Summary: The guys having a conversation over a pot of fondue. In response to a discussion on GW as to what is and is not in character.
Category: Humor
Season: Vague, somewhere during seasons 3-5.
Rating: T/PG-13
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
A/N: Don't ask me how I came up with this, explaining it is way too complicated. Comments and objections both appreciated.
Discussions Over Fondue by iamdragonrider
"Hey, did you guys know Carter waxes?" Colonel Jack O'Neill stood in to doorway of Major Carter's spacious living room, having come from the direction of the hall, holding a small open box. His two companions looked up from the discussion they were having over the tray containing various fruits and other items set around the now warm fondue pot.
"Jack, what are you doing with that?" Dr. Daniel Jackson asked, his blue eyes intent behind his glasses. "Hey, this ones not bad, you should try it Teal'c," he added as an aside, waving a half eaten chocolate covered morsel at the large alien warrior seated beside him.
Teal'c nodded, reaching for a bit of the same fruit, before addressing the tall, lean, graying man still standing in the doorway with his evidence. "I do not believe Major Carter would appreciate you going through her personal effects during her absence, O'Neill," the man said levelly, his tone no less serious despite the fact he was following Daniel's example in dipping things into the melted chocolate, creating a picture that somehow just looked wrong in Jack's eyes. Perhaps that had been why he'd felt the need to leave the room when the other two men had gamely started sampling the tidbits for dipping in melted chocolate that the blond Air Force Major had brought out not long after they'd arrived.
The woman in question was conspicuously absent. It was an unofficial team night, Carter having invited the rest of SG-1 over for snacks and a movie when they'd found themselves with some unexpected downtime. Unfortunately, as they'd settled down to watch the film, the Major had been called urgently back to the SGC to fix some matter that had come up with the dialing computers. Sam had sheepishly brought out the fondue pot prior to this, explaining that it had been a housewarming gift from a friend that she'd never used. While the guys had shrugged and seemed dubious, it appeared that SG-1, part of them at least, were captivated with trying different things dipped in the warm chocolate, from cookies and various fruits, to marshmallows and even popcorn.
Not to be diverted from his present line of questioning, Jack shrugged off his potential invasion of the Major's privacy. "I had to pee," he said defensively, "And it was right there." He frowned slightly, studying the box. "Isn't waxing painful?" he asked curiously, wandering the rest of the way into the room and setting the box on the coffee table before snagging a strawberry. Reaching around Daniel, he dipped the fruit into the pot before he could change his mind. It did look rather tempting after all, and neither of the other two men seemed less masculine for trying the distinctly feminine, at least in Jack's mind, activity.
Daniel made a slight face as he leaned to allow the man access to the pot, and then shrugged. "It's not all that bad," he said, answering the question.
Jack bit into his berry. "You're right, this is pretty good," he admitted with some surprise, and then what Daniel had said caught up with him. "Wait, you sound like you're speaking from personal experience," he said, gaze narrowed slightly at the younger man.
Looking up, Daniel blinked owlishly, and then lifted one shoulder in dismissal. "Yeah, I do, so?" he replied, a little challengingly.
"So?" the Colonel replied incredulously, as he picked his way around to the empty armchair. "It's weird, that's what," he answered as if that explained it all. Daniel narrowed his eyes at the older man, thinking of a reply to the man's narrow-minded statement.
Watching them silently, Teal'c abandoned his current bit of chocolate covered fruit, and selected something else to dip. "Waxing is a most effective means of excess hair removal," he told them seriously.
Jack blinked, straightening while he hastily swallowed the last bite of strawberry. "Not you too, Teal'c?" he said, his tone thick with disbelief. The fondue pot was one thing, but this revelation was something else entirely. Teal'c, however, met his disbelieving look levelly and unblinking. Jack looked away, brushing his hands together and reaching out for another strawberry to cover his obvious discomfort over the unexpected disclosures.
It was a moment before he could find the words to speak. "But, doesn't it hurt?" he asked again pointedly, not meeting either man's eyes as he dipped back into the pot.
Daniel rolled his eyes and shared a look with Teal'c, who was skillfully hiding his amusement at the conversation. "It's really not that bad," he repeated, "Besides, it's worth it."
Jack made a skeptical noise over the statement. "Oh, come on, we're men. Men are supposed to be hairy," he argued.
"You know, Jack, there's such a thing as being too hairy," Daniel returned smoothly, piercing the man with an uncomfortably knowing look over the fondue pot.
"There are many women who find smooth, unblemished skin most appealing," Teal'c added, a slight note of conviction in his voice that spoke of personal knowledge.
"But it hurts," Jack argued, keeping doggedly to his line of reasoning.
Rolling his eyes again, Daniel shook his head, popping another chocolate covered morsel in his mouth. "Have you ever tried it?" he asked probingly.
Jack blinked. "Well, no," he admitted, his eyes narrowing slightly over the surprise question.
"Perhaps a demonstration would be in order," suggested Teal'c, as he removed something he'd just dipped into the chocolate. He sounded completely serious. Daniel's eyes lit up.
Jumping to his feet in alarm, Jack took a step back away from his two teammates, holding open hands up in front of him. "No way," he said definitively, shaking his head for emphasis.
"Oh, come on Jack, what are you afraid of?" Daniel asked, reaching out and picking up the box that Jack was now sorely wishing he'd not brought out of the bathroom. "There's really nothing to it," he said, removing a small container and peering into the box.
Jack scowled. "Nothing, except pain maybe," he said scornfully. "Besides, real men don't wax," he finished scathingly. "I'd rather be hairy than in pain," he added.
"Was it not you, O'Neill, that also told me, 'Real men don't feel pain'?" Teal'c countered, one eyebrow raised.
The corner of Daniel's mouth twitched. "No pain, no gain," he said, eyes twinkling.
"You've got to be kidding me," responded Jack. He looked at his two teammates, but they both looked quite earnest. And that was how, after nearly twenty minutes of teasing and bickering and the use of several more, often mangled, clichés about real men and pain, he found himself shirtless, with Daniel applying paper strips coated in wax to his unprotected back. Jack blamed the mixture of beer and sugar. Fondue was addicting.
"We'll just start with two," Daniel said from behind him, as he smoothed a second strip down.
"This isn't that bad, actually," Jack admitted reluctantly, still feeling dubious. The wax wasn't all that hot, and actually felt rather good on his back while it cooled. There was a moment of silence, and Jack twitched, sensing looks exchanged over his head. He shifted, hiding sudden nervousness. "Uh, guys?" he asked warily.
"I believe the wax has cooled sufficiently Daniel Jackson," he heard Teal'c say, ignoring his question. A soft touch on his back as fingers found a corner of the wax-covered strip. Without warning, there was a sound of tearing, and searing, burning pain exploded over his right shoulder.
"Aaaiiee!" He screeched, in a most unmanly way, leaping out of the chair like a scalded cat and spinning to face the two openly grinning men behind him. "Not really all that bad?" he yelped, voice still raised slightly in pitch. "My ass!"
"Actually, that could probably use a little waxing too," Daniel said, eyes glinting mischievously. Jack's eyes grew round with horror, his reply saved by the intervention of Teal'c.
"We must still remove the other strip," the large man pointed out helpfully.
"Oh, no," Jack said, backing towards the front door, hands held as if to fend them off. "Hell no. It can stay right wear it is for all I care. Where's my shirt?" he demanded, looking around the room and trying to remember where the discarded bit of clothing had ended up.
"Jack," Daniel said, with a tone of patience one might use when talking to a small child, "You can't just leave it."
Chin set determinedly, Jack shook his head, still casting about for his missing shirt. "No way, it can stay right where it is," he replied stubbornly.
The amusement on the other two men's faces only grew, and Jack scowled in annoyance that the two were having a bit too much enjoyment at his expense. Too late, Jack felt the draft playing over the newly bare patch of skin on his back.
"Am I interrupting something? If I am, I can come back," an all too familiar and definitely female voice said. This being her own house, the Major had simply let herself in and the Colonel had missed the sound of the lock turning during his attempts to protect himself from more unnecessary pain. Sam's voice held equal parts of amusement and curiosity.
Jack spun, facing the woman, and doing his best to summon all the bearing of military command he could muster. Trying to hide his self consciousness over his shirtless condition and knowing it was no doubt obvious what they'd been doing since he'd unwittingly given her a full view of his back with it's rectangular patch of naked skin and the as yet unremoved strip of wax coated paper on the other shoulder. "Carter!" he exclaimed, "That was fast!" he pointed out, stalling. "We didn't think you'd be back so soon."
She shrugged, watching him curiously as she put down her motorcycle helmet and keys. There was an unmistakable look of merriment in her expression, but somehow, she kept it bottled inside while she removed her leather bike jacket and explained her early return. "Just a minor hiccup in the program. Got it sorted out pretty quick, sir," she told him. A brief flicker of her blue eyes to a point over his left shoulder made him tense suddenly, realizing that Daniel had taken advantage of the distraction Carter's entrance had presented. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time to round on his attacker before he'd efficiently removed the remaining wax strip with another tearing sound.
"Son of a…"
Blinking tears from his eyes, Jack whipped around to find the young archeologist already beating a retreat towards the kitchen. "You'll pay for this, Jackson!" Jack yelled, vaulting over the couch, and taking up chase.
"I don't want to know, do I?" Sam asked Teal'c, who was standing calmly, watching as the too men disappeared into the kitchen. They heard the sound of back door being yanked open and then slammed shut, followed by footsteps pounding down the back stair. Mere moments later the door was pulled open again, the screen door banging shut twice as the two men exited, one in hot pursuit of the other.
"You do not," Teal'c responded levelly, and then looked down at the coffee table. "The banana was most delicious, I believe you should try it," he suggested, seemingly unconcerned with the events going on outside. Following his comment, he sat down, taking up a piece of the aforementioned fruit.
Sam grinned, listening as the loud male voices filtered back through the still open screen door. From the cursing, it didn't sound like the Colonel had caught up with his prey yet. It was even odds as to whether he would at that, Daniel had buffed up in the last year or two and was no longer the slight, geeky, naïve scientist he had once seemed to be. He also had a good lead on the older man. "Thanks Teal'c," she said, taking a seat across from the big man, and reaching out for her own piece of fruit. "I think I will."
finis