I walked up the stairs and you were sitting on the bed staring out the window with your shirt off. Smiling I crawl up behind you pulling my arms under yours scratching at your chest you don't say anything you just continue staring off. I put my chin in the crook of your neck where I feel most comfortable and you blink and look down at me. "What the matter?" I ask as Sydney makes herself comfortable on the bed down at the end across from us. Your eyes tell me you're not telling me something. I let go of you and slide back to sit with Sydney as she rests her head in my lap. The way you push yourself up from the bed and stand in the window I wonder what I did- I count the times I told you I Loved You today, I made you laugh we kissed and I thought you were happy but you don't look happy. "Did- did I do something wrong?" I ask crawling toward you leaving Sydney looking up at the both of us.
"No" you say quietly you don't look at me but focus on the floor the rug under your feet white and soft and fuzzy is one you helped me place. "I- umm" you stammer scratching at the back of your neck and rubbing your hair down flat even though it's already perfect. "I- talked to Sammie tonight..." you say and I feel my chest catch my breath. The one person whose name I hoped I wasn't going to have to hear for a while comes up again. "She texted me and then I called her and umm-" you stop when I get up from the bed and start toward the closet out of instinct I pull your suitcase from the closet and I drop it on the floor startling Syd who moves to the farther side of the bed from me. You walk around from the window and I pile your stuff into the suitcase. My brain is telling me to get you out as soon as possible and my heart wants to yell at you and tell you I hate you but my body just stops and I freeze looking into the closet where some of your clothes hang. "I'm sorry- she just said everything I needed or wanted to hear and I lov-" I stop you letting my shaken breathe go and the girlie poke the inside of my eyes to stop my tears make you react like you always do and wrap your arms around me. I can't move because you're stronger than me and my arms stuck at my sides. The sun was just setting so I knew you'd have a show soon, so I couldn't do this now. I blink and take a breath and grab your show book bag and Sydney's leash and I hand it to you after you pull away.
"Have a good show" I say rushing into the bathroom, the crying started after I hear the door close and I knew you were on your way out. I got myself ready and grabbed my pass from the counter on my way out. Things didn't change on the outside I would go to the show and dance around with the fans for the first couple of songs take a few pictures before heading back stage to hang for the rest of the show. The one thing I didn't want to see is her- and I didn't thankfully because I wouldn't be able to control what I say to her tonight. The encore plays and the fans are screaming for more and singing along and you guys come back stage and Logan gives me a high five you haven't told anyone anything I suspect but then James comes and gives me a long hug as you walk past to change quickly. He took the hit so you could get out quickly and lucky for you he did, I couldn't make myself let go of him. I needed that hug and when he let go I sat down with Sydney playing with her toys I tried to take it from her but she's stronger than me and Fox uses my shoes for a pillow and takes a short nap. I don't want to lose these moments- but I don't want to have to have them without you.
As you come out the boys follow and I'm asked 'How was it, Do you think they liked it? What was your favorite sign' before I can notice that you skipped out on your phone. But when I catch you outside standing leaning against the wall I see the smile on your face and happiness in your eyes. It was her and I close my eyes and when I open them you spot me and get off the phone. I have nothing to say by this point and I go home and get something for you guys to eat before you get on the buses again for a long drive. Something simple but good enough to when you guys get in James and Logan are the first in the kitchen and each grab two kissing me on the cheeks at the same time before heading to the buses. Kendall pokes himself in the cheek and I give him a kiss before he disappears. With you hands in your pockets you come into the kitchen. I have nothing to say but I just look at you and wipe my eyes.
"Please don't"
"Don't what! What do you expect me to throw you a fucking party?" I'm pissed, I was here when she broke your heart and all the aftermath. I was that friend to lean on and when you said you were ready we started and I thought we would out last you and her. "I can't believe you lead me to believe ALL DAY that you were so happy and content here when the second she sends you a god damn text you up and jump at her again!" I put my hand up at you and head toward ou- my room. I hear you call after me and I know you don't have a lot of time. But I slam my door and can't make it to the bed before I drop my face was strong for as long as possible- I was so happy with you I left him for you because I wanted to take care of you and he wasn't having it so I left and now I'm left here alone again. I may have slammed my door but I forgot to lock it. You come in and stop behind me before kneeling touching my shoulder I push your hand away and push myself on my butt away from you. "Stop!" I shout and point at you to stay away but you don't listen. You come closer to me and my back pinned against the bed I push myself up using the board of the bed to slide up to standing. "I- I hope she breaks your heart again and I won't- I promise you I won't be here Carlos!" I shout and my sobs broken by words. Fuck you and everything about you I look at you because I don't want to look at you again for a long time and everything about you sucks- your chest your face my favorite, your arms. They suck and I hate them, so comfortable and big but now they weren't mine even if you didn't say it yet it was over and- it's actually over. I wanted to hit you but that would call for touching you.
"Please- stop..." you say and I pull myself away from you before you touch me. "Just leave"
"Babe- stop..."
"Just GO!" I said pointing at your packed suitcase. "Don't come back- I don't want to see you or..." I close my eyes I need one of James's hugs but he's in the buses probably eating getting ready to sleep. I fight my emotions trying to control them. I hate you and I just want you to leave but when you grab your suitcase and leave me with your key and the hat I got you with NY on the top on the door handle I drop again and fold over into my knees I sob everything I could have called her- your ex or new girlfriend I said to myself as I sat there. I opened my door to the patio and stepped out to watch the buses pull off. But lastly I saw you get on the bus with the help of James- I didn't want to see you but you looked back up at me and I wanted to die right then. You just broke up with my but I wanted you to tuck me in that night, I really did. So instead I listened to WorldWide and let James tuck me in because honestly, fuck you.