I stood on top of the highest hill, looking down at the markers below me. Every single one of them held a dead body, once a loved one, but now nothing more than fodder for maggots and rats. I don't know when I started becoming so jaded, but here I am, looking down at a cemetery, when I should be asleep. I don't know when this started becoming a nightly ritual, but here I am. Again. I sighed looking behind me. But I did know why I kept coming back.

It's already been eight years. Eight years since my life changed, and not for the better. My mom had died, finally, after living with cancer for three years. The doctors had said it was a miracle she'd been able to live those three years, but I knew it wasn't a miracle at all. She'd suffered horrible. Sometimes, when it was really quiet at night, I could hear her groans of pain and the tears she tries to keep silent. Even now I can still hear them, when it's really quiet. These sounds that won't go away no matter how much I had tried to make them bleed out through the cuts on my wrists.

I don't do that anymore. It took one particularly nasty visit to the hospital for me to realize how stupid I was acting. My mom wouldn't want me to hurt myself any more than I could want her to die.

A cold gust of wind passed through the branches of the trees, scattering leaves and ruffling my hair. It was time to go. Quickly I said goodbye to my mom, promising to come back the next night. Walking home was probably dangerous thing to do, especially at night, and especially for a sixteen year old boy, but at least it gave me time to think.

After she died, everything went to hell. My father remarried with the month, not giving a shit about his grieving foster son. What's more is that my new "mommy" already had another son. Well I suppose it's not all that bad anymore. Emil's grown on me, and I kinda like being the protecting older brother. But still, I wished my mother hadn't died on me.

I shook my head, not wanting to go down that road again. It was past midnight already; all that I needed right now was sleep. Walking around to the back of the house, I unlatched the window to my room, not wanting to disturb any one by going through the front.

My bed had never felt so good, even though I thought that every night. For some reason, talking with my mom always drained me of all energy. I don't know why, and I don't want to delve too deep into it. For now, I was just happy to slip into oblivion.

***–***

"Hey! Lukas, I'm over here!" I turned around quickly, attempting to walk in the other direction, but a hand landed on my soldier, preventing me from moving. Sighing, I turned around to face the obnoxious guy behind me.

"I saw you, Mathias, I just chose not to go over there."

"But why? Who would want to miss out on a chance to hang out with me?"

"I believe that would include about 99% of the school's population. You're delusions about your own grandeur occupy all the space around you anyways, so no one can hang out with you." Unfazed by the particularly snarky response I had given him, Mathias started to pull me towards his table with the rest of his friends. "Let go of me, dammit, I can walk by myself." I yanked my hand away, glaring at him. He turned around, pouting for a couple of seconds, before running up to Tino and Berwald. Feeling slightly guilty, I sat down next to the obnoxious blond in an attempt to appease him, though I would deny it if he ever asked me.

"Ohmygod, Lukas you're not going to believe this! Well, I'd already started noticing the signs before all of this started, but someone stuck in their own world, like you, might not have seen it. Anyways guess what?" He shot out each word in rapid fire succession, barely giving me time to catch up with what he was saying.

"What?" I snapped, starting to get irritated at his rambling. He seemed to sense this as he just told me what it was without further stalling.

"Okay! Tino and Berwald are dating! Isn't that great?" I snapped my head around to the two guys in front of me, watching as Tino was already turning a bright red, and Berwald looked about ready to kill Mathias. If I was stupid enough to miss this, which I'm not, their interlaced fingers would have given it away. I forced a smile on my lips, a rare show of emotion for me, trying to diffuse the awkward-ish silence that had ensued.

"Great." That was all I could manage at this point. I'm not a homophobe or anything, in fact I'm bi, but this meant that things would change. We'd no longer be the four best-friends. Tino and Berwald would want to go off on their own so that they could be all romantic, leaving Mathias and me alone. Well actually, just me. Mathias can't stand not being the center of attention most of the time, so he'd get bored hanging out with me all of the time. Not that I blame him. My expressionless face left much to be desired.

A dull screech rang out across campus, signaling the end of lunch. They really needed to get better bells, these ones were starting to hurt my ears.

"Well there goes the bell! Come on, let's get going Luke, I'm sure Tino and Berwald want to walk to class together alone." Sending them a smirk, he picked up my hand, towing me behind him through the crowd. I turned around to call out a chaste good-bye, just in time to see Tino blushing again, and Berwald enveloping him in a hug. I looked away, not wanting to intrude on their moment. This time, I didn't care that I was being dragged around like a tugboat; I was still envisioning my lonely future.

The rest of the school day passed by monotonously. I seriously didn't want to be there. And having Mathias in every single one on my classes didn't help either. That idiotic bastard kept slipping me notes in class, getting caught twice. Lucky for him, I was able to get us out of both situations. Somehow. It felt like forever until the final bell rand, allowing us freedom from our prison cells. I pushed open the doors with more force than necessary, hearing them bang against the wall.

"Geez Lukas, what's up with you? I said I was sorry didn't I?"

"I don't care about that." I kept walking, not caring if he followed; I just needed to get out.

"Oh. Then what's wrong? Come on, you can tell me. Please?" He continued to follow off campus and into the street. I sighed, knowing he wouldn't leave me alone until I told him what was up. But truthfully, I couldn't even explain the problem to myself.

"I don't know. I just need…to leave." I whispered the last part to myself, not sure where I wanted to go. But Apparently Mathias knew. He grabbed my hand, pulling me behind him for the third time that day. We walked around for twenty minutes; I didn't know where he was taking me until I could see the large cross looming in front of me. The Cemetery.

"What the fuck are we doing here?" Snatching my hand back, I scowled menacingly at Mathias.

"To see your mom. You always feel better after you talk to her." He sounded so sure of his answer, and he said it immediately, as if he didn't even have to think about the answer. Maybe there was more in that empty head of his than just air. We walked slowly to the hill; I was wondering how he knew to come here, how he knew that I talked to my deceased mother as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"So? What's going on?" I looked at him, watching his serious eyes as they stared at me. For once, Mathias was actually to shut up and listen to someone else's problems. He was a good friend.

I dropped to my knees, kneeling there in the ground. "I don't know. Everything's changing and I can't stop it. No matter what I do. I can't do a fucking thing about it. Not a thing. Tino's going to be with Berwald from now on, a-and we won't be able to s-see each other a-anymore…I-it's just g-going to be y-you and me…and then y-you're going to leave too 'c-cause I'm s-so boring." By the time I finished my speech I was sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks without end.

Mathias sat on the ground next to me, pulling me in to his lap so I could cry into his shirt. I held on to him like a lifeline, unable to stop crying. Eventually they did stop, probably 'cause I ran out of water in my body. But Mathias held me the entire time, not caring about his shirt that I was ruining with tears and harsh grips. "I'm s-sorry." I never showed emotion like I had right then, and I was embarrassed to have done it in front of Mathias, my friend.

I looked up to see his face, wondering how he'd react to such a spontaneous show of emotion, when I realized how close his face was. His lips were mere inches away from mine; I could feel his breath brush against my cheek as he exhaled. Closing the distance, he pressed his lips to mine, taking my breath and my sanity. With no other option left, I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation of being kissed by my best-friend. We eventually came up for air, although it was a bit reluctantly on my part. I stared at him, wide-eyed and confused beyond anything.

"Wh-what the hell was that?" Drained of all other emotions, I could only fall back on my anger to react. He was undisturbed by my harsh tone, his smile lighting up his face.

"A kiss."

"I know what the hell a kiss is, I mean, why the fuck did you do it?" I was getting irritated for real. What the hell did it mean?

"Well, you looked like you could use a distraction. And besides, you looked so cute and vulnerable with your wet eyelashes, I just had to do it."

Oh. So it wasn't 'cause he liked me or anything? He just wanted me to stop crying? Ha, of course, why would I think anything different? It's not like I'm special. I turned away from him, not wanting him to see the expression I knew would be on my face.

"Okay. It's late, we should probably go home." I got up from where I was sitting, in his freaking lap, and started making my way back down.

"Whoa, what just happened back there, Luke?"

"How the fuck would I know? I was just molested, I don't know how you felt about it."

"Hey, if I remember correctly, you were kissing me back too." My anger had brought his out too. I turned around to stare him down.

"You started this whole fucking thing okay. I never asked to be brought here. I didn't ask you to let me use your shoulder to cry on. And I sure as hell didn't ask you to kiss me. Just leave me alone, you never cared about me anyways."

"What? What the hell is that supposed to mean Lukas? You're my best friend of course I care about you!" He looked shocked by my last statement.

"Best-friends don't kiss each other, not guy friends. You just wanted to see how easy I was. Well congratulations, you got me to kiss you back. Now leave me the fuck alone." I turned around to walk back, but he grabbed my wrist again. Fed up with him, I struck out with my other hand, hitting him in the gut. His breath left him, but that didn't stop him from tackling me to the ground, sitting on top of me and effectively stopping any further hits. "Let me go! Let go dammit. Mathias!"

"No, not until you listen to me." That stubborn streak was back in his eyes again. He wasn't going to let me go until he was finished. "Yes, you are my best-friend, and yes, I did kiss you. But it wasn't to see how easy you were. God, Lukas you have to be the most stubborn person out there! If I wanted someone easy, I could have gone out with one of the girls at school. But I don't want them. I want you. I want to be more than friends with you. I love you. With each sentence, his voice had gotten lower, until he was whispering the last part.

I couldn't comprehend what had happened. We'd gone from crying, to fighting to…confessing? Mathias…loved me? But…how?

"Lukas…talk to me. Please." His expression had gone from loving to worry when I didn't immediately reply. I looked up at his eyes, those mesmerizing blue orbs, at his spiky blond hair, and his soft face.

"I…I love you too. I think." I tacked on the qualification at the end. This was going way too fast for me, I needed time to take it all in.

He let out a breath he'd apparently been holding, chuckling slightly. "You mean you know?" I rolled my eyes at his arrogance; same Mathias.

"Whatever. Get off me, you weigh a ton." He stood up, offering me a hand. I took it, allowing him to pull me up. He pulled with more force than necessary, lifting me off the ground so that I collided with his body.

"Geez, Lukas, you barely weigh a pound! When was the last time you ate?" I tried to pull away so I could fix him with a glare, but he held me close. I'll admit, it felt good to be held, but I knew he had planned that.

"Uh-huh. Like you didn't plan that." I put in as much sarcasm as I could, letting him know I knew what he'd done. He simply laughed, allowing me to pull away, but catching my hand so he could intertwine our fingers.

"So where does that leave us? Are we dating?" He smiled down at me, already knowing the answer.

I pretended to think about it for a while before answering his 'rhetorical' question. "No." I had the pleasure of seeing the shock cross his face.

"What? I thought we talked about this! I said I loved you."

"Yes, you did. But dating would imply that we've already gone on a date, which we haven't. You haven't taken me anywhere."

"What about now? We're off school and holding hands. This counts as a date!"

"Bringing me to a cemetery doesn't count as a date. You didn't even ask me." He groaned in frustration at my reply. I couldn't suppress the giggle that escaped my mouth. "You're not going to make this easy on me are you?"

"Nope." I grinned, showing another rare emotion. My best-friend had turned into my boyfriend within the space of a couple of minutes. It might be going a bit fast, but I was fine with it, so long as we would always be together.

Mathias walked me back to my house, even though his was in the opposite direction. I tried to chase him off, but he wouldn't listen, insisting that it was his right. I got irritated at that part, but fine, he was just making things harder on himself. He pecked me lightly on the lips before saying goodnight for the thousandth time. I had to threaten him off the porch. But I was happy, finally. I walked in the front door, not noticing the dark figure sitting on the couch.

"Where were you?" I was startled at first, but I turned to see it was just my father on the couch.

"I was out."

"With who?" Why was he suddenly asking so many questions?

"Mathias. He's my friend."

"No, he's not." What? How could he not remember Mathias after all the sleep overs he had in this house? "He's not just your friend, he's your fucking boyfriend isn't he?"

I stared in shock at the man in front of me. How had he figured it out? "No, he's just my friend." A little voice in my head told me to play it safe and not say anything about him.

His foot shot out in the air, turning the little coffee table in the middle of the living room over. I flinched at the show of violence; he'd never done anything like this before. Then I realized what was wrong. Finally, the strong smell of alcohol hit my noise, almost making me gag. He was drunk. And he was looking for a fight.

"Don't lie to me Lukas. I saw you two kissing! On your mother's fucking grave no less." How had he seen them? He never went there, ever in the eight years since she had been dead. Why now? "I'll show you what happens to gay faggots under my own roof." He stalked Lukas across the room, his eyes bloodshot, his fists clenched at his side.

Lukas looked at him with fear in his eyes. He cried out in his mind for Mathias as the first punch struck him across the face and sent him sprawling to the floor.

A/N: Hey guys! This is my first time leaving one of these, but this is also my second story. I didn't really know how this story would turn out, it was just supposed to be an outlet for my own stuff. Today is also a sad anniversary for me too, but I'm not gonna bore you with the details. Basically, this is me starting over after one year of coming full circle. Hopefully it works, I'll found out later. This was supposed to be a oneshot, but I write too much so It's just goin to be a twoshot…if you haven't caught on, im writing from Norway's perspective…uh not really sure if I captured him, this is my first time writing him, and I don't know the Nordics all that well…except for Finland :) anyways yeah, I still have another story to write, this one was just to vent…uh its rated M for a reason, bad language, and also for future…M rated scenes between Denmark and Norway, which I'll try to incorporate soon. OK thanks for listening to my problems (even of you didn't) but whatever. Um review? Please? Ha I know it isn't long, but I'll get there :)