A/N: I'm back with another one-shot! This was inspired from the absolutely amazing SVU/CPD crossover and of course the lack of Linstead :-). To all the people who follow me on twitter (queenoflinstead) - so sorry this took me so long I wanted to make it perfect and here's what I came up with! To anyone who is waiting for an update on Halstead's Secret or Finding Mia, I plan on having those chapters up soon!
Anyway, enjoy my attempt on getting a little closure from our favorite characters - including Olivia Benson b/c how can I not write about her - after the events of 3x14. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!
Disclaimer: All Rights go to Dick Wolf for this awesome characters
"You know it really helps if you talk to someone", Olivia mentioned after taking a sip from her drink and setting it back on the bar counter.
Erin nodded as she looked down at her drink and spun it in her hand. Today had been one of the worse days she had since the last case she worked with SVU on. Her day was flooded with memories of Nadia and Yates. She was upset Voight had benched her all day and to top it off, her mind now held a permanent image of Yates' body lying on the floor with her bullet through his head.
The whole day had been bone chilling and Erin just couldn't find the words to describe how she felt.
"After the case with William Lewis, I started seeing a therapist. He really helped me through some of my darkest times", Olivia continued as Erin looked up to make eye contact with the older detective.
"When Yates killed Nadia, I um...I went on something like a sabbatical I guess", Erin said in a low whisper.
"Hank told me", Olivia answered trying to show Erin that she was there for her. Olivia saw so much potential in the young detective. It was painful to see Erin in the mental state Yates had entrapped her in.
Olivia knew it was part of the job, getting handed the tough cases that just never seem to leave you. But for once, Olivia wished she would be able to work on a case with Intelligence where the bad guy was caught, broken hearts were somewhat stitched back together, and both teams were at peace when they handed the case back to their superiors.
That case had yet to come.
"Well after my sabbatical, Hank had me talk with one of the psychiatrists who works out of Med", Erin began to explain.
"And I don't know. It was just weird, you know", she continued as Olivia nodded understanding the feeling Erin was beginning to describe.
"Here I am trying to open myself up to someone and tell them how I feel when I don't even know what I am feeling. And he tried to pry into my rocky past and how that could have affected how I handled Nadia's death", Erin explained.
"We only had two or three sessions and he was understanding, it was just over time I got better and I didn't need someone who didn't know me trying to figure out what was wrong with me", she finished before taking another small sip of her drink.
"So, you think that even after today's events you wouldn't go talk to him", Olivia asked.
Erin shrugged her shoulders, as she began to think of the people she could talk to after today's events. She was already talking to Olivia and that felt good, like a weight was being lifted off her shoulders. If she went to talk to Hank, he would listen, but then possibly request she take a few days off. If she went to talk to Jay...
Jay. Erin had nearly forgotten about him all day. She had been so wrapped up in the memories of Nadia and needing to find Yates, she barely even noticed her partner and boyfriend standing by her side. Throughout the day he had whispered small comments making sure she was okay and they had shared the occasional lingering glance.
Erin could go talk to Jay.
"When I first joined SVU, my partner and I were close", Olivia began a new story. "My captain said he had never seen two people work so well together in his unit", she said.
"We would bounce off each other in interrogation like it was second nature and be able to crack our guy, one time in under twenty minutes. Not only were we partners, but we were best friends", Olivia continued.
"He helped me put a lot of things into perspective when my demons got the best of me and I believed that I could handle even his darkest days", she said.
"Could you", Erin asked.
"I guess the day came when he thought I couldn't and he took an early pension", Olivia answered with a sad sigh.
"What I am trying to say is that there is someone out there who can handle your demons and it doesn't always have to be a doctor", Olivia finished.
Erin nodded as Olivia emptied her drink and set it back on the bar counter. "I am sorry about your partner", Erin said.
"The past is the past. I got my closure", Olivia smiled. "And now I need my bed", she laughed.
Erin laughed in return as she reached in her pocket and pulled out a twenty to cover the drinks. "I'll give you a ride back to your hotel".
xxx
The short ride over to Olivia's hotel consisted of small talk about more lighter things than today's case. Erin asked how Noah was doing and listened as Olivia uncharacteristically gushed about her adopted son.
"Thank you for the ride, Erin. I am really glad we got to talk tonight", Olivia said as she unbuckled her seat belt.
"Me too", Erin said as she smiled towards the older detective. "If you need anything, my phone is always on", Olivia commented as she opened the passenger door.
"Oh and Erin", Olivia called out before she closed the door. "Go talk to your partner. I think he can handle even your darkest days", she said.
The second the words left Olivia's mouth, Erin sat in the driver's seat motionless waiting for her to continue.
"He may not have said a lot today, but it's apparent that he cares about you. Go talk to him", she finished.
Olivia then shut the door and waved to Erin, who smiled back as she watched the older lieutenant enter the hotel building. It took Erin a couple moments to put her car back into drive, as she was still processing what Olivia had said.
Could Jay really handle her darkness? Obviously he could, after all he was the one who waited for her outside when she would stumble out of the all-night clubs drunk. He never gave up on her, never doubted her, which was why she now traveled down the nearly empty Chicago streets towards his apartment.
xxx
Jay sat on his couch mindlessly flicking through the channels over and over again until he landed on the same movie he had ten minutes ago. Giving up on finding anything decent on TV, Jay kept The Fugitive on as he took a sip of his beer and checked his phone for what felt like the thousandth time tonight.
Before he had left the district, he told Erin to text him when she got home. She gave him a weak smile and mentioned that she was going to go out for drinks at Molly's with Lieutenant Benson. It was reaching 11:30 and Jay was growing worried since he hadn't received a text from her.
The rational thoughts went through his head first. Maybe she had gotten home and just forgotten to text him because she was so tired and fell asleep. Maybe she forgot her phone at Molly's or the district because she was disorientated from today's events. All these thoughts ran through his head, but one other thought did as well.
Maybe she never even went to Molly's with Benson and instead she went to a strange bar and was falling back down the rabbit hole again. Jay tried his best to push that thought further and further from his mind. He was being a bad 'boyfriend' by even thinking that. But, how could he not. After all, when he had asked Erin if she was doing okay, all she had said was she didn't know.
A soft knock disturbed Jay's scattered thoughts as he looked towards the door, not expecting any visitors. Another gentle knock rang out through his apartment as Jay got up from the couch and walked over to the door. Pulling it open, Jay was slightly taken back to see his partner and girlfriend standing there.
"Hey", he said in almost a whisper as he gave Erin a small smile.
Erin returned the smile as she looked her partner up and down, not saying a word as her eyes drifted down towards the floor.
"Erin", Jay stated softly as he took one step out of his apartment and gently laid a hand on Erin's cheek, lifting her chin up as he made eye contact with her teary eyes.
"I'm", Erin began to say as her eyes glazed over with unfallen tears and she cursed herself for feeling so weak in front of him.
"I'm not okay", she finally stated as the tears began to fall from her eyes.
It took Jay barely a moment of thought before he pulled Erin into his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around her small frame. Gracefully, Jay brought her into his apartment, as Erin stayed clutching onto his chest and her cries continued.
Sitting down on the couch, Erin was practically curled up on Jay's lap as he ran his fingers gently through her hair in attempt to calm her down.
"Everything's gonna be okay Erin", Jay whispered as she began to stop crying and her breaths became less uneven. They sat in that position for a while, Erin curled up next to Jay, while he continued tracing soothing patterns through her hair. Jay watched as her eyes followed the actors on his TV screen, smiling to himself as he remembered this was her favorite movie.
"We don't have to talk about it", Jay suddenly said, disturbing the silence they had encompassed themselves in.
Erin looked up to him, staring into his calming blue eyes, as he spoke. "We can just lay here all night and then when you're ready you can talk to me about it", he continued.
Erin was silent for awhile, until she suddenly spoke up. "I killed him", she whispered so softly Jay almost missed it.
"Olivia said that it's normal to feel relieved. Yates is gone and I finally feel like I got the justice for Nadia that she deserved", Erin continued.
"But, the image of Yates lying on the floor with my bullet through his head, I just...I just can't get it out of my head", Erin finished.
As the last word left Erin's mouth, she felt Jay's chest rise and fall with a heavy sigh. "I know what you're going to say. 'Don't go in without backup Erin'", she muttered as she looked away from him and back towards the TV.
Jay laughed quietly, "No, that's not what I was going to say", he said getting her to look back at him.
"When I was with the Rangers, Mouse got kidnapped and was held for at least three days", Jay began.
Erin felt his heart pound against his chest as he continued the story. "They tortured him for those three days, which is why he's the way he is today. Well that and all the recreational fun he had in college", he laughed causing Erin to laugh as well.
"Anyway we found him, with a knife to his throat and the guy who captured him threatening to cut him open if we came any closer", Jay explained.
"I was the one with the clean shot. I saved Mouse's life and I killed the other guy", he finished.
"But, the other guy was a terrorist, right", Erin asked, suddenly feeling small in Jay's arms as he revealed something from his past she had never heard.
Jay nodded, "I was trained to kill these guys. But, for some reason this event continued to haunt me. Six months later I was back home, my mom died, and the nightmares began again", he explained.
"My demons got the best of me and there were some close calls", Jay muttered under his breath.
Erin felt her heart break as the words left Jay's mouth. But, then she remembered Olivia's words from earlier tonight.
"Go talk to your partner. I think he can handle even your darkest days"
If he could handle her darkness, she sure as hell should be able to handle his. "What about now", Erin asked quietly.
"The memories come back every now and then, especially with Mouse and I working so closely together again. But, people help", Jay answered.
"Yates isn't going to disappear from your memory all at once, Er", he explained after a moment of thought. "It's going to take time and even then I wish I could tell you that you're going to forget about what happened today", Jay continued.
"But, it's going to be with you for a while and eventually it's just going to make you even stronger than you are today", he finished.
"How do you know", Erin whispered as she felt more and more vulnerable with each word he said.
"Because you are one of the strongest people that I know and this isn't going to stop you", Jay assured her.
Erin couldn't seem to wipe away the shy smile that spread across her face as the words left Jay's mouth. The moment he stopped speaking, Erin leaned up and pressed her lips against his in a quick kiss, something that had become like a habit over the months they had been together. Erin felt Jay's lips curve into a smile as she pulled away from the kiss and settled back into her original position on the couch, her head lying against his chest and an identical grin plastered on her face.
Neither said anything more, just returned to the movie as Jay continued to watch her eyes follow the actors on the TV screen once again.
At some point Jay looked down towards Erin and noticed her eyes becoming heavier with sleep.
"Er", he whispered gently. "Let's get you to bed", he requested. Erin said nothing as her eyes remained closed and she cuddled a little closer into his chest.
"Babe", Erin began to speak through a yawn. "You can talk to me about your demons. I can handle it", she said.
Jay couldn't help the smile that overtook his face as she let the name 'babe' roll of her tongue. He knew she probably hadn't realized what she had just said or the way it made Jay feel in that moment. Just that one word gave him the confidence that what they had going on was real.
"I know, Er", Jay whispered as he ran a hand through her hair. "Let's go to bed, okay", he requested again.
Erin nodded this time as she stood up and grabbed his hand, leading Jay into his bedroom. As soon as they were in the bedroom Erin went over to his dresser, stripped from her work clothes, and pulled out one of his old t-shirts to put on. Before Jay knew it she was crawling underneath the covers of his bed and her eyes were closed once again.
Jay laughed as he watched her cover her small frame with the comforter and with her eyes closed reach her arm out to pat the bed, to invite him to lay next to her. Following the same routine Erin had just quickly completed, Jay got slipped off his jeans and t-shirt and soon pulled up the comforter in his bed to lay next to Erin.
Immediately, Erin rolled over and curled herself into his chest. Jay would have never pinned her to be the one who liked to cuddle, but he knew that after days like today, it was all she wanted to do.
"Oh, Jay", Erin whispered into the dark as Jay laid awake waiting for her to fall asleep.
"Yeah", he whispered in return.
"I'm home"