When Angels Fall:
Winter's Death and Grace That Falls With Cherry Blossoms
By: Kiamirei
- Rurouni Kenshin and its characters don't belong to me.
Winter had just broken, and the beginnings of spring could be seen almost everywhere in Tokyo. Green grass was poking up out of the ground, and though the trees still had no leaves the temperature was pleasant; not too cold, but not too warm, either. It was for this reason that everyone was in a good mood at the Kamiya-dojo. Ayame and Suzume were playing happily, and Yahiko Myojin went about his practice with full vigor. Kaoru smiled to herself as she swept the floors, humming. Surprisingly, Sanosuke Sagara and Megumi Takani had even stopped bickering. Kenshin Himura, though, was happiest of all. He hated winter. There weren't many things or people that he truly hated, but he loathed winter. He wasn't happy about the direction the new government was taking, but it was merely a disliking. He scorned those who needed to defeat him for their own pride, but that was a hell of a lot different from abhorrence. Winter, though, he hated.
It wasn't the cold that he couldn't stand. No, it was something far less trivial than complaining about the temperature. It was simply that although it had been over a decade, cold months still depressed him, especially as it approached the day etched in his heart forever. And when Kenshin was depressed, not just sad, regretful, or remorseful, like he often was, he was absolutely miserable, locked in his own cage with bars made of despair. He wasn't clinically depressed, he knew, but nonetheless, he couldn't bear it.
And during the month he hated the most he also couldn't stand himself. Winter was when Tomoe had died. Not only that she had died, but that he had killed her. He'd killed the first person he had loved, aside from Hiko, and in that case it was a father-son type relationship anyway. Sort of. It was his fault she had died, and it was in the winter. The time of his failure, of his anguish, and his ultimate fall from grace.
Kenshin was saddened when the petals fell off of the cherry blossoms, too, but that was a bittersweet sadness, and he didn't hate it. The beautiful flowers falling to the earth reminded him of Tomoe's death –such a beautiful woman, inside and out- falling to the ground, and also himself. The boy who, after all these years and the separation, still used the name that Hiko had given to him. He was fully aware, and had been for years, that he could have been something great, something good. If he had continued studying, and listened to his teacher, he could have lived the life that true swordsmen of Hiten Miserugi-Ryu were supposed to. He could have protected people that he loved. Instead, he had deserted his teacher with the hopes of protecting the weak, and ended up getting used by Katsura as an assassin. After Tomoe's death he had agreed to help Katsura once again –as a soldier this time, choosing for himself who needed to die, completing the personality of the other Kenshin. So instead of becoming a true swordsman, he had first become known as a Hitokiri. And not just any hitokiri; he had become the hitokiri, the one that all other hitokiris, save a precious few, measured themselves by, comparing themselves to him. He had become the Hitokiri Battosai, and had paid for it with loss; his loss of Hiko as a teacher, his loss of the first love of his life, Tomoe, the loss of his own worth (at least in his mind), and the loss of his spirit. He could not kill again now, because he would be the Hitokiri Battosai, not just a skilled swordsman. Also, he needed to repent, though he didn't know what that would do for him. Perhaps nothing; Kenshin still expected to rot in hell after his death. It was true that he could have started over, and gone by the name Shinta, but it was also true that the little boy that Hiko had saved disappeared from the face of the earth when it met with the man who was perhaps the greatest swordsman on earth. To call himself Shinta now would just be to wear a mask.
He was torn away from his thoughts when he heard Kaoru walk up to him.
"Kenshin! You're awfully happy today, I must say. Any special reason?"
"Ah…no, no reason, really. I just like the spring, I guess." No reason except for being able to forget Tomoe, partially at least., he thought. Thinking of her makes me too depressed, and the more I remember how much I loved her and owe to her the more it hurts, even though I've come to terms with her death. Hell, I've even met someone else who I care for. Also, it brings me much closer to the mind of the Battosai than I'm comfortable with. It gets worse every year, and for longer periods of time…
"I see. We're all going to the Akabeko soon, so hurry up with that laundry, okay?"
"Alright," he said, smiling.
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"You know, Sanosuke," Kaoru said, "it's bad enough that you don't help out around my house, but it's even worse when you don't help pay for the meals!"
"If I had any money on me, I would have."
"So you purposely go around broke, just so you don't have to pay?"
"Yeah, I guess you've got it pretty much righ–itai! H-hey! Stop that! That hurts!"
"It's supposed to!"
Kenshin laughed along with everyone else.
"Well, Sano, it seems that it would be in your best interest to pay up, that it does!"
Sanosuke just mumbled curses at him, nursing his aching jaw.
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That night, Kenshin found that he had trouble sleeping, no matter how much of a good mood he had been in that day. It was cold out, which contributed to his insomnia. He was feeling restless, which was strange for him, as he could not think of another place he would rather be in the world, and
(Kyoto, I want to go to Kyoto; Kyoto is where the enemies are/were)
even if he could, he knew he would not want to leave his friends here. They had been nothing but kind to him, and he'd come to accept them as his new family, and especially liked Kaoru, though not in the way that he was fond of his other friends. His parents had died of cholera when he was very young, and after that Hiko had been his father figure, the only other person he'd come to love
(except for Tomoe, never forget Tomoe. She was in Kyoto too…)
until arriving in Tokyo.
He finally surrendered, and got up and cracked his back, sword still in hand. Even after over a decade he slept sitting up with his weapon in hand and against his shoulder, peaceful times or Sakabatou or no. Now, though, sleep would not come, so he paced the room.
It wouldn't be wise to go out; what if someone needs me here if something happens in the night? He reminded himself.
As he could not come up with a reason for his unusual wakefulness, he simply paced. For hours. There was about an hour left before dawn when, thankfully, he found he could sleep. But it was only about three hours later that he woke up again and started the new day.
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When the new day did start, he was surprised to find that it was a little cooler than the night before, which was unusual for the time of the year. Still, he put a grin on, annoyed at the weather but determined not to let it bother him. After breakfast, the first thing to do was the laundry. He found that the routine was helpful to him, allowed him to forget about the lack of sleep and the lack of hunger that morning. The only downside was that the water was also cold. But on the bright side, Ayame and Suzume helped him too.
"Hey, Keniisan!"
"Yes?"
"When we're done, let's play!"
"Yea let's play!"
Kenshin smiled and laughed; those two could always brighten his day.
"Alright. But first we have to finish this, that we do."
"Yeah, Keniisan," came an amused voice from behind them. "You'd better finish that, or Kaoru over there might beat you with her wooden sword. You know how violent she is."
"Sano!"
He tried to sound a little condescending, but failed miserably as both of them started laughing. In a few seconds the girls joined in too. Sanosuke would have said something else, but then Kaoru herself showed up.
"What's so funny?"
"N-nothing. Kenshin's just doing laundry and Suzume said something funny, that's all."
"Okay…Kenshin, when you're done, would you mind running into town for some tofu?"
"But we and Uncle Ken were going to play!"
"Yea play!"
"I'm sorry, you two, but it seems that I have to go into town, that it does. You can wait, can't you?"
"No!"
"No!"
"Why don't you come with me, then?"
The girls thought this over a few seconds before deciding that it was an acceptable trade off.
"Alright then. Sano? Are you coming?"
"Actually, I've got somewhere to be. I'm meeting some friends."
"Okay."
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Two hours later, Kenshin, along with Ayame and Suzume, had just arrived back at the house with their tofu and were currently playing. Megumi had returned to work with Genzai, and Yahiko was again practicing. Kaoru was cooking lunch, and Sano had returned from meeting (which actually meant gambling money that he really did not have) with his friends. He was currently standing next to Kaoru, both watching Kenshin in the yard. Also, he was wondering when the food would be ready, though he knew that ask was to invite her scolding him as useless, a leech who always took from her but never gave anything back. Therefore, he simply watched the food being made, and his friend when he got bored of that. Kaoru smiled as she put down the cooking long enough to fix her jet-black hair.
"You know, he seems so happy this time of year."
"Yeah."
"Not normally, but almost unusually happy, you know?"
"Yeah…actually, come to think of it, you're right. He's like someone who had a hard battle to fight, and has just finished it as the victor."
"I wonder why."
"I dunno, but if he hasn't said anything, it's probably best not to ask."
"I know. He's here, and he's our friend, and that's all that matters, ne?"
"Right." Although I think maybe you wish it were just a little more than that, don't you Kaoru, Sanosuke asked her silently.
And then, right in his ear, she called out.
"KENSHIN, AYAME, SUZUME, YAHIKO! LUNCH!"
"Ow! Did you have to scream in my ear?"
"Did you have to stand right there?" the girl retorted smugly
Sanosuke just grumbled to himself.
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In the evening, Kenshin was pacing again, this time in the yard. Something was on his mind, but he had had trouble figuring out what it was the night before; perhaps it would be different now, when he was wide awake. He wasn't alone for long, however. Kaoru had come up to him.
"Kenshin, is anything wrong?"
"No, of course not. I'm just a little antsy today, and I wanted to walk it off, that I did."
"I see. I didn't think you really were; I just wanted to make sure. After all, you're in such a good mood lately."
"I guess I am. Like I said before, I like the spring."
Of course he liked the spring, and of course he was in a good mood. Spring came after winter, which was when the Incident had happened. He called it the Incident to himself whenever he was around Kaoru, to keep out mental pictures that he didn't want to get. Mental pictures of him killing Kaoru, which would come even though he knew they were impossible with his Sakabatou, if he let them. He didn't.
"It's a little cold out tonight. That's unusual, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. But warmer weather will come eventually, that it will."
"I know."
They walked in silence after that, until they both got tired and went in. Again, though, Kenshin found he could not sleep. That fact made him a little nervous. He rarely had sleepless nights now. When he was known as the Hitokiri Battousai, and even before that, he had learned very quickly to fall asleep whenever he wanted to; he never knew when he would be needed. A little insomnia usually meant that some aspect of his past was bothering him, but this time he couldn't think of anything that was making him feel guiltier than he normally felt. Even when that happened, he could usually force himself to sleep after an hour or to, so when things like this happened it made him slightly scared. When things like this happened, it sometimes meant that the Battousai was getting restless.
It's the cold; it has to be the cold, he tried to convince himself. It should be fairly warm, but it's a little cold, like the winter decided that it wants to stay a little bit longer than it usually does. Perhaps –no, that isn't likely at all. Not at all. I wouldn't even think anything of it. It's just the cold that's making me uneasy. Just the cold. And it isn't even that cold anyway. It's just the cold…
And he repeated that line over and over in his mind as if trying to convince himself of its truthfulness until once again, it was an hour before dawn and he fell asleep.
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Well, Part one is done with. I know it had almost no plot, I'm sorry. Please email me and tell me what you thought. Thanks!
Winter's Death and Grace That Falls With Cherry Blossoms
By: Kiamirei
- Rurouni Kenshin and its characters don't belong to me.
Winter had just broken, and the beginnings of spring could be seen almost everywhere in Tokyo. Green grass was poking up out of the ground, and though the trees still had no leaves the temperature was pleasant; not too cold, but not too warm, either. It was for this reason that everyone was in a good mood at the Kamiya-dojo. Ayame and Suzume were playing happily, and Yahiko Myojin went about his practice with full vigor. Kaoru smiled to herself as she swept the floors, humming. Surprisingly, Sanosuke Sagara and Megumi Takani had even stopped bickering. Kenshin Himura, though, was happiest of all. He hated winter. There weren't many things or people that he truly hated, but he loathed winter. He wasn't happy about the direction the new government was taking, but it was merely a disliking. He scorned those who needed to defeat him for their own pride, but that was a hell of a lot different from abhorrence. Winter, though, he hated.
It wasn't the cold that he couldn't stand. No, it was something far less trivial than complaining about the temperature. It was simply that although it had been over a decade, cold months still depressed him, especially as it approached the day etched in his heart forever. And when Kenshin was depressed, not just sad, regretful, or remorseful, like he often was, he was absolutely miserable, locked in his own cage with bars made of despair. He wasn't clinically depressed, he knew, but nonetheless, he couldn't bear it.
And during the month he hated the most he also couldn't stand himself. Winter was when Tomoe had died. Not only that she had died, but that he had killed her. He'd killed the first person he had loved, aside from Hiko, and in that case it was a father-son type relationship anyway. Sort of. It was his fault she had died, and it was in the winter. The time of his failure, of his anguish, and his ultimate fall from grace.
Kenshin was saddened when the petals fell off of the cherry blossoms, too, but that was a bittersweet sadness, and he didn't hate it. The beautiful flowers falling to the earth reminded him of Tomoe's death –such a beautiful woman, inside and out- falling to the ground, and also himself. The boy who, after all these years and the separation, still used the name that Hiko had given to him. He was fully aware, and had been for years, that he could have been something great, something good. If he had continued studying, and listened to his teacher, he could have lived the life that true swordsmen of Hiten Miserugi-Ryu were supposed to. He could have protected people that he loved. Instead, he had deserted his teacher with the hopes of protecting the weak, and ended up getting used by Katsura as an assassin. After Tomoe's death he had agreed to help Katsura once again –as a soldier this time, choosing for himself who needed to die, completing the personality of the other Kenshin. So instead of becoming a true swordsman, he had first become known as a Hitokiri. And not just any hitokiri; he had become the hitokiri, the one that all other hitokiris, save a precious few, measured themselves by, comparing themselves to him. He had become the Hitokiri Battosai, and had paid for it with loss; his loss of Hiko as a teacher, his loss of the first love of his life, Tomoe, the loss of his own worth (at least in his mind), and the loss of his spirit. He could not kill again now, because he would be the Hitokiri Battosai, not just a skilled swordsman. Also, he needed to repent, though he didn't know what that would do for him. Perhaps nothing; Kenshin still expected to rot in hell after his death. It was true that he could have started over, and gone by the name Shinta, but it was also true that the little boy that Hiko had saved disappeared from the face of the earth when it met with the man who was perhaps the greatest swordsman on earth. To call himself Shinta now would just be to wear a mask.
He was torn away from his thoughts when he heard Kaoru walk up to him.
"Kenshin! You're awfully happy today, I must say. Any special reason?"
"Ah…no, no reason, really. I just like the spring, I guess." No reason except for being able to forget Tomoe, partially at least., he thought. Thinking of her makes me too depressed, and the more I remember how much I loved her and owe to her the more it hurts, even though I've come to terms with her death. Hell, I've even met someone else who I care for. Also, it brings me much closer to the mind of the Battosai than I'm comfortable with. It gets worse every year, and for longer periods of time…
"I see. We're all going to the Akabeko soon, so hurry up with that laundry, okay?"
"Alright," he said, smiling.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"You know, Sanosuke," Kaoru said, "it's bad enough that you don't help out around my house, but it's even worse when you don't help pay for the meals!"
"If I had any money on me, I would have."
"So you purposely go around broke, just so you don't have to pay?"
"Yeah, I guess you've got it pretty much righ–itai! H-hey! Stop that! That hurts!"
"It's supposed to!"
Kenshin laughed along with everyone else.
"Well, Sano, it seems that it would be in your best interest to pay up, that it does!"
Sanosuke just mumbled curses at him, nursing his aching jaw.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That night, Kenshin found that he had trouble sleeping, no matter how much of a good mood he had been in that day. It was cold out, which contributed to his insomnia. He was feeling restless, which was strange for him, as he could not think of another place he would rather be in the world, and
(Kyoto, I want to go to Kyoto; Kyoto is where the enemies are/were)
even if he could, he knew he would not want to leave his friends here. They had been nothing but kind to him, and he'd come to accept them as his new family, and especially liked Kaoru, though not in the way that he was fond of his other friends. His parents had died of cholera when he was very young, and after that Hiko had been his father figure, the only other person he'd come to love
(except for Tomoe, never forget Tomoe. She was in Kyoto too…)
until arriving in Tokyo.
He finally surrendered, and got up and cracked his back, sword still in hand. Even after over a decade he slept sitting up with his weapon in hand and against his shoulder, peaceful times or Sakabatou or no. Now, though, sleep would not come, so he paced the room.
It wouldn't be wise to go out; what if someone needs me here if something happens in the night? He reminded himself.
As he could not come up with a reason for his unusual wakefulness, he simply paced. For hours. There was about an hour left before dawn when, thankfully, he found he could sleep. But it was only about three hours later that he woke up again and started the new day.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When the new day did start, he was surprised to find that it was a little cooler than the night before, which was unusual for the time of the year. Still, he put a grin on, annoyed at the weather but determined not to let it bother him. After breakfast, the first thing to do was the laundry. He found that the routine was helpful to him, allowed him to forget about the lack of sleep and the lack of hunger that morning. The only downside was that the water was also cold. But on the bright side, Ayame and Suzume helped him too.
"Hey, Keniisan!"
"Yes?"
"When we're done, let's play!"
"Yea let's play!"
Kenshin smiled and laughed; those two could always brighten his day.
"Alright. But first we have to finish this, that we do."
"Yeah, Keniisan," came an amused voice from behind them. "You'd better finish that, or Kaoru over there might beat you with her wooden sword. You know how violent she is."
"Sano!"
He tried to sound a little condescending, but failed miserably as both of them started laughing. In a few seconds the girls joined in too. Sanosuke would have said something else, but then Kaoru herself showed up.
"What's so funny?"
"N-nothing. Kenshin's just doing laundry and Suzume said something funny, that's all."
"Okay…Kenshin, when you're done, would you mind running into town for some tofu?"
"But we and Uncle Ken were going to play!"
"Yea play!"
"I'm sorry, you two, but it seems that I have to go into town, that it does. You can wait, can't you?"
"No!"
"No!"
"Why don't you come with me, then?"
The girls thought this over a few seconds before deciding that it was an acceptable trade off.
"Alright then. Sano? Are you coming?"
"Actually, I've got somewhere to be. I'm meeting some friends."
"Okay."
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Two hours later, Kenshin, along with Ayame and Suzume, had just arrived back at the house with their tofu and were currently playing. Megumi had returned to work with Genzai, and Yahiko was again practicing. Kaoru was cooking lunch, and Sano had returned from meeting (which actually meant gambling money that he really did not have) with his friends. He was currently standing next to Kaoru, both watching Kenshin in the yard. Also, he was wondering when the food would be ready, though he knew that ask was to invite her scolding him as useless, a leech who always took from her but never gave anything back. Therefore, he simply watched the food being made, and his friend when he got bored of that. Kaoru smiled as she put down the cooking long enough to fix her jet-black hair.
"You know, he seems so happy this time of year."
"Yeah."
"Not normally, but almost unusually happy, you know?"
"Yeah…actually, come to think of it, you're right. He's like someone who had a hard battle to fight, and has just finished it as the victor."
"I wonder why."
"I dunno, but if he hasn't said anything, it's probably best not to ask."
"I know. He's here, and he's our friend, and that's all that matters, ne?"
"Right." Although I think maybe you wish it were just a little more than that, don't you Kaoru, Sanosuke asked her silently.
And then, right in his ear, she called out.
"KENSHIN, AYAME, SUZUME, YAHIKO! LUNCH!"
"Ow! Did you have to scream in my ear?"
"Did you have to stand right there?" the girl retorted smugly
Sanosuke just grumbled to himself.
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In the evening, Kenshin was pacing again, this time in the yard. Something was on his mind, but he had had trouble figuring out what it was the night before; perhaps it would be different now, when he was wide awake. He wasn't alone for long, however. Kaoru had come up to him.
"Kenshin, is anything wrong?"
"No, of course not. I'm just a little antsy today, and I wanted to walk it off, that I did."
"I see. I didn't think you really were; I just wanted to make sure. After all, you're in such a good mood lately."
"I guess I am. Like I said before, I like the spring."
Of course he liked the spring, and of course he was in a good mood. Spring came after winter, which was when the Incident had happened. He called it the Incident to himself whenever he was around Kaoru, to keep out mental pictures that he didn't want to get. Mental pictures of him killing Kaoru, which would come even though he knew they were impossible with his Sakabatou, if he let them. He didn't.
"It's a little cold out tonight. That's unusual, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. But warmer weather will come eventually, that it will."
"I know."
They walked in silence after that, until they both got tired and went in. Again, though, Kenshin found he could not sleep. That fact made him a little nervous. He rarely had sleepless nights now. When he was known as the Hitokiri Battousai, and even before that, he had learned very quickly to fall asleep whenever he wanted to; he never knew when he would be needed. A little insomnia usually meant that some aspect of his past was bothering him, but this time he couldn't think of anything that was making him feel guiltier than he normally felt. Even when that happened, he could usually force himself to sleep after an hour or to, so when things like this happened it made him slightly scared. When things like this happened, it sometimes meant that the Battousai was getting restless.
It's the cold; it has to be the cold, he tried to convince himself. It should be fairly warm, but it's a little cold, like the winter decided that it wants to stay a little bit longer than it usually does. Perhaps –no, that isn't likely at all. Not at all. I wouldn't even think anything of it. It's just the cold that's making me uneasy. Just the cold. And it isn't even that cold anyway. It's just the cold…
And he repeated that line over and over in his mind as if trying to convince himself of its truthfulness until once again, it was an hour before dawn and he fell asleep.
**************************************************************************** ***********************************
Well, Part one is done with. I know it had almost no plot, I'm sorry. Please email me and tell me what you thought. Thanks!