A/N: Why, no, this is not a shameless attempt to get views. I don't care about the Super Bowl, but I thought this would be funny to make. Read and review, if you please, and have an excellent day.
Batman Wants To Watch The Super Bowl
by MiscellaneousSoup
Today was the day of the Super Bowl. Batman had been waiting for months. Finally, a chance to rest and enjoy a game, punctuated by bizarre advertisements. All of Bruce's appointments had been scheduled for later in the week, every villain was in jail, and the local criminals would presumably be watching the game and not trying to commit heists.
Sighing, Batman snuggled into his armchair with a load of junk food and turned the television on. Nothing happened. Using all of his powers of intimidation, he gave the remote a glare so fierce and imposing that it started to melt. The television stayed off. Batman threw the remote on the ground, where it instantly caught on fire.
Promptly, Alfred rushed in with a fire extinguisher, putting out the flame and giving Batman a reproachful look. "Master Bruce, you could simply get up and walk over to the television. It has buttons."
Like a petulant child, Batman shook his head. "No! I deserve a night off." Alfred stalked away, grumbling about wanting a night off of his own once in a while.
Sighing, Bruce started going through his utility belt for supplies. Batshark repellent? Nope. Batbaseball bat? No. Batbackpack? No. Batarang? Perfect. He carefully pulled one out, weighing it as one would weigh a golf club. Careful...Careful...Careful...He threw the Batarang, smashing the flat-screen television into one thousand shimmering pieces.
Groaning, the Caped Crusader got up, shoving all of his food into a random utility belt pocket. He knew the honorable thing to do in this situation.
…
Superman sat with his mom and dad in the television room, happily chatting about the week. "Oh, and then Lex tried to buy out the Daily Planet again, but Perry told him that they didn't make deals with criminals. It was great! The whole office started laughing. Oh, just a second."
He zipped away, one second before the phone rang. "Hello?"
"CLARK!"
Superman winced and moved the phone slightly. "Hi, Bruce. Listen, could you try to not yell? My ears are slightly sensitive today."
"CLARK, I NEED YOUR HELP!" Either Bruce wasn't listening to Clark, or he simply didn't care.
Sighing, Superman looked back at his parents. "I really want to talk with my parents. What is it?"
Silence for a few seconds. "Clark? Are you there?"
"Yes, Bruce."
Batman coughed. "I broke my television. Can I come over to your house?"
Superman hesitated before responding. "I hate to bring up bad memories, but don't you remember the last time you came to my house?"
Two weeks ago…
Batman threw the Joker into the wall, knocking over several family pictures. "STOP. CHEATING. AT. PICTIONARY!"
"Oh, yeah." Bruce considered that. "He's still a cheater. I promise I won't do anything like that. Please? Please? Pretty please?"
Martha Kent waved at Clark. "Hey, Clark, the pre-game's about to begin!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't." Superman set down the phone and zipped back to the couch, picking up some sodas on his way.
Batman groaned. Time for Plan B.
Arkham Asylum…
Batman burst through the window, sending large shards of glass straight through the television in the break room. The guards moaning. "Come on, dude! It's our one day off!"
Batman blinked "Uhhhh...SMOKE BOMB!"
JLA Watchtower…
Batman stood on the edge of the space station, wearing a spacesuit. Angrily, he knocked on the door. "Hey! Hello? Anyone here?"
Inside, Plastic Man sprawled on the couch, hooting. "WOO! WOO! GO! YAY, TEAM!"
Batman kept knocking. "I can hear you screaming, Plastic Man! Don't pretend I'm not here! DUDE!"
Plastic Man's head appeared outside the window. "Come on, man, we're trying to enjoy the game. Don't be a buzzkill." Disappearing, he pressed a button and put the station on lockdown.
Bruce fumed. Where could he possibly watch the game now?
…
Ambush Bug's house…
Ambush Bug happily sat in a comfy easy chair, waiting for someone, anyone, to arrive.
…
Batman shook his head. "Nope. Absolutely no one at all wants to see the game with me." With a flash of comprehension, he realized what to do.
…
The Fifth Dimension…
Bat-Mite hugged Batman. "My hero actually wants to do something with me! What is it, Bruce? Your Adam West incarnation? The classic animated series from the nineties? The serial films?"
Batman turned on the television. "I'm watching the Super Bowl. Leave me alone." He kicked the unfortunate imp out the door, sending him hurtling through time and space.
"He wants to watch the game? Oh, he'll have something better." Vindictively, Bat-Mite snapped his fingers.
…
Super Bowl…
In a flash, Batman appeared in the stadium. Cool! Wait, I can't speak. What's wrong? Trying to look around and failing, he realized what was going on. Unfortunately, he couldn't express it, as a football player forcibly kicked him, sending him flying across the field.
In the stadium, Bat-Mite clinked bottles of water with Alfred and Ambush Bug. "Here's to a fun night out with my friends!" Leaning back, he created a pair of binoculars and gleefully watched Batman's comeuppance.
THE END