1. The Staff of Magius is not a glowstick

2. The Staff of Magius is not a back scratcher

3. The Staff of Magius is not a studded toothpick

4. The Staff of Magius is not a rectal thermometer

5. Raistlin is not from 'the hood'

6. Dark elves are not allergic to the light

6. Par-Salian is not a mutant dust bunny

7. Do not point at the White Robes of the Conclave and say, "Look, Raist! Bunnies!"

8. Robes are not dresses

9. Robes are not circus tents

10. Robes are not togas

11. Male wizards are not cross dressers

12. Raistlin and Dalamar are not 'Men in Black'

13. I am not remind Raistlin his name rhymes with grin, not smirk

14. I am not to steal the Staff of Magius and say, "Come into the light!"

15. It is probably not a good idea to mistake Raistlin for his staff (they're both so darn thin!)

16. I am not to sing "We're off to see the wizard" on the way to a Tower of High Sorcery

17. I am not to tell the local children to build tree houses in the Skoikan Grove

18. I am also not to send children to pet the guardians of the Wayreth Grove

19. The hands in the Shoikan Grove do not want a handshake

20. Specters are not 'ghost gas'

21. Par-Salian is not Santa Claus who fell in bleach

22. 22 is not the answer to the Test

23. Raistlin is not a 'big bee' nor is he an 'overgrown hornet'

24. Do not ask Raistlin if Dalamar is his 'Queen Bee'

25. When interrogated by a wizard, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "You want to go home and rethink your life."

26. Or "I do not want a Death Stick."

27. I will not say the phrase "Hey, Data" to Raistlin

28. Raistlin is not an Oompa Loompa Deluxe Edition

29. I shall not add sugar, spice, and everything nice to Raistlin's tea

30. I shall not bowl with a dragon orb

31. I will not dress up like Fistandantilus for Halloween

32. I do not have the authority to declare an official Hug a Black Robe Day

33. I will not mix kender tales in the history section of the Library

34. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel and unusual joke to play on the resident specters and Ghostbusters

35. I will never ask Dalamar if his burn marks are tingling

36. It is a bad idea to inform Raistlin Majere he takes himself too seriously

37. It is an equally bad idea to tell Dalamar Argent he takes himself too seriously

38. I will not lock Raistlin and Crysania and Caramon and Tika in a room and take bets on the outcome

39. I am not to play fetch with the Staff of Magius and insist Raistlin is a Golden Retriever

40. Raistlin's Laboratory is not a kennel for Labs

41. I shall not ask the Conclave if there is a Convex

42. I do not have the authority to establish a Convex

43. I do not have the authority to invite Kendermore over for a picnic

44. I am not to trade 'interesting' wizard items with kender…even for sugar

45. I shall not set the Live Ones free by flushing them into the sewer

46. Raistlin did not attempt to steal the 'Midas Touch' from Midas

47. Raistlin is not one of the X-Men

48. I am not to sing 'The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny' when Raistlin and Caramon meet

49. I am not to sing 'Man! I Feel Like a Woman' when I see Dalamar

50. I do not have the right to sell Dalamar's possessions on eBay, nor is Dalamar a pet rock

51. I shall not pawn Raistlin on eBay

52. I am not to ask Raistlin if he is a gold dragon in disguise

53. Dalamar's first name is not Beaker

AN: Okay, managed to recover chapter one...or most of it. I'm still missing six amusing numbers of hilarity. Please help me find them!