THIS FIC IS NOT KLAINE FRIENDLY.

Tonight on Glee Death Match, British muffin and beanie-wearing Adam Crawford faces Mr Bowtie Blaine Devon Anderson! [cue game jingle]

"Hello again ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sue Sylvester-"

"- and I'm Will Schuester."

"Nobody cares about that, Schuester. You're only here because I need a second person up in this box to lower the odds of me getting hit by flying debris from the game," Sue says.

"Okay…I have to say, the arena is completely gleeking out for this Glee Death Match, or shall we call it the Death Glatch, or the Gleathmat—"

"Shut up, Schuester! So, facing each other tonight are two of Porcelain Hummel's gay lovers as they battle out who moves into the ridiculously spacious New York loft that struggling high school graduates couldn't possibly afford."

"They are looking very fierce, Sue. This could get ugly."

"You mean it already is, Schue, with you in the box."

"On the left in the red, we have Adam Crawford, whose greencard got extended on one condition only, that he beat Anderson to a pulp tonight-"

"And on the right in…is that yellow or did a baby poop over his blue shorts? Blaine Anderson, ladies and gentlemen. Now I know many of you feel Anderson should win by default because this is Glee, but we decided it would be more fun to shake things up a little. So here goes, it looks like referee Jacob ben Israel is ready to start the match."

[Jacob looks sweaty and ready to faint]

"They said there'd be hot number girls," he squeaks. "Okay, I want a good clean fight and I want you to wait until I am out of range!" [squeals and hurries off. A gong.] "Let's get it on!" he calls from the sidelines.

"Well Schue, it looks like Crawford is going up to Anderson for a mature heart to heart. This can't end well. Ow! Anderson is refusing to listen and is holding his breath and stomping his feet."

"Crawford goes back to his corner to regroup. Anderson goes in for an attack. Is that..? Yes, I believe he is using his grandpa-braces as a catapult to shoot a pair of trendy sunglasses at Crawford! Crafty! Oh dear, Crawford is hit in the chest. Luckily it bounces off his abs. Anderson is sulking and it looks like he is preparing to sing a sad song-"

"It looks more like he needs an enema if you ask me."

"The sad song is countered by Crawford's Ray of Sunshine smile! Incredible. I've never seen a crowd so cheered up!"

"I don't know, Schuester. I think they'd be a lot happier if that Gleeclub of yours finally lets out its death rattle."

"Sue…"

"Principal Sue to you, Schuester. But hang on? Anderson is being pelted with chocolate chip cookies! He's lucky his gelmet is nearly impenetrable, unlike other parts of his body, if I remember a certain trip to a lighthouse-"

"Sue, there are kids watching this!"

"Typical hypocrisy of American television, William! We can show two young men fighting to the death but let's not mention gay sex because of the ratings-"

[Blaine takes out a huge hammer and swings it at Adam]

"Owww look at that, Anderson has brought his mighty weapon Endgame. It's elusive and nearly unbeatable. He's trying to hit Crawford but he can't reach very high. Watch out for those kneecaps, Adam!"

[Kurt, from the audience, shouts and points. Adam dodges Blaine's blow. The crowd ooohs]

"Excellent move by Crawford, who saved himself by paying attention to Kurt and listening to what he has to say. What will he do next? Oh, he's trying reasoning again. Has he learned nothing?"

"Oh my god, what is that? Is it what I think it is?"

"Yes it is, Will. It's the Canon Cannon. And Anderson is gonna use it."

"Incredible! Crawford has erected a wall of fanfiction and is firing back with headcanons. I have never seen anything this brave."

[Blaine changes his strategy. A microphone on a cord drops down]

"Please don't tell me he's singing again."

"Well, he is the New Rachel… It looks like Adam is trying hard not to fall under his spell. But look. It almost seems like his skin is changing into felt? Are those strings sprouting from his arms? Is Anderson turning him into a puppet?"

"Something needs to happen or this match is over! I now invite the audience to start trending stuff on Twitter. It won't help but you'll have something to do during intermission."

[Intermission]

"And we're back, both opponents are still at it. Crawford has tried to get the audience on his side by doing Downton Abbey impressions, but Anderson has told them a story of his tragic past and abusive family-"

"Wait, is any of that even true?"

"Who cares, Will? It's Glee, if it doesn't work we'll just retcon everything next week."

"Right. Well, it seems to be working. A circle of crying twelve year olds is forming around Anderson. Their 21 tissue boxes spell out the word "eternity". He's untouchable. Crawford can pack it up and go home."

[Kurt gets up and climbs into the ring]

"What's going on? Is Lady Hummel going to fight? It looks like he's actually going to use his free will to choose…but no! Anderson jumps in with 4 singing choirs, Kurt's dad and a picture of his dead mom. Kurt is going to be flattened!"

"No, wait. Crawford has something. It's…dear god, are those the ratings and the itunes charts? They are making Anderson shrink! He wasn't tall to begin with but now he's tiny! He's nearly invisible!"

[ Kurt steps forward and stomps.]

"Aaand it's over, ladies and gentlemen. Blaine Anderson is history, squished under Porcelain's fancy ankle boot. And with that, the winner of the evening is Adam Crawford!"

"It looks like he already got his prize too!" [Kurt and Adam are kissing]

"I'm gonna be sick."

"Shut up, Sue. I mean, principal Sue."

"Join us again next week when we pitch Janitor Figgins against his old nemesis Ms Teen Vampire Vaporape Cohen-Chang!"