AN Hello guys, I wrote this while I was listening to 'Moving On' by Asking Alexandria, hence the lyrics through, but you don't have to know it to read it, although it is a fantastic song!
Massive thanks to Wolfishgod for helping me with the ending.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, Asking Alexandria (or their songs - that is unless owning their albums count)
"A boy of anguish, now he's a man of soul
Traded in his misery for the lonely life of the road"
Am I invisible, can anyone actually see me?
The question I ask myself everyday as I drift further and further apart from my friends. They've all got new interests, hobbies, but there's me. Still unchanged, perhaps apart from the numbness that is spreading further inside, completely consuming my body, so much so that I'm functioning on autopilot, functioning on two hours disturbed sleep and the bare minimum of food that I can manage until heartburn sets in.
Yet still, I'm invisible to everyone it seems. No one has noticed. Not even my best friend, even as my rare interactions become uncommitted grunts, to eventually nothing. When the mocks come round I fail them all, but I can't bring myself to care. Ignoring the teachers who stare disappointedly at me, the A grade student, reduced to U. I'm not too surprised when I get kicked out after that. I just leave, without saying good bye to any of them – I mean what's the point if they don't even notice me? Lugging my rucksack higher on my bony shoulders, I walk out of their lives, failing to spot Gwen's concerned look.
On a whim, I decide to get as far away from Camelot as possible. Mum's never home so won't even notice I'm gone. Packing the essentials, I drive away without looking back.
I never stay in one place for too long, preferring the road to villages and cities. One night, I park up just after a single track bridge, and walk back up it, sitting on the wall and staring down to the depths below. The full moon refracts across the fast flowing water.
"Please, don't jump" A voice states, starting my slightly and I turn my head to look left, facing a kind looking man with chin length hair and a beard.
"I haven't decided yet" I find myself saying, turning back to the running water – is this what I want? To end it all here coward a voice whispers in my head and I shake it off.
I've never been so torn up in all of my life
I should have seen this coming
I've never felt so hopeless than I do tonight
I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on
"Come on mate, come out of the cold" the voice states, "The names Gwaine. You can crash at mine, have a proper shower, proper night's sleep and a proper meal" he says with a kind smile, and without hesitating, I find myself trusting the stranger, sending one last look down to the river, before climbing back to the road side. "Are you sure?" I ask him and he nods
"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't" he says with a grin, and I give him the first genuine smile I have for ages
"How far is it?" I question, pointing to my car and Gwaine smiles
"About a mile away, however you don't want to leave your car there" he states, and he doesn't hesitate before climbing into the passenger seat, at the same time as I climb into the drivers, he automatically starts flicking through channels, treating me like we've known each other for years. True to his word, Gwaine lets me stay in the guest room of his two bed village house. Giving me a spare change of clothes, he points to the shower. I'm uncomfortable with the shorter sleeves, and the fact that they reveal the failure of the past few months, but Gwaine ignores them, and tells me to tuck in to the hot meal he has waiting for me, Mac and cheese, tucking into his own plate. We eat in a comfortable silence "You still haven't told me your name" he states and I grin, holding a hand out "Merlin" I reply with a smile, before looking down at my half eaten meal. Unable to stomach anymore "I'm sorry, I can't..." I say gesturing to the plate and Gwaine just smiles at me sympathetically
"You did better than I was expecting you to mate" he says with a smile and takes my plate over to his side "What you don't want" he comments, stuffing his face with my left over's. I let out a genuine laugh in response, and can't stop myself, Gwaine joining in as we laugh about nothing. "So Merlin, what's your story?" He asks after a while and I find myself opening up to him, explaining everything that happened, about my old friends, my old life to now. I even find myself crying, unable to stop myself. He pulls me into a hug, showing me the faded scars on his wrists, and tells me that I'm not alone anymore.
His red eyes tearing up at the man that he'd became
Slowly, but surely on the fast track to falling into his grave
Gwaine and I get on like a house on fire, and are as close as brothers. Three months later, and I'm still here. Gwaine treats me like his little brother, and I've been getting better. I eat as much as Gwaine does now, I'm still slimmer than him , but I'm no longer the skinny, figure, and my clothes hug my body rather than hang off it. It's even gotten to the point where I've had to buy a bigger size t-shirt, after putting on more weight, and gaining some muscle – at the insistence of Gwaine who drags me along to the gym with him daily.
After four months, I decide it's time for me to make a visit back home, and attempt to reapply back into college. Gwaine tags along after begging me, however I wasn't about to stop him in the first place. He also wants to apply for the college, after he got kicked the year before me. We drive to Camelot, a four and a half hour drive from Caerleon. We manage it by singing along to the radio and playing eye-spy. We book a B&B, rising early to make the appointment in time. We don't half make an entrance, as we stride through the main hall. Both of us are wearing tight fitting skinny jeans, black boots and button down shirts, mine has short sleeves, exposing the tail of the dragon tattooed on my arm, as well as my scars.
My midnight hair is spiked wildly in all directions, the bright red highlight very visible, my eyebrow bar is more discrete than my snake bite piercing, but I can't help the snort of laughter break out as Gwaine manages to almost trip over thin air. He turns to glare at me through his long fringe, but he can't help but chuckle too. He slaps me on the shoulder as I roll my eyes at him. I notice my old friends stare at me in shock, mouths agape slightly. I ignore them, turning to Gwaine, who nods in encouragement, and I knock on the office door, walking in at the shout of "Enter".
The look of surprise on my old teacher's face is a moment that I wish to have captured on my memory. Her jaw drops in shock as she studies me. I walk out fifteen minutes later, giving Gwaine a triumphant smirk as he goes up for his interview, and I occupy the seat he had previously inhabited. I plug in my head phones, and pull up images of two bed flats around the area, finding a few that we like, I bookmark them. I hear someone clear their throat, and look up to see Arthur, Gwen, Lance and a few others standing in front of me. I pull out an ear bud, raising an eyebrow at them, "Yes?" I ask.
I've never been so torn up in all of my life; I can't believe I let myself break down
"Merlin" Gwen breaths, tears pulling at the corners of her eyes as she raises a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob, and I feel my eyebrow raise slightly higher as Lancelot and not Arthur pulls his arms around her.
"Did you actually want something?" I ask them, as my eyes remain on the screen of my phone, I tilt the screen to admire a certain apartment in more detail. Knowing for certain that we will get this one, I send off an email to the estate agent before locking the screen, smiling at the background of a very pissed Gwaine and I as we attempted to take a 'selfie'.
"Are you for real?" Arthur says shifting his satchel higher on his shoulder. "For months we haven't heard from you, you disappeared without a trace. We thought you were dead"
"What you actually realised I wasn't there? How long did that take you?" I ask with a snort "Until I came back most likely" I say, just as my phone vibrates. I tug it out of my pocket, sighing in relief at the positive response from the estate agent, that if we make an appointment with him later today, we can have a look at the flat tomorrow. "The day you left school, Gwen saw you leave. Why did you quit?" He asks and both my eyebrows raised
"I got kicked out, getting 4 U's in my subjects solidified that" I comment and Arthur raises his eyebrows "You got four U's. You?"
"Yes, it's a very proud accomplishment" I mutter sarcastically.
"That also doesn't explain why you didn't contact us" He says, Gwen finally looking up from crying in Lance's shoulder "Every phone call, we were worried that it would be one of your death"
"It nearly was" A familiar voice comments, and I look up to lock eyes with Gwaine,
You okay? He asks silently
Yeah I reply, in response, before standing up from the chair, and stretching my arms out in front of me, enjoying the satisfying click of my joints.
"What do you mean?" Arthur asks worriedly, his eyes raking my body, and widening as he sees my wrists
"what's wrong Pendragon, never seen scars before?" I ask him, before rubbing an itch above my tattoo, trying not to knock off the last of the nearly healed scabs, unintentionally pulling up the sleeve at the same time, revealing the beautiful ink design. I relax when the itch goes, covering the tat just as the head of college walks past, obviously not noticing it. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, before digging out my keys from my back pocket, Gwaine giving me a smile as I throw them into the air, catching them by the metal of my key fob. Shooting Gwaine a wink, we walk side by side out of the room, feeling happier about myself than I ever had before.
AN Thanks to everyone whos read this! Hope you enjoyed!
Gingerwolf96