I WROTE IT! NOT DUO!
Disclaimer and A/N: I own diddly squat and a bag of chips! Actually, I don't have a bag of chips. Will you buy one for me? Well, anyway, this is just random madness based on my life, but told by Duo. Now, excuse me while I listen to "What's Up, Guys?" from Bakuretsu Hunter for the umpteenth million time! Big Bubba Billy Joe Bob is the creation of myself and my sister. No offense, if that's really your name.
**
It was dark. Very dark. And then a spotlight flickered on, and you heard Big Bubba Billy Joe Bob, the prop guy, cursing 'under his breath.' "DAMNIT! THIS (This four-letter word has been removed, as this will be on TV someday. And then a talking pig will fly out of your ass.) -ING LIGHT BURNT ME!"
A voice came out of several mounted speakers that you couldn't see: "Welcome to 'Fixing' you speakers, with your host-" The sound began to warp, and it sounded like a drugged smurf.
"DAMNIT! Not again!" you heard Duo yell offstage.
He walked onto the stage with a loudspeaker. "Are you ready to say things unsuitable for TV and beat household appliances with a stick?"
You and the rest of the audience screamed. "YES!"
"Good! Then let's get on with the show!"
You all applauded. I sweatdropped...
"First, you take the offending speaker," he explained, picking up a (plugged-in) speaker that was playing a song so warped that you couldn't even tell what it was.
"Oooh! Ahhh!" you all breathed, in awe.
I sweatdropped again, as I watched from the rafters.
"Then, you stare at it for approximately five seconds."
You all nodded in unison, as I reached "The Land Of Being Beyond Sweatdropping."
"And then you curse at it, like so. DAMNIT, YOU (My, what a dirty mouth you have, Duo-chan!) -ING PIECE OF SHIT! START WORKING BEFORE I RIP YOUR (Duo! Children are in the audience!) -ING CORDS OUT! YOU (I slapped my face, a la Kasumi. "Oh, my!") -ING BASTARD!"
The mothers in the audience hadn't even bothered covering their childrens' ears. They were too busy thinking naughty things about Duo (YES! I CAN read your dirty little minds!)...
"Then, you take your large, heavy stick."
You nodded again.
"-And poke it three times."
Nod.
"If it doesn't work, beat it until you can see the electronic junk inside. I'll show you..."
Duo began to beat the speaker with his large stick. The plastic cracked, and their were loud, strange sounds. Finally, the plastic covering gave up, and the electronic stuff that could shock you was visible.
"If it still doesn't work, go out and buy a new one with the money you steal from your spouse. Goodnight, everybody!"
You all filed out of the auditorium, staring blankly like cows.