Renji fought the urge to open his eyes at the sound of Zabimaru's voice. "You already know. We're here to get stronger."
"I didn't ask that," Zabimaru said. There was a note of amusement in the chimera's voice. "I asked why you're here."
Renji twitched one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "Fine, whatever. I need to be stronger, then."
"A Vice Captain, and you're still not happy with your strength? Come, now..."
Renji gritted his teeth. He should have known this was coming. So many years ago, when he'd first learned Zabimaru's name, the chimera had forced him to look deep into his own heart, to the place that no man wanted to admit existed. And this was nothing so simple as a name - it was the bankai, the final form. It would be far harder. "Just ask what you really want, Zabimaru. Neither of us play games well."
"Really?" He could almost imagine the chimera's snake-tail lashing. "Is that so. You made a good attempt at it earlier."
"No, I--"
"No, you what? I'm always with you, Renji. I heard the words you spoke to Rukia. And I also know what you were really feeling when you said them."
"Screw you!" Renji shouted. His eyes were so tightly shut now that sparks of color danced in the darkness of his vision. All pretence of meditation was gone.
"Open your eyes, Renji. What are you afraid of? Are we not one?"
Renji shook his head, his teeth bared, his hands coming up to his forehead. The muscles of his arms burned with acid exhaustion. How stupid he'd been, to think that finding Zabimaru's final release would be a matter of fearless training. He'd heard what Ichigo had gone through, now. But that was the difference between them, wasn't it? Renji didn't fear battle, or pain, or death. Ichigo was young, and inexperienced. Ichigo did fear those things.
But alternatively, what Renji feared - what Renji didn't want to see within himself - Ichigo had either already made his own peace with, or never had lurking in his heart to begin with.
"Strength is weakened by fear," Renji said. It came out half as a moan. He didn't remember what instructor had said it, even, but the words burned.
"Then what are you afraid of?" Zabimaru demanded, his voice holding a hint of his battle roar.
For a long moment, Renji held his breath, fighting the desire to run, and the desire to let loose a roar of his own. "Her," he whispered.
"More!" Zabimaru shouted.
"I'm afraid of what I feel!"
"More!"
"I'm afraid that I'm a coward!" Renji was on his feet without even realizing when he'd stood. His eyes were open now, and he glared at the chimera.
"You ARE a coward!" Zabimaru taunted.
"Damn you!" Renji lunged for the chimera, his feet stumbling with uncharacteristic clumsiness. His hands closed on empty air.
"If you don't like what I say, catch me and force my silence."
Overwhelmed with anger and too many other emotions, Renji tried. He chased the taunting chimera through the forest, heedless of how many times he tripped over roots or was slapped across the face with branches. For hours, the chase continued, the chimera always just out of reach. Finally, Renji could run no more. He staggered, then fell to his knees, his breath coming in harsh gasps.
"Damn you," he whispered.
"I am you," Zabimaru answered. For a moment, his voice sounded almost gentle. "Name your fear, Renji. Become its master, instead of its slave."
"Weakness," Renji answered. Sweat dripped from his forehead onto the rich earth at his knees. "Cowardice. Rukia."
"It's a start," Zabimaru said. "Stand, Renji. Stand tall, and face your fear."
Aching, Renji pulled himself to his feet. Through sheer force of will, he straightened his back. He fixed Zabimaru with a defiant glare.
"You are a coward only if you run," Zabimaru said. "Welcome death. Welcome pain. Welcome life. They are all the same. Swallow them whole and roar your defiance! What you fear is what makes you strong, if you face it." The chimera's tail lashed. "Do you understand?"
Renji's voice was ragged, but he kept his head held high as he answered. "Yes."
"Then let us begin."
Renji lifted his burning arms to take up his zanpakuto.
Dawn was a long time in coming.