It had been a month now since I left Laira, and despite my protestations of undying love when I left her, I was beginning to forget her face. But then again, it was the child she probably carried within her that I missed, not really her. I wondered if he be like Charlie. Would he look like Charlie, behave like Charlie? One thing was for sure. Whatever technology we gave that world, it wouldn't include guns. I wasn't going to lose my second child. I looked up to see Tech. Davis walking down the corridor to me...a nice woman, and one of Sam's friends. I liked her. I thought she liked me.
"Laura." I said, as I passed. She didn't stop. She just barely acknowledged me, and glared at me. A lot. I winced. If looks could kill, right now I'd be a smoking pile of ashes on the floor. And not for the first time today, either. Even Siler was upset at me. I'd never even realised Siler could get upset.
I walked into the rec. room, where Danny was playing chess against himself, trying to work out for the thousandth time a strategy to beat Teal'c. I bet he regretted ever teaching the big bald one to play. "Danny, "I asked, "why the hell is everyone looking at me like I'm a complete bastard?".
Without looking up from his game, he replied calmly, "Because you are a complete bastard, Jack.".
Well, that sort of threw me. I rarely hear Danny swear, and I know I can be a bastard, but I didn't expect my best friend to say it, out loud, calmly like that. He's supposed to fudge, ask what I'm talking about, explain things, not sit there like he doesn't care.
"What?".
"You heard me. You are a complete bastard. A complete, total and utter bastard. In fact, I don't think the word's strong enough for you, but I can't think of a worse one right now.". He said it calmly enough, but he was shaking just a little. Danny doesn't like confrontation, but he was starting an argument with me. I couldn't understand.
"Danny, are you going to tell me why....".
"Sam." he said, getting up, and moving away. I went cold. Sam was a subject I didn't want to discuss. "You've treated her like dirt ever since you got back. You're demanding, you argue with her...".
"I was always like that with Carter!".
"No, you were never spiteful before, and you are now, Jack. And you were never cold before either, and you are now. Everything you say or do hurts her, and you never even notice, do you?". His voice was beginning to rise, and I could see that Danny was getting really really angry...and there was no alien virus to blame it on this time. "She worked so hard to get you back. When everyone else gave up, she carried on. You have no idea the scale of what she achieved to get t you back. She built a particle beam generator, for crying out loud! She achieved the impossible, yet again, for you, and you haven't even had the grace to say thank you!".
"Danny....".
"No! Not Danny. That's what my friends call me. You call me Dr. Jackson from now on, do you understand? I don't wish to be friends with a hard-hearted, selfish cold bastard like you!". He was shaking, but by now, so was I. Not with anger. I was...upset. I know I've never acted like it, not to his face anyway, but Danny is my best friend, practically my brother, and I really don't have many close friends.
"Daniel, I'm sorry I...". "No." he was calm again. "Sorry isn't good enough any more. Look Jack, I know you left a woman you claimed to love back on that planet. But you said you loved Sara too, once. How much of that love is based on your need to have a child, and how much on the woman herself? No, don't answer that. But I can tell you this. Sam is my friend. In a way, I love Sam. But since you came back, you've acted like she's nothing to you, and that hurts her, which upsets Teal'c and I. You should put things right, or you won't have any friends left.".
He left, and I sank down on the chair by the table.
I had loved Sam once. I tried so hard not to. I mean, lets face it, its a relationship doomed to failure. Come on, she's hardly going to risk a career for a romance with a battered, old, cynical soldier who can't think of anything profound to say when he's about to die. And even if she temporarily lost her sanity, and did decide that for some strange reason she wanted me, I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't let her destroy her life and career that way.
I thought I'd covered it all up okay. But obviously I hadn't. I could feel myself watching her, smiling at her, getting jealous of Marty and Narim..okay guys in their own way, and probably a lot better for Sam then I was.
And I realised I was giving out little signals. Actually, rather big signals, since Janet had sat me down one night and told me she knew I loved Sam, what the hell was I going to do about it? I told her that since Sam didn't love me, not a lot (after about two hours trying to deny it. That woman is STUBBORN). She said Sam had no idea how she felt, and I shouldn't make assumptions.
And I didn't. But I knew what was best for Sam, and it sure as hell wasn't me. I decided to step back from Sam, be a little more distant, before something happened that she would regret.
Alright, so now I'm really thinking about it, and thinking, if that's true,she must have known I loved her when I left. She must have been expecting me to love her when I came back. Instead, I brushed her off, with barely a thank you, invited another woman home. I must have confirmed what Jonas had taught her....never trust any man who claims he loves you.
And while I'm thinking clearly for once, how about admitting I wanted to bring Laira back not only for the child, but as a shield between me and Sam?
I mean, Laira was there, and I was lonely, and Laira was always so insistent, and I was drunk, and yeah, it felt good to be wanted, and needed for the first time in forever. I'd never felt like Sam needed me, wanted me, but I'm not blaming her. Sam's always been so damned self-sufficient. Laira was so dependent on me. It made me feel...special.
She built a particle generator to get me back?
Damnit, Danny, and the rest of the base were right. I really was a bastard. But I had no idea how to fix things. I laid my head on my arms, in the desk,and groaned very loudly.
"Laura." I said, as I passed. She didn't stop. She just barely acknowledged me, and glared at me. A lot. I winced. If looks could kill, right now I'd be a smoking pile of ashes on the floor. And not for the first time today, either. Even Siler was upset at me. I'd never even realised Siler could get upset.
I walked into the rec. room, where Danny was playing chess against himself, trying to work out for the thousandth time a strategy to beat Teal'c. I bet he regretted ever teaching the big bald one to play. "Danny, "I asked, "why the hell is everyone looking at me like I'm a complete bastard?".
Without looking up from his game, he replied calmly, "Because you are a complete bastard, Jack.".
Well, that sort of threw me. I rarely hear Danny swear, and I know I can be a bastard, but I didn't expect my best friend to say it, out loud, calmly like that. He's supposed to fudge, ask what I'm talking about, explain things, not sit there like he doesn't care.
"What?".
"You heard me. You are a complete bastard. A complete, total and utter bastard. In fact, I don't think the word's strong enough for you, but I can't think of a worse one right now.". He said it calmly enough, but he was shaking just a little. Danny doesn't like confrontation, but he was starting an argument with me. I couldn't understand.
"Danny, are you going to tell me why....".
"Sam." he said, getting up, and moving away. I went cold. Sam was a subject I didn't want to discuss. "You've treated her like dirt ever since you got back. You're demanding, you argue with her...".
"I was always like that with Carter!".
"No, you were never spiteful before, and you are now, Jack. And you were never cold before either, and you are now. Everything you say or do hurts her, and you never even notice, do you?". His voice was beginning to rise, and I could see that Danny was getting really really angry...and there was no alien virus to blame it on this time. "She worked so hard to get you back. When everyone else gave up, she carried on. You have no idea the scale of what she achieved to get t you back. She built a particle beam generator, for crying out loud! She achieved the impossible, yet again, for you, and you haven't even had the grace to say thank you!".
"Danny....".
"No! Not Danny. That's what my friends call me. You call me Dr. Jackson from now on, do you understand? I don't wish to be friends with a hard-hearted, selfish cold bastard like you!". He was shaking, but by now, so was I. Not with anger. I was...upset. I know I've never acted like it, not to his face anyway, but Danny is my best friend, practically my brother, and I really don't have many close friends.
"Daniel, I'm sorry I...". "No." he was calm again. "Sorry isn't good enough any more. Look Jack, I know you left a woman you claimed to love back on that planet. But you said you loved Sara too, once. How much of that love is based on your need to have a child, and how much on the woman herself? No, don't answer that. But I can tell you this. Sam is my friend. In a way, I love Sam. But since you came back, you've acted like she's nothing to you, and that hurts her, which upsets Teal'c and I. You should put things right, or you won't have any friends left.".
He left, and I sank down on the chair by the table.
I had loved Sam once. I tried so hard not to. I mean, lets face it, its a relationship doomed to failure. Come on, she's hardly going to risk a career for a romance with a battered, old, cynical soldier who can't think of anything profound to say when he's about to die. And even if she temporarily lost her sanity, and did decide that for some strange reason she wanted me, I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't let her destroy her life and career that way.
I thought I'd covered it all up okay. But obviously I hadn't. I could feel myself watching her, smiling at her, getting jealous of Marty and Narim..okay guys in their own way, and probably a lot better for Sam then I was.
And I realised I was giving out little signals. Actually, rather big signals, since Janet had sat me down one night and told me she knew I loved Sam, what the hell was I going to do about it? I told her that since Sam didn't love me, not a lot (after about two hours trying to deny it. That woman is STUBBORN). She said Sam had no idea how she felt, and I shouldn't make assumptions.
And I didn't. But I knew what was best for Sam, and it sure as hell wasn't me. I decided to step back from Sam, be a little more distant, before something happened that she would regret.
Alright, so now I'm really thinking about it, and thinking, if that's true,she must have known I loved her when I left. She must have been expecting me to love her when I came back. Instead, I brushed her off, with barely a thank you, invited another woman home. I must have confirmed what Jonas had taught her....never trust any man who claims he loves you.
And while I'm thinking clearly for once, how about admitting I wanted to bring Laira back not only for the child, but as a shield between me and Sam?
I mean, Laira was there, and I was lonely, and Laira was always so insistent, and I was drunk, and yeah, it felt good to be wanted, and needed for the first time in forever. I'd never felt like Sam needed me, wanted me, but I'm not blaming her. Sam's always been so damned self-sufficient. Laira was so dependent on me. It made me feel...special.
She built a particle generator to get me back?
Damnit, Danny, and the rest of the base were right. I really was a bastard. But I had no idea how to fix things. I laid my head on my arms, in the desk,and groaned very loudly.