This is a play that was written in Buddhist camp by my group, the Ev-o Squid Klan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Austin Powers. (Thank goddess)
[scene 1 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Dr. Ev-o is sitting in his desk with Frau standing nearby.]
Dr. Ev-o: Argh. I need a suitable weapon to take over the world…[pats Mr.
Bigglesworth]
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: Hm... Laserbeams?…already tried that…tractor beam?… I already did that
too…
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: OH! I'll meditate(1) to find the answer! It always helps to solve my inner
conflict. [meditates]
["meditating" sign](2)
["later" sign]
Dr. Ev-o: AH! I've got it! [lightbulb appears above Dr. Ev-o's head]
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: I'll make some gelatin! It will engulf the world! [stands up in typical crazy
dictator pose]
KWAHAHAHA!!! [settles back down]
["a few hours later" sign]
[scene 2 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Random Task, Frau, Dr. Ev-o, and two henchman are present]
Dr. Ev-o: All I need to do now is test out my new secret weapon, Destruction Jelly(3)!
Now where's my guinea pig? Henchman #1 go get him.
[Henchman #1 goes and drags in Disco Dancer(DD)]
DD: I'm Fred Fizzle. I drive a magic school bus in the day and disco dance at night!(4)
[strikes a pose]
Dr. Ev-o: Put him in the D.J. jar!
Frau: Put him in the jar!
Dr. Ev-o: #1, pull the switch!
[#1 and #2 drag DD into the jar and close the lid. #1 flips the switch.]
[DD dances increasingly slower until he fails to even twitch]
Dr. Ev-o: Ah! It worked perfectly! Hm…I need to get rid of pesky Austin Powers before
I take over the world. Random task![calls stage right]
Frau: Random task!
[Random Task(RT) enters stage right]
Dr. Ev-o: Random Task, go steal Austin Powers' mojo.
[RT exits]
[scene 3 opens to a park with Austin sitting on a bench]
[Frau enters, lets her hair down, and flips her name plate. Frau is now Chau.]
[Chau sits down next to Austin]
Austin: Ah… What a beautiful day! In the park with my newest foxiest girlfriend, Chau
Vu. [drapes his arm over her shoulder]
Chau: Oh, Austin…[leans on Austin]
[RT enters]
RT: I'm here to take your mojo, Austin Powers. [pulls out a huge straw and sends a black
ball flying towards Austin]
Austin: [gets hit by the black ball] Seriously, WHO spits boba?! [falls down]
RT: Boba! [strikes a victory pose]
[Chau faints.]
RT: Now I shall take your mojo. [walks over to Austin, takes out a giant needle, and
takes Austin's mojo]
[RT exits]
[Chau exits]
["A few hours later" sign]
[Chau enters]
Austin:[waking up] Oh no! my mojo's gone!
Chau: Oh that's alright…
Austin: How can I get it back?!?! [frantic]
Chau: Just go meditate on a way to get it back…
Austin: Oh right… meditation… [meditates]
["meditating" sign]
Austin: Alright! I got my mojo back! Let's go get Dr. Ev-o. He must be planning to take
over the world again!
[scene 4 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. RT, Frau, and Dr. Ev-o are present]
Dr. Ev-o:…and that's how I plan to take over the world…
Frau: Brilliant plan, Dr. Ev-o. We managed to successfully clone you but instead of just
one person we ended up with Siamese triplets...
Dr. Ev-o: That means that they're three eighths my size now.
[Clones come in. They are all attached to each other.]
Dr. Ev-o: I shall call this one Ken, this one Andrew, and this one Benjamin. [points to
each head as he names them off]
["Ken-Andrew-Benjamin" name plate]
Dr. Ev-o: Together I shall call my Mini-three(M3) , Kendrewjamin!
[Clones turn around and show off their new nameplate "Kendrewjamin"]
[Fat B(FB) enters]
FB: Who ate my Subway™ Sandwich?
M3: We did, Fatty!
FB: Get in my belly! [glares at M3 and charges]
[M3 surround and beat FB up]
FB: NO!!! Not there!! OW!!
[#1 drags the battered body of FB offstage]
[Austin and Chau enter]
Austin: I'm here to stop you, Dr. Ev-o!
[RT steps up and spits boba at Austin]
[Austin is hit and he falls down]
RT: Boba! [does a victory sign]
Dr. Ev-o: Put him in the tank with the freaking squids with freaking laser beams!
[scene 5 opens to Austin in a big tank full of water.]
Austin: Where…?
[two squids labeled as the "freaking squids with freaking laser beams" enter the tank]
[Squids are waving their tentacles and firing their laser beams at Austin]
Austin: AHH!!! [runs to the opposite side of the tank]
[Squids advance]
Austin: Ah! I know! I've got my handy dandy fish with me! [pulls out a fish from his
pocket]
[Fish swims to the opposite side of the tank]
[The squids go after the fish]
[scene 6 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Dr. Evo, M3, and RT are present.]
[Austin enters with Chau]
Austin: I challenge you, Dr. Ev-o!
Dr. Ev-o: There's only one way to settle this. A game of Billy Bob Bob Bob!
[They stand M3 on the left, Dr. Evo in the middle and RT on the right]
[Austin in the middle, Chau on his left]
Austin: Wait! We need one more person on our side!
["Staying alive" begins to play]
[DD enters]
DD: [singing along] I'm just staying alive, staying alive! [stands on Austin's right]
Dr. Ev-o: Screaming Viking!
[Austins screams, Chau and DD paddle]
Austin: Billy Bob Bob…
Dr. Ev-o: Bob!
Austin: …bob… Aw shoot.
Dr. Ev-o: Kamikaze!
[Austin forms the eyeglasses with his hands and makes a crashing airplane noise. Chau
and DD form the wings]
[The game goes on and on…]
Austin: Jiggling Jellybean!
[Dr. Ev-o starts rolling on the floor, RT makes an airplane wing, and M3 does a Hawaiian
dance]
Austin: HA! That isn't Jiggling Jellybean! You lose, Dr. Ev-o!
[Dr. Ev-o wails in despair]
[Curtain closes]
THE END
~~~~Notes~~~~
(1) Our group's theme was Meditation. We had to stick it in SOMEWHERE.
(2) This means that a random stagecrew member went onstage and held up the
sign.
(3) The weapon's name was modified, since the original name was a bit vulgar.
(4) For those of you wondering why that random line showed up, DD's line was
copied from some other group's skit.
Disclaimer: I do not own Austin Powers. (Thank goddess)
[scene 1 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Dr. Ev-o is sitting in his desk with Frau standing nearby.]
Dr. Ev-o: Argh. I need a suitable weapon to take over the world…[pats Mr.
Bigglesworth]
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: Hm... Laserbeams?…already tried that…tractor beam?… I already did that
too…
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: OH! I'll meditate(1) to find the answer! It always helps to solve my inner
conflict. [meditates]
["meditating" sign](2)
["later" sign]
Dr. Ev-o: AH! I've got it! [lightbulb appears above Dr. Ev-o's head]
Mr. Bigglesworth: PURR
Dr. Ev-o: I'll make some gelatin! It will engulf the world! [stands up in typical crazy
dictator pose]
KWAHAHAHA!!! [settles back down]
["a few hours later" sign]
[scene 2 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Random Task, Frau, Dr. Ev-o, and two henchman are present]
Dr. Ev-o: All I need to do now is test out my new secret weapon, Destruction Jelly(3)!
Now where's my guinea pig? Henchman #1 go get him.
[Henchman #1 goes and drags in Disco Dancer(DD)]
DD: I'm Fred Fizzle. I drive a magic school bus in the day and disco dance at night!(4)
[strikes a pose]
Dr. Ev-o: Put him in the D.J. jar!
Frau: Put him in the jar!
Dr. Ev-o: #1, pull the switch!
[#1 and #2 drag DD into the jar and close the lid. #1 flips the switch.]
[DD dances increasingly slower until he fails to even twitch]
Dr. Ev-o: Ah! It worked perfectly! Hm…I need to get rid of pesky Austin Powers before
I take over the world. Random task![calls stage right]
Frau: Random task!
[Random Task(RT) enters stage right]
Dr. Ev-o: Random Task, go steal Austin Powers' mojo.
[RT exits]
[scene 3 opens to a park with Austin sitting on a bench]
[Frau enters, lets her hair down, and flips her name plate. Frau is now Chau.]
[Chau sits down next to Austin]
Austin: Ah… What a beautiful day! In the park with my newest foxiest girlfriend, Chau
Vu. [drapes his arm over her shoulder]
Chau: Oh, Austin…[leans on Austin]
[RT enters]
RT: I'm here to take your mojo, Austin Powers. [pulls out a huge straw and sends a black
ball flying towards Austin]
Austin: [gets hit by the black ball] Seriously, WHO spits boba?! [falls down]
RT: Boba! [strikes a victory pose]
[Chau faints.]
RT: Now I shall take your mojo. [walks over to Austin, takes out a giant needle, and
takes Austin's mojo]
[RT exits]
[Chau exits]
["A few hours later" sign]
[Chau enters]
Austin:[waking up] Oh no! my mojo's gone!
Chau: Oh that's alright…
Austin: How can I get it back?!?! [frantic]
Chau: Just go meditate on a way to get it back…
Austin: Oh right… meditation… [meditates]
["meditating" sign]
Austin: Alright! I got my mojo back! Let's go get Dr. Ev-o. He must be planning to take
over the world again!
[scene 4 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. RT, Frau, and Dr. Ev-o are present]
Dr. Ev-o:…and that's how I plan to take over the world…
Frau: Brilliant plan, Dr. Ev-o. We managed to successfully clone you but instead of just
one person we ended up with Siamese triplets...
Dr. Ev-o: That means that they're three eighths my size now.
[Clones come in. They are all attached to each other.]
Dr. Ev-o: I shall call this one Ken, this one Andrew, and this one Benjamin. [points to
each head as he names them off]
["Ken-Andrew-Benjamin" name plate]
Dr. Ev-o: Together I shall call my Mini-three(M3) , Kendrewjamin!
[Clones turn around and show off their new nameplate "Kendrewjamin"]
[Fat B(FB) enters]
FB: Who ate my Subway™ Sandwich?
M3: We did, Fatty!
FB: Get in my belly! [glares at M3 and charges]
[M3 surround and beat FB up]
FB: NO!!! Not there!! OW!!
[#1 drags the battered body of FB offstage]
[Austin and Chau enter]
Austin: I'm here to stop you, Dr. Ev-o!
[RT steps up and spits boba at Austin]
[Austin is hit and he falls down]
RT: Boba! [does a victory sign]
Dr. Ev-o: Put him in the tank with the freaking squids with freaking laser beams!
[scene 5 opens to Austin in a big tank full of water.]
Austin: Where…?
[two squids labeled as the "freaking squids with freaking laser beams" enter the tank]
[Squids are waving their tentacles and firing their laser beams at Austin]
Austin: AHH!!! [runs to the opposite side of the tank]
[Squids advance]
Austin: Ah! I know! I've got my handy dandy fish with me! [pulls out a fish from his
pocket]
[Fish swims to the opposite side of the tank]
[The squids go after the fish]
[scene 6 opens to Dr. Ev-o's office. Dr. Evo, M3, and RT are present.]
[Austin enters with Chau]
Austin: I challenge you, Dr. Ev-o!
Dr. Ev-o: There's only one way to settle this. A game of Billy Bob Bob Bob!
[They stand M3 on the left, Dr. Evo in the middle and RT on the right]
[Austin in the middle, Chau on his left]
Austin: Wait! We need one more person on our side!
["Staying alive" begins to play]
[DD enters]
DD: [singing along] I'm just staying alive, staying alive! [stands on Austin's right]
Dr. Ev-o: Screaming Viking!
[Austins screams, Chau and DD paddle]
Austin: Billy Bob Bob…
Dr. Ev-o: Bob!
Austin: …bob… Aw shoot.
Dr. Ev-o: Kamikaze!
[Austin forms the eyeglasses with his hands and makes a crashing airplane noise. Chau
and DD form the wings]
[The game goes on and on…]
Austin: Jiggling Jellybean!
[Dr. Ev-o starts rolling on the floor, RT makes an airplane wing, and M3 does a Hawaiian
dance]
Austin: HA! That isn't Jiggling Jellybean! You lose, Dr. Ev-o!
[Dr. Ev-o wails in despair]
[Curtain closes]
THE END
~~~~Notes~~~~
(1) Our group's theme was Meditation. We had to stick it in SOMEWHERE.
(2) This means that a random stagecrew member went onstage and held up the
sign.
(3) The weapon's name was modified, since the original name was a bit vulgar.
(4) For those of you wondering why that random line showed up, DD's line was
copied from some other group's skit.