All of You
He was losing her in increments. That thought had caused Wyatt Logan to swipe one of the bottles of whiskey from the bunker's alcohol stash and stomp down the hallway towards his room. He slammed the door and slid down it's cool surface until his ass hit the floor. In less than a second he had the cap off and that amber liquid burning a fiery trail down his raw throat. He could feel the warmth of it hit his churning stomach and hoped it would calm the turmoil he found there. His laugh was bitter as he acknowledged that it would probably take more whiskey than the amount in this bottle, possibly more than the amount in the bunker, for that to occur. It had been six hours since he had lost one of his best friends to a bullet whose firing he had set into motion through his own actions. Those actions, his own stupid fucking actions, had already caused the loss, weeks ago, of his other best friend. His other best friend who just happened to be the love of his life.
His wedding ring glinted mockingly back at him from the shelf that he had stashed it on after Jessica kidnapped Jiya. After that, he hadn't been able to stand the feel of that broken promise circling his finger for a second longer. Couldn't bear to look down on the symbol of a lie that he wore on his left hand. Yet he hadn't been able to bring himself to truly get rid of it either. So there it sat, laughing at him. Reminding him that bringing Jessica to the bunker had resulted in the destruction of the only family he had left. Eliminating his one remaining chance at finding happiness.
Wyatt didn't know exactly when it happened but he was utterly, hopelessly, and irrevocably in love with Lucy Preston. And he had completely fucked everything up. Without knowing it, from the very first night he had met her, Wyatt had been gradually gathering up little pieces of her until one magical night in 1941, he had all of her. That moment had been so perfect. Happiness, desire, love, and peace, he had felt it all. Had believed that he would feel that every night for the rest of his life. That she was the rest of his life. Then they returned to the present and he had been losing her ever since.
He was haunted by those pieces. Haunted by the ghost of her, of all the bright shining parts of Lucy that he had collected. In those first few seconds after opening his eyes in the Mason Industries waiting room he had found her to be anxious, intelligent, and breathtakingly beautiful. Shortly after getting out of the Lifeboat for the first time he had added bossy and resourceful to what he knew of her. Hours later, locked in one of two small jail cells with her, he added compassionate, mesmerizing brown eyes, and several inches of unblemished alabaster skin to the small treasury of knowledge that was Lucy Preston.
Several months and missions later his trove of information had grown and leached out from its resting place in his mind to its new home in between the cracks of his battered and broken heart. Her fangirling over almost any historical figure they met. How right she looked in any era of clothing. Her extreme claustrophobia caused by a near death experience involving a car and a body of water. Her courage. She was the strongest most courageous person that he had ever met. Didn't matter if she was acting as an Allied spy in Nazi Germany or dragging him from the suicide mission of the Alamo, as with everything she did, Lucy dove right in with both hands. All of these pieces and parts of her had managed to glue his heart back together and somehow make it stronger.
Like an idiot, until he kissed her and felt her tremble against him as Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow looked on, he hadn't realized that she had found a place in his heart. That she was the one he had started to see in his dreams instead of Jess. And once he did, he locked those traitorous thoughts down and refused to consider the possibility of anything else. Friends. He repeatedly told himself that they were just friends but he never stopped collecting those pieces of her. Her knowledge on damn near every historical event. He found her brain to be as desirable as her body. The way she had used her knowledge of Harry Houdini to outsmart Flynn and rescue him and Rufus was a thing of beauty. No wonder the poor sap had fallen just a little bit in love with her. They all did. Robert Todd Lincoln, Ian Fleming, even Garcia fucking Flynn, fell in love with Lucy. Wyatt knew what he had walked in on in Chinatown. If that wasn't a man about to confess his undying love for a woman then he knew nothing. Of course, maybe he did know nothing. If he could have just admitted how he felt earlier perhaps he wouldn't have an aching void in his chest where his heart was supposed to be.
The bottle was almost empty but he had been correct, it wasn't enough. He was still conscious. Still perfectly aware of the fact that he had ruined everything. He had never deserved her to begin with, but, after the last few weeks, there was no way he could ever hope to earn her now. Lucy had always put everyone else first and after promising that she hadn't lost him he took off on her and put her last. And still she tried to give him her loyalty and friendship. She had convinced Jess to stay because it was what he told her he wanted. He got so caught up in his own pain and confusion that he gave no thought to how she felt. Christ, he had been so damn mad at her when she tried to set boundaries. Had viewed it as a betrayal when she stepped back and wasn't there for him in the same way she always was. Then, just that morning, he had hit her. It was an accident. He knew she didn't blame him but he blamed himself. He had been out of control and she had gotten hurt again. Even tonight when he told her that he loved her. He couldn't keep the words in any longer and if Rufus was out there somewhere, looking down on them, he wanted the other man to know that he was finally taking his advice. Except, in hindsight, confessing his feelings at that moment was just another selfish action. He felt better now that he had finally told her but he was afraid he had just hurt her more. Driven her further away. He wanted all of Lucy and he finally admitted it just when he realized that he had none of her.