Battle of the Cliches
A/N: So, this is a little plot bunny that randomly came into my head today and I just had to write it out. I noticed that I don't really involve the Shredder that much in my stories lately, so I decided it would be funny to do a humorous story featuring him and my boy in blue, Leonardo. I hope you guys enjoy it.
Disclaimer: TMNT and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon. I only own the plot and nothing more.
Summary: Leonardo and Shredder try to outdo each other in their smack talk. Who will win The Battle of the Cliches? Read on and find out.
The two opponents stared each other down. This was a battle only one could win, and both opponents were determined it would be them. On one side was Hamato Leonardo, pupil to Master Splinter, dedicated ninja, and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. On the other side was Oroku Saki, also known as the Shredder. He was the Turtles' and Splinter's adversary and his whole life was dedicated to seeing Splinter and his disciples wiped out for good.
"Your reign of terror ends here, Shredder," Leo told his opponent, his blue eyes staring directly at his foe.
"Foolish Turtle!" Shredder spat. "It is you who will be vanquished tonight. You and your family have been thorns in my side for long enough. But tonight, it will end. Once I have killed you, I will go and kill your brothers and your Rat Master. And then I, Oroku Saki, will be the supreme ruler of everyone. Mwahahahaahahaha!"
Leo unsheathed a katana and pointed it dramatically at Shredder. "You are wrong, Shredder," he countered. "It is I who will be vanquishing you and stopping you from your nefarious reign of destruction. By the power of my sensei, I WILL destroy you!"
Shredder stared at the Turtle in bewilderment but then composed himself. "You are even more ignorant that I thought," he said. "You will never win against me. I will make you wallow in your own blood, urine, and vomit."
Leo opened his mouth to retort and then cringed at Shredder's words. "Dude, that's just gross!" he said. "Where'd you get that line from?"
"Brock Lesnar," Shredder answered. "He said he was going to do that to John Cena, so I got the event to see if he would, and he didn't. I was very disappointed in that. Such a cop out."
"Um, okay," Leo said. He had no idea Shredder was a fan of WWE, but this wasn't the time to ponder that. He had an enemy to destroy. "Well, you won't be doing that to me, Shredder. I'm going to take one of your gauntlets, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!"
"No, you will not do that to me," Shredder countered. "To be the man, you've got to beat the man. Woooo!" Then he began strutting around like he owned the place, which he technically did because it was his lair.
"You're not the man, Shredder," Leo replied. "I am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be."
"Foolish words coming from a cub," Shredder scoffed.
"At least I wasn't named for a cheese grater," Leo countered.
"Oh yeah? Well, did you know that your namesake was gay? And did you know that sources say his painting, the Mona Lisa, was actually Leonardo himself as a girl?"
"No, he used a woman to paint her," Leo said. "You've got your facts wrong. And did you know that your name is actually a girl's name? What's wrong, Shredder? Did your mommy want you to be a girl instead of a boy? Or maybe you actually were a girl and got a sex change because you couldn't handle being a girl."
Shredder growled at that comment. "How dare you? I am Oroku Saki. I am a man and I am much better than you are, freak! You have no business defiling my name. When I have finished with you, I will show you who the real man is. And once I am finished, you will be writing in pain and terror. You will be sorry you ever messed with Oroku Saki, Leonardo. You will bow before me and when the breath has left your lungs, you will know who is the true ninja. And then I will find your master and brothers and dispose of them. I'll even dispose of your pathetic friends, not that you have many. And then I will rule the world and all will bow to the almighty Shredder! Mwahahahaahahaha!" But before he could do anything else, he felt the point of a katana in his back as Leo struck. Blood pooled out of his stomach as he collapsed on the ground. "How did you do that?" he gasped.
"I snuck up behind you while you were doing your monologue," Leo answered. "The true lesson here is never turn your back on an enemy for you never know when the enemy will strike."
"Damn, I should have remembered that," Shredder said.
"So, who's the true ninja now, Saki?" Leo asked him.
"I guess it would have to be you, though I'll deny it in the afterlife. If my ancestors ask, I'll tell them I fell on a sword."
"You do that," Leo said. "So, I guess this is it, right?"
"I guess so," Shredder said. "I guess the best man won."
"Yes, and now you'll have to remember that you were bested by a freak," said Leo.
"I suppose I was," he replied. "I will admit you were a worthy foe, Leonardo."
"As were you, Saki," Leo said as he bowed to his enemy.
Saki said no more and died right there on the floor. Leo bowed to his enemy one more time before leaving Foot Headquarters. In this battle, Leonardo had won, and that was something he would remember for a long time.
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Leo opened his eyes and sighed as he took in his room. "Man, that was a good dream," he said. "Too bad it wasn't real." Then he got up and prepared to face another day. Even if the dream wasn't real yet, Leo was determined that Shredder would pay for what he'd done to his family. And once he'd been taken out, all would be well within the Hamato Clan.
The End
A/N: So that's the end of that story. It was just something that came into my head and I had to write it down. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Also, Leo's namesake, Leonardo da Vinci really was gay and there were some who thought the Mona Lisa was based on himself as a girl. And Shredder's name is a girl's name, too. Feel free to leave a review and have a shelltastic day.