AN: So this is my first attempt at a fanfiction story. It just wouldn't get out of my head. I was thinking that Arizona would be feeling some survivor's guilt and wanted to explore that. Let me know what you think!
Callie sighed as she pushed the door of the apartment open. It had been yet another bad day. She wondered how long she had to wait until there were good days again. She looked around the apartment and it was obvious that Arizona had not gotten out of their- her bed yet again. The living room was a mess with Sophia's toys scattered around everywhere and the couch that was now Callie's bed all rumpled. The brunette was glad that it was late and that Sophia had fallen asleep in her car seat as they drove home. She carried Sophia to her room and put her into crib as she let out a little whimper. "Mama."
"Sorry, baby. Soon your Mama will be better. We will get her back." She covered Sophia with her blanket and crept back into the living room. Callie walked over to her former bedroom. She gathered up her courage and opened the door. She was disappointed to see that Arizona hadn't even moved. She had her back to the door and was still staring at the wall as if it held all of the secrets of the universe. Callie felt all of the anger that she had been pushing down all day start to well up in her. She had seen all of the pitying looks that everyone was giving her. Derek was walking on eggshells around her and Alex couldn't even look her in the eye. She was tired of it.
"GET UP ARIZONA!" Callie shouted. "You are alive, and your daughter needs you! I need you! Mark is dead. You are alive. Please, get up!" Arizona rolled over and glared at her with ice cold eyes.
"Do you know how many days I spent wishing that Mark Sloan was dead?" Arizona asked coldly. "I wished and wished that he would just disappear. I wished he was gone! I prayed that lightning would strike him down and that you and I could have our family. OUR family, not our daughter with Mark. I wanted to raise his daughter without him. Looks like I finally got my wish."
"Arizona…"
"No, you don't get it! It wasn't my dream!" Arizona cried. "I didn't want Christmas mornings with Mark but that's what I got. And, finally, I came to the conclusion that maybe, it wasn't such a bad thing. I got a beautiful daughter, and I got a brother. I learned to love Mark, and all of his faults, for our daughter. I did it for Sophia. She needed her father in her life. And now he's gone! Just like all of the other men in my life. First Tim, then Nick, and now Mark! It's probably for the best that I'm gay, because all of the men in my life die. Sophia needs her father, but instead she gets a broken woman who can't even get to the bathroom without help. Now, I wish everyday that I could trade places with him. I wish every day that I was the one who was dead, because you and Sophia deserve so much better. And I hate myself for that. I am not a good man in a storm, I'm just pathetic."
Arizona had curled up on the bed and was clutching the sheets like they were the only things that were keeping her alive. Callie was stunned. She had no idea of the guilt that her wife was holding onto each day. She slowly made her way into the room and sat down at the edge of the bed. She started rubbing Arizona's back like she had after every tiny coffins nightmare. She was surprised when Arizona did not flinch away like she had every other time Callie had tried to touch her.
"I feel guilty too, you know," the brunette said softly. "Because every day I thank God that it was Mark that died and not you. Sophia needs you. I need YOU. I could not keep living without you. You may feel broken now, but me and Sophia will fix you. Until you are done feeling angry and guilty, we will wait. We will never leave."
"Thank you, Calliope," Arizona whispered quietly. And they sat there in silence. Callie felt that feeling of hopelessness that had been her constant companion since the plane crash start to fade into a tiny glimmer of hope. It was a start back to where they were. It was a start.