(In fanatic anticipation of the end of DeRose, I had to do a one-shot. I swear, Shonda is driving me nuts. I don't own the show, nor the characters.)
"I heard all about it."
The faint lavender scent reached him before her voice did. Purposely inhaling, drawing the scent deep within him, Derek scribbled in the chart, noting the change in Mr. Patterson's meds. Tucking the pen in the pocket of his lab coat, he slid the chart across to the nurse, who lingered to observe the interaction between the attending and resident. Already dismissing their audience from his mind, Derek straightened and turned to face the speaker.
Meredith.
In wrinkled scrubs and her dirty blonde hair back in a messy ponytail, Meredith managed to look beautiful while exhausted. She always did. Her hazel eyes red and swollen, reflecting a level of hurt Derek hadn't seen for months. Not since Addison's time in Seattle. Derek wished he could plead dumb, pretend not to know what she was talking about. But a sense of dread over the coming conversation battled for dominance with feelings of love and pain. The kiss wasn't meant to happen. He still wasn't sure why it did. Rose was a pleasant person, but she wasn't Meredith. And now Meredith knew about the kiss.
"Meredith..." Derek sighed. He grimaced at the hint of tears in her eyes. Stoic, Meredith stood before him, crossing her arms across her chest.
"Shut up. This is me not avoiding and communicating. So. Shut. Up." Taking a deep breath, she continued. "As I was saying, I heard about it. Many, many times. It's amazing, the number of people, nurses specifically," Meredith glanced at the shamelessly eavesdropping nurse, forcing the older woman to turn her attention back to Mr. Patterson's chart. "Who felt they had a civic duty to let me know what you and Rose did in the scrub room."
"Mer, I was going to tell you..." Derek stepped forward, his hand reaching for her but dropping when Meredith shuffled backward, keeping a buffer of space between them. The skin of her arms whitened as they tightened around her. His heart dropped as Meredith rejected his touch. Rejected him. Again.
"I guess I can't fault you for the kiss, Derek. Rose is ready, willing and able, and I'm..." Meredith groaned. "I'm not sure what I am anymore. But I want to be. Ready, willing and able. I really, really want to be. And I'm working on it. What makes this hurt so much is that deep down, you know that."
The noise of the nurses' station and hallway faded as Derek faced Meredith. His guilt forced everything to fade as her words registered. He did know. He knew she was working on it.
Aware of the growing and attentive audience behind the desk, Derek maneuvered Meredith away from the nurses' station, a dozen steps down the hall and around a corner. The hallway was surprisingly quiet and deserted as Derek trapped Meredith against the wall. He blocked her avenue of escape with his body. Close enough to again catch the scent of lavender but doing his damnedest to respect her wish for space. Meredith averted her face, training her eyes on the end of the empty corridor.
"Meredith, I don't know what to say, other than I love you. I want to be with you – forever. But you won't let me, and yes, I know. I'm frustrated, pissed, hurt, and missing you like crazy."
One tear slipped out and down Meredith's cheek. Before he realized what he was doing, Derek's hand cupped the side of her face, his thumb brushing the wetness away. Meredith closed her eyes, her face turning into the warmth of Derek's hand. Her arms relaxed enough to fall to her sides. Another tear seeped out.
"When I had to decide between you and Finn, you told me to take all the time I need because I had an important decision to make." Meredith reluctantly turned to look at Derek. "Do you remember telling me that?" Derek slowly nodded, keeping Meredith's face cupped in his hand. "What happened to time Derek? Hell, when I feel like I've taken two steps forward, you manage to push me four steps back."
Confused, Derek's hand fell away from Meredith's cheek. "Four steps back? What are you talking about?"
"My two steps forward. Towards you. I was going to tell you that I wanted to stop the S&M. That I didn't want you to date anyone else. But you were in surgery."
Derek closed his eyes, not able to face the pain in Meredith's face. He knew she meant with Rose.
"I ignored Sidney for the token joke date that it was. But you chose Addison and you kissed Rose," Meredith sniffed. "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"
The rawness of her voice nearly brought Derek to his knees. Meredith thought that, once again, he was choosing someone else over her. He fought the urge to take Meredith by the shoulders and shake her. Or kiss her senseless. "I don't want Rose. I want you."
"You have a piss poor way of showing it," Her watery chuckle sounded forced. "I want you too. I want forever. But I'm scared to death. Every time I think you're within reach, you're not. You pick other women over me. You tell me you don't think you want to breathe for me anymore."
"Tell me what I can do to fix this." Each sentence tightened the vise around Derek's chest. Especially the last one. Derek remembered being obscenely frustrated and emotionally shutting down himself when he made that incredibly stupid statement to Meredith. He started to panic. "I want to breathe for you Meredith. Hell, I'd die for you. I'm dying slowly right now. Tell me how to fix this."
For the first time since the beginning of their discussion, Meredith looked Derek squarely in the eyes. He could see a mixture of love and fear darkening her gaze, which roamed the strong features of his face. He wasn't sure how long they stood like that. Could have been a few seconds or minutes, when Meredith raised a hand to his face. She gently traced the small scar on his forehead, an old reminder of his motorcycle days, before her finger dropped to trace the line of his upper lip. Meredith replaced her finger with her lips. The contact was sweet, but brief. Derek's body urged him to deepen the kiss, to spin Meredith around, flatten her against the wall and kiss her till she believed in them. Till she could look at him without fear or pain. Her mouth reluctantly pulled away and she stepped back before Derek could wrap his arms around her.
"I don't know." Her whispered reply hung in the air as Derek watched Meredith walk down the hallway, and through the small group of nurses congregating near the nurses' station before turning left and out of his sight. The busybodies scattered in her wake, and fixed their attention on Derek. Straightening his lab coat, Derek followed Meredith down the hallway. Ignoring the gaggle of nurses observing him with great interest, Derek paused to catch a glimpse of Meredith, but she was gone. Sadly, he walked in the opposite direction.