In your time…
In your time of trouble... I wish that I could be the one... you would call at night... When you needed a friend... in your time of tears... I wish that I could be the one… To make you smile again…
It's so silent. So…lonely in space. As if you could look for miles and never find another to share your thoughts with. You could scream it out, scream out your fears and no one would hear you. I've tried…no one came, no one listened.
Even in this close, confined ship no one listens. Even in this small, somewhat motley family we have created, the four, five of us, no one cares. No one bothers to stop and pay heed to the others grief.
None of ask, either. I suppose not bothering to ask for the help is as bad as not giving it. Never sharing a moment of your precious time to maybe save the other from an emotional downfall… which could eventually lead to physical problems? Maybe.
I, Faye Valentine, once stopped to care. Once stopped to open up. Where did it get me? Ah, but alone again. Always alone. I still am though surrounded by others, inside I'm still lonely, still…alone.
But, so was he. Spike…he was so alone in his heartache. He was nostalgic for those halcyon days. Earlier times. I could tell… I longed them too. I wish he saw it. I wish he could tell that I was one he could pour his thoughts out to. Mine, after all, almost mirrored him.
We were both on that never ending guest. And what for? He searched for some one- Julia. His Goddess… His life. I searched…but I never knew for what I would glance out into the distant horizon, hoping.
I think, now, I know. I was also looking for someone. Someone I had already found. It's now, when he's gone that I've realized. All I ever wanted, but never got, was his smile. I never knew that was what I longed for. I had never had the taste of it. How could I long for what I did not know?
I wish I could have stopped long enough to know. To find out what bothered you all those long nights where you sat up, thinking. Staring forward into nothingness. Maybe then, I would have been the one you searched for to help you…
And as I helped you…
Maybe she would have faded away…
And there would be…
Only us…
How I wish. Wish! What a sorrowful thing to do. Wishing means nothing… nothing. It can change…nothing!
I didn't bother to stop…
And you didn't either…
You continued onward, charging…
You left me… for her…
And for death…
I will never be who you call to help you through the pain…
Through all my worthless weeping, I felt the white hot flash of anger. Why did I let him take over me like this? Why did I let him control my thoughts? They were mine after all… and he was gone. Gone from my life forever…what use pining over him?
I ask too many questions… questions without answers….
Long for too many unreachable things…
I lay sprawled across the chair, my knee pulled up to my chest, draping one pale hand across my knee. From my long fingers, dangled a glass of wine. Empty…I was downing my worry, my sorrows….my feelings.
I wanted them all to go away… I wanted them all to disappear…
Reaching across the arm of the couch, I wrapped my fingers around the cool neck of the bottle of wine, pulling it to me. With a mock toast to the ceiling, I poured the rest of the wine into the glass.
Fuck you, Spike. I mumbled, taking the sip. Letting the sweet taste dampen my mouth and rush down my throat. For all that you made me feel.
The worthlessness, the need… and god-forbid… the longing! The ever present wanting.
I choked back a sob…and swallowed another sip of wine…
All I wanted was for you to need me…
Selfish perhaps, I knew… and understood that my want was selfish… but entwined, laced with my selfish desire… I meant well…
I wanted you to need me… and maybe
Maybe…
I could have made you happy….
Note: I know… a bit unusual… but I just let the words…flow… I don't, didn't stop them, whatever came… came… lol… tell me what you think of it, please…