So I decided on writing a Game of Thrones self insert fanfic, mostly because the idea for a self-insert has been bouncing around in my skull forever.
Also I had my girlfriend write things from her point of view, after all the person who knows you best is you, and make any changes she felt necessary to any female characters who appear in this chapter.
So anyway DISCLAIMER: I sadly do not own Game of Thrones, if I did Joffrey would have died season 1 and Ramsay Bolton would have been hung by his feet from the tallest tower in King's Landing. I ALSO DO NOT OWN DISHONORED or the Outsider, if I did he'd look like the Mad Hatter.
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Inwardly I smiled as I watched Joffrey choke to death on poison, my girlfriend cheered, yes girlfriend you idiots I have a loving girlfriend, you see my girlfriend isn't as skinny as a toothpick, thank god cause it gave me something to hold while we snuggled, you see me and my girlfriend were at my house watching everyone's favorite scene, aka where that arrogant prick Joffrey dies.
"Now if only they would kill Ramsey off," I said, imagining that bastard tied to one of his racks and undergoing every torture he inflicted. My girlfriend smiled and cuddled up to me, though a simultaneous frown covered our faces when Cersei Lannister accused her brother, Tyrion, of poisoning her son, normally I consider myself a peaceful man but in that moment I would have run her through myself.
Smiling at all my different sociopathic fantasies involving the various people on Game of Thrones I hated, I yawned, followed closely by my girlfriend, we turned off the DVD player and decided to just cuddle on the couch, unaware that our lives were about to change forever.
You ever have a dream, a dream you thought for sure was real, you could see, taste, touch smell. You could feel the shock as your feet hit the ground, the weight of whatever you're carrying in your hands, the taste of iron in the air as you walk across a field of corpses that were being bled dry, or have you ever looked at a page and could make out each word clearly? Sometimes that's what my dreams are like. This time it was different, this time I saw my girlfriend, her feet soaked red from the blood on the ground, her eyes darting this way and that in uncertainty, her black sweatpants made all the darker from a deep puddle of the life giving liquid, her curly brown hair plastered to her head.
"Hatter," she called out to me, and carefully walked over to me, "where are we?"
"Not sure kitten," I said, "How are you here?"
"Me here," she asked, "how are you here?"
"I don't know," I said, throwing my hands up in exasperation and noticed that they looked normal. Normally in dreams if you look at your hand it looks off, like it's blurry, has an extra finger, or is else while non-existent.
"Maybe we're sharing a dream," I said, picking the only semi-logical conclusion. Looking around I noticed that each of the bodies had different emblems emblazoned on them, some had a wolf's head, others had a deer on them reared back, some even had a three headed dragon on them.
"Winter is coming," I said, stepping over a a soldier with a wolf's head emblazoned on his armor.
"Ours is the fury," my girlfriend said, stepping over a soldier with the deer emblazoned on his armor.
"Fire and blood," we said simultaneously, reciting the sayings of each of the great houses we thought these soldiers belonged to.
"Glad to see you know the house mottos," said a smooth voice, turning I swear I saw the Outsider, a godlike being from the videogame Dishonored, with his black hair swept to the side, the lapels of his coat turned outwards, and his black eyes alight with amusement.
"Oh great," I groaned, slapping a hand to my forehead, "what are we being dragged into?"
"Only to participate in the greatest drama ever told," he answered, very thinly veiled amusement in his voice. Groaning I rubbed my forehead, somehow knowing exactly what he meant.
"What drama," my girlfriend asked, not quite catching up yet.
"Remember what Cersei Lannister told Ned Stark," The Outsider asked,
"Crap," I said, noticing my girlfriend's eyes widen in shock.
"When you play the game of thrones you either win or you die," my girlfriend answered.
"And just how do you plan on making us participate in the game," I asked, secretly hoping I would wake up soon.
"I'll send you there," The Outsider smirked.
"And what about our bodies," Kitten asked, fear etched into her face.
"Oh they're going with you," The Outsider answered after a chuckle, " can't have you as just souls now can I?"
"But why us," I asked, not understanding any of this. According to what I knew of the Outsider he only communicated with people who he found amusing, and when last I looked we had done nothing that would draw his gaze, and that's if he existed in our realm, considering this could be the manifestation of some mad god or something.
"That's my little secret," the Outsider answered.
Turning I looked at Kitten with a smirk and nodded my head toward the Outsider.
"How do you plan to get us there," She asked quizzically.
"You crossing dimensions is one thing," I stated, "but pulling two people into another reality is something else entirely."
With that I saw the Outsider's face darken and ,he did the most mundane thing, he snapped his fingers. Almost as if a signal had sounded a small group of the dead, no more than twenty, began to get up. They than began shuffling towards us.
"Point taken," I shouted, tripping over a corpse as I backed away from the zombies in fear, "point taken."
"Glad to see I made my point," The Outsider stated, smirking. "don't worry about your eyesight that'll be fixed on your way over."
With a wave of his hand me and my girlfriend doubled over and hit our knees in pain and it wasn't long before I was curled up into a ball, with her curled next to me screaming in agony.
"This next part will hurt," The Outsider said with a grin, "what comes next even more so."
Those were the last words I heard before my world descended into a pain filled darkness.
Groaning, I began to open my eyes only to immediately close them from the very intense pain. To be quite honest it felt like some had ground up glass and rubbed it in my eyes, and the rest of me wasn't doing much better. My head felt like someone had squeezed it tight in a vice, my arms felt like someone had stuck them in lava and then dumped salt on them for kicks, my legs felt like they were tangled in razor wire coated with battery acid, and oh dear god my torso felt like I had rats loose in it who were gnawing on everything they could wrap their teeth around.
It was only after what felt like an eternity that the pain began to subside, and then I noticed I had something sharp pressed against my throat. Slowly cracking a eye open I saw a long, shiny strip of silver surrounded by blacks and dull greys, then things took shape and my sight began to clear. Once my vision returned and I saw a sword pressed up against my throat, being held by a person in white armor. At first I wondered why I had a sword pressed to my throat or if I had sleepwalked into people LARP-ing, then the Outsider's image popped in my head and I began mentally using every cuss word I knew and even made a few.
"How did you get in here," asked a gruff, demanding voice. I tried to say something but my voice came out as a cross between a croak and groan, looking up I was able to distinguish a clean shaven face, with brown hair down to his shoulders, and brown eyes, the rest was covered by white armor.
"Bring them before the King," said a voice just out of view. Immediately the sword was removed from my throat, to be replaced with cold metal around my wrists. I looked left and right, looking for my girlfriend and saw her behind me and to the right. With that I felt a hard shove as we were lead to whoever was called King.
In the throne room of the Red Keep...
Aerys II Targaryen, cursing as one of the swords on the Irone Throne nicked him. Normally he wouldn't bother sit on it, mostly cause the swords would occasionally prick him, more than once drawing blood.
"Bring in the next prisoner," Aerys said, that's when he's king's guard pushed in two of the most strangely dressed people he had ever seen. The male had short brown hair and blue eyes, he was wearing a black shirt with a blue skeleton holding a sword with the blade pointed down, it's robes were tattered, revealing the rib bones underneath, and it's crown was tarnished and sat lopsided on its skull, and he wore black colored breeches that hugged his waist, flared around his legs, and hugged his ankles, the man was barefooted, and he couldn't help but notice from a distance the man was positively hairy, hair covered his toes, his feet, his arms, and he was sure that if he removed the man's clothes his stomach and chest would be covered in hair too. The other person was a woman, there was no way the person could be anything else, she was very chubby, her hair was curly and brown, her eyes were dark brown, and she was wearing a shirt with thin straps that revealed a bit of cleavage, and her pants clung to her waist and stopped at her ankles. Although he had to remark that both of them were surprisingly clean.
These people were dressed and looked strange, however he also noted that they were looking around in fear. He didn't know why he was wondering why they were scared, after all they were strangers in, to them, a strange land.
"Your highness," Barristan called out, bowing at his waist to his liege, "we found these two outside the gates, along with a ring of ash."
"Ser Barristan," Aerys looked to Barristan Selmy with a crinkled brow, "unchain them both at once."
Immediately the courtiers began murmuring, these strangely dressed people were just to be released? They knew nothing about them, what if they were spies from Braavos?
"But sire," Barristan said worriedly, "they could be assassins or spies?"
"If they were spies they would not be outside the castle gates and dressed so conspicuously," Aerys observed, "and if they were assassins they would not look so frightened."
Groaning the man he called Barristan, undid the shackles around the wrists of the two people.
"Make sure they are fed and clothed properly," Aerys ordered, and once they were escorted out he leaned back, only to wince as one of the swords nicked him.
'I have to do something about this.' Aerys thought to himself, thinking about how he could keep throne but make it were the swords wouldn't prick him anymore.
With me and my girlfriend...
We sat in the kitchens, a bowl of what I think was stew was sitting in front of us, all we could do was stare down at it.
'Dear god how do they stand these clothes,' I thought as I began scratching at my ribs through the wool of the brown tunic I was forced to wear and the green pants and these leather boots weren't helping much anyway. Looking up I saw my girlfriend wearing a blue dress, after from it sounded like much fussing and somebody getting hit over the head with a chair. Hearing a sigh I looked up as my girlfriend grabbed a spoon and dipped it into her stew. Sighing I took my spoon and dipped into the stew. I brought it to my nose and gave it a quick sniff, now this would seem odd to any normal person but to any person with a healthy dose of paranoia this is a essential part to staying alive. Not smelling any poison or anything that could kill me I downed the spoonful of stew and was rewarded with warmth spreading to my limbs.
With that the door creaked open and I saw young boy poke his head in the door and stare at us with wide indigo eyes and platinum blonde hair.
"Well kitten," I called out looking at my girlfriend, "we have our first visitor."
With that the boy shyly ducked back behind the door as my girlfriend turned to look at the door.
"Come on out," she said in a sweet, motherly voice, "don't be shy."
Slowly the boy shuffled out from behind the door, he was wearing a crimson long sleeve shirt with gold buttons, black pants that were tucked neatly into a pair of black, shiny leather shoes, and held tightly to his chest was a thick, black book.
"Hmm well judging by that book," I said making an obvious observation, "you are a child that likes stories."
"Y-y-yes," the boy said, looking at us nervously. Smiling I scooted down and patted the spot next to me on the bench.
"Then come, sit, and let us tell you a story," I said with a smile. The boy just kind of looked at us nervously. When a female hurried in, her hair much the same pale hair as the boys, her eyes were a dark shade of purple, her beautiful face looked like she spent more time frowning then smiling, she wore a black dress with scarlet sleeves and a scarlet diamond in the middle of it with eight smaller diamonds, the skirt was black with a bunch of red roses, a gold belt encircled her waist, and on her head sat a gold tiara with rubies set into it. Immediately I looked straight down at my bowl of stew like it was the most interesting thing on the planet.
Within the mind of 'Kitten'
Looking up from the boy's nervous face to the new visitor, I silently curse the dress that I was forced to wear. You know when you see one of those overly rich and beautiful women; that tidal wave of jealousy and envy that follows the sighting? Well I felt that when I made eye contact with the, oh so lovely, Queen that stood at the door. Not wanting the royal visitor to pick up on anything I just smiled and nodded my head in a greeting.
"Rheagar, I thought I told you not to bother the foreigners," the Queen placed her dainty hands on the boy's shoulders.
"But…. They said they'd tell me a story. I wish to know what they have to tell," Rheagar quietly shot back with his head bowed slightly.
"I understand my son, but you mustn't put yourself into danger just for stories."
" Ma'am with all due respect, we aren't dangerous. Just in case you haven't noticed we're kind of not armed or capable of hurting anyone." I spoke respectfully with a raised eyebrow.
"Unless you go stabbing people with your spoon again.." Hatter piped in, looking at me with a small smile. I turned to glare at him but he just matched my glared with his puppy eye. While Hatter and I eloped into a staring contest the Queen and her son made a hasty escape.
" You ass! You scared them away!" I hissed and rewarded Hatter with a whack on the shoulder.
"I'm not the one with the scary stabby- spoon-kung fu," he shoots back while rubbing his shoulder.
"Assbutt," I grumble as I turn back to the stew in front of me.
"Bitch," he chuckles and this starts a named calling war that lasted for the greater part of a hour until the guard stationed outside the door couldn't take it anymore and demanded us to stop.
With the Queen...
Queen Rhaella Targaryen was many things, beautiful, patient, and above all willing to stay in a loveless marriage with her brother for the sake of her children Rhaegar and Viserys. She ushered Rhaegar to the Septa as she pondered the two enigmas that were in the castle kitchens eating stew. The girl seemed to hate the fact she was made to wear a dress and the man, who kept his head bowed from the time she entered the room, would periodically scratch at his ribs, almost as if the tunic they provided irritated his skin. Perhaps it was the reverse where they came from, perhaps men wore dresses and women wore men clothes? Shaking her head at the sheer absurdness of the idea.
All she could remark with them was that they seemed to be intelligent, well about as much as everyone else in her brother's employ. There also something about them, something that just seemed to draw her in and it wasn't their absurd clothes or the fact that they seemed to know stories that either her or Rhaegar, who spent every waking hour in the castle library, hadn't heard.
Shaking the feeling off she began recalling all the details she had gathered from the brief encounter. The man seemed to be either submissive or didn't like new people, his forearms seemed to be strong, and he was probably a driven individual, although she didn't have anything to base this off of though. The woman seemed to have a attitude unbecoming a woman, at least in Westeros's opinion anyway, judging from what she heard through the door about the two of them calling each other various names that no lady, highborn or commoner, should know.
She decieded that she would need somebody to keep a eye on them, just in case they did anything to harm her sons. Then if they tried anything she would have them killed, she would not have the future leaders of the Seven Kingdoms harmed because of a couple of unknowns.
So how do you people like it?
Let me know by pushing that little button at the bottom of the page that says review.
Also -is dressed in plate armor with the sigil of House Targaryean emblazoned on the chestplate- FOR THE GLORY OF THE QUEEN ACROSS THE SEA!
That is all.