There Are Two Tragedies in Life.
Summary: "I guess what I'm trying to say is—are you okay with this?" "Why wouldn't I be?" he asks. The question is meant to be rhetorical, they both already know the answer.
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman
The day Edward proposed to Bella, Jacob was stuck in traffic on his way to the restaurant.
After all, it was Bella's 21 birthday and what kind of friend would he be if he wasn't there to celebrate?
They announce their pending engagement to him as soon as he arrives to the restaurant.
(Actually, he overhears them talking about how happy they were.)
"This is the happiest day of my life. Now that you've said that you'll marry me Mrs. Cullen,"
Jacob didn't know how he was supposed to feel.
Should he be excited?
Should he offer congratulations?
….
He looked up from his English paper to see her. Long brown hair that he wanted to run his fingers through, tempting soft pink lips that he wanted to kiss, and beautiful brown eyes that were lighting up like stars as she looked over at-
He looked away not wanting to see anymore. Any longer and he was sure to spot her boyfriend join her.
Sure to see her laugh.
To see her smile.
To see them kiss.
He couldn't stand it.
Seeing them.
Happy.
It just reminded him how he'd never have her.
.….
In the end, he leaves the restaurant and pretends to be stuck at work when she calls.
"Edward asked me to marry him last night," she blurts.
"Congratulations," he says, when she tells him the news.
"That's all you have to say?" she asks and he knows she's pouting from her tone of voice.
"What do you want to hear?" he questions calmly.
She's quiet for a long moment.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is—are you okay with this?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" he asks.
The question is meant to be rhetorical, they both already know the answer.
…..
She'd been like a zombie for months. It was hard to compare this shell of a girl to the vibrant vision of beauty she'd been not so long ago.
He did his best to help her.
Sometimes he made her smile.
Sometimes he made her laugh.
But in the end, no matter how hard he tried to hold her together, she always shattered to pieces, cutting his hands in the process.
"Please, just let me in. I want you to cry and scream and yell if you need to. You don't have to hold yourself together anymore." He kept his gaze on hers as he pulled her arm away from her chest. "Let me help you, Bella. No matter what Edward did or what he said I know he loved you. He wouldn't want you to live like this."
He stayed quiet as he watched as tears slowly made their way down her cheeks. Tears have formed in his eyes too and placed her hand over his heart.
"I'm here for you," he said and Bella sobbed.
"He's gone Jake. He left me," she choked out, tears rushing down her cheeks faster than before.
He took her face in his hands.
"I know," he whispered, before pulling her into his arms.
She sobbed as he repeated that everything would be okay.
He'd be here for her as long as she needed him.
…..
"You've never really supported my relationship with Edward and I know that you two don't exactly get along. I just want to make sure things won't be weird between us. It's a huge change for all of us, not only me." She babbles.
"Don't worry, Bells. Things between us won't change." He says.
"You promise?" she asks and Jacob closes him eyes.
"Bella, I never make a promise that I don't intend to keep," he states and hangs up.
…..
"You didn't have to come with me," Bella said, as he sat next to her in her and Edward's meadow.
"As if I would let you go wondering around the woods by yourself," Jacob said, trying to ignore how wrong it felt to be sitting in the same place as the guy who left her.
"Your always there for me, Jake," Bella mumbled.
"And I always will be,"
…
He takes Leah with him to pick out a suit.
"I think the blue one is good. What do you think?" he asks, browsing the racks for one in his price range that doesn't look to bad.
"I think you're an idiot," Leah growls and Jacob shoots her a look over his shoulder.
"You always think I'm an idiot." He points out.
"Well, now you're an even bigger idiot. Why are you going to this thing?" she questions.
"I was invited," he answers.
"Just because you were invited doesn't mean you have to attend," She responds.
"Why wouldn't I go to the wedding?" he asks, wondering if maybe he should go with the grey suit instead. "I think this one will go better with the décor or maybe the white one. It's more officer in the gentlemen but-"
"Because you're in love with the bride," Leah announces and Jacob hand stutters in midair, halfway to the white suit.
….
"Don't you ever worry about the future? I mean one day we will all be old and ugly. I hate it. I mean, what's the point in living when one day I'm just going to die alone and my life won't mean anything." she blurted, fiddling with her hands.
Jacob didn't say anything for a moment as he considered her confession.
"Hold still." Jacob said.
She turned at the sound of Jacob's voice and he leaned towards her, wanting nothing more than to kiss her.
"W - What are you doing?" Bella stuttered.
Jacob's hand moved closer to her face.
"You have a feather in your hair," he slowly removed the white feather as he spoke.
His finger brushed against her ear as he pulled his hand back and his skin tingled at the touch.
"And, despite the fact that I will one day grow old, ugly and die. I'd say that life's not too bad, right? Why waste time worrying about something that won't happen for another fifty years. I think you should just try to live every day to the fullest. So, when your time does come, you won't have any regrets." Jacob looked out towards the ocean smiling wistfully.
It really was beautiful.
"And you won't be alone when you die." Jacob added. "You'll always have me"
A comfortable silence once again washed over them.
"Jacob, hold still." she said.
"Why? Do I have something in my hair too?" Jacob asked, as he turned his head to look at Bella and she pressed her lips against his.
Their lips brushed before Bella pulled away and turned back to stare at the ocean.
"What was that for?" Jacob asked, after a moment.
Bella smiled and shrugged.
"No regrets, right?" She said, standing up and holding out her hand.
Jacob smiled back and grabbed her hand.
"Right!"
…..
"And your point is?" he asks, and checks the tag to the white suit.
Leah glares at him.
"You really don't see the problem with this picture?" she asks.
Jacob shrugged.
"I think that I should go with the grey one. I mean-"
"Forget the damn suit!" Leah snaps and Jacob flinches. "You've been in love with Charlie's daughter almost all your life. You're really just going to sit there, smile, and watch her marry another guy?"
His back stiffens and he slowly drops his hand back to his side.
"What other choice do I have?" he questions and Leah opens her mouth to say something but he doesn't let her. "I think we should check out another store. I don't really see anything I want here,"
Leah rolls her eyes and grabs the suit at the end of the rack.
"Get the black one. It's the one most appropriate for this tragedy and you can never go wrong with a classic,"
…
"You're my best friend, Jacob. I don't know what I'd do without you." she said, as he helped her get rid of the garbage bag at the back of her closet.
He stared at Bella's profile, watching her worry her lip between her teeth as she shifted from foot to foot nervously.
"I love you," Jacob said, only realizing he'd spoken aloud when Bella's shocked brown gaze snapped to his face.
Long moments passed as they stared at one another, Bella's mouth hanging open, Jacob wishing he could press rewind and shove the words back down his throat.
They'd been friends for a long time, and they had kissed a few times, but they'd never once exchanged that phrase. Jacob knew he should have played it cool, pretended he meant them in a friendship sort of way, but he couldn't bring himself to deny the words for what they were.
No regrets, right.
Abruptly, Bella looked away.
"I think you should go." Her voice soft, and panicked and Jacob felt as if she'd slapped him.
He flinched back, from the pain in his chest, harsh and piercing.
Of all the ways he'd envisioned Bella reacting if he ever dug up enough courage to say those words, he'd never imagined being told to leave. Maybe his dreams of Bella would let him sweep her up and kiss her.
At the very least he'd expected a gently put, "I love too…but just as friends."
At most, he'd wanted...well, everything. A declaration of love, a kiss, a promise for the future...something.
Instead what he got was silence and Bella studiously avoiding his eyes.
"Bells?"
"Please. Just…just go."
Jacob stood and turned away before he let himself say anything else, before he could break off another piece of his own heart and stomp it to the ground.
He'd known— he'd known— thoughts of love and romance had no real place in his relationship with her.
She needed him to fix her.
She wanted him to make her whole.
She didn't need his love.
She didn't want his love.
Jacob's eyes burned as he quickly descended the steps. He walked past Charlie without saying anything and sped down the drive way to get his motorcycle off of Bella's truck, as he fled from the girl who he'd loved since he was five.
…
"Are you happy, Bells?" He asks as he watches her try on her wedding dress.
It's sophisticated and extravagant and…just doesn't suit her.
She seems surprised by the question and another emotion flashes across her face but it's gone before he has a chance to identify it.
"Am I happy? I... Yeah, I guess. Of course, I mean, Edward's great. He's smart and serious. He's handsome and he loves me. He wants a future with me and I'm not getting any younger. So why wouldn't I be happy?" she questions, and laughs nervously.
Jacob watches her fidget for a moment under the intense of his gaze before he nods and looks away.
…
"Can't we watch it one more time?" Bella pouted.
Jacob shook his head.
"I don't know why you like Pride and prejudice so much but it's my turn to pick the movie." he said grabbing the remote.
Bella leaned over and kissed him.
"Please?" She asked, kissing his neck.
"Stop trying to distract me! You're so manipulative!" Jacob said, pulling away from her lips.
That seemed to have struck a chord with Bella.
Bella turned her head unable to look at Jacob at that moment and slid away from him to the other side of the couch, hiding her face with her hair.
"Manipulative?" She whispered, lost in a memory.
At that moment Jacob found two choices presenting themselves to him. Either he could do what he always did when the other one came up and scoot close to Bella and pull her into a comforting embrace or continue to pursue the subject.
The right choice was obvious.
He should let it drop. Bella was still wounded. It was wrong of him to expect her to be over what happened.
But...
"You're still thinking about him, even though you're with me." He blurted.
He winced, he hadn't meant to say that. He knew he had only added salt to her wound.
Bella buried her face in the side of the couch.
"Jake please," she said, but it was muffled.
Something inside of Jacob, was telling him to stop, to let his broken girl be, but his head was the last thing controlling his actions.
"Are you still in love with him? Even though he abandoned you?" Jacob growled, surprised by how hurt and angry he was.
It hurt him that, even though he was the one who was here, Bella still thought of bastard that left her behind.
What exactly had their relationship been like? Bella was always avoiding answering anything concerning Cullen.
"Am I just a distraction for you?" He asked, finally letting his real fear leak in his voice.
Bella raised her head and looked at him with tear filled brown eyes.
"Do you think that I would do that to you?" She asked quietly.
The silence that followed told them both more than they wanted to know.
Jacob met her gaze with dark, pain filled ones.
"Isn't that what made you want to hang out with me in the first place?" Jacob said and Bella shook her head.
"No, Jake. You're my best friend. I-I can't forget about him," Bella admitted, catching Jacob off guard for a moment. "That would be like asking you to remember someone you never met. He was a big part of my life, but that doesn't mean that I still love him."
"Bells," Jacob shuffled towards her.
Jacob and Bella never really argued so he had rarely had apologize for anything, before but the way he held Bella and stroked her hair spoke more than simple words.
Bella wrapped her arms around Jacob's neck, tilting her head up to meet with the boy's lips.
"I'm sorry." he said.
"I know," she whispered.
…..
"What are you doing here?" Leah asks, when she comes home and finds Jacob sitting on her porch.
"I don't know. I just started walking and my feet brought me here," he admits and Leah nods, sitting down next to him on the stairs.
"Did you think that some people are just destined to be together?" he asks and Leah gives him a look.
"You mean like soulmates?" she asks, though it sounds more like a statement, Jacob shakes his head.
"Never mind."
Leah doesn't push.
"Do you want to come inside?" she asks, and Jacob looks up at her.
"Did you love him? Sam, I mean."
Leah flinches.
"I don't know." She lies and Jacob doesn't call her out on it.
…
"Jacob?"
Bella's voice came through the phone and Jacob couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.
"Hey, Bells. What's up?" Jacob said, cheerfully.
"Can you promise me something?" She asks and Jacob was confused.
"Sure, honey."
It's been a few weeks since they started…doing whatever it was they were doing.
Jacob called it dating but Bella refused to put a label on what they were and Jacob didn't push. He was just happy to have her.
Being with Bella was great. She smiled at him and they held hands whenever they sat near each other. They did their homework together and watched television together and kissed until they were out of breath.
"Can you promise me something?" she repeats, her voice sounds tight, almost afraid.
"What's wrong, Bella?" He asked, cold dread spreading through him.
"No..." She said with a nervous laugh. "I mean... It's nothing serious. At least I don't think it serious. It's not a big deal. I just-"
"Bella," he interrupts her. "Are you okay?" His fingers tightened around the plastic casing of the phone.
"I'm fine," she said and Jacob let out a relieved sigh, then Bella continued. "This…whatever were doing…it could go wrong. We both know that. But I want- What I want is, to know... that if this goes wrong or something happens and we have to end this. Promise me..."
"Are you breaking up with me?" he asked, confused.
"No. I'm not-" she paused. "This isn't like that, okay?"
"Then what are you saying?" he asked.
"Promise me," she said, and there was a crack in her voice. "If this goes wrong…no matter what happens…we go back to being friends."
"Of course we'll be friends," he laughed. "And what could possibly go wrong? We're good together. Easy as breathing, right?"
She snorted. "Right, easy as breathing," she sighed. "You're my best friend, Jake. I need you. I can't lose you. Not ever. If us, this thing- Jacob, if this doesn't work, I don't want it to wreck our friendship. Promise me it won't? Even if it hurts, we can grin through the pain and pretend it doesn't, for each other's sake. Promise me we'll always be friends."
He wanted to tell her she was crazy. Wanted to tell her that if this ended then it wouldn't just be a little pain. It would break his heart. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He wanted…
"I promise," he said, with as much seriousness as he could muster and the relived sigh she gave made it all worth it.
It's wasn't a lie. If things didn't work out between them then he would do everything he could to keep her in his life…because he loved her.
But the part of him, the part that got nervous whenever Bella got that distant look in her eye, the part that wondered about her relationship with Cullen, that part of him flinches.
"Thank you, Jacob," she said, "Do you want to come over?"
Jacob barely hesitated before agreeing.
…
Leah uses her emergency key and slips into the apartment late one night after he takes a few days off from work.
"You okay?" she asks and when he doesn't respond, she curls up next to him, laying her head on his shoulder to offer comfort. "I'm sorry about this, Jacob. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry it's getting worse and not better,"
"If I told you that I loved you, how would you respond?" he asks, after a moment of silence.
"I love you too…just not in the way that you love me," she replies and he chuckles under his breath.
"You sure rejected me quick," he jokes and Leah smirks.
"Who said I was rejecting you?" she asks.
Jacob's jaw drops and Leah untangles herself from him.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she says and Jacob wonders if he'll ever understand that woman.
….
How does it feel when the world crumbles around you?
He couldn't say this holds true for everyone, but this is how he felt.
He couldn't move.
The apology flowers were still in his arms. They were frozen there. He felt like he should drop them on the ground in shock, but his arms won't move.
The smile that he had on earlier, when he tried to cover his concern about why she'd disappeared like that with Alice was still on his face. It was stuck there.
He could hear a thousand different loud sounds in his ear, even though the room was silent. The loudest sound being the struggle of his lungs grasping for air.
He couldn't breathe!
He wanted to say something. Something. Anything.
A cough.
A scream.
A cry.
Anything, just to make them stop.
He wanted to move.
he wanted to move his legs walk forward, reach his arms out, and pull her away from him. Back into his arms where she belongs.
He left.
He left her broken, almost, beyond repair.
He didn't want her.
He was supposed to be out of the picture.
But as he watched Cullen kiss her, as his world crumbles around him, he could not move.
What was this?
We're they back together?
What was he?
Bella had always been careful not to put a label on them.
Had the two of them been dating? Were they just friends who kissed or what?
Was he really just a distraction?
Edward pulled away from Bella and she continued to stare at him, dazed.
She didn't even notice Jacob.
She wasn't trying to explain herself or anything.
Cullen looked smug.
Jacob turned around and left without another word
….
"What are you doing here, Bella?" he asks, without turning around.
She stands there, silent like a ghost, in the doorway.
"Bella, can we do this later? I'm kind of busy right no-"
"I should've picked you," she blurts and Jacob finally looks up from setting his table.
Leah's coming over and he wants to surprise her with dinner.
Bella stands there, wearing some expensive, blue dress that Alice had probably forced her to wear, looking nervous and miserable. Jacob almost can't remember what she looks like in pants anymore.
"What?" he questions; sure he'd misheard her.
"I should've picked you," she repeats. "Things were always so easy when it came to you and me…easy. Things with Edward are so complicated. I feel like I'm drowning under the weight of everything."
He doesn't know what to say.
"I miss you Jacob." She admits. "Please tell me I'm not too late,"
He wants to tell her that he loves her, that he's always loved her, and that he will try his hardest to make her happy.
He wants to tell her it's not too late. That it'll never be too late because he'll always be waiting for her.
"Do you love me?" he asks, and Bella looks confused.
"What?"
"Do you love me?" he repeats. "Are you choosing me because you love me or are things with Edward just not what you expected?"
She stutters for a minute.
"You know how I feel about you," she finally states and once upon a time that would have been enough for him.
"Yes, I do know how you feel," he says, putting down the plates and coming to stand in front of her. "And I know how I feel but I want to hear you say it Bella."
"Jake," she mumbles, and Jacob leans forward, bracing his hands on either side of her, palms flattened against his wall.
"Tell me you love me, Bella," he demands. "Tell me that all the time I spent pining for you, wishing for this moment where you chose me over Edward, were worth it."
She looks at him with anguish.
"Jake," Her voice cracked. "Jacob I-"
He shakes his head, staring at her like a condemned man who beheld the face of his executioner.
"You don't know," he whispered, eyes widening with the realization. "You really don't know if you love me or not?"
"I do." Her eyes overflowed. "I do love you, Jacob,"
"But not as much as you love him and not enough to actually leave him." he states.
"That's not true," she protests.
"Did you tell him you were leaving him? Did you actually break it off with him before you came here or is he still waiting in the wings with no idea that you were considering leaving him?" he asks.
The look on her face is answer enough.
"That's what I thought," His face contorted suddenly. "I think you should go,"
"Jacob, please," she begged.
"Get out!" he growled and moved away from her, afraid of what he might do.
Bella hesitated for a moment and took a step towards him then she turned around and left.
Jacob stays there, trembling, unsure what to do with himself.
"Hey, Jacob," Leah says coming into his apartment. "You'll never guess who I ran into on the-" she cuts herself off when she sees him.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Bella," he says and without another word Leah holds her arms out to him in a caring gesture.
Jacob goes to her at once, his black head lowering to her soft shoulder as he weeps.
…..
"How can you just take him back? After everything he put you through?" Jacob asked, angrily. "Are you really that spineless-"
"I'm sorry, Jacob but I love him," she interrupted.
"Bullshit!" he snapped. "That's no excuse to let someone walk over you and treat you like dirt!"
Bella looked at the ground, and didn't say anything else.
"What about me?" he finally asked. "Did you ever love me?"
Bella flinched and raised her head to look him in the eye.
"I care about you so much," she said and Jacob chuckled bitterly.
"But not as much as him, right?" he questioned and then he left before she could say anything else.
…
He and Leah ride together to the rehearsal dinner. She'd tried to talk him out of going but he refused to let his own personal feeling get in the way.
The dining room was loud and the menu was in French; he pointed at something at random and barely touched his food when the waiter brought it, letting conversations of The Cullens snobbish friends and family wash over him.
"Oh no, I could never live here, I hope my nephew moves as far away from this small, insignificant town the second the weddings-"
"—To much wine on this dish. I said I wanted it bathed, not drowned —"
"—Excited to see her in the dress. They make such a fetching—"
"—The bride seems really anxious but it's probably just pre-wedding jitters—"
"I told him to make sure she signs a Prenuptial Agreement—"
"—I don't care if she's allergic. I think strawberries would be the perfect topping on the cake—"
A high chime of someone tapping their fork against their glass cuts through the voices as Charlie stood up to make his toast.
Charlie opens his mouth, and Leah reaches over to hold Jacob's hand.
…..
"Why haven't you called me back?" she growled and Jacob flinched.
He hadn't expected her to show up at his dad's house like this.
"I had nothing to say," he said, trying to keep his voice level.
Why did she care? She had Cullen now. Why couldn't she just leave him alone.
"Well, I have tons!" she said, then glanced behind him, where his friends and his dad were sitting at the table pretending not to listen.
"Look, can I talk to you?" she asked.
"Sure," he mumbled and waited for her to say what she had to say.
"Alone," she said, through gritted teeth.
Jacob sighed and closed the door behind him as he followed her to his garage.
"Wha-?" he started but she was in his arms before he could finish.
"I missed you," she said, burying her face in his chest.
He couldn't help but hug her back.
"I missed you too,"
"Can we please be friends again, Jacob?" she begged.
Jacob hesitated.
"I don't think that's a good idea," he murmured.
"Why not? Jacob, you're my best friend. I need you,"
Jacob could feel his resolve breaking.
"How can we be friends, when I love you the way I do?"
"Because you promised me," she said and Jacob flinched "You promised me that you would always be my friend."
"I know," he replied, "But that was before-"
"No matter what happened." She cut in.
Jacob nodded.
"I know,"
….
Unable to take anymore, Jacob pulls his hand away from Leah and walk out of the room.
He feels two sets of eyes watching him as he leaves though no one follows.
Jacob knows there is no way he could fit himself into the new life that Bella is making for herself.
He could move far away from Forks, Washington to some other small town or a big city. He could just pack his things and go before the wedding. He could leave a note and be gone before dinner is over.
Instead, he walks home and planned to bury himself under his covers until morning.
When he got home that night, he found everything exactly how he'd left it. He must have left the TV on, because a rerun of One Tree Hill flashed light into the living room, though the sound was muted.
Heaving a sigh, Jacob threw his suit jacket, keys and phone onto the floor and went to grab a beer from his fridge, then thought better of it and went back to the living room.
For a moment, he wished more separated him from his neighbors than just a wall, so he could scream and rage in his grief.
He collapsed on his couch, in his white dress-shirt and his black dress pants, and watched turned the volume up on his TV.
"Yeah, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire… It's all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn't give it back for the world."
Before long Jacob was asleep, the TV on but muted, so he didn't have to hear any more inspirational bullshit.
Author's note: I think I watch the Twilight Saga too much.
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