I'm guessing this is about the sixth talk show so far. Maybe more will have come out by the time I finish. I would like to say that I have so far not written a talk show before. I have just starred in them. This shows how popular I am. Either that or people hate me so much they enjoy killing me in stories. I prefer to think the former, because knowing you people if it were the ladder it would have a couple of rungs missing.
Disclaimer: The authors used in this story are not my property. They belong to themselves. This will however change when Bob takes over the world. At that time they, and everything else, will be his property. Don't worry though. He'll have to get through me first.
The camera pans over the classic Digimon talk show area. Changes have been made however. The backdrop that was burned thanks to Stardragon has been replaced by one drawn hastily with crayons. The scorch marks from the battles that have taken place have been painted over, but the paint is several shades off. There is no host immediately present. As the camera pans over its view of the host's seat a wind from nowhere in particular blows a pile of ash onto the chair. It begins to congeal into a definite shape. Seconds later a largish salamander shakes itself free of an outer covering of burnt material and seats its self more comfortably.
"Greetings!" The lizard says. "I may not be as recognizable as when you last saw me. Considering the damage I received during the last episode I can only assume the forms of lesser beasts of flame. I will slowly be working my way back up the food chain until I have reached the top again, but this time I won't stop there!" Saberflame stops speaking when he notices that people are starting to stare at him strangely. "Ok now we begin to bring out our guests. The first person we all know as the originator of the talk show series. Joining us for the first time as a guest that does not contain chlorophyll. Welcome Mekablu!"
Whatever Mekablu is supposed to look like walks on to the stage and sits down. "And now...." Saberflame continues "The author who branched off of the original and set the tradition of other authors writing talk shows. Also Joining us this time without being a salad ingredient. Welcome Tuffles."
Whatever Tuffles is supposed to look like walks on to the stage and sits down. (will the two of you please tell us what your characters are supposed to look like) "Our next guest has dreams of taking over the world. He is however recovering from the effects of Digi Juice overdose. He will be joining us through satellite feed to the hospital." Saberflame said.
A stagehand carries in a TV and places it on the seat. The TV turns on to reveal Bob reclined on a hospital bed. A tube coming from his arm seems to be going through a sieve and then back into his bloodstream. Occasionally what looks like a pebble drops down from the sieve into a container. Bob is able to breath through use of a tube that goes directly down his windpipe to his lungs. He is able to communicate through use of a computer keyboard. He smiles feebly and attempts to wave.
"Next is the person who we aren't certain if we should them classify as a guest or an anomaly. Welcome Stardragon!" Saberflame said.
Stardragon enters and sits down on one of the chairs. A faint sizzling is heard as some of the hotter stars and nebula begin to melt the fabric. She smiles reviling rows of teeth made from sharp comet fragments.
"Our next guest has come due to his requests, support and death threats." Saberflame said as he began wrapping up the introductions "Welcome Pfulter!"
Pfulter enters, or more specifically is carried, and is placed on a chair. He is wrapped up just as much as the introductions, if not more. "Just returning a favor." Saberflame commented offhandedly.
Saberflame (the salamander behind the desk) takes a drink from the glass on his desk. The substance appears too thick to be water and the label on the side says "Napalm". He sets it down again and as his skin turns to a darker shade of red he begins to ask questions.
"First of all I would like to state that I have no hard feelings about what has happened to me over the previous talk shows." Saberflame stated, glaring at the tightly bound pfultser and the warlord in intensive care. "None at all." He said smirking.
"Shouldn't you be mad at Stardragon?" the computer said vocalizing Bob's typed message.
"No not really." Saberflame said calmly "It was you who instigated the fight and the one who deflected the shots without caring about those around you. Besides, its a lot easier to get revenge on you two." He said as he pushed a button that sent a mild shock through Bob.
"How'd you get that in past hospital security?" Bob asked shocked both literally and emotionally.
"I have my ways." Saberflame said smiling again and darting his forked tongue in and out.
"Gmeph be muota hrer!" Said the mummy sitting in the last chair that was earlier identified as Pfultser. A subtitle flashed at the bottom of the screen. "I am very sorry for what I did." Philzurfer's eyes widened as he read the subtitle. "twts nwt wnu toye swoid!!" he said alarmed. "Saberflame is the BEST! He is really neat!" After reading this Philzurfer manages to work the gag off of his mouth. "That's not what I said!"
"Well it was fun to make it look like it was." Saberflame responded "But now we have to get on with the show. Many of our reader have written in with questions about Philzurfer's story. For example: How did you capture the authors?"
"Well Um...." Pfultser said looking down. "Actually David did it for me."
"Next they asked," Saberflame continued "If you were a pile of ash and Bob was in intensive care how did you appear on the show?"
"WHAT?" Pfultser said "David told me he got the real people! Are you trying to say he caught a couple of impostors?!"
"Well think about it." Saberflame said calmly "I didn't have a definite shape until a couple of minuets ago and there is no way David could have removed Bob without either killing him or getting caught by hospital security."
"I'll kill him when I get out of here!" Pfultser said as he began to turn red.
"AHEM." Saberflame coughed "*If* you get out of here. That's still under debate. The next question is: Why is Bob The Conquerer in the hospital?"
Bob types on the keyboard and the computer says "I sustained a massive mineral overdose. The doctors noticed the problem when my skin began to slowly turn into gravel. The sieve I'm connected to is straining the minerals out of my blood." He feebly gestures toward the sieve with pebbles coming from it.
While he talks Saberflame nonchalantly drinks more napalm from his glass and doesn't appear to care about Bobs health at all. "Next question" the host continued "Where are the digidestined and mons? Well as most of you know the digidestined were killed in a series of suspicious murders. The mons were later found in a dump truck in a back alley. Patomon however survived, but was done away with on Bob's talk show by Eggy. We will all mourn their passing."
"Next the readers want to know," Saberflame said barley pausing after the last remark "How do Tuffles and Mekablu manage to turn people into Vegetables?"
"Well," Tuffles said "I used my patented 'Pocket Vegitiser (TM)'
"You only have the patent cause you stole my invention!" Mekablu yelled.
"Did not!!" Tuffles yelled back.
"Did too!" Mekablu retorted.
"Salad anyone?" Saberflame asked holding his own Pocket Vegitiser. "
"Nobody lets us fight anymore!" Tuffles whined. "Stardragon let people fight!"
"I didn't *let* you fight." Stardragon grumbled. "I just couldn't stop you."
"What do you think this is?" Saberflame asked "The Jerry Springer show?"
"What's wrong with Jerry Springer?" Bob said through the computer "When I take over the world he will be kept in a private room with a door set up so other people can't get in to disturb him. He will be fed fresh baked bread and the finest Evian water."
Stardragon wears a strange expression for a second and then comments. "In other words 'locked in prison being fed bead and water'?"
"I guess you could say that." The computer said as Bob grinned evily.
"Moving right along," Saberflame said as he removed several papers from his desk. He then straightened the papers and they caught on fire. "OOPS" He said and upturns his drink on the burning papers. Then he smacks himself in the forehead as he remembers what he was drinking. He waved his hand over the flames and they absorbed into his hand. "Sorry about that." He shrugged as his skin grows an even darker shade of red. "Anyway the next question is: Why wasn't Philzurfer's accomplice David invited/brought? That's easy. He can Digivolve. That poses a threat to me. So I'd rather not have him around or do anything that makes me look like a threat to me. I don't bother him he doesn't bother me."
"And I though I wanted to take over the world." Bob typed.
"Its not that." Saberflame sighed. "If someone were able to overpower me then they could capture me and force me into a mental facility. Then I could be forcibly rehabilitated and become (shudder) a contributing member of society."
"You too?" Mekablu "I thought only I had that problem!"
"Wow!" Tuffles exclaimed "We should start a club!"
they stop talking when people start to stare at them.
"Next question!" Saberflame said "The question is : Do you have a marching band composed entirely of squirrels that play kazoos?"
"What?" Tuffles yelled "What kind of psycho talk show would have something like that?!"
"*This* psycho talk show!!!!!!" Saberflame said as he rang a small bell on his desk. Two dozen squirrels run out of various hiding places and lined up on the floor. Then they all too out Kazoos and began playing marching tunes.
"Who asked that?" Pfultser said, exasperated. "And more importantly why did you have an answer."
"Stop talking boy," Saberflame said as he scowled "You bother me." Saberflame then pushed a second button on his desk and a mallet swung up from behind Philzurfer's chair and knocked him on the head before flipping back to its original position. "Next question! :What is the meaning of life? Well folks the meaning of life is-"
"I think you can stop right there." Bob's computer said. "I now have the studio surrounded! While you have been talking I have been deploying my 'Solders of Doom' you will not dishonor me again!"
"We dishonored you?" Saberflame asked quizzically.
"Yes!" Bob responded "By putting me is this hospital!"
"That wasn't him!" Tuffles said startled "That's just cause you didn't read the warning label on that stuff you drank!"
"SCILENCE!" The computer screamed as the wall collapsed and several 'Solders of Doom' burst through the walls in varied locations. Then the 'Solders of Doom' began to-
"HEY!" Stardragon yelled "Those aren't 'Solders of Doom'!"
"Well," Bob's computer said shyly. "Actually because of the hospital bill I couldn't afford the 'Doom' model from 'Armies R Us'. These are just the 'Solders of Unpleasantness', sorry about that."
The 'Solders of Unpleasantness' (hereafter referred to as SOU's) burst through the walls and began annoying the audience and guests with their inflatable mallets. Then Saberflame said "Nice work Bob, but you waited too long!" After saying this Saberflames skin begins to grow a darker shade of red, once it reaches a shade of glowing ash it changes into an outer shell. Out of the shell bursts several more legs, a pair of claws and the tail and head change shape. Once this has happened the remaining embers are shaken off to reveal that Saberflame has now become a scorpion. He charges forward and begins to do battle with the SOU's.
During this whole process Tuffles, Mekablu and Stardragon have reclined in their chairs and are eating popcorn. "So do you think the SOU's stand a chance?" Mekablu asked.
"That depends on how thick the materiel on their mallets is." Tuffles asked between bites.
Saberflame lunges forward and strikes with tail and pinchers and breaks the weapons of several SOU's.
"Not very," Stardragon concludes as several kernels are burned up in one of its centermost stars.
"Cheap minions," The computer grumbles as Bob scowls "If my real solders weren't away on siege I'd make you suffer like-"
We never do get to hear what they would suffer like because at that moment Saberflame presses the first button on his desk. Bob begins to tense as electricity courses through him, then Saberflame places a paperweight on the button and returns to battle.
"Would one of you help me out here?" Pfultser said as he is repeatedly whacked by the inflatable mallets of the SOU's.
"Be quiet," Mekablu said and reached over and pressed the second button on Saberflames desk. Pfultser stops talking as he is hit by a more effective mallet.
"I don't have time for this." Saberflame says as he produces a cell phone from somewhere. He dials, "Hello, yes come to the studio, and bring the other two." he said as he continued to fend off SOU's with his tail.
Moments later Jatomon, Goyomon and Golamon enter through one of the holes in the walls. The three young digimon begin to fend off the SOU's for Saberflame. The Talk show host, now scorpion, returns to the desk. "Lets continue with the next question : Where did Bob go?....... What?" Saberflame glances at the monitor and discovers that Bob has left the hospital room. "Come to think of it these questions *are* getting a little weird."
Just then a Building manager enters "Hey!" he yells "There are too many people in here! This is a violation of the fire code! Some of these people need to go, or I'll have to call the fire department!"
At the mention of "Them" Saberflame quickly scuttles toward the exit in terror. Considering that the host has left and the Building manager was forcing people to leave the talk show ends melodramatically, or at least that's what would have happened if the nearby volcano hadn't erupted but that's another story.
(Authors note- Whew. That took a while. I want to thank all my loyal fans (all two of you) for being patient with me. Also, Philzurfer and me are now even and I no longer have any hard feelings. I say we leave this at one for one instead of turning it into a theme ok?)