Mistresses of Hell
Prologue I
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Tiffany sighed heavily and shoveled more vanilla ice cream into her mouth, mumbling, "We really shouldn't be eating this, you guys."
Razielle's eyes flashed acid green and she snarled at Tiff before taking a hefty bite of black cherry ice cream. She swallowed it with a mighty swallow and pinched the bridge of her nose, praying for a lack of brain freeze. When none came, she smiled and shook her long, chestnut bangs out of her face. At least, if nothing else was going right tonight, she could still enjoy the taste of her favorite comfort food.
"Look, Tiff, c'mon! We're miserable, and mad as Hell, literally. Those stupid ignoramus losers made us look really, really dumb. I mean, sure we had fun without them, but still, it's the principle of the thing!" Razielle tacked onto the snarl. "And besides, added to the fact that Prom mostly sucked, we also got attacked by the Elder Ones. Well, I did. And possessed, might I add." The eldest daughter of Satan looked around for a minute, at everyone assembled in the room. Didn't these people have places to be? She knew why Pinhead was here- because she was. She knew why Angelique was there- to piss them off. But as for the other Cenobite, Channard, and the fleshless corpses of Julia and Frank, Raze had to wonder what business they had in the Infernal Throne Room of the Dark Palace, when surely they had jobs to be doing.
"Exactly," Lillitha, AKA Lili, the second eldest daughter, cried. "We got stood up! Nobody stands up the daughters of Satan!"
"Nobody knows you two are the daughters of Satan," Tiffany pointed out reasonably. "Remember? Nobody is supposed to know. Your father said so before he banished you both for the last four years."
"That totally sucks." Lily shoveled ice cream into her mouth.
"I wanna chocolate covered rice ball," Raze murmured, staring forlornly at the nearly empty gallon tub of ice cream. "Or a strawberry Eegees." She sighed then, in dreamy remembrance of the last time she'd managed to enjoy the frozen fruit treat called an Eegees. They were so good! She always ordered the largest size, just so she could enjoy the tangy fruit taste as long as possible. What could she say? They were practically sinful.
"You seriously don't need anymore calories," her sister said. Oh, like the Princess of Blades had any room to talk. They were both voluptuous, with curves that the stick-thin Angelique hated them with a passion for.
"You're chunkier than me, you wanna be peanut butter sandwich!"
Tiffany choked on her ice cream when Raze snapped at her sister. She couldnt believe the heir to the Infernal Throne would say something as immature as 'wanna be peanut butter sandwich.' It just didn't fit with someone who could strike awe and terror in the hearts of creatures like the Cenobites.
"At least I don't have the metabolism of an obese monkey!" Lily snapped back.
Tiffany looked around at the other people in the room and wondered what they thought of the twins. It still made her nervous to be in a room with the girls' minions. She still remembered how Julia and Pinhead and the others had tried to kill her and Kirsty. Now they were under orders to never hurt the girls, to always protect them. Although she knew Pinhead didn't like it, she knew he wouldn't disobey. Neither could Frank and Julia- they loved pain, but not as much pain as Razielle would inflict on them if they ever did anything to Kirsty or Tiffany.
It was Dr. Channard Tiffany was more concerned with. He had at one time murdered the other Cenobites in an attempt to butcher the mortal girls. And then there was Angelique, who hated Razielle and Lillitha with an unholy passion rivaling obsession.
But as for right now, the Cenobites- at least, three of them, including Pinhead and Channard- were watching the girls with cold, unblinking stares. Watching them argue was always amusing- if you were human. She had no idea whether the Cenobites even had a sense of humor. But she also couldn't help notice the frigid, fierce gaze of the leader of the Cenobites when his glacial obsidian eyes alighted on Raze. After what had happened with "the squid fish monster," whoever that was, he hadn't let the princess out of his sight.
Tiffany had to admit the sentiments behind that were oddly human, and very sweet.
"Obese monkey, my ass!" The elder princess snapped back at her sister.
"You have an obese monkey ass?" Tiffany was caught off guard by Raze's retort. The moment she realized what she'd said, she blushed a furious shade of pink, wondering where her mind had been. Well, okay- she knew exactly where her mind had been: dwelling on the emotional politics of Hell. Still, this was the kind of argument you heard between friends in a high school girl's locker room. Not a conversation one was accustomed to hearing in the spartan, jagged darkness of Hell's inner sanctum.
"I know you have an obese monkey ass!" Lily sneered at Razielle, who tried to kick her sister in the knee, crying, "You have an obese monkey ass." The bloody, skinless corpse that was Julia Cotton muttered, "Here we go."
"My monkey's ass is not obese!"
Tiffany blinked at Lily, confused.
"You have a monkey?" She asked. The bloody, skinless corpse that was Frank nodded wisely, murmuring, "An obese monkey." Tiffany wondered how being tortured for eternity scrambled your brains. This pathetic, perverted monstrosity couldn't possibly be the same Frank that had murdered Kirsty's father and step-mother, as well as attempting to kill her, too.
"Is, too!" Raze yelled, clutching her spoon till her knuckles turned white.
"Is not!" Lily cried.
"Is, too!"
"Is not!"
"Is, too!"
"And Pinhead's got balls! You obese monkey ass!" Lily added as an afterthought.
Tiffany glanced at Pinhead, who appeared intent on Raze's answer. If she hadn't known better, she might have thought that, based on the way he swallowed like an anxious, adolescent school boy, he was nervous.
"Hey!" Raze cried, outraged. Her eyes were burning neon green now, like some phosphorescent sulfur. The tendrils of her hair snaked around her head, giving her the chilling appearance of a furious Medusa. The metal spoon in her hand molded to the contours of her hand as she crushed it in her clenched fist. Tiffany wasn't sure if she'd ever seen the Princess so pissed off.
Wondering if Raze's furious protest was referring to the obese monkey ass insult or the Pinhead's lack of balls insult, Tiffany asked, trying desperately to avoid looking at the leader of the Cenobites, "Well, was he castrated?"
Pinhead opened his mouth to speak, but Raze cried, "No! And anyway, I am not an obese monkey's ass!"
Her sister snorted and cried, "How do you know he wasn't castrated? What have you two been doing?" Pinhead opened his mouth again, but Lily went on, "And your ass is that of an obese monkey. Get over it."
Julia snickered, and sniped, "And how do you know anything about Razielle's ass?" Somehow, her dignity suffered a greivous blow when the Princess whose ass was in question hurled a rock at the corpse's head.
"I could check that for ya." Frank leered.
"Oh, bite me, you Trill-spotted crack whore! I'm busy!" Raze snarled. Her teeth were beginning to show, jagged and sharp behind her thinned, suddenly bloodless lips. She put a hand behind her, as if about to push herself upright.
"Hey!" Lily cried at the same time Frank and Julia snapped, "Trekkie!"
"I am not a Trekkie! And I wasn't talking to you, dorkus!" Raze muttered at her sister before wolfing down some more ice cream.
"Oh."
"And my ass is not! And I haven't done anything with the Prince except borrow some pins for my voodoo dolls. And I haven't done that since I was thirteen!"
"So, you mean Pinhead doesn't like your ass?"
That got everybody's attention. Tiffany cried, "What?" Julia looked about ready to puke, and muttered, "That's disgusting."
"I prefer inane," Pinhead said in his cavernous voice, totally unruffled.
"More like insane," Tiffany muttered.
"Answer the flipping question! Does he like your ass or not?" Lily grinned as her sister turned a brilliant shade of pink, which stood out against her black velvet dress. Raze coughed and snapped, "What? H-how the Hell am I supposed to even know that? Because I don't, you know, and anyway, that's more Frank's department, the perv, and... and... and... and what the Hell has that got to do with anything, anyway?"
"Pinhead likes obese monkey asses."
"What?" Tiffany cried, looking at the chalk white demon. He blinked once, and that was the only indication that he was surprised by what Lillitha had said. Tiffany couldn't believe the turn the conversation had taken. How did stuff like this happen?
"No, he doesn't," Julia snapped, glaring at the three girls. Both nineteen-year-olds turned to regard her with some measure of surprise, while seventeen-year-old Tiffany was still staring at Pinhead. Now he was looking at Julia, looking almost angry. Was he glaring at the... woman-thing? It was difficult to tell, since his eyes held all the flat darkness of the abysses of Hell's deepest pits. But it looked as if, yes, there was a glimmer of anger in the black diamond eyes.
"Believe me," Julia was saying, "he has no interest in anyone's asses."
"Because you tried, of course," Raze said sweetly, smiling. Her voice dripped sweetly poisoned venom and her eyes were glacial emeralds. Tiffany caught a gleam in Raze's eye, and turned so both Julia and Pinhead were in her field of vision. She murmured softly to Julia, "But you're so old." Julia whirled to look at Tiffany, who blinked her innocent, big eyes.
It looked to her like Pinhead was smiling, just a little.
"I tell you, the Dark Pontiff of Hell is not interested in an eighteen-year-old demon princess's ass! Even if she is the daughter of the Devil!"
"Is, too, Julia!" Lily yelled.
"Is not!"
"Is, too!"
"Is not!"
"Is, too!"
"How the mighty have fallen," Pinhead whispered in Razielle's mind. She flashed him a smile full of razor sharp teeth, but couldn't help laughing in agreement. Julia acted so high and mighty, and yet here she was, falling into the mindset of a small, spoiled child. Amusing.
"Is not, goddamn it!"
"Is fucking too!"
"Hey!" Tiffany threw up her hands in the universal "don't kill me" gesture. "Why don't we just flippin' ask him, huh?"
Pinhead opened his mouth to answer, when Raze lifted her long, white hand in a silencing motion. Her blood red nails glinted in the candlelight. Her hair had stopped snaking about, and her eyes no longer glowed. In fact, her eyes were twin pieces of glittering, dark jade, full of hidden emotion as she said, "Dude, don't even answer that. I don't even wanna know. And besides, darling, that's a hang yourself question." She patted Pinhead's knee in a kindly way and went back to silently lamenting the fact that she had no chocolate covered rice balls.
"Because you know the answer is no, huh, Snow White?" Raze growled low in her throat and jerked her head all the way around to stare behind her at Julia. The corpse-woman took a step back as Raze and Lily both snarled, "Shut the hell up, bitch!" Bones cracking, Raze rotated her head another 180 degrees and then popped her neck to relieve some of the tension.
Tiff looked a bit green. She hated it when Raze did the Exorcist thing.
"And, anyway, so, what the heck were we talking about? Oh, yeah... hey, wait! Pinhead thinks I have an obese monkey ass? Dude!" She turned to look at the creature the Aztecs called the Flayed One. "You actually think that?" Raze looked pale, stricken. If someone who wasn't supposed to think about stuff like that actually thought stuff like that, then that meant it was true. And she didn't want an obese monkey ass! She was supposed to be the epitome of the temptations of the flesh! She didn't have time to hit the gym because Earth life had added a bunch of pounds to her butt.
"I-" The Cenobite got out one word before Lily interrupted, "No, no, I mean he's attracted to the asses of obese monkeys." Pinhead opened his mouth to interject, but Lily continued, "And if you don't have one, he may not like you as much as you do."
Tiffany blinked at both demon twins, then looked at the nail-studded demon. "You mean, he won't like her as much as she likes herself? Or he won't like her as much as she likes him? And is that true?" She added, looking at Pinhead.
"I-"
"Duh!" Lily cut him off. "Of course it is."
"Dude! He does not like obese monkey asses!" Raze glared at her sister and shoved a spoon overflowing with slightly melted black cherry ice cream into her mouth. If she couldn't have chocolate rice, she would settle for her favorite flavor of her favorite comfort food.
"Well, he likes yours!"
"Well, I like yours!"
Utter silence, then everyone turned to look at Pinhead, who still looked unruffled. He turned his unblinking, obsidian stare on Raze, who swallowed. She wasn't quite sure what he was going to say. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to know.
He said, "The Crown Princess of Hell is the epitome of the temptations of the flesh. She is beautiful and dark, a mistress of temptation and suffering and pain. Her eyes can sear you to the bare bone, like the hottest, blackest hell fire. Her touch can wither a man's flesh until he is nothing but dust and bones. The sight of her can drive a mortal to distraction and madness, even suicide. She can call forth devils with a word, scald angels with a vicious glance. She is the Heir, and the ruler in all but name of two of the wildest provinces of Hell. Even Waphax, the greatest of demons, bows before her. What is there not to like?"
"Whoa," Tiffany murmured.
"Awwww!" Raze cried.
"Told you," Lily said.
"Bastard!" Julia clenched her fists while Frank muttered, "Gross."
Razielle, realizing other people had actually been paying attention, blinked her huge green eyes and nibbled on her full, bottom lip. Her eyetooth cut into the flesh of her lip, drawing a thin ribbon of bright red blood that dripped into her gallon-sized tub of ice cream.
"Are you going to eat that?" Angelique asked, her voice waspish. She was watching the blood trickle onto the Princess's comfort food, her face twisted with dislike. Raze glanced at her cousin and then turned to stare at Pinhead.
"Dude." She said that a lot. "Is that what you think about all day? Aren't you, like, supposed to kill and maim people and stuff? And drive them nuts and whatever?"
"I-"
"No, of course that's not what he thinks about," Lily said. "Not all day." Frank snorted in disbelief and muttered, "Yeah, right." Lily hissed at him, showing her forked tongue, and then continued, "He just appreciates your hotness."
"He ain't the only one," Frank said. Tiffany swallowed her vanilla ice cream and snapped, "Pervert! Shut up!"
"Like I said. Anyway-"
"Well, actually-" Pinhead began, but Lily yelped, "Shut up, no one's talking to you! Only about you! Damn!" Tiffany giggled at the younger princess's outrage and said, "Yeah, and at you!" Lily glanced at her human friend and laughed, crying, "In your general direction. Got it?"
"I-"
"Shut up, goddamn it!"
"Quit with the swearing, dang!" Raze nibbled on a spoonful of black cherry but had to put it down. She couldn't eat it, she had to know the truth first. "Anyway, so, I don't need an obese monkey ass?"
"No-" The leader of the Cenobites began, but Lily cried, "Shut up! And no, you don't, Raze. Why would you?"
"Oh. Good." Raze relaxed and began to eat her ice cream again.
"Of co-" Pinhead started to say, when Lily gave a strangled scream and cried, "Shut! The fuck! Up! God! I'm still talking! God!"
"No, darling, Xipe Totec."
"Ha, ha, shut up, Raze. Anyway, besides, you've already got one."
It took Raze a second to process that, but then she remembered the part about not needing the obese monkey ass, and it hit her. She choked on the hefty bite of ice cream in her mouth.
"What?" Tiffany asked.
"Hey!" Raze cried, while Frank muttered something about feeling the burn. "I do not have an obese monkey ass, goddamn it!"
Tiffany sighed when her spoon hit the bottom of the container. Ooh, wait, she'd dug a tunnel. Cool! Well, anyway, the twins weren't going to stop fighting unless their father showed up. Tiffany wasn't looking forward to that at all.
"This is just one vicious cycle, isn't it?" She asked, and both Lily and Raze turned to look at her. About to speak, they fell silent and blinked once, then shivered in unison. Knowing what the look on their faces meant, Tiffany murmured, "Oh, boy." Turning to watch the room's door-less doorway, the three teenage girls jumped in surprise when a tall crimson skinned creature with long, ebony bullhorns and cloven hooves stepped through.
"I thought I heard you two arguing," the devil-thing said. The twins grinned up at their younger brother, and a suddenly blushing Tiffany ducked her head and mumbled shyly, "Hi, Darkness."
"Tiffany," he said warmly, then, "Father's coming, thought I'd warn you two."
"Why, so they'd owe you a favor, cousin?" Angelique narrowed her brown eyes.
Darkness smirked and said jovially, "But, darling cousin, just because your family is made up of back-stabbing Hell scum doesn't mean ours is. We may fight openly more than your family, but we still love each other, and we're not filthy, sneaking rats. That's more than I can say for the children of Juggernaut."
"How dare you-"
"Shut up, Angie!"
Tiffany's jaw dropped at Raze's moniker for her demon cousin. The other demon clenched her fists and began to say something, but Tiffany never found out what it was. Angelique fell quiet when a thunderous voice cried, "What is going on?" The twins swallowed hard, and glance at each other, chorusing, "Shit! Nothing. Daddy," they added as an afterthought. Perhaps it would make them more believable.
No such luck.
"Indeed?" Satan arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. Both girls paled and swallowed. While they would often threaten each other by claiming they were going to tell their Father things that they didn't want him to know, they would never actually do such a heinous thing.
"Pinhead likes Razielle's ass, Uncle Lucifer."
That was a heinous thing Angelique just did.
"Bitch!" The twins hissed at Angelique, before Raze yelped, "He does not!"
Now, many adults- and many demons- think that they are very mature, but when it comes to most demons, this is not the case. They enjoy causing mischief- something that is rather immature- but they never cause any real damage. Now, when confronted with an opportunity to make themselves look stupid and immature, demons like Angelique will always do so.
"Does, too!"
"Does not!"
"Does, too!"
"Does not!" Lily and Raze cried.
"Does, too!"
"Does not!"
"Does, too! Does, too! Does, too!" Angelique yelled, slamming her fists against her lean thighs.
"Does not," said Tiffany.
"Does not," said Lillitha.
"Does not!" Razielle exclaimed triumphantly.
"Do you two ever not fight with people?" Julia cried in exasperation.
"Go to Hell, bitch!" The twins stuck out their tongues at her, forked and snakelike, before sucking them back in as their dislikable cousin crowed, "Does, too, indeed! He even said so!"
"Oh, really?"
Both twins gulped and started to blink rapidly as Satan turned his dark, onyx gaze onto the Prince of Pain. They knew Pinhead wouldn't lie to their Father. The leader of the Cenobites was too loyal to the Son of Perdition for that. Besides, in Hell, there were laws against that kind of thing. You could be executed for lying to the Prince of Darkness. Hell, you could be executed for practically anything if the Prince of Darkness said so.
"Yes. I did."
Ah. Simple, painful truth.
Satan arched an eyebrow, something that could mean either intense amusement or agonizing dismemberment, depending on the topic under discussion, and Raze cried, "God damn it!" She clenched her fists, vowing to get Angelique back for this and desperately trying to figure out how she was going to keep her father from slaughtering the Prince of Pain.
"It's a little bit late for that, don't you think?" Julia asked.
"Go to Hell!"
"That, too," Julia said. She opened her mouth to say something scathing and witty, but she went pale at the sound of Lucifer's devastating roar, as the Devil cried, "Out! Everyone out! Get out! Now! Except you, Prince!"
Pinhead froze in the act of rising from his Dark Throne, a sculpture of black ice twisted into wicked spikes and glittering spires a ways away from the Infernal Throne. Slowly he reseated himself, as if moving around the palpable rage of a rabid animal looking for any excuse to attack him. He looked completely unruffled, despite the possibility of eternal suffering or brutal, hellish death.
Raze wondered how he did it.
Lily wondered if they were going to get grounded. Then she took a moment to wonder if she were a shallow creature in need of a good beating to wake her up to other people's problems. Then she decided she didn't really care.
Pinhead wondered why the Princess Razielle was turning that tender shade of a baby rosebud in the early beginnings of the spring, and also whether or not he was starting to become sentimental these last few decades.
And Tiffany wondered whether she was gonna die if she didn't go home soon. Casting an anxious look at Darkness, he caught her blue-green-grey gaze with his feral amber one, and nodded slowly. He would make sure she got out of this all right.
"Tiffany, I'll escort you home," Darkness said, and offered his huge, crimson-skinned, black-taloned hand. The young mortal blinked her huge, jewel toned eyes, swallowing hard, but she placed her small, pale hand in his, and it enveloped hers until you could barely see it, and then he guided her out of the room, casting only one anxious look back at her two best friends before disappearing from their view.
Neither of the twins were very worried. Their younger brother, Darkness, could handle anyone that might disobey their orders, and he actually had a thing for Tiffany- as creepy as that was.
Both girls suddenly wondered if one of their other brothers might attack, but no. Adrian and Cassius were still in Limbo, Nicky was on Earth, Azrael was busy collecting the Souls of the Damned, and Minos was still grounded- and locked in his room- for trying to take over the world. Baltazar was busy leading life as a human and being married to a witch, Cedric was busy taking care of Ilean, their younger sister, and Damian just wouldn't do something like that. Beelzebub was busy possessing the children of a town, Judas was still in Purgatory, Dante was writing a book and had no interest in being a demon, Legion was still in service to Mephistopheles- who wouldn't go against their wishes, no matter what the compensation- and Alexander and Zacharias were still too little.
"Get out, both of you girls." Satan stared at the twins, his oldest children, and felt his jaw drop when they both shook their heads.
"No way in Hell," Lillitha said.
"Or anywhere else, for that matter," said his eldest, Razielle, the thorough one. She shoved her long, thick brown hair out of her face and did her best to meet her Father's eyes. The Son of the Star of the Morning was a little intimidating. But she found it a little easier when she saw he was in his form of Harvey Kaitel as Mr. White from Reservoir Dogs. Since he wasn't wearing the shades, she found she could meet his eyes, despite the dangerous glitter she saw there.
"You can't kill him, Daddy," Lily went on. "Raze is in love with him." The eyebrow popped up again, and went even higher when Raze squeaked like a terrified mouse, "I am not!"
"Oh. Okay." Lucifer smiled. "I'll just kill him, then." He noticed the way Pinhead's eyes shifted from his face to his daughter, waiting to see what she would do. In this instance, she cried, "No!" And then she raced to stand in front of the white skinned demon, arms spread wide, lips quivering with nervousness, but knees refusing to buckle despite the murderous look he knew had filled his countenance.
"Hi," she said, looking over her shoulder at Pinhead, and waved liked a little kid. He waved once, as if unsure what he was supposed to be doing.
"Princess," he said in acknowledgement.
"Daddy, you can't kill him! You don't have a reason! He's always been loyal, and he's brought you souls, and... and... and you just can't kill him, that's all."
"You've been watching too many Shirley Temple movies, kid," Lucifer murmured, trying not to laugh. Raze smiled and cried, "Oh, my duck can do a wonderful trick! My duck can lay an egg!"
"And just what is so wonderful about that?"
"Well, can you lay an egg?"
"No, but I know damn well Xipe Totec can't lay an egg, either." Raze blinked, unsure of what to do. She muttered, "Damn you, Angelique. I'll so get you for this."
"So, you love him?" Satan asked his eldest child.
"Um..." she mumbled, chewing on her lip so that it began bleeding again. Satan recognized the nervous habit and realized he'd unintentionally backed his usually fearless and untrappable child into a corner. "Um... but, love is such a strong word. Like friend. I'd say more that I like him... kinda. I guess."
"Hmm. And you," Lucifer said, turning towards the Cenobite. "So, what are your intentions? Do you intent to marry my daughter?"
"No."
"Yes!" Raze exclaimed. "Thank God. Er, kinda."
"Sorta," Lily said.
"Yeah," Raze said.
"Right," Lily said.
"Exactly," Raze & Lily said, then looked at each other and offered each other a hopeful smile. The Devil shook his head and passed a hand over his face before looking at Pinhead.
"Do they frighten you?"
"No."
"They scare a Hell out of me."
"But... you are their Father."
"And they are their Mother."
"Squared," the girls chorused, grinning. Satan smiled and murmured, "Rectangular."
"Oh! Daddy!" Raze threw herself down on the ground, spread-eagled. "Don't be such a freaking parallelogram." Lily kicked her in the thigh, but she didn't feel it. Her mind was still reeling from the square metaphors and the brush with death Pinhead and just experienced. Luckily, they'd managed to make their father laugh. Always a good sign.
"Oh, my God!" Lucifer shook his head at them both.
"Nope, just your kids," Raze said, pillowing her head on her arms. "Aren't we sexy?" Pinhead nodded almost imperceptibly and whispered, "Yes, you are." Lucifer's eyebrow popped up, and he hissed, "Excuse me?"
"I said, 'I doubt that they are.' "
"Oh," Raze murmured dejectedly.
Lily glared and muttered, "Creep." Pulling her sister up off the floor, she dragged the older girl out of the room. Razielle kept looking over her shoulder, watching her Father and his minion as she disappeared.
"Damn," Pinhead muttered.
"Nice going, Prince," Lucifer said. He motioned for the demon to sit down, and then followed suit, plopping down onto the blood red velvet cushion set in the seat of the jagged, obsidian Infernal Throne. "That was just bloody brilliant. You're to be absolutely congratulated."
"Forgive me, my Lord."
"Don't let it happen again. Don't worry about maintaining the facade of being a cold, heartless demon around them. It's a waste of time and effort, because they'll just break through anyway. Try to act... human."
"Why?"
"Because, foolishly, it's what the two of them- and quite a few of my other Hell spawn- want. They want human friends. They're stuck with demons."
"I see."
"You like my daughter, don't you? You got a thing for Razielle."
"Nonsense, my Lord. I am empty. Exquisitely empty."
"Sure ya are. You know, if she's anything like her mother, and I know she is, then you really wanna be careful. I know you're into pain, but Raze is likely to lop off something important if you piss her off too bad."
"My Lord?"
"What I mean is, good luck trying to keep your treasured body parts if you get on her bad side."
"Well... if the Princess ever wants children, she'll keep her dismemberment to herself."
Almost like magic, up popped Satan's eyebrow. "I beg your pardon, Prince?"
"I... I... the Gates of Hell are open! Time to wreak suffering! Farewell!"
Before Lucifer could say anything, his lieutenant vanished in a flash of golden light. The Prince of Darkness shook his head and muttered, "Great. I knew that was gonna happen. It's a fact of afterlife: demons are attracted to women with angelic blood in their veins. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I've got two sons to release, an Apocalypse to plan, and a pineapple to shove up Hitler's ass."
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