Author's Note: This is technically my first fanfiction, but not my first writing experience. I am an accomplished roleplayer (for the love of all that is holy, somebody roleplay Mass Effect with me, I'm as desperate as a celebrity who has fallen out of the public eye), so I've got some writing experience underneath my belt. About three years of it, in fact. Now, while you're reading this, you'll probably encounter quite a few penis jokes. I deliberately injected these phallic references in order to make a commentary on the way Fox News brutally attacked Mass Effect for having one mild sex scene, which was about as vivid as something I see on TBS. Seriously, you guys, have you watched The Terminator? That sex scene was way more vivid, and that was a movie.
Oh, right, the disclaimer! I don't own Mass Effect, Bioware, Microsoft, or anything. I don't really own these characters either (though you could make the claim that I partly own Shepard, at least appearance-wise)
Massive Effections
While men and women busied themselves about their various affairs, an intellect—cool, vast, and unsympathetic—regarded the Earth with distasteful and critical eyes. Shepard continued to look out the window at the planet in a very dramatic manner; she was completely oblivious to the conversation about her that was cleverly happening off-screen. "Well… What about Shepard?" One voice suggested, with an accent that made you want to punch somebody in the face. "She's a criminal! Criminals are hot." Another voice added, "She grew up on the streets—probably standing on a street corner, pretending to give directions every time a cop passed by. Her parents died, and she was an orphan. What a surprise!" "I guess that would explain why she got most of her unit killed," Bishop—I mean, another voice said. "But I thought the official story was a thresher maw attack?" The annoying first voice said. "That's the official story, but only a full-blown retard with an I.Q. less than a pineapple believes the official story." A pineapple immediately exited the room, muttering, "I take offense at that remark." However, the pineapple was soon forgotten, and the conversation continued.
"This is the kind of woman we need," The third voice said. The second voice replied, "Exactly. If we're gonna keep the morale up, we're going to need a woman who knows how to have a good time." There was a pause; then, the third voice replied, "That's… not quite what I meant." The second voice sighed, "Oh, shut up, Bishop." The first voice added, "Yeah! Shut up! I want to get laid!" At that, the second and third voices laughed loudly and obnoxiously. "Don't kid yourself! You're a politician, and politicians never get laid. That's why they're in politics," The third voice said. "Besides, we need Shepard because she gets the job done—no matter the cost." The second voice replied, "Yes, I know. She used up half our military budget just to apprehend a smuggler by the name of Han… Single, was it? Solitary? Alone? On-his-own? More or less like that." "Yeah, well, I'd rather have a big spender than a greedy Jew—" "Hey, hey, whoa! Where did that come from?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I—I know, I need help." There was a pause, and then the other two muttered their agreement. An awkward silence seemed to drag on, and then the subject was changed.
"Anyways, we need Shepard. She's the only one who can protect humanity. Well… Except maybe Superman. But after his latest movie, ehhh… I don't think we want him representing us." There was yet another murmur of agreement, and then a squeaky, novelty gavel banged on the table. "Then it's settled! Shepard will do something awesome for us, while we watch. I'll make the call." There was a loud beeping, followed by the first voice asking, "HELLO?! I—I CAN'T HEAR YOU. I THINK YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL—WHAT?! YEAH, YEAH, TELL MA I'M FINE." Before things could get any more embarrassing, the camera cut to a blank screen, which was filled with a bunch of words that nobody really wants to read. Nonetheless, here they are:
In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. Everybody agreed that these aliens must have had some pretty big balls in order to harness a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.
They called it, "Probably the biggest wing-wang that we've ever seen, ever. Seriously guys, this is like a grade-A Hebrew National."
The civilizations of the galaxy call it… (with an ellipses for dramatic effect)
MASSIVE EFFECTIONS
A very cool looking title flashed on the screen, before not-so-subtly fading away from the screen, revealing the edge of a planet with a large but generic light source behind it, which faded away before you could even get a good look at it. Nice, Bioware. Suddenly, the scene cut to Jupiter, which still had that big, giant, ugly, nasty pimple on it. "Ewwww!" A live studio audience proclaimed at the sight of it. Seriously, guys, shouldn't somebody pop that thing? Thankfully, a ship shot across the screen, obscuring the blemish from view. Meanwhile, Shepard made her way up to the bridge, pushing anybody who she didn't like (and believe me, the list was long) out of her way. Her dark skin had a dull shine underneath the fluorescent lights, along with her red hair. Now, how somebody with skin as dark as hers got red hair, I'll never know. I assume it's not natural—but then again, it's the future. Who knows what genetic experimenting has brought us? Apparently, it's brought us black redheads. At least she's not a stepchild too.
Seth Green—I mean, Joker, said something along the lines of, "Blah blah blah technobabble blah blah insert joke here!" Seriously, who listens to this part anyway? Then, the ship shot past Neptune. "Oooooh!" The audience proclaimed, leaning in to stare at the pretty blue planet. Meanwhile, Shepard pushed past her racist XO officer, who muttered something derogatory about the hanar. Why? I'm not quite sure, he's probably a little senile anyway. The ship suddenly shot past Uranus, much to the audience's laughter. "Hahahaha! Haha! It's a planet named after your anus!" They giggled, sounding exactly like pre-pubescent schoolgirls. "Really classy, guys!" Shepard called out, as she made her way up to Joker. The ship zoomed past Pluto, and the audience let out a few boos and called the planet—oh, sorry, dwarf planet a few mean names. "You suck donkey balls!" One audience member cried out. To that, Pluto replied, "No, you!" However, the solar system was soon left behind, as the ASS (Alliance Star Ship) Normandy rapidly approached the Massive Erection—I mean, Massive Effection relay that lingered just outside the edge of the solar system. Shepard looked out the window at the looming leviathan, and muttered, "That is definitely sexual. Look at that thing!" To that, Joker replied, "That's nothing, I've seen bigger." Shepard smiled at Joker, revealing bright white teeth. Then, she smacked on the back of the head. "Like yours, Joker?" She asked, already knowing the answer. Joker stared at his useless feet, and muttered, "Well, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the drive core." Shepard shrugged, and replied, "Truth."
"But it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat."
And with that, the ASS Normandy moved along side the Massive Effection relay. Tendrils of what could best be described as electricity lashed out onto the hull, accelerating the ASS past lightspeed.