"Don't eat, no matter how tired,
I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking why we can't make it work,
Compromise, 'cause I deserve it,
In my bed, tossing and turning,
In my head, fire still burning,
Like the first, day we met,
The way we were, just can't forget it"
It had been almost two months since I had met him. Almost two months since we met in that bar and talked. Two months since we first kissed. And although my attempts failed in the first two weeks of trying to convince him that what we felt was right, that we could still be together. It still didn't stop me from feeling for him, from thinking about him, wanting him even though I knew it was wrong. But as he made it abundantly clear in the first two weeks that what we had was a mistake and nothing more could come of it, I had no choice but to accept it. I couldn't force the situation, especially considering our situation could be the reason he would go to jail. I just couldn't risk it. Still I would sit there in silence during his class trying to ignore my feelings, every so often looking up at him from my desk, only to find him looking back at me until our eyes meet and he quickly looks away.
The bell finally rings, indicating that class was over. As people start to hurry out the door I begin packing my things away, accidentally knocking over my bag in the process. I sigh frustrated and not just with my scattered things as I crouch down trying to gather everything as quickly as possible. I look up hoping the room isn't emptied out yet, hoping I'm not the last one left. I steal a glance to look at Ezra to find him looking back at me. He begins to move around his desk as if to come and help me but stops when he notices Spencer walking toward my desk. He looks at me helplessly for a moment longer before he retreats to the other side of his desk, shuffling through papers looking somewhat conflicted. Secretly grateful Spencer's waiting for me I rush to throw the last few items in my bag and exit the room, me moving much quicker than usual. Once outside I sigh partially relieved from the awkwardness but also partially fed up with the situation, which really is no situation if you look at it that way.
"Hey Spence, do you still have that Prada clutch you brought to Melissa's graduation?" Hanna asks as Spencer and I approach her and Emily by the lockers.
"Yeah I'm sure I still have it, why?"
"I need to borrow it, it totally completes my outfit." Hanna's face lights up in clear excitement for the winter formal dance tonight. She of course is going with Sean, Spencer with Alex and since Mya was visiting family for the weekend, Emily and I decided to go stag. Though this didn't really sit well with Hanna who was obsessed with getting me to go with Noel Kahn.
"Aria I seriously don't get why you won't just go with Noel. He's really into you and seriously cute, not to mention you've had a crush on him all through middle school." She looks at me questioningly.
"I'm just not into him". I respond for the millionth time.
"How could you not be into Noel Kahn? It's Noel Kahn we're talking about. Biggest crush since middle school, every girl wants to date him. What's the problem?" I sigh frustrated as she persistently goes on. "Look no ones saying you have to be into him. Just go with him and see what happens." Her pushy gaze shifts from me to something moving past me. I turn just in time to see Ezra having past me, his back now facing me as he walks down the hall.
"Hey Mr Fitz!" Hanna calls. "You coming to the dance tonight?"
He turns and awkwardly smiles back at our group. "Uh, yeah I'll be there." He says as he stiffly nods and smiles trying to appear enthusiastic, not long before it fades and he turns to walk away.
"We'll see you there!" Hanna calls, too busy thinking he's hot to notice how awkward that was.
Since Emily and I are going stag, we decide to turn up to the dance together. I walk into the dance wearing a fitted white strapless dress that fans out near the waist, a pair of black lacey gloves, black strappy heels and a chunky black necklace to match the theme of my outfit. All tied together with my hair curly and done up off my shoulders with a few strands pulled out. Emily stands beside me wearing a fitted dark purple dress that hugs her slender figure, golden strappy shoes, a wrist full of a few golden bangles and her hair in loose waves. The casual yet effortlessly flawless look Emily always pulls off so well.
We scan the crowd until we spot Hanna and Spencer standing on the dance floor off to the side. We make our way over, Hanna's eyes lighting up when she sees us making our way towards her. "You guys look amazing! Em, Mya doesn't know what she's missing!" Emily smiles shyly, responding with a soft thank you. Hanna then turns to me and says, "Fortunately for you Noel does know what he's missing." I roll my eyes and just before Hanna has a chance to say anything else Spencer quickly cuts in, "Have you guys met Alex yet?" Quickly changing the subject as Alex himself approaches us with two drinks in hand. He hands one to Spencer as she continues to introduce Emily and I, indulging in some light conversation.
A few hours later the dance is in full swing. I had danced, drank and ate to my hearts content with my peers. The night was turning out to be better than I had expected, with the exception of the yearning I felt in my heart when I saw Ezra looking unbelievably handsome and Hanna's constant Noel remarks. However it seemed my luck was beginning to change as all of Hanna's hard work of trying to get me and Noel together was paying off when Noel finally asked me to dance. Not really wanting to dance with him I got guilted into saying yes, feeling bad for all the effort he had been making tonight. We danced for a while and then the awkward moment came when a slow song started to play. Noel held out his hand for me to take and gently wrapped his other arm around my waist as we moved slowly to the music.
"I'm really glad you came tonight. When Hanna told me you weren't coming I thought I'd missed my chance for sure. But then she told me she managed to convince you otherwise?" He looks at me with questioning eyes and that charming Noel Kahn smile everybody loves.
"Yeah, well you know Hanna. She can be persistent." Sarcasm apparent in my voice, realising when I see the slightly shocked look on his face he actually wanted me to say something to convince him I came here tonight for him. I smile and laugh nervously, my unsuccessful attempt of trying to pass it off as a joke.
We continue to dance and the more we sway to the music the more I begin to realise how wrong this feels. Noel's arms around me, his body so close to mine, his eyes looking into mine. None of it feel right, it all feels sort of offbeat. Somewhat miss matched and awkward like we don't fit together. He continues to look at me as we move to the music, and I continue to look anywhere else but in his eyes. Every so often giving him a quick smile as I look away, only to notice Hanna smiling enthusiastically at me while dancing with Sean.
Once the song ends I make up a quick excuse about going to the bathroom and head for the doors leading into the hallway. Feeling as though I just needed to get out of there I continue to walk until I find an empty classroom. I sit there for a while collecting my thoughts. What's wrong with me? Noel is a great guy and I'd be crazy not to like him but something just didn't feel right while we were dancing and I know that something is Ezra. The whole time Noel had his arms around me I was trying not to think about the first time I met Ezra and how we ended up hooking up in the bathroom of that bar, with his arms wrapped around me and his lips pressed against mine. I sit there reminiscing, almost as if I can feel that moment. The touch of his hands, his lips, his smell. All embedded into my memory.
"Your not really supposed to be in here." I look up, thoughts interrupted as I turn to follow where the voice came from. But even I know without looking who the voice belongs to.
"I, umm." I pause looking down before looking back at him. "Sorry I just needed to get some air." I respond looking away.
"In a class room?" He asks with a hint of humor in his voice.
"Yeah. I guess." My voice sounding light, with the detection of a smile behind it. This has been the first time we have spoken in months. All those times I had wondered whether we'd ever speak again, just me and him. And now that the moments presented itself I'm at a loss for words, I have no idea what to even say.
"You seem to be having a good time." He makes his way into the classroom, placing himself on one of the desks, two rows down from the teacher's desk where I remain perched.
"Yeah. I just needed to get away for a bit." I say still looking down at the floor.
"Away from Noel?" He asks in a stern tone. I look up at him as I respond bluntly, "amongst other things."
He shuns away from my response for a moment before he looks at me again, this time seeming slightly annoyed. "You two seem to be hitting it off." His sentence saying more than just words.
"Yeah well, he's a great guy." We continue to stare at each other in silence, neither one of us daring to back down, until he finally breaks our gaze.
"Are you going to start seeing him?" He turns his head looking to the side of the room trying to appear as if he doesn't really care.
"Would it bother you if I did?" I respond defensively, knowing by his actions that it would. He turns to me in surprise before looking down, taking a moment to compose himself as he looks back up at me and says, "No it's none of my business. Just curious." He shrugs as he looks away, maintaining his cool exterior. This only begins to anger me. "Why" I say, bluntly and impatiently.
"What do you mean?" He turns looking confused.
"Why now? You haven't spoken to me in what, almost two months. You've ignored me in every opportunity you get and now all of a sudden two months later you're curious about my love life. Curious to know if I like Noel Kahn. Or if I'm seeing him?" My words come rushing out in anger. A part of me can tell he's a little jealous but the other part doesn't understand why when he's made it so clear he wants nothing to with me. He stares at me speechless, so I decide to carry on. "Why now? After all this time you care?" I know my words sounded harsher than they needed to be, built up over two months of anger and desperation but by the look on his face they hit home.
"I never stopped caring." His words spoken softer than mine, catching me off guard. "I never meant to ignore you." He looks down away from me, taking a moment to choose his words carefully before he looks back up at me. His eyes now seeming hard, cold as ice. "I'm sorry. It was an inappropriate question to ask. I'm your teacher. Nothing more." I look at him, eyes wide in shock. I knew what his words meant but I also knew it was a lie more meant for him than me. I couldn't take it, not again. Not after the last time we had this conversation, resulting in me failing to convince him otherwise miserably. I couldn't do it again, the false hope. Just like that I suddenly get up and bolt out the room. I have to get out of here. Out of this room, out of this school. He calls after me but I'm too quick even in my heels, as I make my way back into the dance trying to find Emily so we can leave.