A/N: First of all, Criminal Minds does not belong to me, it belongs to CBS. I am just a very bored person who likes to play with other peoples' toys. Second of all, this concept is not mine either. I merely saw ArmedWithAComputer's White Collar version, and wanted to try a Criminal Minds one. If you watch that show I highly recommend you read her fic as well. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: See above.

Warning: Spoilers for the end of season 2 and Elephant's Memory.

Word Count: 444

Happy reading!

Dear Authors,

As much as I am flattered that you all like me so much, I am begging you to stop writing these fics! I was appalled when Garcia showed me this website. She insisted I look at some of the stories about me, and thanks to my ability to read 20,000 words per minute, I've read quite a few. Many of them are very unpleasant.

Several of you are obsessed with me being a former drug addict. Emphasis on former. As you all know, I have been clean for a long time and do not like it at all when you say that I was forced into rehab because I couldn't quit, or worse, died from overdose.

I also dislike this thing called "whump". If you are my fan, then why would you write that I was shot, blown up, kidnapped, tortured, raped, in a car accident, had cancer, held hostage, had gone crazy, witnessed some horrific event, or worst of all...was in a relationship with Morgan? I am not gay, and I have no feelings for Morgan, Hotch, Rossi or Gideon.

That reminds me, pairings. I would much rather be paired with JJ, Prentiss or Garcia than one of the male members of my team, but I am not dating any of them. They are my friends, and only that. Plus, JJ is already engaged. I do not know which one of you originally thought this up, but I am requesting that you stop. Right now.

One last point I would like to make. AU. Each and every one of these stories are strange, and most, improbable. Even the ones that are somewhat realistic are still not nice.

For example, many of you have written stories about me being bullied as a child. I have only revealed that information to Hotch and Morgan, so I am not sure how you found out, but is not my favorite story topic. I am past that part of my life and do not like to revisit it every time I see a story about it.

I have also seen fics where I go crazy when I cannot have coffee. I'll have you know I can function without it. When some one touches my mug, or spills my coffee, I do not flip out and go ballistic on them.

Thank you all for reading my letter, and please, please take this into consideration. If Morgan finds out about this website I will never hear the end of it.

-Spencer Reid

A/N #2: Just so you know, I wrote this for my own amusement and the amusement of others, and am not trying to offend anyone who writes Reid whump. I am actually a big fan of it, and wrote a fic involving him injured as well.