Title: No Hero in Her Skies

By: Amanda

Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Ellie

Disclaimer: I don't own anything CSI…I just play with them. Usually they like it.

Summery: Jim Brass is plagued with dreams of a young girl… it's not like that

Completed: January 28, 2004

Jim Brass awoke again. The same image of a beautiful blonde was filling his head. He had had the dream again.

No, it was never that kind of dream. He had always preferred red heads.

This was sometimes a nightmare. It depended. But it always disturbed him, disturbed him enough to crawl into a liquor bottle. At the very least just take a little swim in one until he forgot. For how ever long.

This was Ellie.

What would happen if she knew?

There were various outcomes, various plots that lead to her finding out. But the gist was the same. She'd find out he wasn't her biological father. She'd know that the drunken cop wasn't her dad, just some sucker who got cornered by a cheating wife.

Would she be happy? Glad to be rid of the tired, old cop? Would she mourn the loss of this man? Would she care?

It's always the simple bombshell of "mom told me" and the intense stare of her blue eyes. Then the accusation; "Why didn't you?"

Is that remorse or venom?

In the dream she comes all the way back from Jersey to see him. On the same mid-night flight that had taken her away. She was back – waiting on his doorstep. There was no spit-welcome-stare-off, just wide blue eyes and even before hello, "mom told me." Her voice cracking with emotion.

All he can do is stare back at her, waiting for the other shoe to drop from his little girl's mouth.

"I…I think I know why you didn't," her voice barely strong enough for him to hear.

Tears were spilling again. He was never sure who's they were.

"Ellie…I…"

She'd cut him off. The blue stare reading him and finding the answers she needed. "Thank you Dad." He saw her cry then as she fell into his arms, granting him a parental embrace.

They'd go on into the house; her understanding the sacrifice he made and that he really does love her like a daughter. But most of all she would forgive him for not being the best father in the world. It really wasn't too late. They could still fix this.

But that was the dream.

The nightmare was far worse.

She would still be waiting. It was the end of a double and she had been waiting since the single.

Way to go Jim, never there when she needs you.

"Ellie," he was so surprised to see her. His heavy heart lifting by the real sight of her.

He never noticed how red and raw her blue eyes were; she was all done crying now. She simply rose to meet him and instead of the spit attack, she slapped him. Hard and strong. There was no misreading that.

She could slap him, spit at him, kill him and he'd never blame her for it. He deserved it.

"Mom told me," she bit, "How dare you keep that from me!"

She raged at him and he was helpless to defend himself. There was nothing to say.

"You kept me away from a father that would love me. Who would have been there for me. Who would have put me before his badge," she'd swipe at the gold tinted tin on his lapel. "You were a horrible farther and never loved me like he would have!"

As fast as she could lift his heart she could break it. But he still didn't have a defence.

"At least I'll never have to see you again Jim," she pushed past him, almost knocking him down and stormed away. Leaving him there, broken and alone, forever.

That was the one that ran through his sleep the most.

But he wasn't sure which one hurt more: the fantasy or the indubitable reality? He never wanted to think about that, he would rather seek the cold comfort found in a bottle. Southern Comfort actually. But even the liquor didn't haze her image because it was true what he told her. He always heard her – saw her too – when she wasn't around. Thinking and wishing that she was. Was it possible to be haunted by the ghosts of the living? Or was that the tight clench in his chest regret?

Why did he never tell her?

He was scared. Scared that he'd never hear her call him 'Dad' again. Even if she spit on his grave he'd want her to call him Dad. Longed for her to call him that simple three-letter word.

Jim Brass – a man who had stared at the business end of a gun numerous times was scared of a petite blonde. He was scared of forever losing his blue eyed girl, but was never man enough to work to keep her.

A/N: The episode "Ellie" made me fall in love with the character of Jim Brass, but being a daughter in, most of, Ellie's position I can't forgive him either. Or blame her.