AN: I might come back and make this longer, but I'm not too sure. This was a spur of the moment writing... "A neurotic can neither enjoy his illusions nor give the up." –Mason Cooley
The quote that inspired this:
A small child-like smile graced his lips, while sad old eyes contradicted it. "You can leave now. Isn't that what you wanted?"
Gilbert met the stare of the sad eyes. His look of confusion slowly melted into rapturous delight. He was free…Now he could see his brother once more. The brother he left so long ago.
It had been 45 years to be exact. Gilbert couldn't help but let out a laugh. He was so happy. So very happy. It was a dream come true. The only times he was ever allowed to see his brother was at world meetings if that. Ivan became very controlling over him.
Gilbert missed his brother so much. Now… Now he could see him. He wiped his eye in vain, laughing sobs. Despite the cold weather outside, he felt very warm.
This was the second happiest day of his life after stumbling upon his brother. Those blue eyes looked up at him with such serenity. So full of life and innocence. It was his brother's tiny hand that reached for Gilbert's hand. Gilbert can still remember the small, gentle smile the boy made as he grasped his hand back. It was from that moment Gilbert knew that this boy would be his brother.
Ivan continued to smile sadly at the other.
It was so strange… How one second everything was clear and together, then how quickly it all fell apart.
His friends… His family… Gone.
In a blink of an eye, they all left him. Ivan couldn't help but feel anger and sadness swell in him. Although what the Russian felt the most was loneliness…
Ever since he was a young nation that empty feeling was there. It wasn't as if this feeling was new. Ivan in a twisted way became fond of it. Loneliness gave him something to count on. Everyone leaves. This just hurt more this time.
He thought it would last a bit longer. The idea. The illusion. What a fool he was. He should have never got so invested.
As the Prussian continued to sob and laugh, Ivan turned away. He didn't so much as to spare a glance back. It was too painful. Plus there was nothing to look back to anymore. The broad shouldered man continued to shuffle his way through the snow. His body feeling heavier with every step.
He continued crunching the snow his feet. It seemed with every step the crunch of the snow got louder. It was the only thing he was hearing at the moment. The only thing he could hear at the moment.
Ivan reached his large house and dragged his feet to the door. He slowly opened the door and closed it upon entering. He paused leaning back against the closed door.
Ivan let his eyes wander up from the ground they had been glued to, to stare around the now almost empty house. Everything appeared magnified. It was as if it was mocking him. His head was spinning.
The blonde tried to take a step forward, but everything hurt. He let a small groan out and gritted his teeth. He felt weak. After pausing briefly to attempt to compose himself, he took a slow wobbly step.
Each step Ivan took he felt himself grow heavier. This was slightly amusing to the man since he felt so empty inside. The dissolution was taking a toll on his body, yet he was determined not to collapse until he reached his room.
By the time he reached the top of the stairs, it felt as if years had passed. He was sweating and his legs were like two heavy weights trying to prevent him from walking. None the less, Ivan willed himself forward.
He managed to his room slowly. Once stepping through and shutting the door behind him, he allowed himself to collapse on the floor. Cold, he thought tiredly. It wasn't comfortable, but it would have to do.
Ivan woke feeling as he did the day before. His body was stiff. The man glanced at the clock. Even though sleeping 14 hours he still felt exhausted.
Since staying in bed wasn't an option at this moment in time, Ivan picked himself up from the floor. The Russian cursed his and America's boss for their cold war. Fools, the both of them. He padded into the bathroom. Carefully he removed his jacket along with his beloved scarf with delicacy. Once all was removed he turned the water on and stepped in the shower.
The warm water that came out felt cool against his skin. He turned the water hotter, hoping it would help him get uncongested. It did thankfully.
He took his time in the shower, enjoying the hot water. It felt good. The water made him feel warm. His shoulders slumped and relaxed as he let out a long sigh. If he had his way, he wouldn't get out, but he had other obligations to attend to despite how horrible he felt.
As soon as he deemed himself cleaned, he shut the water off. He grabbed a towel making sure to dry his hair then body wrapping it around his waist. Ivan stepped out of the bathroom leaving the dirty clothes, with the exception of his scarf and jacket, on the floor in a crumpled mess.
After he grabbed his clothes from his drawers, Ivan put his jacket and scarf back on along with his boots. His head wasn't as throbbing as much as it was before his shower, but his body still felt heavy. If his older sister was here, she would surely make sure he stayed in bed. He exited the room thinking back to only just days before.
It was all really gone.
The USSR was no more. Everyone left. Even Gilbert, the defiant Prussian, who said he wouldn't leave without kicking Ivan's ass.
The Russian never got his 'ass kicked'.
He paced himself as he went down the stairs. His footsteps the only sound he could hear in the house. Ivan sighed. This was something he would have to get used to.
He made sure to lock the front door before leaving and walked to the car his boss arranged for him. Perhaps a nap during the drive to the meeting would do him some good. He thought to himself as he got inside the car snuggling up against the seat. As he closed his eyes, he thought about how he was dreading the meeting since he was feeling so horrible.
Once he arrived the driver called for him to wake up. Ivan awoke feeling just as bad, if not, worse than he had before his nap. He looked at his reflection in the car window before he got out. He still looked as he felt.
His fists and teeth were clenched as we walked up the steps into the building. It was hard to hold his head high and have a smile on his face, but he managed it. Barely. He looked around the room to see if he could get a grasp on someone, but there was no one he was close to. So Ivan just took a seat and gave a chilling smile to anyone who came near him.
He remained by himself letting his eyes watch everyone whisper. It was obvious they were talking about him, but he paid no mind. They would eventually get theirs. And by get, he would give it to them. His eyes went to the door as it opened. Ivan smirked.
He felt himself perk up as Gilbert came walking in. His hungry eyes taking in the plastered on hubris, the Prussian wore. He didn't look as thin as he was when he lived with Ivan. When Gilbert looked over and locked eyes with Ivan, he paused. He only continued walking, but with more of a swagger when Ivan smirked.
The Prussian peeled his eyes away to look at his brother who began talking to him. Ivan felt himself grow annoyed. How dare Gilbert turn his attention away from the Russian? He gripped the pen he held tighter as he watched put-on man with a slight scowl on his face.
Gilbert, Prussia, East. Everything that man was, everything he resembled, belonged to Ivan. So as he stood across the room with a plastered on smile laughing with others, Ivan grew possessive. It was evident that this was his retaliation against his former owner. Gilbert was mocking him.
He continued to stare at Gilbert even when the meeting was called to a start. Ivan didn't take his eyes off of him for nothing. Not when others were talking, not when they asked for input, not even when they asked Ivan to speak. It was obvious by how undone Gilbert was becoming by the staring, yet Ivan carried on. He wanted to make the Prussian snap. So when the meeting went on break and Gilbert left to the restroom, Ivan felt very accomplished.
He was quick to get up and follow, ignoring the ache that went through him. Ivan made sure not to follow too closely, so he wouldn't give himself away. At this point he wasn't even sure what he'd plan to do.
Locking the door of the bathroom he crept up on the unfocused man. "Hello again, my territory."
Gilbert turned around so quickly he almost lost balance. His eyes narrowed as he straightened himself up. "I am not yours. I was never yours." Ivan let out a laugh as he nodded, "Denial never looked good on you. So if you're not mine, nor your own, then who are you?" Upon seeing the look of confusion on the other's face, Ivan clarified, "You're nothing. If you just came back to me I would make you into something."
"You're fucking insane."
"No, No. Everyone else is insane. I am mostly in-tuned with myself. Unlike everyone else. Unlike you. You really expect to continue to live? You're going to fade. Just come back to me. I would never let that happen to you." Ivan tried his best to give a warm smile.
Gilbert folded his arms shaking his head. "Keyword: mostly. I said no. Now leave, before I make you. I can kick your ass just like I did when we were young."
"You couldn't if you tried. You're in no better shape than I am. Isn't that right?" Ivan laughed. "Fine, if you don't wish to come willing, then I'll make you."
The Russian's eyes lingered over the pale face that laid on his bed. It was a little disappointing how easy it was to knock him out. Gilbert only got two punches in on Ivan's cheek and jaw. After the second blow landed, he lost his temper and strangled the other to unconsciousness.
Once he got the Prussian back to his place, Ivan cuffed his wrists to the bedpost. As he stared down at Gilbert, he still felt empty. There was no complete satisfaction in this. Ivan figured that in order to make this feeling go away, he needed the others.
Yes, that's what he needed. It would be the only way to get this feeling to leave. To feel warm. He needed them all back, so he would get them all back. Ivan sat on the bed next to the unconscious Prussian and softly stroked his cheek. It was warm, unlike Ivan's own.
Ivan stares at Gilbert's face and quietly whispers, "I'm never letting go."