Fandom: Twilight
Characters: Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.
Rating: ~A~ for angsty as heck.
Status: Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN
Author's Notes: I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom.
Summary: The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.
Part One; Human Behaviour
I hurled as many nasty thoughts as my brain could put together in a split second; the question behind Embry's paternity, Bella the time I'd seen her at the bonfire all broken over her bloodsucker boyfriend. Anything I could muster up to drain away the thoughts pushing their way through my own. "Teach them to ogle over Sam and Emily." Of course I knew all of this was in vain. Embry no longer cared to question that part of his life because he was satisfied with where he now belonged. Jacob, having taken his rightful position as Alpha, no longer pined after Bella the way he used to- like a sad lost dog. I was out of ammo. "Great." I muttered into my thoughts. Knowing what little affect my mini tantrum was having I phased back into my human form. Scooping up the nearest pile of hidden clothing I stalked quickly to the end of the forest. A small wince from behind the trees gave away Jacob's position. Sure, he'd watched me phase, saw me naked but none of it registered anymore. I was just another one of the guys. He eyed me apologetically not ordering me to phase back. Jake had just witnessed what went through my mind and let me have some time away. He knew how much these hunting expeditions cost me emotionally. If it weren't for the sake of the tribe I would have made things a lot harder. I suffered mostly alone now. I was used to it.
Things changed so much recently it became difficult to keep tabs on who was on whose side. Jake and I were supposed to leave La Push, leave Forks and just be after he saw that his precious Bella was safe and well off. Nothing could be simpler, but Jacob had to go imprint on the parasite's daughter and will me to stay with him. Staying meant suffering under Sam's thoughts again and I did not want to, could not, deal with that. There was no helping the pack's reunion. Once the treaty had been renewed with the Cullens and a new truce formed, things were all good and normal for everyone else. Sam stepped down from his role as an Alpha and this ultimately meant the pack became one again. For such a little time I had found the freedom I sought so intensely after sharing a brain with my ex for what felt like a decade. However, things were back to the way they were, the way when things were so complicated and rough. Jacob knew the toll the reunion took on me, and would have never coerced me into staying by brandishing the Alpha power over me. Somewhere in his pleading though, I felt the small weight of it being used and I couldn't refuse. I stayed. At least now that the danger was behind us with the Cullens settled neatly into their masquerade once more I could spend less time in wolf form. Thanks to Quileute tradition the role of the pack remained to hunt, provide and protect for the people of the reservation. Participation was mandatory which meant we were all in one brain together sharing our deepest and most haunting thoughts. Other than that we were free to phase whenever we liked occasionally finding someone else phased too, their thoughts sneaking into my head. It happened a few times that Sam phased while I was a wolf, his mind penetrating the peaceful barrier of being alone in my own head for a bit at one with nature. Then I would catch the hesitation, the swift change of memories to something safe and less hurtful. By then I would already be back to being human thankful for the getaway. Any means of escape from the rest of the pack's mind was good enough for me. The sting of knowing it would never last for long struck me and I stopped to lean against a tree folding my arms across my chest protectively. My loyalty was too my tribe so I was stuck in the role of provider and protector no matter what it cost me. There was nowhere to go.
Lately, things got worse. There was an awkward tension when the commotion of having so many people in your head at once swept over us again. It took a lot of getting used to for everyone equally. The only upside was with so many wolves it was just a little easier to avoid certain people. For some time the peace and quiet, or what you can have of that with Jacob and Seth in your head, acted as a refuge. No longer was I crippled under my past with Sam knowing every little detail he'd ever thought, trying feverishly to ignore and avoid them all. Now that we were once again connected by this annoying wolf trait, the storm of preparing for Sam's wedding to Emily, my cousin, surrounded me. Everyone in La Push buzzed with excitement making thinking of it almost impossible to steer clear of. Literally. The thing which bugged me the most, almost to the point of pain, came from being aware of how badly the other guys wanted to avoid those tender thoughts of admiration for the couple-to-be for my sake when phased together but how hard it was to contain. Even I could admit the couple's perfection only after choking back the taste of bile rising from my throat picturing it. Quickly I shoved the happy image from my head knowing how deeply I wanted the picture to consist of me. I certainly was a glutton for punishment having agreed to stand with Emily on the big day. My thoughts were just as torturous as the others and I took some pleasure in knowing this. Not to say I didn't try to keep away from poisoning the happy atmosphere on purpose but how could I when every instinct in my body repelled it. Of course I put on my façade and turned into the eager bridesmaid everyone expected. Give me some credit. None of the boys ever let on how unhappy I really was because there wasn't much any of them could do.
"Everything alright?" Jacob's voice asked from a few yards away. I hadn't paid attention to how long I'd been standing against the tree so his presence sent a startled jerk through my spine.
"I guess I know the answer to that." He answered his own question a flicker of discomfort flashing across his face. Only then did I realize there were fresh tears making tracks down my cheeks. I rarely let anyone see me like this in human form, or any form for that matter and the discomfort Jacob felt spread to me. Quickly I wiped at the tears as if they'd never existed.
"The guys are taking the day's catch home; don't forget we're having the bridal feast later tonight at my place." Jake went on pretending like I hadn't been crying knowing full well it bothered me to have him pry. He would never hit a girl but I wouldn't be a girl if I'd attacked him in wolf form.
"Right." I said.
Without lingering, Jake disappeared back through the trees to where I was headed. Being as preoccupied as I was, all caught up in my own personal grief, the bridal feast slipped my mind. As a bridesmaid I would be expected to give a toast. "Stupid Quileute traditions." I muttered to myself.I sped up reaching the point where the forest broke into town and caught a glimpse of Jared, Quil, Embry and Seth carrying in a lifeless elk and a few rabbits flanked by Sam and the rest of pack. His head shot in my direction shooting me the same look he always gave me. The same pained helpless expression I shuttered at every time I saw it. Just then Colin and Brady sprung from the forest in an echo of smug laughter hauling the biggest prize of the hunt.
"Took it down nice and easy." I barely heard Colin brag and Brady confirm. I rolled my eyes knowing any of us could have taken down such an easy prey as that, but I wouldn't rain on their parade. Not when I had a speech to plan out and all the more raining on my own parade to be done. They were still young. Better to let the young ones revel in their accomplishment. Paul appeared behind them a wrinkle of silent laughter flowing through him thinking exactly as I had been. The humor on his face gave him away.
My pace slowed then and I watched Paul glide over to Rachel, Jacob's older sister, and wound his arms around her waist. The gesture seemed to be infectious. Quil took hold of little Claire from Sue, my mother. Jared reached Kim brushing a strand of hair from her face before she got impatient and put her lips eagerly to his. Sam too, reached Emily, cradling her scarred face in his hands planting the same routine of kisses over them before finding her lips. Emily peeked over his shoulder watching me watch them and pulled away from Sam embarrassed. He threw a look over his shoulder without needing to see me standing there and led Emily indoors. A dull ache started from inside my chest, a familiar sort of pain I'd accustomed myself too. It would pass soon and I would be once again content with not being whole.
***
Human Behaviour – The Decemberists
Colorado Sunshine – 3OH!3
He War – Cat Power
The Fine Art of Falling Apart – Matthew Good
Help I'm Alive - Metric
I Feel You – Placebo