A Jedi Shop in Hogsmead
I dedicate this story to Akwyn and Allandra, for playing; to Kyle, who let us use his legos; to the cats Carmel, Riggy, and Sadie, who are awesome; and to lemonade, because it's awesome too!!!
I
Three Jedis stood outside the Council Meeting Room, waiting to be summoned in. A tall woman with tidy brown hair looked at her watch. "Master Yoda is never running this late," she said to her Padawan, the girl with extremely frizzy, out-of-control hair.
"Yes Master," said the girl.
"I wonder what's going on in there," continued the Jedi Master Silivia.
"Yes Master."
"Kailan!" said the Jedi sharply. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes Master…. I'm supposed to say 'Yes Master,' remember?"
"Well, you don't have to say it in every sentence!"
"Yes, Mas… Yes," corrected Kailan. She tried to smooth out her wild hair, to look more presentable to Master Yoda.
The other Jedi standing next to her sighed. "Back in my day, we used hair gel," he said.
"But we still have hair gel, Master Ickety-Click," Kailan reminded the old, but not that old, Jedi.
"I'm sure you're mistaken," Ickety-Click said. "Listen! You can kind of hear what's going on in there!"
The three Jedis put their ears to the Council Door. Very faintly, they could hear Yoda's voice….
"SCOTLAND FOREVER!!!"
II
When Yoda called the three Jedis to the Council, he was still completely sober. Usually, in the morning, he would only drink a glass of purified water. But, the day before, the Jedi Chefs had added a new item to the menu: the Non-Alcoholic Pina Colada.
Yoda was intrigued. "What's this?" he asked the waiter who came to take his order. "A Non-Alcoholic Pina Colada, I shall have."
So as he sat in his comfy chair, waiting for the Jedis to arrive, he sipped his exotic, new drink. And as he sipped, his brain was getting a little muddled… and a little more muddled… until Mace Windu noticed something odd.
The "something odd" he noticed was the slight fact that Yoda was jumping up and down on his seat cushion, screaming, "SCOTLAND FOREVER! SCOTLAND FOREVER!!!"
"Yoda?" he asked. "Are you okay?"
"Okay? OKAY? Never been better, my dear!!!"
"You just seem kind of… bouncy, you know. I wonder what they put in that drink of yours."
He went out and opened the door, hoping to find a waiter passing by that he could ask. There was no waiter, but there was the Jedis that had been summoned.
"Um, Yoda's not doing too well," Mace said. "If you would wait here, I'll run down to the kitchen and see what happened."
"Yes, Master Windu," said Silivia.
But a moment later, Yoda came out into the hall. "Oh, you're here," he said calmly. "You may as well come in."
Master Silivia thought of the order Mace had given them, and said, "We should wait until Master Windu gets back."
"HA!" cried Yoda. "I am the all-powerful Yoda! You will do as I command!"
"Um, yes, Master Yoda," said Silivia. She motioned the two other Jedis to follow her in.
Yoda sat down on his comfy seat, and looked around for the seat-belt. When he finally looked up, he caught sight of the Jedis standing there.
"Ah, Master Kailan, Padawan Silivia, how nice of you to join me." He spoke as if he had just seen them.
"It's the other way around, Master Yoda," said Silivia respectfully.
"And you've forgotten me. I'm Master Ickety-Click."
"And where's your Padawan, Master Clicky-Click?"
"I, ah, haven't got one."
"WHY NOT? ALL JEDI SHOULD HAVE ONE!!! EVEN THE WEE YOUNGLING SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN PADAWAN!"
"Um, yes, Master Yoda." Master Ickety-Click hastily changed the subject, before things got even more uncomfortable. "You called us here for a mission, I believe?"
"Hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm, yessssssss, I believe I diiiiiiiid. Master Icky-Click, your mission is to create a cherry pie five feet long and six feet wide."
"Yes, Master." Ickety-Click bowed, and let the room. On the way out, he bumped into Mace Windu, coming back from the kitchen.
While he was down there, he had discovered that the Jedi Chefs had run out of Non-Alcoholic Alcohol and so had to put Alcoholic Alcohol into the Pina Colada.
"So he's completely drunk!" Mace said to himself. "Last time he got drunk, it took him three months and a half for it to wear off! This is not good."
He decided he must lock Yoda up, before he did anything else. But, by the time he burst into the Council Room, it was too late.
"What about our mission?" Master Silivia asked.
"Yours? Oh, you will sell Jedi stuff to the planet of Hogsmead."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Mace Windu as he ran in, tripping over his robes.
"And that is final!"
III
Master Silivia and Padawan Kailan sat in the cockpit of a small ship, trying to navigate through the dark surface of the planet.
"I can't believe Master Yoda could get drunk!" said Kailan. "It just doesn't seem like the thing he would do."
"He's been drunk before," commented Silivia.
"Really? When?"
"Sixteen years ago, on New Year's Eve. Someone accidentally gave him Champagne instead of Sparkling Cider."
Kailan giggled. "I've never seen him so bouncy!"
"You should see him in Episode II!" said Silivia. "He boings all over the place. Of course… Episode II doesn't exist yet. Neither does Episode I, for that matter…." She stopped, seeing the confused look on her Padawan's face. "I guess you haven't studied Earth movies of the future yet."
"No Master."
"Oh, look! Here's a good spot to land!"
There was a small clearing in the middle of the dark forest. Silivia slowly stopped the ship, and let it rest on the muddy ground.
The Jedis got out, and took with them all of the supplies they would need to start a shop and to live for three and a half months. "We'd better bring it all. We don't know when we'll be able to come back to the ship," said Silivia.
They started off through the forest, trying to get through without a path. "Sheesh, Master," commented Kailan. "How do the habitants of Hogsmead get around in here? I hope the whole planet's not like this!"
"I don't think so," said Silivia. "But we don't really know. There hasn't been a very extensive search conducted here."
"Oh."
It was morning when the forest stopped, and led the Jedis straight into a small town. "Finally, a settlement!"
There was a native standing there, watching them. He was a humanoid male with very little hair, and was wearing a tall pointy hat.
"Greetings," said Silivia, and bowed. Kailan followed suit.
"Uh, hi," said the old man. "Did you just come out of the Forbidden Forest?"
"I did not know it was forbidden," Silivia said, loudly and clearly, so the man would understand her.
"Ha! Where're you from, then? Ha, ha! No knowin' it was forbidden…." This seemed to amuse him greatly.
"We're from Coruscant," Kailan offered. Silivia nodded.
"Coruscant, eh? What kind of joke is this?" The man hobbled away into the nearest building. The Leaky Cauldron, the sign said.
"Well, at least we know they're humans, Master," Kailan said.
"Yes, Padawan. May that be a lesson to you."
"Why me? Why can't it be a lesson to you, too?"
"Well, I don't know. I guess because I'm supposed to be teaching you stuff. Have you learned anything yet?"
For lack of anything better to say, Kailan just agreed, "Um…. Yes Master."