"…and you're sure you don't want to be single for a while? I mean, this is New York, you could go out and have fun…" Adam trailed off.
"Did you? Have fun, I mean." Kurt asked, but he wasn't really sure what kind of answer he wanted to hear. Adam looked at him and cocked his head.
"Not so much. But I won't lie to you, Kurt: I didn't enter a monastery when you broke up with me."
Kurt nodded. "That's good. I mean, after what I did-"
"Can we just stop with the guilt and kiss already?" Adam suggested cheekily. "You told me everything you wanted me to know, and left it up to me if I wanted to date you again. Well, I thought about it, and I do."
Kurt smiled. He had talked all afternoon. He had talked until their coffees went cold, and their refills too. He had talked through their shared portion of cheesecake and later, club sandwiches. Adam hadn't interrupted, and he'd only used Kurt's natural pauses to ask him if he was okay or wanted anything else. Kurt had told him everything; the pressure he had felt at the proposal, the fear of disappointing everyone (especially his dad), the awkward renewal of their long-distance relationship, with his ever-lingering doubt that Blaine would cheat on him again while he was away, the momentary elation of finally moving in together and the disappointing reality that was actually living in one apartment. Of him working and Blaine spending his money. Of Blaine's controlling tendencies. Of the bashing. (There, Adam hadinterrupted, but only to tell Kurt how awful he felt, and how brave Kurt had been). Of Blaine feeling threatened every time someone paid attention to Kurt. Of the porn. And finally, with a shuddering breath, Kurt had told Adam of the night he finally found out Blaine had been cheating on him again. Not once, but over and over, with guys he picked up at a gay bar in Greenwhich village. There had been a huge fight which had ended with Kurt demanding Blaine's key to the loft, and giving him back his ring in return. Kurt had then spent a few days wallowing in misery before taking a firm hold of his life again and starting to pick up the pieces. One of those pieces- a quite important one- was Adam. Kurt felt that even if the handsome Brit didn't want to try going out with him again, he should at least apologise. That he was actually saying yes to a date was incredible.
That Adam wanted to kiss him right there and then, even more incredible.
Kurt took Adam's hand, leaned forward, and kissed him. It felt like they were at NYADA all over again, that time after their snowed in weekend together, when they had made things official. Adam wrapped his arms around him, and it felt like coming home.
And then it happened.
Their kiss grew more heated, and somewhere in the process Adam's hands wandered up from Kurt's waist to his face, cupping his jaw.
Kurt froze. Eventhough he knew that everything was okay, that this was Adam, who'd never hurt a fly let alone make him do anything he didn't want to do, the tactile memories of that particular touch made his skin crawl. David Karofsky forcing his lips on his while he was too stunned to even try and turn away; and later Blaine, while he was just as stunned, but not so scared. It became their signature thing; with Blaine always the initiator, and the one who determined how long it lasted. The kiss was over when he let go- not before that. Kurt was his vessel, the eternal recipient. Even at their proposal, what should have been the epitome of mutual decisions and consent, Blaine held on to him like someone was timing them and he had a record to break, not letting Kurt up for air.
Kurt felt stifled, trapped, and for a split second he wondered if he maybe had a type- maybe this is what he wanted, subconsciously. Had his past full of locker slams and being shoved up against the wall turned him into someone who sought out aggressive men?
But then Adam let go and pulled back, a worried look in his eyes. "Are you alright? Did I… is this too much?" he asked carefully.
Kurt took a deep breath and let it out. He had one chance now to tell the truth. If he brushed it off, it would only happen again and again and he'd come to resent Adam for it. "I'm okay," he said, "I just…don't feel comfortable being held like that. It's not your fault." He shot up a silent prayer to whatever was listening up there that Adam wouldn't laugh, and think he was a freak with too much baggage.
Adam bit his lip and nodded that he understood. "I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me know," he said.
Kurt shrugged, feeling a little stupid.
"Hey," Adam added, making sure he had eye contact with Kurt before he continued, "Always tell me things like that, okay? I really don't want to mess this up. I promise I'll do the same."
Kurt scoffed a little, but he was smiling again. ""Okay, then tell me something you don't like."
Adam made a pensive face. "Um..well..to be quite honest…not that you ever did that before, but…don't pull my hair? My dad was bald by the time he was forty and I really don't want to hurry the process along." He winked at Kurt, who laughed.
"Okay, I won't," he promised. "But your hair looks great. Even if you do hide it under your beanies a lot."
"I'm just trying to protect it," Adam said with a grin.
"Just as long as you don't cement it together with hairgel, I think you'll be okay," Kurt replied.