A/N: I wrote this while listening to "The Thong Song". That's all I have to say.
"Harry! If you want me to tutor you, you have to
stop this!" Hermione pushed Harry away for the
umpteenth time. They had only been TRYING to have a mini Herbology
lesson, but Harry just kept kissing
her. If he wanted to get a good grade, he had to focus.
"Let's start easy. True or false: Is a maple leaf
shocking pink with aqua polkadots?" Hermione questioned, while
scanning through Harry's Herbology notebook.
"It could be." Harry said, staring at Hermione dreamily.
Hermione groaned in frustration.
"Your notebook isn't full of notes, it's full of
pictures of Professor Snape in a thong!" Hermione waved a
hand in front of Harry's face. "Hello? Harry? HARRY? Wake up!"
"Eh? Oh, yeah…doesn't Snape look good in thongs?"
He began drawing a picture with his wand.
"A little but of green…ohh lala-" He sniggered.
"Now, put your hair in a little ponytail…and let's put a
pink butterfly…ha! Dum dum dum…yeah…then…" Harry mumbled as he colored
the picture. Hermione
slapped his hand.
"First of all, Snape's nose is too small in that
drawing, and secondly, we have to be studying!" Hermione got up and headed
towards the door. Harry looked up.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Listen, Harry. A tutoring lesson-to you-is a chance
to fool around. But it's not. So I'm going
somewhere…ummm….somewhere I can ….study! Yeah, study!" Hermione opened
the door. Harry
scrambled out of his seat and walked to the door.
"Hermione, don't go!" Harry pleaded. Hermione went
out the door. He sighed and followed.
"NO! I want the book on Potions to slay BEARS! Not
Potions to slay MARES! Who would want to slay a
weak, helpless, MARE? If you enchant them, they just become SLIMY,
weak, helpless, MARES!" Snape
shouted.
"Hold on a minute then. I'll check if we have it."
Madame Pince told him.
"Why would anyone want to write a book on slaying
MARES? There's no point in slaying MARES!"
Snape stomped over to a chair to sit down. There, on the table next
to it, he saw somebody's Herbology notebook.
"Hmm…well, I'm a professor…I can LOOK…" On every
page, there was a picture of himself…
"IN A THONG!" Snape roared. It was Harry Potter's
notebook. He grabbed the notebook and marched to
Dumbledore's office.
"HAHA!" Dumbledore laughed hysterically when he
saw what Snape had to show him. But then stopped, so as not to be rude.
"It's not funny! It's AGAINST THE LAW!" Snape yelled.
Dumbledore just ignored him.
"You look good in thongs." He said thoughtfully,
examinning a page in which Snape had a ponytail and
was wearing a green thong.
"WHAT?! Oh, I do? Well, I don't like to brag-hey,
wait a minute. AREN'T YOU GOING TO SUSPEND
HIM?" There was a knock on the door.
"Come in," Dumbledore called.
"Sir, here's your book on mares." A voice said.
Snape stormed out the door with a puzzled librarian
yelling, "IT'S NOT MARES, IT'S BEARS! CAN YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR
THICK
SCULL?"
"Hermione, did you hear that?" Harry asked. He and
Hermione were sitting next to each other in the
common room.
"Hear what?"
"Someone yelling about mares and bears?"
"Uh…NOOOO…" Hermione shrugged. Harry put an arm
around her.
"Hermione, I talked to Seamus. Maybe we could make
a little study group, since we suck at Herbology…you could be the teacher
and-"
"Me? Hermione Granger? A teacher? A little study
group? I'm sorry, Harry. You couldn't manage. By the
end of the period, you'd be all over me." Hermione said. Harry took
his arm off of her and stood up.
"I would not!"
"You would! You won't concentrate! You won't learn
anything! Face it!" Hermione argued.
"ANYWAY, we decided the next meeting would be tommorow.
The group would include: Ron, Seamus,
me, and Lavender."
"Ron and Lavender would make out the whole period."
"Would not!"
"Would too!"
"Would not!"
"Would too!"
"Would NOT!!!!"
"They would pass notes to each other."
"They couldn't! You'll be right there, sitting in
front of them!"
"What if I decided to go to the bathroom?"
"You won't go to the bathroom, Hermione!"
"How do you know?" Hermione stood up also and put
her hands on her hips.
"ANYWAY, we'll see you in the library tomorrow at
3 after classes end."
"What if I get sick?"
"HERMIONE!"
"I'm glad you know my name!"
"I'm going to bed."
"Good idea." The couple kissed and went to their
dormitories.
"Okay. Now, let's begin with some easy questions."
Harry, Lavender, Ron, and Seamus were sitting on one
side of a table in the library, Hermione on the other side. She had
a big board next to her. It had big pieces
of cardboard with diagrams and pictures on it.
"Now. What color are boa leaves?" Hermione looked
at each of them. "RON!" Ron's eyes widened. It was
obvious he didn't know the answer. Hermione shook her head.
"That's a check for you."
"What check, Hermione?" Ron asked.
"You get a check if I ask you a question and you
don't know the answer. Whoever has the least checks at
the end of the period gets a prize. Whoever has the most gets a punishment."
Hermione explained. Ron
gasped. He thought extremely hard.
"Green?" He said quietly.
"Good job, Ron! You lost your check!" Hermione erased
a small check she had writing on a piece of paper
in front of her. She took a piece of cardboard and turned it around.
It had a diagram of a boa leaf. She
explained as much as possible about a boa leaf. The other 6th
years seemed to understand.
"How many veins does a boa leaf have…Lavender?"
Lavender looked blank.
"10?9?8?7?6?5?4?3?2?1?11?12-" Lavender guessed.
"Lavender? What's your final answer?" Hermione asked.
Harry snickered, but Seamus and Ron looked
confused with Harry's laughter.
"What's so funny?" Ron asked.
"Oh, nothing, nothing," So everyone turned their
attention back to Lavender.
"Lavender? Do you know?" Hermione asked gently.
Lavender shook her head.
"I explained it 3 times! You know it! Sorry, but
you've earned a check. " Lavender gasped as Hermione
told her the bad news. She had earned a check! Dear Merlin, NO!
"The answer is: none." Hermione said.
"And you were guessing all those numbers…" Seamus
said sadly. Lavender looked down at her hands,
which were fumbling with a pencil.
In the end, Harry had 4 checks, Ron, 3, Lavender,
2, and Seamus, 1. Seamus got a free homework pass
straight from the Herbology teacher. Harry got a book about herbs.
It was 10 pages long, and he had to read
it by the end of the week. He was unhappy.
"Well, everyone learned something new, right?" Hermione
said at the end of the lesson. Seamus began to
whistle. Lavender played with her pencil. Harry looked under the table
as if he had lost something. Ron
looked out the window and concentrated on a bird outside.
"Uh, Hermione? Guys? I see something strange." Seamus
said, and laughed. Everyone followed Seamus's
gaze. There was Snape, wearing only a green thong, his hair in a ponytail,
and he looked very proud.