Missing Scene – 2x11
"Empty. The bottle is empty, how did that happen?" Julia rhetorically asked, reaching across the coffee table, desperate to elicit the last drops of Shiraz.
Sarah muttered a few incomprehensible words and rolled to her side, using the arm of the sofa to hoist herself to her feet. "Plenty more where that came from," she muttered, the words rolling off her tongue. After only a step she tripped and stumbled, the identifiable sound of glass rattling into objects reverberated through the room. "That'll be the first bottle," she added with a small laugh. "I hope."
"Come on Bambi, my glass empty and is in need of refilling. I'll starve at this rate. Starve? Die of thirst perhaps. What's the word? Dehydrate, that's it. All those years of education, well spent I tell you."
"I'm not sure you can dehydrate from lack of wine, but whatever the excuse, I'm right there with ya," Sarah responded, her voice hollow as it was lost in the wooden cabinet that housed the vintage reds. "How about a '98 Cab Sav?"
"I don't think you were paying attention to me when I said, I'm drinking more because I'm not pregnant. Does that sound like the kind of girl who is interested in what she's drinking?"
Sarah shrugged and hoisted herself to her feet, fingers gripped tightly around the neck of the latest bottle. A slight lump swelled in her throat, recalling the unmistakable look of jealousy that Julia had given her when she mentioned the lack of planning in Drew and Amber's conception. She hadn't seen that look for years, since they were teenagers really; Julia had worked so hard to carve a path that was different to any of her siblings and certainly different to the older sister she had idolised since childhood. "I'm sorry that things aren't, you know...going to plan," Sarah offered gently, refilling each of their glasses before settling back on the sofa. "Thank God for screw caps too, by the way."
Julia sighed, shaking her head as she leaned back and tilted her head to the ceiling. "I don't know, maybe I'm too stressed or something. I'm told I'm a bit highly strung," she said quietly with a slight smile.
"I haven't heard that," Sarah responded, tipping the glass to her lips and swallowing slowly. "About Crosby yes, you – not so much." They both chuckled softly before Sarah continued her easy, alcohol fuelled monologue. "This is nice, you know, we should do this more often. You and I. I don't know why we don't, I guess that weird sibling dynamic we always had. I was the screw up and you were...are...awesome. With your job and the law thing. I always wanted that, not to be a lawyer but to be good at something. Or to get paid because I was really good at something. Other than pulling beer that is. And of course there's Joel, he's not a screw up. Unlike my unfortunate taste in men. Now my children are going to end up like their father, drug and alcohol addicts. Fantastic. Unlike their mother of course, who clearly has a healthy handle on the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Hmmm. Where was I? Sorry. Yes, no; sometimes it takes time Julia. It just takes time." When Sarah finally shifted her gaze from shifting haphazardly from wall to wall, she found her sister staring into the empty glass held loosely in her hand, tears tracking down her cheeks. "Julia..." Sarah stated slowly, her eyebrows narrowed in confusion. "Seriously, you're putting too much pressure on yourself."
"Need more wine," Julia choked out, holding her glass out in front of her.
"Clearly," Sarah muttered, refilling each of their glasses before sitting back, an awkward silence filling the room broken only by the occasional sniffle. "Hey..."
"Don't Sarah," Julia interrupted. "You don't need to do this. It's fine. Everything is fine."
"Oh you see, I'm a bit of an expert in not being fine; and I can identify the symptoms a mile off."
"No, you don't have to do this," Julia said, waving her free hand in the air and pointing at herself. "You don't have to be all...whatever...I don't know. You don't have to be all nice to me."
Sarah leant forward, reaching out and curling her fingers around Julia's forearm. "Last time I checked, I invited you to this little gig. Party like it's 1999 remember? We're not teenagers anymore, thankfully, and I'm not too cool to hang with my little sister."
"I seem to remember 1999 ending in tears as well; I was with that loser from law school, he told me I wasn't allowed to go and see you in Fresno. Controlling prick." Sarah smiled but sat in silence, gently holding on to her sister's arm and rubbing her thumb against her skin. "I did something really stupid Sarah. Really stupid. No one knows, not even Joel. Especially not Joel," Julia said, tipping her head back and pouring the warm liquid down her throat. "False courage," she muttered, her eyes darting, failing to hold focus for longer than a few seconds.
"You forget, I'm the queen of stupid. You're in good company. And equally drunk company as well. If we both remember this conversation in the morning, I will be very surprised."
"You wouldn't have done this. No one in this family would have. You will hate me; everyone would. Why were we raised like this? To have to think we have to be perfect. Nothing short of perfect is acceptable right?"
"Well, it's acceptable. We have just been taught to crucify ourselves for any mistake. I don't think my kids have learnt that though, they've mastered screwing up. Just like me; which means you're in good company. And killing me with dragging this out..."
"You don't understand," Julia whispered, shaking her head. "You won't understand."
"Do you want a hug? Will that help? I'm very affectionate after a bottle of wine. Wait, that's our third bottle we've almost finished. Hugs, yes; I give very good hugs."
Julia shook her head no. "I had an abortion." The words hung thick in the air, as if filling each crevice like smoke from a smouldering fire. Slowly but unmistakably.
"What? When?" Sarah gasped, unable to hide the shock in her voice. Julia dropped her chin to her chest, silently crying. "No, it's okay. I don't mean...I don't mean anything by that. I just, you didn't talk to me."
"I didn't talk to anyone, Sarah. I couldn't tell anyone."
"Why not though? You could have talked to me, remember when you in school? I always told you to come to Fresno if you needed anything. It's okay, you were in law school for God's sake, it's not like you could have raised a baby. Dad would have killed the man, literally I would think. Hell, Adam probably would have as well."
"You don't understand. Understand? That word doesn't even sound right. But you don't. I wasn't in law school though Sarah. I was married and I had a job with great maternity leave and options to work part-time from home. I had a toddler, who I loved and Joel loved."
Again, Julia's words lingered in the air, stationary and unable to be retracted. Her shoulders trembled and she curled her body into the sofa, her forehead tapping against her knees. She withdrew from Sarah, her arm slipping easily from the loose grip. It was enough to jerk Sarah into consciousness as she took Julia's glass and placed both on the coffee table before turning her body to face her sister. "When?" she asked gently, reaching with some lack of coordination, to tuck Julia's hair behind her ear.
"Two years ago. There's nothing you can say that would make me feel worse. You don't need to tell me how stupid and selfish I was, I'm already paying the price."
"Oh I don't think that's how it works Jules. You're not being punished." Her only response was a shrug and a fresh flow of tears. "I don't understand why you didn't talk to someone – to me or to Joel. And I can't believe you've been going through all this on your own and I can't believe we had to drink...a lot...for you to talk...at all. And I can tell you now that we will be having a very sober conversation tomorrow. Maybe not tomorrow, headaches and all; but still, a very sober conversation at some point. You got that?"
"More wine?" Julia asked, peaking a tear filled eye out from her knees.
"Oh absolutely," Sarah answered with a smile. "Just one thing first," she added, wrapping her arms around Julia's curled up form. "Hugs remember. I rock at giving hugs."
"We don't hug," Julia said, tearfully laughing. Her body trembled in an effort to control the emotion.
"Oh, we so do," Sarah confirmed, leaning back, and again, drawing Julia's hair away from her face and behind her ears exposing the salty tears she was trying to restrain. The response was a deep, anguished sob and a quick move to bury her face against Sarah's neck. "See, not so bad. And, your reward will be some more wine."
It took only a few minutes for the tears to slow but Julia remained limp and heavy against her sister. "I'm sorry to wreck your girl's night," she eventually conceded.
"Yes, you are solely responsible for my ridiculous new year resolution not going to plan. Let's face it; it was never going to work. We're all bloody train wrecks in this family, I'm embracing the drama."
"Yeah, for once it's not your drama."
"In my defence, I have had my fair share. Time to spread the joy."
"Please don't tell anyone what I told you."
Sarah shook her head, "But I'm holding you to the sober conversation. You can't be blaming yourself for what's happening now, that's not how it works."
"But I do."
"I know. And hey, I think you've earned another glass, what do you think?"
"Hell yeah; we're partying like it's...what year again?"