Author's Note: This is my first Discworld. It's kind of pointless, but the idea came into my head and demanded to be written. So, here goes. Hope it isn't too terrible.
Disclaimer: Discworld and its inhabitants belongs to the genius that is Terry Pratchett. Except for Dorfl, who belongs to himself. And who isn't in this story. Ahem.
* * *
"There's a woman in Gryf's warehouse with a crossbow. Go deal with it, Captain," Vimes said without looking up from his notebook. It was full of Clues and it was giving him a headache, so naturally he wasn't going to leave it for a moment. Captain Carrot saluted smartly.
"Yes sir!" and went out. Vimes didn't notice.
* * *
The warehouse smelt of things Carrot didn't really want to identify, and was filled with similar. Toward the back, illuminated by the meager light that trickled in through a small high window, was a table. On the table was a woman. She sat, holding a crossbow at an angle that suggested she hadn't handled one before and didn't know much about how to use it. It was pointed in her own general direction. When she spied Carrot, it swung around to point directly at him. The angle now suggested that she might not know how to use it, but that didn't prevent her aim from being flawless.
Carrot stopped where he was.
"Ah, Miss Argy. What are you doing here, if I might ask?"
"What are you doing here?" she asked in a slightly off key imitation of his tone.
"I was informed that there was a woman with a weapon in the warehouse, and came to investigate."
"A woman? Heehee, I don't see any woman!" Her voice took on a slightly disturbing cackling quality.
"Would you like a mirror, Miss Argy? I'm sure I have one..."
"No!"
"Very well. Why are you here, Miss Argy?"
"Why d'you wanna know?" The crossbow slowly lost its purposefulness and trailed back to point at Miss Argy. Carrot took a few steps forward. The crossbow, seemingly independent of the woman, aimed itself directly at Carrot again. He stopped.
"You know, heehee, you don't actually exist! So you can't hurt me!"
"I have no intention of harming you, Miss Argy."
"Because you can't! Heehee! Because you don't exist!" Carrot blinked.
"That's right! You can't! You're too good and honest and decent! And not bad looking either! And look at me! Heehee! An ugly old 'ag who lies too much fer anyone's good, least of all me own! And no talent at 'nything..." The crossbow drooped again. Captain Carrot took a step forward. The crossbow sprang into place.
"Now, that isn't true, Miss Argy. You're very good at getting that crossbow to point directly at my heart every time I try to come closer." She stopped her strange giggling long enough to give him the sort of look everyone else did. Miss Argy searched his face thoroughly, hunting for any sign of sarcasm. There was none. She sighed deeply and dropped the crossbow.
"A'right, copper, take me away."
"You aren't under arrest, Miss Argy. You haven't committed any crime. You work for Mr. Gryf, don't you? Then you have every right to be here."
"But I waved a crossbow at you!"
"Well, if you really want me to arrest you..."
"Yes! Please! That'll show 'em, it'll show 'em all!"
"Who, Miss Argy?"
"'Em!"
* * *
"She said I don't actually exist, Angua," Carrot remarked as they strolled towards the Dwarf Bread Museum. There was a new exhibit of defensive crumpets, just in from the mountains, and somehow Angua hadn't been able to say no.
"You probably don't, Carrot." He stopped for a moment, and looked at her. She just smiled. He didn't even flinch, and she sighed inwardly.
"You probably don't, Carrot, but that's why I, you know, like you."
Disclaimer: Discworld and its inhabitants belongs to the genius that is Terry Pratchett. Except for Dorfl, who belongs to himself. And who isn't in this story. Ahem.
* * *
"There's a woman in Gryf's warehouse with a crossbow. Go deal with it, Captain," Vimes said without looking up from his notebook. It was full of Clues and it was giving him a headache, so naturally he wasn't going to leave it for a moment. Captain Carrot saluted smartly.
"Yes sir!" and went out. Vimes didn't notice.
* * *
The warehouse smelt of things Carrot didn't really want to identify, and was filled with similar. Toward the back, illuminated by the meager light that trickled in through a small high window, was a table. On the table was a woman. She sat, holding a crossbow at an angle that suggested she hadn't handled one before and didn't know much about how to use it. It was pointed in her own general direction. When she spied Carrot, it swung around to point directly at him. The angle now suggested that she might not know how to use it, but that didn't prevent her aim from being flawless.
Carrot stopped where he was.
"Ah, Miss Argy. What are you doing here, if I might ask?"
"What are you doing here?" she asked in a slightly off key imitation of his tone.
"I was informed that there was a woman with a weapon in the warehouse, and came to investigate."
"A woman? Heehee, I don't see any woman!" Her voice took on a slightly disturbing cackling quality.
"Would you like a mirror, Miss Argy? I'm sure I have one..."
"No!"
"Very well. Why are you here, Miss Argy?"
"Why d'you wanna know?" The crossbow slowly lost its purposefulness and trailed back to point at Miss Argy. Carrot took a few steps forward. The crossbow, seemingly independent of the woman, aimed itself directly at Carrot again. He stopped.
"You know, heehee, you don't actually exist! So you can't hurt me!"
"I have no intention of harming you, Miss Argy."
"Because you can't! Heehee! Because you don't exist!" Carrot blinked.
"That's right! You can't! You're too good and honest and decent! And not bad looking either! And look at me! Heehee! An ugly old 'ag who lies too much fer anyone's good, least of all me own! And no talent at 'nything..." The crossbow drooped again. Captain Carrot took a step forward. The crossbow sprang into place.
"Now, that isn't true, Miss Argy. You're very good at getting that crossbow to point directly at my heart every time I try to come closer." She stopped her strange giggling long enough to give him the sort of look everyone else did. Miss Argy searched his face thoroughly, hunting for any sign of sarcasm. There was none. She sighed deeply and dropped the crossbow.
"A'right, copper, take me away."
"You aren't under arrest, Miss Argy. You haven't committed any crime. You work for Mr. Gryf, don't you? Then you have every right to be here."
"But I waved a crossbow at you!"
"Well, if you really want me to arrest you..."
"Yes! Please! That'll show 'em, it'll show 'em all!"
"Who, Miss Argy?"
"'Em!"
* * *
"She said I don't actually exist, Angua," Carrot remarked as they strolled towards the Dwarf Bread Museum. There was a new exhibit of defensive crumpets, just in from the mountains, and somehow Angua hadn't been able to say no.
"You probably don't, Carrot." He stopped for a moment, and looked at her. She just smiled. He didn't even flinch, and she sighed inwardly.
"You probably don't, Carrot, but that's why I, you know, like you."