Hello readers! Welcome to "Two heads are better than one", our (I'll get to that in a second) newest masterpiece. This story is first and foremost a comedy. Plot, character development and all that is second to us having fun writing, and you hopefully having fun reading. If you spot any mistakes -chronology, names, impossibilities, etc.- feel free to point them out, preferably in a nice way, and we'll (again, I'm getting to that) see about fixing it. This story is co-written (see, I'm getting to it,) by myself, Peeves' best friend, and my dear friend, MsCalypso ( u/4645591/MsCalypso ). We both have other works in progress (hers noticably more productive than mine), but seeing as my profile has been around longer and gets more hits, we decided to post this story on my profile to get it more attention.
Now, about the story. This story is about James Sirius Potter. Only, James Sirius Potter is actually James Potter and Sirius Black. Somehow, Harry Potter's father and godfather managed to get reincarnated as the same person. The rest, you'll have to find out for yourself.
DISCLAIMER: WE DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! AND READ THE STUFF ABOVE THIS AND AT THE END OF THIS! IT'S IMPORTANT!
TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
Chapter one
James Sirius Potter had never expected to return to Hogwarts.
Excuse me, James Potter AND Sirius Black had never expected to return to Hogwarts.
Sirius, I'm trying to do an inner monologue here..
Yes well, you don't sound as cool as you think you sound. I'm not a Potter. And I'm not you.
Will you .. just.. Sorting hat! Pay attention!
I couldn't even pay attention the first time around! And the time for inner monologuing is over Prongsy! You'll have to get used to inner dialoguing!
Of all the people in the world, I just had to get stuck with you. Again.
Oh pishposh, you know you love me!
Love you? I don't love you, I-
Am I interrupting something boys?
YES!
I mean, no, damn. Padfoot. We should have foreseen this little S.H.O.R.-
Spelling doesn't work Potter. You tried that last time.
Yeah Potter, come up with some new tricks.
SIRIUS! Be serious.
Best pun you could come up with Prongsy?
Well aren't you two adorable, how long has this little reunion been going on?
I do not feel comfortable sharing that information.
Oh get over it Prongs, so we had to go through the diaper-stage of life again, there were bright sides to it as well!
Like what?
I'd have thought it was obvious! We actually got to remember the breastfeeding this time around, and from a hottie as well!
SIRIUS! Why do you always go too far? Seriously, that's my son's wife.
Oh I'm being very Sirius.
SIRIUS!
You started it!
Riiiiiiiiiiight. I'm not getting paid enough to listen to the two of you bickering.
If I'm correct you don't get paid at all, you silly old sombrero.
Will you just get it over with and place us into a house already.
Ehm. Not just A house. We need THE house. Gryffindor please. And would you hurry; we're hungry.
Maybe it would be best if we didn't piss off the sombrero.
I'm NOT a sombrero!
Yes yes. Now. Hurry. They are staring at us.
Ugh. Get out of my head.
Or… hear me out, - I've had this theory for a long time – you get out of my head?
Ahum, Prongs?
Our head, sorry, our head.
Blast. Another seven years of terror. Fine. You're McGonagall's problem now.
Let's not tell her about this little chat, okay?
Now that depends, why wouldn't I?
Because that would make our lives hell.
Which would mean we would have to make your life hell in return.
Any more than the last time you two were around? I don't see how that's possible.
You too!? What is up with people holding past events against me!? I blew my nose in you once. ONCE!
Wait, you did what? Where was I during all of this?
Why with dearest Lily of course! The word fornicating comes to mind.
Oh, that's alright then.
GRYFFINDOR! Now get away from me you idiots! Your secret's safe with me, just leave me alone!
Deal!
Quickly, James Sirius Potter took off the sorting hat, and arrogantly walked over to the Gryffindor table filled with fervently clapping Gryffindor students. Dropping down on the bench beside a ridiculously tiny blond boy, James Sirius stared at the empty golden plate in front of him and could almost hear his stomach growl. Then, his attention jumped back to the new kid getting sorted. The silly old sombrero, as James Sirius had called it, was almost falling off of the new pupil's head. Then the kid got sorted into Hufflepuff. No surprise there. The boy almost tripped over his own feet making his way to the yellow table.
I think that went quite well!
We need to redefine your definition of 'well'. It was easy enough to fool that son of mine as we were 'growing up'. But I'm also quite convinced that he got hit over the head with something during the last war.
Didn't that Neville kid hit him with a sword, by accident? Also, isn't he a professor?
Aye.
Are we really going back to 'aye'? Wasn't last summer enough torture for me?
Aye!
I think someone is talking to us.
Wait what?
While we are inner-dialoguing in here, someone is talking to us out there.
Who was on watch-the-outside duty!?
There's nothing to be gained from pointing fingers and placing blame! We're getting weird looks! Think fast!
Uh. Uh. Uh. Ok. I got this
"Hi, I'm James" *cough* "Sirius Potter. James Sirius Potter, nice to meet you."
REALLY? Did you seriously just take over mid sentence just to use our full name?
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, maybe you shouldn't be a meanie and ignore the fact that that son of yours, as you call him, named us after the both of us!
Wait what?
I don't even know anymore. Freakin' pronouns.
Onderkant formulier
"Hello!" James Sirius Potter heard "My name is Keith. So you're in Gryffindor too huh? Cool, right? I always wanted to be in Gryffindor!"
Keith sounds like a little girl
A very annoying little girl.
A very annoying little girl who is never going to get laid.
The kid's eleven Sirius. Stranger danger.
We're eleven. God. Ugh, Keith, thanks for almost making me throw up in my mouth.
I don't like him, let's stare him down!
James Sirius stared intently at Keith, who looked back uncomprehendingly. When James Sirius didn't relent, Keith started to shift in place awkwardly, fumbling with his sleeve, trying to avoid James Sirius's intense glare.
GLARE HARDER!
I'm glaring as hard as I can!
You're obviously failing, here, let me try!
Sirius don't!
JSP's face contorted awkwardly for a second before evening out again. Keith opened his mouth to ask if he was okay, when JSP turned his stare right back at him, opening his eyes as wide as they could go, leaning forward in his seat as far as he could, as he breathed deeply through his nose. Keith paled, looked up again, let out a little whimper, and stood up to go sit further down the table.
See? THAT's how you glare!
Congratulations, you just scared an eleven year old kid. I'd pat you on the shoulder if I could.
Do you want to try?
Let's not.
Oooh, look! It's McGonagall! Aw, after all those years, she still looks ready to strangle us at any moment.
We saw her two weeks ago.. When she came by the house.. remember?
Will you let me have my moment!
Not after you scared the eleven-year-old.
The one thing James and Sirius did agree on, was that while Minerva McGonagall was quite the impressive headmistress, she was no Dumbledore. No hidden puns in her speech, no welcome songs, not even a mention of a lemon drop, instead, they were once again banned from the forest, and - weirdly enough - the Northern Tower.
James. pssht. James…
No one else can hear you but me!
Yeah, I know, tell me about it. Anyways, why wouldn't we be allowed in the Northern tower? And more importantly, does this mean we don't have Astronomy?
More importantly, more importantly, does this mean we're using the Cloak tonight to sneak into the Northern Tower?
I am appalled that you even dare ask me that.
Fair point.
So, we're waiting for... what, exactly?
We're waiting for the Prefects to take us to the Common Room, which we don't know the location of.
Oh... Right. We're eleven.
Precisely.
Can we be an eleven year old naturally gifted at finding our Common Room?
No Sirius, we cannot.
Aww man, sharing a body with you sucks!
Could've been worse.
I honestly don't see how right now.
You could've gotten stuck with a poof.
... How's that different from being stuck with you?
Shut up you scruffy street dog. Also, how would we enter, it's not like we know the password.
Don't tell me you have lost your charms now that you're eleven? Or, rather, tell me that you have, I'd like to see you disappointed when Fatty tells you to go fuck yourself.
If only I could slap myself without making myself a social outcast..
Slap US. You'd think that after eleven years you'd get that down, Prongs! .. WHY ARE WE STANDING UP?!
We're going to the common room with the first years. Stop freaking out whenever we move.
You promised me you would inform me before you moved the body.
Yeah, well, sometimes there is no time for that!
NO TIME FOR THAT? NO TIME FOR THAT? YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME A HEART ATTACK!
You're SUCH a drama queen Padfoot.
Don't talk to me, I'm mad at you.
Oh yes, because you haven't tried this a thousand times before.
...
...
...
...
STOP THINKING ellipsis!
Or else what? You're already ignoring me. Also, we're about to reach the Fat Lady, if we want to get the password, we should pay attention.
We-
Also also, I won.
... You're blocking our feet.
Then you better apologize Potter.
WE NEED THE PASSWORD
APOLOGIZE OR WE WILL SLEEP OUTSIDE TONIGHT!
Fine, I'm sorry, okay.
Sorry for what, you should specify.
I DON'T KNOW! I'm just sorry okay, I'll be nicer.
That's the spirit.
Suddenly, James Sirius's feet started to move again, and he almost had to run to catch up with his new classmates. Almost, for he was James Sirius Potter, and he had flair. Coming to a halt in front of the prefect, he slickly messed up his hair. Sternly, the prefect looked around to see if everyone was present before his eyes came to rest upon James Sirius.
I don't like him.
You don't like anyone.
I like myself.
Nobody else does.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE NICER!
I say a lot of things.
You are so lucky we're sharing this body.
See, that's just not true. Even when we were both still, you know, alive and separate, you couldn't take me.
... Why are we friends again?
How do you keep forgetting this? We've been over that question a thousand times!
Well your behavior is so bad, it keeps reoccurring to me!
*sigh* Fine, we're still friends because of all the fun we have had and can still have together.
Did you really just think '*sigh*' ? First with the ellipsis's and now this.
Well I need to get my message across somehow!
Okay, so, you are not going to like this.
What is it now?
We missed the password, Fatty's portrait is open and the little ones are entering.
By Merlin's stained boxers! You are on watch-the-outside-duty! You're supposed to keep an eye on things!
Well, I tried, but then you acted all arrogant again.
This is not my fault.
It never is!
Ugh. Let's just go.
James Sirius Potter blinked, and suddenly shot into action, causing the other first years around him to look up in surprise. The dark haired boy gave off the impression of being on lockdown half the time. James Sirius climbed through the portrait hole and entered the cozy, circular Gryffindor Common Room. He sighed contently.
Just like I remember.
Amen brother.
The good times we had here. All the pranks planned. The hours of studying we went through to master our Animagus forms. My heroic attempts at wooing Lily. The one time when we managed to use the fire to Floo the Minister's office, and you decided that your bladder needed to be emptied right then and there. Oh, and when we won the Quidditch Cup for the first time and we had the-
Not to stop you from reminiscing, but if we want first pick at a bed this would be a good time to fool the other firsties into using the wrong stairs, seeing as the Prefects appear to have forgotten the little detail of directing us to the proper staircase.
Muhahahahaa
Don't. Just. Don't laugh manically in our head. It gives me headaches.
MUHAHAHAHHAHAAAA -uhg uggh.
Suddenly, James Sirius started coughing relentlessly, Causing Keith, who was coincidentally standing next to him, to ask worriedly:
"Are you okay, James?"
James SIRIUS. GOD DAMNIT.
"Yes Keith, I'm perfectly fine." James Sirius said after he had finished coughing. "Let's go to the dormitories, I think it's the stairs on the right, you go on ahead, I'm going to look for some water."
And that is how you get first pick.
By stealing my idea and acting all superior to me once you've done so? Oh sure it is.
Just. Shut up and let's watch the chaos, Keith's taking charge, the other dolts are actually following him.
And indeed, Keith had spoken to his fellow first year boys, and was currently leading the group of seven towards the stairs.
Damnit.
What?
Remember how I carried around those shrunken packets of microwave popcorn? Those would've been magnificent right now.
Ah yes, one of the many things for which we will forever be grateful to Lily-flower.
I really miss her Pad. I mean, she was- THAT'S HILARIOUS!
BWAHAHAHAHA
The first year Gryffindor boys had gotten quite far up the girls' stairs, but finally the protective enchantment had activated, transforming the steps into a steep slide, which had sent the boys rocketing downwards, only for them to end up in a groaning pile of limbs.
Let's go pick out a bed, shall we?
Let's! After you, old chap.
Oh no I couldn't possibly. After you.
No need to be polite. After you.
I've just found one of the advantages this whole sharing a body thing has. Can't believe it took me eleven years.
Do explain.
We can just go at the same time!
Brilliant!
Indeed! So, after us?
Marvelous! After us indeed!
And with that James Sirius was off, bypassing the pile that consisted of his fellow first years, taking extra care to step on Keith's extended hand, and climbing the stairs to his dormitory.
Toodles!
Grinning arrogantly, James Sirius pushed open the heavy oak door with the brass number one it, and the door revealed a far too familiar circular room filled with not the expected 5, but 8, large and comfortable beds. James Sirius smiled.
That one.
You mean your old one?
Yes. That one.
Well.. I was going to say that I wanted my old one, but let's face it, yours always had the better window.
Exactly.
Dropping onto the bed which was the furthest from the door, James Sirius looked outside of the window.
I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to my second time at Hogwarts.
*content sigh* I agree my old friend, I agree.
Then the door opened, and his fellow first years stumbled in all bruised up.
"Hello fellows." James Sirius grinned. "Hope you don't mind, I picked my bed already."
The next two hours passed slowly, as James Sirius waited for his fellows to fall asleep. One by one, the others' breathing evened out. Slowly, he rose out of bed, silently opening his trunk.
Where did we put it again?
Near the bottom you dolt, just be patient and let me -
What's that?
A note.
Yes I noticed. What does it say?
If you'd unclench our hands so I can pick it up, maybe we could find out.
Fair enough.
James Sirius pulled out the note, and turned it around.
That handwriting looks awfully familiar.
Why did you have to die before you could raise him in mischief?
That blithering idiot is trying to be a responsible father!
With shaking hands James Sirius read the note Harry Potter, his father, son and godchild had written to him.
James
JAMES SIRIUS!
Are you going to do that every time?
While I admire how you managed to sneak into my office unnoticed, it also worries me what you might do at Hogwarts if you could be invisible using my Invisibility Cloak. Instead, consider this a challenge. Don't prank too much and remember you are there to study. You will get what is yours in due time.
Love, Dad.
Ps. Write your mother, she wants weekly updates.
Yep. I fathered an idiot.
As long as you're aware of that.
This throws a wrench in our plans though.
I don't see how.
Really? You don't see how?
Are you going to make me feel stupid?
I'm going to do my very best at least.
Oh boy.
Tell me, Sirius, which day is it?
September first.
And how much magic are we actually capable of at this moment in time?
None...
What about the Cloak, or the Map?
The Cloak's still at home and Teddy refused to give us the Map, because we "Haven't earned it yet." Which we both know is an excuse. He wants to keep using it so he can sneak into the castle and pork Victoire for another year.
She's a fifth year! THEY'RE NOT BUMPING UGLIES!
Says you. Now, continue making me feel stupid.
Right. We can't do magic, we don't have the Cloak or the Map and it's September first. Now remind me. What's the second most patrolled day of the year?
... Aww man.
Exactly. There's the night after the end of year feast, and that's immediately followed by the night of September first, when all of the teachers are out and patrolling every square inch of the castle.
Drat.
So, what can we do tonight?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Correct.
Damn, and I had plans to go to the kitchens to get me some food.
Now you're saying "me". Why can you do that and I can't?
Because you at least more or less look like you when you were still alive!
Fine. Whatever. Let's just go the bed. We have to pretend tomorrow that we don't know anything about Transfiguration.
Well, we don't.
You don't. I do.
Hey, don't throw your so called superior intellect in my face! We had the same amount of NEWTS!
Back when we could still do magic.
Drat. This will be more difficult than I thought.
Exactly. So, let's go to bed?
Or.. OR... hear me out.. We try to make little Keith wet his bed!
SEE THIS IS WHY WE'RE FRIENDS!
WOOHOO!
All we need is a container we can fill with some warm water.
What else do you have a cauldron for? Potions?
Good point!
James Sirius quietly snuck over to Keith's trunk, scavenging through it before lifting out the kid's cauldron. Grinning eagerly, he slipped into the bathroom, shoving the cauldron under one of the taps before opening it. It took a minute, but when the cauldron was finally sufficiently full, he turned off the tap before sneaking back into the dormitory, quietly putting the cauldron next to Keith's bed.
You're shitting me.
Karma. It has to be Karma. Keith's obviously a reincarnated Snape.
It has to be. He's sucking his THUMB!
I love life again.
Oh you're not alone in that.
Maneuvering Keith's free hand into the cauldron, James Sirius mentally high-fived himself before creeping back to his own bed. Sliding under the covers, his grin widened, oh he couldn't wait to see the chaos unfold.
Several hours later, and after what James Sirius could only consider a good night rest, he woke up to Keith frantically trying to pull the covers off of his bed. Yawning, he held in a chuckle. Good idea indeed Sirius.
Several others of the boys had apparently already gone downstairs to breakfast, and he and Keith were the only ones left.
Swinging his legs out of bed, he stood up and walked over to his roommate.
"Don't worry buddy" James Sirius said, slapping his hand on Keith's shoulder. "It could happen to anybody."
"Really?" Keith asked hopefully.
"No." yawned James Sirius slyly. "But that's what you say in situations like these, isn't it?"
Thank Merlin we emptied the cauldron in the middle of the night and put it back where we found it. Now he's all blaming himself.
Psychological warfare.
Good one, Sirius!
"Don't tell anyone." Keith begged the dark haired Potter.
Running his hand through his hair, James Sirius looked at the mess in front of him. Then he smiled lightly.
"You can owe me."
"W-what?" Keith stuttered in surprise, not understanding what he was being told.
Is this kid for real?
He's eleven.
"You can owe me. That means that I don't tell anyone, and in exchange I get a favour from you, which I can call in later."
"U-u-uh y-yeah sure, t-that's fine, please ju-just don't tell anybody!" Keith fumbled, beet red as he looked everywhere but at James Sirius.
Breakfast?
Breakfast sounds good. I'm moving us.
Alright, thanks for the warning.
James Sirius turned on his heel and left the dorm, moving down the stairs on his way to the Great Hall.
It really is great to be back at Hogwarts.
Yes it is, think of all the mischief we might manage during the next seven years!
... Oh this is going to be magnificent.
Prongsy my dear, I couldn't agree with you more.
Hopefully, you liked this. We had a lot of fun writing it at least. Now some non-story related news.
- Yes, I'm still writing Elemental Changes, and yes, MsCalypso is still writing Fleur De La Mer (her last update was less than a week ago, too). We aren't giving up those stories.
- No we won't be working with a regular update schedule. She's too busy and I'm too lazy for that to work.
- MsCalypso and I will be taking turns as far as the Disclaimers and ANs go. She'll do Chapter 2, so you have that to look forward to.
- Chapter 2 is finished, so there will, eventually, be at least one update to this story, other than that, we might give up on this after that. You read this story at your own risk. As long as we're having fun writing, we'll continue.
- For those of you still not knowing who MsCalypso is, she's my very awesome friend + sometimes classmate + beta + future co-leader of at least part of the world. She has an amazing Hermione/Fleur fic called Fleur De La Mer, which I beta, and which you can find right here: s/10291475/1/Fleur-De-La-Mer . Go read it, and be awed by her literary skills. Also, it's very fluffy and guaranteed to make you happy.
Finally, we come to the end of this incredibly long AN, which means the time to urge you to follow, favorite and review, has come. So here goes: Please follow, favorite, and review! It's incredibly motivating to know people are reading and enjoying this story.
Signing off, Peeves' best friend (and MsCalypso, but she'll get to talk to you next chapter so for now I'm hogging the spotlight.)