . . . Fire, Booster really was here first. Don't you think . . . ?" Ice managed to get between the two, but since they were both taller than she was, they simply moved onto tiptoes and glared over her head.
"Listen, missy, I've been waiting here a half hour! When G'nort gets out--"
"MISSY?" Fire repeated indignantly, then paused. "G'nort's in there? Ewww, dog hair!"
"Tell me about it," Booster said.
"Wa' goin' on?"
Fire, Ice, and Booster turned to find a figure with sleep-bleared blue eyes regarding them from under a tousle of auburn hair. He was wearing a pair of white pajamas, about two sizes too large, decorated with blue scarabs.
"First Fire gets up, now Blue Beetle," Booster Gold commented. "Welcome to the Twilight Zone."
"Loud," Beetle mumbled, stifling a yawn. (His quarters were adjacent to the bathroom.) "Wassup?"
"Booster won't let me in the bathroom," Fire explained with a pout.
"Look, it's not like anyone can get in there anyway until G'nort leaves--"
"G'nort. God." Blue Beetle stared at the bathroom door with a vague kind of horror. He pondered for a moment. "Coffee," he said at last, wandering down the hall.
Booster watched him shamble away. "Man, I hope Martian Manhunter didn't buy all decaff again or Beetle will never wake up."
"Ha!" The simple syllable managed to encompass a sneer. The source of the derisive remark, a man with green boxers and a bright orange bowl haircut, leaned in the doorway on the left side of the hall. "Blue Butthead wouldn't have to worry about it if he drank like a real man." He gestured with the silver can in his hand.
"You're drinking beer? Guy, it's not even eight AM!" Fire said.
"Never too early for beer," Guy Gardner replied, taking a long swig.
Booster stared at him. "You are disgusting."
"At least I'm not wearing bunny slippers, future-boy!"
"Oh Guy, leave Booster alone," Ice said, looking from one man to the other. "I think his slippers are cute." She smiled at the fluffy cotton rabbits decorating Booster's feet. "Maybe you should start wearing them."
"Ice, babe, not even for you."
"What's wrong with bunny slippers?" Booster asked. "They're all the rage in the 25th century."
There was a moment of silence.
"Those are . . . bunny slippers from the future?" Ice asked.
"Well, yeah. They're the latest fad. They're all retro, just like all the high school kids love the 70s style bellbottoms and ugly floral prints here in the 80s."
"Bellbottoms?" Fire repeated in bewilderment.
"Well, maybe those started . . . I mean, start . . . to show up again more in a few decades. It's hard to keep track of all this stuff."
"You're the most useless time traveller I know, Gold."
"I'm the only time traveller you know, Gardner."
"Hey Guy, how about getting your Green Lantern friend out of the bathroom?" Fire asked. "G'nort's been in there forever."
Guy's face darkened. "Listen closely, 'cause I'm only saying this once. G'nort is NOT my friend."
"Oh, come on, everyone knows you GLs stick together like birds in a bush."
"I think you mean 'birds of a feather', Booster," Ice corrected.
"Anyway, we don't care if he's your friend, we just want him out of the bathroom!" Fire said.
"He has been in there a long time," Ice ventured.
Guy Gardner scowled, then stepped out of the doorway and pointed his power ring towards the bathroom door. He formed a giant fist made of green energy and started pounding on the door with it. "G'nort, you mangy mutt, get your butt out here!" he yelled over the pounding of his construct and the sound of running water.
Everyone looked hopefully at the door.
No response.
"I'm serious, dummy! Get out here right NOW before I kick your tail all the way back to your sector!"
Still nothing.
"Doesn't that moron know that NO ONE ignores Guy Gardner??"
"Apparently not," Fire said drily.
As the Green Lantern continued pounding away at the door, Blue Beetle returned, still squint-eyed from sleep and clutching a bowl of cereal drowned liberally in milk. "We're out of coffee," he said in a voice that hinted at tragedy. "We're out of coffee!"
"Sorry to hear that, buddy," Booster said sympathetically.
"Martian Manhunter said he'd pick up more," Beetle muttered. "But we're out."
"Maybe you could try soda pop instead, Beetle," Ice suggested. "That has caffeine in it."
He gave her a level look. "Soda is not coffee."
"Hey, leave Ice alone, bug-boy," Guy growled, pausing in his assault of the bathroom door.
"It's okay, Guy, really. Um . . . what's in the bowl, Beetle?" Ice asked, trying to change the subject.
"Uh? Dunno, didn't look at the box. 'S from the pantry."
Fire's eyes widened as she watched him scoop up a spoonful. "Aren't those--"
"Beetle, wait, those are--"
"Shut up," whispered Booster. "Now we can get an unbiased opinion on--"
Booster was cut off as Blue Beetle sprayed a mouthful of cereal across the hall. "What the hell is this??? I was trying for corn flakes!!" He scooped up another spoonful of cereal, tilting the spoon to drain away the milk. "Oh, you have got to be kidding! Not Booster-Ohs!"
"Good job, Beetle. Now not only will Max have us cleaning dog hair out of the drains, but we'll also be wiping half-chewed cereal off the floor," Booster grumbled.
"Well, excuse me for not wanting to be poisoned!"
"Booster-Ohs aren't poison, they're--"
"The next best thing," Fire interjected.
"Listen, smarty, they sell millions of boxes of these a day all across America--"
"Communism's most lethal weapon, no doubt," Blue Beetle said, staring at the bowl in his hands with loathing.
"Well . . . you seem to be awake now, anyway. That's good, right?"
"High voltage electricity coursing through my body would wake me up too, or flesh-eating rats, but I try to avoid them" was Beetle's pointed remark. "And--hey, what's Gardner doing to that door?"
While Booster and Beetle had been debating the finer points of breakfast cereal, Guy Gardner had been escalating his assault on the bathroom. He now had not only a ring constructed hand, but also a green megaphone and a green jackhammer.
"Thirty-six thousand Green Lanterns in the galaxy and we get Rambo with a ring," Fire sighed.
"Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy! Listen up, @$$#@^*, if you aren't out here in five seconds, I swear I'm gonna breaking down the @#*&ing door and--"
"Please try to restrain yourself, Guy. We've had enough property damage for one month," came a calm voice with a slightly alien waver to it. Everyone turned in surprise as J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, solidified in front of them.
"J'onn! How long have you been here?" Ice asked.
"When I saw Beetle pour a bowl of Booster-Ohs, I decided to invisibly follow and make sure he didn't do himself permanent damage by ingesting them," the green-skinned alien explained. "Although it appears I needn't have worried. But we seem to have another problem here? Something to do with the bathroom?"
"G'nort's been in there all morning," Fire grumbled. "I hate to agree with Guy--I REALLY REALLY hate to agree with Guy--but in this case I think he has the right idea."
"Ha! You hear that, J'onny?" Guy smirked.
"Perhaps a less destructive solution is in order. I can alter my density and walk through the wall--" J'onn said thoughtfully.
"I'm first in line," Booster muttered, still sulking from from the latest insult heaped on his cereal.
"Well, I still have to get ready for that photo shoot!" Fire said.
"I just have to use the bathroom," Ice said.
"Um, guys? Has anyone else noticed that the bathroom seems to be, er, leaking?" Blue Beetle asked, staring at the water that had begun pooling by the base of the door.
"What's that jerk doin' in there?" Guy fumed.
"J'onn, we cannot go on like this. G'nort has to go. I'm tired of him pulling stunts like this."
"Yeah, and he sheds everywhere," Beetle complained.
"And howls at night," Booster added.
"And he chewed up Max's shoes yesterday," Ice sighed.
"I agree that he's a problem, but he is not so easy to get rid of," the Martian Manhunter grimaced. "Technically, he is only beholdened to the Guardians of the Universe, and they seem uninclined to order him off Earth. But I am sure that if we're patient sooner or later he will get the hint and leave . . ."
"I'm TIRED of being PATIENT!" Guy snarled, hammering against the door with a giant green fist again. "When I get my hands on him, I swear I'm gonna--"
"Hiya guys! Whatcha doing? Anything I can help with?"
"Nah, we're just gonna teach a lesson to that dumb mutt--" Guy did a doubletake as he swung around and stared at the furry figure floating in the hallway, dressed in green and supported by a nimbus of emerald energy. "G'NORT???"
"Yep, your best bud!" The vaguely humanoid canine nodded energetically, sending a light flurry of brown fur floating through the hallway.
"I AM NOT YOUR BEST BUD!"
"Second best?"
"But . . . but . . . if G'nort's out here . . ." Booster gestured helplessly towards the bathroom.
"Oops . . . I opened the window to check up on the weather and then it looked so nice that I decided to take a little flight. Sorry Buster, I forgot to mention."
"That's Booster," the blond superhero snapped.
"And the water, G'nort?" the Martian Manhunter asked in a martyred tone, pointing to the rapidly increasing pool in front of the door.
"Whoops, musta forgotten to turn off the shower. Geez, I'm a real scatterbrain today, huh?" G'nort said brightly, looking at the semi-circle of superheroes in front of him. From Guy's white-knuckled fists to a surprisingly irate look on Ice's face, they all shared a similar degree of irritation.
Oblivious, G'nort looked at Blue Beetle and wagged his tail. "Whatcha got there, Beetle buddy?"
Blue Beetle silently handed him the bowl of Booster-Ohs.
G'nort gulped down a spoonful, then cocked his head to one side in thoughtful contemplation. "Why these are . . ." He licked his lips. ". . . delicious!"
The heroes goggled as G'nort slurped down the entire bowl . . . all except Booster Gold, who crossed his arms and looked vindicated.
"Where'd you get these, huh?" G'nort's wagging tail was a blur. "Have you got any more?"
"Uh . . . well . . ."
A flash of inspiration hit Fire. "Adam Strange sent them to us. From the planet Rann."
G'nort's face fell. "Rann? Aw man, isn't that about a zillion light years away?"
"More like a couple billion," Guy said.
"But they've got TONS of this stuff there," Blue Beetle put in. "Tons. And it's free. All you have to do is go there and pick it up!"
"Yeah, but still . . ."
"Don't worry, G'nort," the Martian Manhunter said with a peaceful smile. "I think Adam left us almost enough boxes to last you till Rann."
"And I'll personally make sure that we get ever single flake of those . . . Rann Flakes . . . out of the pantry," Blue Beetle added, heading towards the kitchen. "C'mon, G'nort."
"You guys are just too nice," G'nort wagged, trotting after Beetle.
"That's for sure," Fire commented, watching the dog-like figure turn the corner.
After a moment's pause, J'onn lowered his body density, walked through the wall, and opened the bathroom door from the inside. A few inches of water crested into the hall as the Martian turned off the shower.
"Well . . ." Ice trailed off, at a loss for words.
Guy, although not at a loss for words, had nothing printable to say.
"Booster, get the mops out of the broom closet, please."
"J'ooooooonn," Booster groaned, slapping a hand over his eyes. "Probation or no, you can't expect me and Beetle to clean this up all by ourselves!"
J'onn J'onzz considered. "No," he said at last. "That would be . . . unreasonable. The entire JLI will assist you and Beetle on clean-up detail--"
"YES!!!" Booster crowed.
"--excepting myself and Batman."
"WHAT?? Why does pointy-ears get off?" Guy demanded.
J'onn gave him a level look. "If you wish to inform Batman that he has to scrub down the bathroom, be my guest."
Guy muttered something under his breath.
"Exactly," J'onn said.
"What about you?" Fire said. "It's not like you to cop out, J'onn."
"I would be glad to help, but I will be busy elsewhere," J'onn said.
"Doing what?" Guy asked belligerently.
"Tell me, Guy, how fast can Green Lanterns travel?"
"Uh . . . through space, you mean?" Guy scratched his head. "I dunno . . . Really fast, once we plot out a course so we don't smack into a supernova or something. Faster than light speed, easy."
"As I thought." The Martian gazed down the hall, towards the kitchen, before continuing. "To answer your question, I will be coordinating disaster relief efforts for Rann."
"Disaster relief?" Ice's blue eyes widened. "Oh no, how terrible! What kind of disaster's affecting the planet?"
"Nothing," J'onn said.
The sound of a distant explosion echoed from the kitchen.
"Yet."