Prompt: "AU / My best friend turned into a frog and now I'm being the best wingman/woman/person ever by bringing them around to bars and getting hot people to kiss them in hopes of hooking them up with their true love."
Mistletoad
just a tad polish
You have probably heard the story of Monty and Miller. It's been told thousands of times, imprinted into your brain, the way important conversations stick around when you're sober. But you've probably never heard the tale sober. It's told at the midnight hour when the storyteller's mouth is all burnt with Firewhiskey, gloating about his best friend kissing three hundred people. And you always say, "Jordan, you're full of crap," because he is.
But you're not always sure what to think, because Monty and Miller are definitely the type of people to catch the other's scent in Amortentia. Though they won't admit it, they're in love. As Jasper would say, True Love. So there is no way you can call out Jasper's bluff without having been there.
Well, having been there, I'll see what you think.
"Come on, man, I'm trying to finish this essay and all you can talk about is Maya."
Jasper is studying in the library with Monty. Well, Monty is studying, and Jasper is ranting about Maya, but that's a minor detail. Nothing matters more than the Herbology incident that afternoon in which he'd tripped and fallen face-first into the Venomous Tentacula. (If it were any other day, Jasper would have considered the incident as a sign for True Love, but today is Tuesday.)
See, Tuesdays are cursed for Jasper. Though Monday is finally out of the way, there are still three more torturous days until he can blow off schoolwork and raid the kitchens for butterbeer. Not to mention Tuesdays are double Charms. (While the class itself is impossible, Shumway has it out for him.) And to make it worse, Quidditch team results come out tomorrow, which is another thing to be worried about. Jasper knows his Keeping skills are equivalent to a horned slug's… yet he's still holding on to the shred of hope like it's a lifeline.
"Sorry. I'm a little restless," Jasper tells Monty. He looks down at his own parchment, but he doesn't have Potions tomorrow so the blank paper isn't concerning. Across the table, Monty's handwriting is spidery and haphazard.
"A little restless?" Monty snorts. "Leave that to the first year Hufflepuffs."
"Hey! Hufflepuffs aren't all nervous breakdowns waiting to happen."
"I never implied they were. Just that you aren't acting very Gryffindor."
Jasper rolls his eyes, moving his feet so they're resting on the table. His shoes are still muddy from Quidditch that weekend, but he can't remember the spell for cleaning them. (Freaking double Charms. Jasper hates it, but he must endure.)
"You aren't acting very Gryffindor," Jasper says immaturely. "Go back to your Potions."
"Actually, I'm headed for the Restricted section. Come with?"
There is a sigh, a grumbled protest, and Jasper is being dragged to a room that hasn't been dusted in centuries, probably. Technically, nobody ever said Jasper was allowed to be here when Monty's around, but nobody ever said he wasn't. It's universally assumed that Monty keeps an eye on him. During fourth year, Mr. Vie gave Monty full permission to visit the Restricted section whenever he pleases, seeing as he's a trustworthy Ravenclaw with respect for the old volumes.
(Not that Jasper doesn't have any respect. When he asked for full access, Mr. Vie declined with the truth: Jasper's an immature prankster from Gryffindor. And he won't deny this doesn't hurt, since Monty pulls as many pranks as he does, but House prejudice is House prejudice.)
The brown-haired boy takes this time to admire the shelved books. Their covers are fascinating, some bound in leather and others bound in materials he'd rather not inspect under one of Monty's newfangled "microscopes" (don't ask, Jasper doesn't know how they work, either). On the other hand, his best friend walks briskly to the corner and crouches near a row of books, running his finger over their embossed titles.
Jasper isn't exactly paying attention when Monty removes a book from the shelf. He's gotten distracted by a particularly detailed spine that mentions something about Herbology, which naturally leads him to thinking about Maya. Maya- Merlin- Maya is the most talented and beautiful specimen to ever have graced the greenhouses with her presence, and Jasper is undeniably, irrevocably in True Love with her. Despite the Venomous Tentacula incident. And the fact that they've spoken four times. Oh, dear, Jasper's day cannot get any worse.
Once again: Jasper isn't exactly paying attention when Monty removes a book from the shelf. But he is paying attention when Monty opens the book and disappears in a cloud of dust.
Literal disappearance. An entire-body experience. Except for the fact that, hold up, Monty isn't completely gone.
Okay, so Monty has turned into a frog.
Frog. F-R-O-G frog. Frogfrogfrog. Jasper's mouth is gaping. He shuffles closer to the little creature, which sits perched on the overturned book, its eyes widened in a look of surprise that mirrors his own.
Considering that they both attend a school of magic and have just been writing essays on love potions, this shouldn't be surprising. But Monty freaking Green has transformed into a freaking frog, and Jasper's day has definitely gotten a lot worse. He will never again underestimate the power of Tuesdays.
Almost immediately, he scoops up the frog and stares at it, questions ricocheting in his mind. The frog lets out a displeased chirp. Jasper deduces that Monty isn't enjoying his newfound frog legs (not the edible kind, mind you), and snorts with amusement. He's soon doubled over in laughter.
(The situation is actually hilarious. Not every day your best friend becomes an amphibian. Especially a green amphibian, which has the potential for some incredibly beautiful puns.)
After a few minutes, Jasper's expression sobers. Monty's a frog. Cool, alright, but what if he isn't able to change back within a couple of days? Monty has never missed a deadline in his life, and since the two have classes all week, the Ravenclaw might end up having a panic attack if he fails an assignment. And… and what if this transfiguration is irreversible? What if Monty is a frog for the rest of his life?
Jasper pales at the prospect of never talking to his best friend ever again.
If the frog were any other guy (on any other day), Jasper would probably wait until morning to approach a professor, but this is Monty (and it's a Tuesday). So he slides the frog into his pocket and makes a predictably irrational decision by high-tailing it out of the library and running toward the Headmaster's office. Surely the man will know how to fix any problem.
He spends thirty minutes groveling in front of the gargoyles and Professor Wallace for the passcode, but Jasper finally makes it into Kane's office, so it's worth it. When he enters, Kane is understandably annoyed with his presence. However, Jasper isn't here for self-gratification.
"…And then he turned into a frog," he says, having related the entire story in a single breath. "Here he is in my pocket, Professor. Will you change him back?"
Kane sighs, tipping his nose down at the amphibian in Jasper's hand. The frog (Monty, Jasper reminds himself) has large green spots dotting his back and dark eyes blown wide with apparent confusion. (Or perhaps at the novelty of being in the Headmaster's office. Jasper isn't sure how present his friend is behind that curved, amphibious smirk.)
"First of all, that isn't a frog. It's a toad," says Kane.
Well whoop-de-do. Jasper has to clamp his mouth shut to prevent from saying it's Monty either way.
"And second of all," Kane goes on, "why didn't you go to your Head of House with this information?"
Jasper shrugs. "Indra would probably think this is another prank."
The Headmaster seems displeased as he takes out his wand and performs a few nonverbal spells to confirm Monty's predicament isn't a prank (Jasper feels kind of insulted about the fact that nobody trusts him anymore). But Jasper feels triumphant as they stroll down to the library to further analyze the cause. Mr. Vie seems utterly confused as they enter, and the book Monty was reading still lies face-down in the Restricted section. Upon seeing it, Kane chuckles.
(This gives Jasper hope that Monty's greenness is only temporary. Which causes him to snicker about all the puns he'll make when Monty is human again. He'll have to use the 'tad Polish' joke: that one's a classic.)
"This is a normal occurrence," Professor Kane tells him simply. "We have a similar incident happen every twenty years or so. Someone finds the book, opens it, and becomes a toad. Your friend is going to be fine."
"Alright, so can you turn him back?" (Jasper tries to keep the eagerness from his tone. He isn't that desperate.)
"Unfortunately, I can't at this moment."
And that's that.
By the time he reaches the Gryffindor common room, Jasper has decided that this is the worst Tuesday ever. Not only is Monty a fro-toad, but according to Kane, there's a zero percent chance he'll be human again unless he gets kissed by his True Love. Though this news is supposed to be relieving and uplifting, it poses a problem: Monty does not have a True Love. He doesn't have a Maya to occupy his thoughts. Therefore, he has a zero percent chance of reverse transfiguration, and Jasper has a zero percent chance of seeing his best friend ever again.
Which is not okay. Seriously, not okay, Jasper is about to start bawling right in front of Octavia Blake and he'll never be able to live that down.
He trudges up to the sixth years' dormitory and takes refuge in his bunk, holding Monty in the palm of his hand. Monty looks bored. Personally, Jasper has no idea what to do now. He should probably be brainstorming how to find Monty's True Love, but he can't come up with anything, and casually glancing through his stash of Maya Vie photos isn't an option when Monty's right there with him…
A thought strikes him. Duh! All he has to do is try to convince every girl in the nearest vicinity to kiss Monty. Surely one of them will end up being his True Love.
...Except this poses another two problems. First of all, Jasper must do this covertly. As they'd been walking back to the Headmaster's office, Kane told Jasper to keep this under wraps for as long as possible. Kane will inform the teachers, and Jasper can tell his friends if they ask about Monty, but otherwise this won't be going public. (Jasper secretly decides that Kane is incredibly unaware of the Hogwarts rumor mill. The news will be spread by this time tomorrow.)
Secondly, for Jasper to determine Monty's True Love, he will need to find a lot of free kisses. And free kisses aren't easy to come by, especially when the person to kiss happens to be a fro-toad. There's only one method for carrying out this experiment: bribery.
(Ignoring the fact that he's broke. As in, I-only-have-two-Knuts broke, and that joke isn't even funny. Maybe he can borrow a few Galleons from Wells.)
Bribing the Gryffindor girls should be easy. Hufflepuff should be too, and who knows, Jasper might be lucky enough to get Monty a few kisses out of pure kindness. Ravenclaw will probably ask a plethora of questions, but Jasper will have to tell most them the truth anyway, considering Monty is absent from his dormitory tonight. And as for the Slytherins… Jasper shudders, trying to imagine asking Lexa to kiss his "pet toad."
Actually, he'd rather not think about the subject any longer. If he dies trying to save his best friend's wizardly existence, at least he'll have died for a good cause.
Jasper strokes a finger down the toad's back before it hops away toward the end of the bed. "Goodnight, Mon," he says quietly, leaning back. It will all be okay. Tomorrow, Jasper will try his very best to convince people they won't get a disease from smooching an amphibian, and it will work. It has to work.
Let operation Get Green a Girl commence.
Jasper isn't having much luck.
After taking a shower, he approaches Wells and asks about borrowing ten Galleons' worth of Sickles. Surprisingly, Wells hands the money over without question. Jasper likes that about him. Wells is trusting and kind enough to be a Hufflepuff, but noble enough to be Gryffindor. Being the Minister of Magic's son has had no effect on his disposition.
Jasper stands in the middle of the Gryffindor common room and calls attention to himself. It's just before breakfast, so most people are milling about with food on their minds. "Hey everybody," he says. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies, but I'm paying every girl a Sickle to kiss my pet toad."
Everyone in the room looks appalled. Is it really that shocking?
Octavia is the first to approach him, and of course, she's asking every question imaginable. "Where did you get that toad? Where did you get the money? Are you absolutely insane?" Jasper just proffers a Sickle in one hand and Monty in the other. Octavia takes her Sickle, kisses Monty on the top of the head, and nothing happens.
One down, a few hundred more to go.
By the end of it, Monty's been kissed twenty-six times, and he still looks toad-ally amphibious. Since there are forty-one girls in Gryffindor, operation GGG is still underway, but Jasper has made a dent in the numbers. This calls for a plate-load of bacon and some covert staring at Maya from across the Great Hall.
Unfortunately, once Jasper enters the Great Hall, Monty safely tucked in his pocket, all hell breaks loose.
Raven is the first to approach him. She looks incredibly vicious, and really hot too (but Jasper is in True Love with Maya so he has no motivation for pursuit). "Where's Monty?" she asks heatedly. "He was supposed to meet me in the common room after your study session last night, but he wasn't there, so I talked to Wick who talked to one of Monty's roommates, and turns out he didn't even show up to his dormitory last night."
"Er…" Jasper takes a large gulp of pumpkin juice to cover up his nerves. "I don't know where he is, I haven't seen him."
"But you definitely saw him during your study session! And you're the last one to have- wait, you didn't used to have a toad."
Raven's look of suspicious accusation does it. Jasper covers his face with his hands. "Look, you can't tell a bunch of people, because Kane doesn't want rumors flying around. But it's not my fault!"
"Kane?" Raven looks alarmed.
"Yeah. Monty…" Jasper looks around at his fellow Gryffindors, none of whom are paying attention, and lowers his voice. "…well, he's turned into a toad."
He points at the small creature, which lets out a chirp and hops toward Raven.
Raven doesn't believe him at first, but once they leave the Great Hall and he explains the details, she plants a kiss on Monty-the-toad's forehead. As to be expected, nothing happens. (Jasper is secretly disappointed. He's always thought that Monty deserves to have a hot girlfriend, and Raven would be perfect.)
They return to the Great Hall, but just before Jasper begins eating again, another Ravenclaw approaches him with wild hand gestures. After that conversation, he takes toad-Monty and retires to the Gryffindor common room. If people are going to start pestering him all day, maybe he'll have to start taking meals in the kitchens. (Jasper feels a headache coming on.)
By that afternoon, the entire school seems to know that Monty's missing, and half of them know he's become a creature of miniscule size. Girls who have heard of Jasper's GGG operation are coming to him willingly, which is nice, considering he doesn't want to spend all of Wells' Sickles. By the end of the day, Monty has been kissed by every curved-chested figure in Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, as well as many from Hufflepuff.
Harper, one of Monty's best friends, is included in the mix. Jasper knows the two dated last year. He also knows they broke up because her parents were adamant about Harper marrying a pureblood. Which is stupid- everyone's heard of Harry Potter and the Wizarding War, and you'd think blood tensions would have died down by now- but there are still some purebloods demanding consistency. (Their reaction was bad enough when Harper got sorted to Hufflepuff. Howlers for months.)
When she kisses the toad, he's silently praying that she is Monty's True Love. He knows Monty still loves her by the looks he's seen in co-house Arithmancy. But she isn't, and Jasper can see the disappointment in Harper's eyes, her subtle frown.
"I'm already tired of trying," Jasper says, in attempt to distract her from the truth.
Harper smiles crookedly. "Hopefully the person who can turn him back actually goes to Hogwarts."
"Yeah, let's hope. I've been crossing my fingers that it isn't a Slytherin. Besides Clarke, I wouldn't call any of them approachable."
The Hufflepuff laughs, and the Gryffindor smiles. They're sitting in library armchairs, Monty-the-toad looking contemplative as he perches on Jasper's arm rest. Jasper is still not sure if the toad has the same thoughts that Monty does. He wishes he could ask. He wishes his best friend were sitting here, completely human, speaking coherently about incoherent ideas. Jasper and Monty have never gone a day without seeing each other; this is taking its toll.
"I'm going to go back to the tower, Harper," he says. "It's been a long day."
She nods. "See you tomorrow. Breakfast date in the kitchens?"
"You're on."
Day two of operation Get Green a Girl, and Monty is still very much a toad.
Jasper has two free periods, but spends them working on his Potions essay in the library. Various people approach him, wanting to know where Monty is and if the rumors are true. Each time, he keeps his mouth zipped and Monty tucked away in his pocket. The toad gets antsy from claustrophobia, but Jasper thinks it understands he's only doing this to avoid questions.
He has Care of Magical Creatures that afternoon, which is a small co-house class. Maya is there, surrounded by her Hufflepuff friends, and Jasper only took CaMaCrea as an elective because she did. (He doesn't know why she takes it. You don't need CaMaCrea credits when you're training to be a Healer. However, Clarke Griffin is also there for no fathomable reason, so Jasper ignores the questions and appreciates having a friend.)
He likes Clarke. Everybody does. She's kind, determined, and doesn't seem vicious enough for Slytherin. Jasper asks her to kiss his "pet toad," and she does without question.
(Monty's still a toad. But Jasper knows Bellamy Blake has his claim on her, so maybe that's a relief.)
Jasper spends all of CaMaCrea trying to work up the courage to approach Maya. Clarke doesn't ask why he isn't paying attention to the caged Manticore, instead waiting until class is over to shove him in Maya's direction. Jasper stumbles in front of her group of friends, pulling Monty from his pocket. He hopes there isn't a dopey smile on his face. "Hey girls… Maya," he says.
"Hello, Jasper." (She is so bloody gorgeous.)
"Er, so I have this pet… well, he's not really… okay, so I can't say why, but I need you to kiss him."
The three Hufflepuff girls around Maya look skeptical. "That's weird," says one of them- Mel- her nose scrunching slightly.
"I'll give you a Sickle each?" Jasper stutters.
Maya hesitates; then nods to him. "It's okay, keep the Sickles." He's a bit dazed when she reaches for the hand in which he's holding Monty and presses her lips to the toad's forehead. (Jasper feels bad as a wave of relief washes over him. Monty is nowhere closer to being Monty again, but this means Maya is Jasper's True Love, without a doubt.)
Mel and the others are reluctant, but Maya simply adorns a death stare until they comply. Jasper watches her in awe. It's a miracle she wasn't sorted into Slytherin. In fact, he's lately been wondering whether or not Houses actually say anything genuine about people's identities. He thinks he read an article once about the Sorting Hat taking student's choices into consideration. Besides, all humans are multi-faceted.
During dinner, Maya approaches him with a large group of Hufflepuff girls in tow. "Here're the ones that said they haven't kissed your frog yet."
Jasper is so in love he is going to die. "He's a toad," says the Gryffindor weakly.
That's how he ends the day with the realization that Monty's True Love is a Slytherin. Jasper feels sick to his stomach with the knowledge that all of those girls are cunning, at least half of them are evil, and tomorrow he'll have to bribe kisses out of their pursed lips. Hopefully Clarke will be able to help him out, considering she's in the same house as the lot of them. And with luck, operation Get Green a Girl will not have to be dubbed Get Green a Serial Killer.
It has been a week since Monty amphibi-vanished, and Jasper is down to one last Slytherin.
The entire process has been tricky. After going to Clarke, who was able to convince sixteen girls to kiss the Green toad (how, she won't tell him), Jasper went around to each Slytherin individually. Most girls demanded more than one Sickle- some bartered with five, others demanded a whole Galleon for Merlin's sake!- but he managed to get plenty of kisses with the last of Wells' money. (Jasper will bravely admit that he nearly peed his pants in front of Costia and ran screaming when Emori threatened to hex him. He weaned a kiss from them both, and he is not ashamed.)
Now, he's faced with one last challenge, and Jasper feels like his stomach is going to explode from worry. It's Lexa. If he asks Lexa to kiss Monty-the-toad, she's going to kill him. If he asks Lexa to kiss Monty-the-toad and she complies, then she's still going to kill him. If he asks Lexa to kiss Monty-the-toad and he turns into Monty-the-human, Costia is going to torture Jasper for hours on end until he dies, and that will be that.
He begs Clarke to arrange him a meeting with the Slytherin Queen. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees to bring Lexa, on the condition that he won't push any boundaries. He promises not to.
When the time finally comes, Jasper wants to throw up and throw himself out the Gryffindor tower window all at once. Lexa approaches him beside Clarke, her narrowed eyes decorated with dark makeup. "Why have you brought me here, Gryffindor?"
Jasper is freaking terrified. This is so much worse than asking Maya. "I- er- Ms. Wo- Lexa. Lexa, I was wondering if you would- er- kiss this toad?"
It's a Tuesday, and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Lexa refuses adamantly. Clarke seems to have prevented her from taking her wand to their meeting, which Jasper is eternally grateful for, but Lexa is no less frightening. She accuses him of attempting to muck up her pure blood, give her a disease, and ruin her reputation. She threatens him, tells him of the spells she knows, that she can have him expelled and-
And Jasper just wants Monty to be Monty again, so he takes one look at the toad in his hand, pauses for a split second, and shoves the creature toward Lexa's mouth.
Monty's head grazes her lip. Nothing happens. Lexa shrieks, Monty remains fun-size, and Jasper takes off running in the opposite direction.
Oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin.
When he reaches Gryffindor tower, Jasper collapses onto an armchair and tries his best not to cry from the stress of a near-death situation. Once he releases the toad from his relentless grip, it makes itself scarce, seeking refuge somewhere else. (Stepping into Monty's shoes, Jasper wouldn't want to have forcefully kissed Lexa, either. Not only does it mean Monty will potentially be murdered alongside Jasper, but the kiss was all for naught.)
Jasper pauses.
The kiss was all for naught.
HolyfreakingMerlinohmyHarryPotterduckingcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!
Lexa isn't Monty's True Love. Which means Monty is in True Love with a girl that goes to Beauxbatons or Durmstrang… or worse, she's a Muggle. Jasper cannot go throughout the universe asking every Muggle woman in existence to kiss a toad! He doesn't have that many Sickles! And this means Monty is going to be a toad for the rest of his life, oh crap, and Jasper is going to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Jasper misses Monty. Really, really misses him. Monty would know what to do.
He sighs. Maybe he doesn't have to go around asking girls to kiss Monty… maybe there's another way. Well, Headmaster Kane did say this was the only option, but perhaps nobody has ever tried another solution. The Restricted section is bound to have some counter-curse ideas. Maybe Professor Indra will know what to do- she's dedicated her entire life to Transfiguration. Jasper is not alone in this. He's surrounded by resources, and Monty Green will find his True Love at last.
Let operation Get Green a Girl continue.
It's Friday evening, and Jasper is in the library.
The only people in the library right now are himself and Mr. Vie. It's quite shocking: not even the Ravenclaws care to study after a week of heavy coursework. Jasper is sure that there's a party raging in Gryffindor tower, and normally he would be part of the masses, but not today. Professor Indra recommended some books and gave him a signed note for the Restricted section during class. He cannot waste this opportunity.
There are piles of books surrounding him, and this is the reason Jasper didn't want to be sorted into Ravenclaw. But there is his best friend, sitting pleasantly on the wooden desk in front of him, and if that's not motivation, Jasper doesn't know what is.
Someone coughs above him. He looks up, bleary-eyed. "Harper? What do you want?"
"What are you doing in here, Jasper?" she asks.
"Researching. You?"
"Typically nobody is in the library on Friday nights, so Monroe and I use the space for practicing Defense Against the Dark Arts," Harper says. "What are you researching?"
Two years ago, Jasper wouldn't have said. There was a time when he assumed Harper was low-hanging fruit: pureblooded, but weak and moon-eyed. That was back when he was head-over-heels for Octavia Blake. But after falling for Maya and helping Harper and Monty through their breakup, he considers the Hufflepuff one of his best friends. Don't underestimate a girl who wears black and yellow: she always has the potential to sting you.
"I'm looking up ways to counter the toad transfiguration," he sighs, nodding at Monty-the-amphibian.
"You've given up with the kissing experiment?"
"Yeah."
"Why?" Harper looks confused.
"Well, it isn't working. He's been kissed by every single girl in Hogwarts, even the first years, and I even tried Lexa. But nothing helps! What am I supposed to do? Surely none of the teachers are his…" Jasper trails off. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Harper pulls up a chair and sits, looking grim. "Jasper," she says, "he didn't tell you?"
"Tell me…?"
"Monty's bisexual."
And Merlin's pants holy crap bloody freaking hell, of course he is.
Jasper is speechless for several small eternities, alternating his gaze from the toad on the table to Harper, who seems stuck between empathy and laughter. Okay, so that's news. Several things click into place at once: that one time Monty was adamantly saying that Bellamy Blake's freckles looked like stars; Monty's insistence on getting up insanely early to shower (avoiding the crowds); Monty's blush when they were hanging around the Quidditch pitch that one time, even when there weren't any hot girls around; the fact that none of the Hogwarts girls are his True Love. Jasper thanks Merlin and Harry Potter and all the bloody stars in the universe, including the ones on Bellamy's nose, for this information.
He knocks over several of the book piles as he hugs Harper, feeling exhilarated. "Harper McIntyre, I think I love you," he says. (If you ask him, the tears in his eyes are being caused by book dust, not gratitude.)
"Should I be worried?" says someone that definitely isn't the person he's hugging. Jasper looks over Harper's shoulder to see Zoe Monroe, a fellow Gryffindor sixth year who remains notorious for her intricate braiding style.
"Nah. Jasper just had an epiphany," Harper replies. She extricates herself from Jasper's grasp, and he's not sure why the two are gazing at each other so intently, but he figures that's their business.
Later that evening, after nabbing a butterbeer from Octavia, Jasper borrows another ten Galleons from Wells. Once again, Wells asks no questions, and Jasper is a bit off put. (There's no way somebody can be that trusting and manage to survive in a world full of money-starved teenagers. Considering the rate Wells distributes Galleons and the rate people don't reimburse him, the Jaha bank account could run out within a few years.)
He pockets the coins and they rattle nicely when he takes off his robes before bed. The rest of his dorm mates are still partying in the common room, but Jasper's exhausted, looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning. Monty sits on the end of his pillow.
"Dude, why didn't you ever tell me?" he says to the toad, pulling on his pajamas. "I've been playing your wingman all these years and I could have totally hooked you up with some hot guys."
The toad chirps, and Jasper has hope for the first time since Tuesday.
Operation Get Green a Girl has officially been renamed Get Green a Guy (for technical purposes).
Jasper's desperation is now less subtle. He begins to approach guys left and right, no matter their age or House. It's a lot easier than with the girls. (Jasper never truly appreciated girls' ferocity until he went around paying them for toad kisses. Guys are much more gullible. Offer one a Sickle, and he'll do your bidding without question.)
However, searching the opposite end of the gender spectrum has its own challenges. Jasper isn't sure if he's supposed to search out gay students or just male students in general, considering it would brutally suck if Monty found True Love with a straight man. Also, Jasper has never really thought about his friend having a type. Does gender change anything about visual preference? Does visual preference matter at all?
Thinking back, Monty's type seemed to be girls with bubbly and kind personas, but maybe that was just Harper. Who knows? Perhaps he's a sucker for the "tall, dark and handsome" stereotype. (That would certainly explain Monty and Jasper's conversation about Bellamy's freckles. And the blushes when encountering Slytherin's Quidditch team.)
(In fact, maybe Jasper should put the Slytherin Quidditch team on his list of potential experimental subjects.)
And so it goes. Jasper spends most of Saturday walking around the Hogwarts grounds with Monty tucked safely between his palms. He spots Raven and Wick sitting on a stone bench, working on Arithmancy, and he goes up to them with a crooked grin. "Kiss the toad?" Jasper says jokingly. Wick does, with no lack of merciless teasing. He isn't Monty's True Love, though it's better to be safe than sorry.
"But seriously," Wick says. "Get my man Monty back to normal, you hear? I can't leave Hogwarts without learning how the moon affects tidal waves, or I'll have wasted my time befriending him."
Jasper nods, Wick cracks an awful joke about wands, and Raven says something about dropkicking her boyfriend's arse to the Shrieking Shack. When he turns his back to their bantering, there's a grin on his lips. Monty-the-amphibian is looking pleased as well.
Once he's faced Murphy and Mbege, all traces of his brilliant mood vanish. (After wasting ten Sickles, Jasper realizes it isn't Murphy or Mbege, which definitely relieves some of the pressure from his shoulders.)
He goes to Bellamy Blake, too, and the rest of the Slytherin team. They don't have practice today, but Jasper knows Bellamy leads an intensive workout program most mornings. It's located in a secluded part of the grounds that is grassy and moderately devoid of trees, other than the few they use as makeshift goals. Jasper watches from afar as Bellamy leads a few team members in laps around the trees, and then instructs them to dismount and do odd exercises on the ground.
The word cardio floats across his mind, and Jasper's sure Monty told him the definition at some point, but he's not exactly sure what it means.
"Hey, Bellamy!" he says, when he's close enough to see the boy's freckles. Bellamy instantly springs from where he's been thrusting his chest up off the ground, looking a bit confused to see him. The others stop, too. One of them is Clarke, their Seeker, and she smiles.
"Hey- I'm Jasper. I don't know if you know me, I'm friends with your sister…?"
"Yeah, I know you, Jordan. Clarke was telling me about what happened to your friend. Is that why you're here?"
Jasper looks at the ground sheepishly. "Er- kind of. Yeah. I've got Sickles if you want one."
"Can't hurt." Bellamy Blake's freckles really do look like stars, Jasper thinks. He also thinks that it would be kind of awesome if Bellamy were Monty's True Love. He fits the "tall, dark and handsome" category, seems nice enough (for a Slytherin), and would probably love Monty as deeply as he loves his sister. Except Bellamy's straight, and he's got evident sexual tension with Clarke.
Well, it can't hurt, and it doesn't. Bellamy plants his lips on the toad's head. No change. Jasper mourns a bit for the freckle conversation.
Another Chaser, Atom, kisses Monty-the-toad with a skeptical eyebrow. So does Jones, their Keeper. Everyone is rewarded with a Sickle, Emori nods to Jasper in a way that sort of makes up for her previous hex threat, and Bellamy orders his team to get back to work. "We can't be losing to Gryffindor," he reminds them fervently.
Jasper thanks them as they mount their brooms. "And d'you know where your Beaters went off to?"
"Roma has a project. Miller's flaking off with his boyfriend." (Bellamy's sour expression indicates that Miller will be getting extra laps tomorrow. Jasper should probably know who Miller is, but he doesn't.)
"Alright. Good luck with practices."
"Same to Gryffindor. Do you play a position?"
Bellamy's words are ignored. Jasper is already gone off in search of more potential True Loves; there's no time for telling Bellamy Blake about his failure to make the team. (The devastation he felt after seeing results last Wednesday was made more brutal by Monty's absence. Of course, there is always next year. But, Jasper reflects, try telling that to yourself without crying when you're speaking to a toad for comfort in an empty dormitory.)
He clutches Monty in his hand, his mental strength renewed. Where there's a will, there's a way, and Jasper is going to find his best friend's True Love if it takes him years of stealing Wells' Sickles. As for now? "Hey! Hey, Art! Artigas! Would you mind kissing my toad? I know it sounds weird, but you've probably heard the rumors about Monty..."
Jasper stumbles across Miller by accident.
It's a Tuesday- of course it's a Tuesday, why wouldn't it be- and instead of studying in the library, Jasper is serving detention with Professor Griffin. To make a long story short, there was a Potions incident in which one of the Slytherin sixth years refused to kiss Monty, so Jasper ended up feeding the guy his love potion out of frustration. The love potion resulted in Monty getting an abundant amount of kisses, which was great, except for the fact that he's still a toad.
And now Jasper is getting death glares from a creature the size of a Cauldron Cake.
Anyway, when he enters the dungeons accompanied with a vengeful amphibian and a cross frown, there are two other guys serving detention in the same classroom. Jasper recognizes one of them: a Hufflepuff seventh year named Bryan. As far as he knows, Bryan is a decent fellow who likes Herbology and CaMaCrea. Monty might have talked to him once or twice. (Muggleborns occasionally flock together.)
However, he only slightly recognizes the guy on Bryan's right. The guy wears green-trimmed robes and seems to hate Tuesdays just as much as Jasper.
"Hi, Jasper, right?"
The Gryffindor nods. "And you're Bryan. Think I've seen you around the greenhouses before."
Jasper sits a few desks away, but Bryan is extremely friendly and they strike up a conversation about Professor Vera's teaching methods and ways to reduce hazardous Venomous Tentacula encounters. The guy next to Bryan is silent, but Jasper can see from this vantage point that they're holding hands, so whoever it is must be Bryan's boyfriend. Which might be beneficial for operation Get Green a Guy (although at the same time, Jasper doesn't think Monty would want to interfere with a relationship).
He'll ask, though- he's got to ask, and the conversation seems to lead right to the subject. "So, what're you in detention for?" Bryan inquires.
He laughs. "Well… Merlin, this sounds odd, but I forced one of my classmates to drink a love potion so that they'd kiss my toad, here." Bryan looks aghast, while the other guy seems curious. "No, it wasn't Amortentia, and no, I'm not insane. See, I'm conducting an experiment-"
"Mr. Jordan, if you terrorize one more student about kissing your toad in my classroom, you'll be placed in Tuesday detentions for the rest of the year," says Professor Griffin sternly. (There's a trace of amusement there- Jasper knows she knows it's Monty- but teachers have been instructed not to mention Monty in front of students.) "Sorry I'm late, boys. Heads of House meeting."
There's a nod from the Slytherin.
"What's the plan for this evening, Professor?" asks the Hufflepuff.
"Since the two of you were so kind as to knock over one of my shelves while displaying your affections for each other, you'll be replacing a few of the broken items. Meanwhile, Mr. Jordan here is going to be locked in a room with a different toad while under the influence of a love potion."
Wait a moment. "What?!" Jasper exclaims. "No, you can't do that, as a member of the faculty you aren't allowed-"
Professor Griffin's smile is absolutely evil. "There are no guidelines to dictate detentions," she says, "and it's only for ten minutes, Mr. Jordan. An appropriate punishment. At least you won't be pickling brains, like these two."
And so Jasper allows himself to be lead to an empty classroom down the hall. Professor Griffin takes Monty from him, kindly offering up a different toad. The new toad is an ugly, brown-spotted behemoth, and Jasper doesn't see how he is supposed to fall in love with it. He soon finds out, downing the proffered potion with a look of sheer panic.
(In the future, people will try to convince Jasper to describe what it's like to be in love with an unidentified toad. Honestly, all he'll end up remembering is the craving for something intangible, and the press of his lips against textured skin. Which is kind of disgusting. At least he doesn't end up getting salmonella or some other disease.)
When the ten minutes are up, Griffin forces the antidote down his throat and he returns to his normal self. When they return to the Potions classroom, Bryan and his boyfriend are working diligently, and Jasper still has another half an hour until his allotted detention time is up. Professor Griffin simply assigns him a few lines. (Truth be told: the smell is enough to make detention a slight bit torturous. But Jasper's here for Monty, and that's a pretty noble cause.)
By the time the two seventh years are finished, Jasper's done with lines and waiting next to the doors for them. After all, this is probably his only chance to get them to kiss Monty. They're dating, but one could have the potential to be his best friend's True Love.
(Jasper hopes it's Bryan. Jasper really hopes it's Bryan, he seems so nice.)
"Okay," he says to Bryan, when it's all said and done, "I'm sorry, but I really do need to ask you about that experiment."
Bryan looks to his boyfriend with an unreadable expression, and then back at Jasper. "Yeah?"
"I don't know if you've heard the rumors flying around, but I'm conducting an experiment that requires participants to kiss my pet toad. I can't say why, but it's extremely important, and I'll pay you a Sickle. Would you?"
"Er…" the Hufflepuff looks skeptical, and rightfully so. "Would I contract salmonella?"
"Nope, I've performed some spells to counteract disease." (Jasper hasn't, but Kane swore that any kisses wouldn't cause sickness.) "I know it sounds creepy, and I know I got detention for it, but you'd be doing me a huge favor."
Bryan nods. "Alright."
Jasper holds Monty out to him. The toad sits, looking alert, and Bryan bends down to quickly peck the top of the toad's head. Jasper takes a deep, preparatory breath in. But- Bryan is backing away. Monty is still a toad. The Gryffindor has gotten his hopes up for nothing.
He lets out a devastated sigh. Bryan nods, smiling uncomfortably, and Jasper reaches into his pocket for a Sickle. Taking it, Bryan moves to leave, slipping his hand into the Slytherin's-
"Wait."
They stop, turning back around.
"What's your name?" Jasper says, gesturing.
The Slytherin narrows his eyes. "Miller," he says in a gruff, clipped tone. (Jasper automatically decides that this is exactly the sort of guy he wouldn't want Monty dating, because it's the silent ones that are the scariest. Bloody hell, this guy is probably a serial killer in disguise.)
(Then again, the name Miller instantly clicks in Jasper's mind. He's Slytherin's other Beater, one of Bellamy's trusted elite, which means that Miller is probably a giant teddy bear wearing a Voldemort-wannabe costume. Plus, he's dating Bryan. That's got to give him Hufflepuff points.)
"Hey, man, I get not wanting to kiss a toad. But the offer applies to the both of you, and I've got plenty of Sickles to spare."
Miller suddenly looks incredibly angry, his hand drifting to his wand pocket, which causes Jasper to nearly pee his pants in fright. "Who the fuck d'you think you are, Gryffindor?"
Jasper squeaks.
"Nate," says Bryan warningly.
There's a moment where Jasper clutches Monty tightly in his hand, ready to high-tail it out of the dungeons. They are standing in the middle of an empty hallway, which makes a quick escape almost impossible to perform, but if Jasper enters one of the conjoining classrooms he might make it without dying. In fact, he's about to take off sprinting when Miller seems to relax.
"Fine." His tone is still clipped, but he's leaning toward Monty, and that's what Jasper is here for.
The Gryffindor is still preparing to run for dear life when Miller's lips make contact with the toad's forehead. And then everything goes haywire.
There's a poof! of magic as Monty transforms, just as quickly as the last time, and the toad in Jasper's hand is immediately really heavy. Bryan's eyes go wide in shock as Miller and Jasper are engulfed in a hazy cloud. When the dust clears, there is something very wrong with the picture: Monty is standing directly in front of Miller, whose lips are pressed to his forehead, and Jasper's hand is positioned on the small of Monty's back. The hand is quickly removed, Miller springs away, and Monty crumples to the ground.
"Merlin's bloody pants holy freaking shitballs!" Jasper exclaims, sounding absolutely, utterly astounded.
"What the fuck," Miller almost screeches, scrambling toward his boyfriend.
"Harry Potter almighty," Bryan yells, tracing the symbol of a lightning bolt in front of his forehead.
"Ow," Monty groans on the floor.
By the time Abby Griffin makes it out of the classroom to investigate the cause of all this commotion, Bryan and Miller have sprinted in the opposite direction, Monty Green is lying on the ground with a dazed expression, and Jasper Jordan is running in circles around the corridor, shouting in glee about True Love and toads and Slytherins. (She doesn't even want to know.)