A/N: I've been having some trouble writing recently, partly because of time constraints and partly because of other things, and to try to combat that I decided to read Secession again, from start to finish. I was a little surprised to find that it took me four days reading nonstop, but I was more surprised to find that I still wasn't ready for Sun Ce to die. It felt like I was falling in love with his character all over again, rereading it, and his death was harder than I was expecting.
After thinking about that for a night, I decided that, while Secession ends right where it needs to, the love story I tried to build doesn't have to stop. I don't think I have it in me to write another Secession, but I did write this: a short glimpse into the life I'd like to envision for Zhou Yu and Sun Ce, after. Enjoy.
Pairing: Zhou Yu x Sun Ce. Mild alternate universe.
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After
Zhou Yu was not asleep, but he was dreaming. Leaning back in the chair at his bedroom desk, eyes closed and task surrendered for a moment to contemplation, the darkness had become another place—a place he knew but couldn't name, a place he saw sometimes when he closed his eyes. He had followed the shadowed corridors of muted stone many times into the folds of his mind, but they never seemed to go anywhere, no matter how long he walked. Once he had glimpsed a garden from an open window and once he had pushed back a door in the wall and found a room full of sunlight, heavy with the scent of crabapple blossoms—but as soon as he saw these things, they vanished, and he found himself blinking at the white wall, the vision rolling back under a car horn or a siren going by beneath his third-floor window.
He didn't know why, but somehow he got the feeling that something was missing from this world his mind constructed when he closed his eyes—the center was empty, and so the world had become disconnected at its edges, changing dimensions in the darkness. He wondered how he knew that and he wondered what was missing, but most of the time he just wondered what he was seeing, and how a place he'd never been could seem so familiar and yet so incomplete, and somehow inexplicably sad.
In spite of how little sense it made to him, Zhou Yu didn't like to be disturbed when he was seeing that other world, when he was navigating the labyrinth that may or may not have truly had an end. But recently there was one disturbance that he'd discovered he didn't mind so much—one voice he didn't mind waking up to.
"Hey, sleepyhead—still working?"
Slowly, as though the weight of that other world had become a curtain drawn across his mind, Zhou Yu opened his eyes, feeling the warmth of two tan hands coming to rest on his shoulders. The dark-haired twenty-four-year-old tipped his head back and looked up into two bright amber eyes, reading their familiar sparkle and the laugh lines around that unstoppable smile, the smile he had been unable to get out of his head since the first time it blazed his direction. Sun Ce grinned and Zhou Yu leaned back under his hands, captivated in spite of himself by the movement of warm spring light in his companion's eyes.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
Sun Ce rolled his eyes, laughing a little as he poked his roommate's cheek. "Looked to me like you were taking a nap. Come on—I think somebody needs a break."
Zhou Yu didn't feel like he had known Sun Ce long enough for that statement to be as familiar as it was, to be almost expecting it before he opened his mouth. But he dismissed that feeling with a shake of his head, directing his gaze reluctantly back to the scatter of papers that had put him in this desk in the first place.
"I was just resting my eyes."
"That was kind of my point," the young man told him, massaging his shoulders. The simple, carefree motion startled him a little, and without feeling himself move Zhou Yu found that he was watching that cheerful face again, the notes in longhand for another research paper losing their already minimal pull on his attention. Sun Ce folded his arms across Zhou Yu's shoulders, tipping his head to one side so that he could keep eye contact, and the motion spilled his chestnut ponytail down one shoulder, the tumbling strands trapped in a long crimson ribbon. "I got the gang rounded up—we're all going to the quad to play some Frisbee. How 'bout it—come along this time."
Zhou Yu meant to tell him that hanging out with "the gang" was not at the top of his list of good times, and that he really had little attachment to Sun Ce's generally loud and disruptive friends in the first place—but the ribbon distracted him, and without meaning to he reached up to run it through his fingers, brushing the imitation silk with the quiet pad of his thumb.
"Red today?" he asked.
Sun Ce nodded and Zhou Yu felt it all the way down in his bones. "Like it?"
"Yes," Zhou Yu said, without knowing why. Sun Ce laughed, turning his face until those pale fingers pressed against his cheek.
"Me, too." The young man smiled at him, the little smile that crinkled his nose, the one that Zhou Yu thought—though he wasn't sure—Sun Ce only smiled for him. "Red's my favorite color," he added.
Zhou Yu nodded. "I know." He couldn't think of any other way to say it, but he could tell those two words weren't enough to explain—weren't enough to convey how deeply he knew that, as though the knowledge had been a part of him even before they met.
For a moment nothing moved, and for Zhou Yu the only sound in the world was Sun Ce breathing, each soft exhale brushing his ear like a promise, or a distant memory. He could sense the young man's pulse through his cheek, and the tiny beat felt so good against his fingers that he couldn't help searching for it, sweeping his thumb softly against the beautiful unscarred skin. Sun Ce let the silence be for a few breaths, staring back into onyx eyes that were searching for something in their glowing amber opposites without knowing what it was. Then the young man stepped back and the spell broke around them, releasing the air to the laughter of college students passing below and the ceaseless rush of afternoon traffic.
"Come on—let's go. It's a beautiful spring day. You should be getting some sun—God knows you need it." One of Sun Ce's hands took hold of Zhou Yu's sleeve and tugged, and in spite of himself Zhou Yu stood up, feeling somehow that, regardless of the work left unfinished on his desk, it would be a mistake not to follow that hand wherever it led. Nonetheless he forced himself to fight a little, looking down at Sun Ce's smile with a small frown of his own.
"I have work to do." The familiar syllables felt strangely dry today, like they had turned to granite pebbles in his mouth—but his companion didn't notice or didn't care, stepping backward across the floor and drawing the history major after him.
"As far as I can tell, graduate students always have work to do," Sun Ce replied, but his eyes were teasing even as they narrowed with the accusation, one hand rising to poke Zhou Yu in the chest. "But every guidance counselor I've ever met says there's a lot more to the college experience than studying, and you have been sorely falling down on the job as far as the fun parts are concerned."
Zhou Yu rolled his eyes, the counterargument—an argument that was so natural by now he barely tasted it before he spoke—escaping from his lips. "I thought we agreed that I'd do all the hard work, and you'd do all the fun parts."
Sun Ce chuckled, but his hand stayed where it was, flattening out to rest, palm splayed, over his companion's heart. "I'm willing to share."
Zhou Yu didn't know if it was the words themselves or the emotion he couldn't place shining in those brilliant amber eyes, but something made his breath catch in his throat, and it took him a second to inhale again, the world a little dizzy from that moment without air.
To ground himself, Zhou Yu glanced back at his desk, letting the organized stacks of papers remind him how close to finished he actually was. Papers were tedious but they weren't difficult, and he was close enough that the whole exercise might be over if he gave it another hour. Finishing now meant not having to work later on in the evening, not having to wake up early for the third day in a row. He kept those things firmly in mind as he turned back to his companion's hopeful, expectant eyes.
"Willing or not, you should go without me," he said. Sun Ce pouted, but Zhou Yu continued before he could speak, raising one hand to forestall the protest. "You know for a fact, Sun Ce, that I am a lousy Frisbee player, and you'll have a lot more fun without me there to cream someone in the mouth."
That made his roommate laugh for real, and Zhou Yu tried to press the sound into the folds of his memory so it would echo in his mind, so he could hear it when he was spending a late night in the library or listening to the wind tossing and turning in the tree outside their window. Sun Ce shook his head, the lines of that captivating scarlet ribbon flickering against his neck.
"No way. You busting Lu Meng's lip was pretty much the highlight of my entire life, even if I did have to hear about it every lit class for the rest of the semester." Sun Ce grinned and Zhou Yu found that he was smiling, too, the corners of his lips lifting, as usual, in response to his companion's. Then the young man frowned, his amber eyes darkening just a little under the thread of an everyday argument. "And anyway, I warned you about that—using my full name. It's just Ce, remember? You're my best friend. You get to call me Ce and I get to call you—"
There was a feeling inside of Zhou Yu that had begun rushing like an ocean, like a tide rising steadily higher and higher, and suddenly it crashed into his ears and he reached forward and pulled Sun Ce into his arms, pressing the startled young man as hard as he could against his chest. One hand rose to cradle the back of Sun Ce's head, drawing him closer—if there was any closer—and Zhou Yu turned his face into that chestnut crown, closing his eyes against a feeling he couldn't fight any more than he could explain.
Sun Ce's free hand fisted into the back of his companion's shirt, surprise radiating from five clenched fingers—his other hand was trapped between them, and even though his sharp elbow was pressing into his stomach Zhou Yu didn't care, because through that hand he could feel Sun Ce's heartbeat pressed against him strong and warm, getting caught inside his ribcage as if it belonged there, as if there was a space it had been waiting to fill for a long time. Zhou Yu wanted that sound to stay inside of him, but he didn't know how to ask for that, so he just held it as close as he could, listening as every breath made Sun Ce's heart beat faster.
"Yu?"
The voice opened his eyes, and instantly he was aware of reality again, of the white office walls and his forgotten papers and the early afternoon sunlight pooling on the floor at their feet, shining like Sun Ce's hair streaming through his fingers. Zhou Yu stepped back hard, releasing the young man from his sudden embrace—but Sun Ce was not so ready to let go, and he dug his fingers into the sleeves of Zhou Yu's white button-down, staring up at his silent roommate with curiosity and something Zhou Yu couldn't read.
"Hey. You okay?" Sun Ce asked.
Zhou Yu shook his head, turning toward the window to hide the thoughts in his dark gaze. "Sorry. I just…" He trailed off, uncertain of the words, until Sun Ce shook him lightly, the simple motion bringing their eyes back together like they were magnets, like they were stars wheeling on intersecting courses, like there was no amount of distance that could stand between them. Zhou Yu bit the inside of his cheek. "Sometimes I just get this feeling that…" He shook his head again, his voice skirting a whisper that Sun Ce leaned up to hear. "That I should never let you go."
Only as Sun Ce's eyes widened did Zhou Yu realize what a strange thing that was to say to someone, especially when he couldn't explain the feeling to himself, and he took another step back, pulling away from those warm hands entirely this time. He raised both of his own and pressed his fingers against his eyes, blocking out the sight of his roommate's astonished face and taking a moment to struggle with his composure, willing reason back into his mind.
"Sorry," he repeated, dropping his hands as he turned around to face the desk, his pulse pounding in his temples. "It's been a long day. Ah… you should probably…" He gestured toward the door over one shoulder, his other hand rising to rub his forehead. "Everyone will be waiting for you, so—"
He was cut off by Sun Ce starting to laugh—a surprised little laugh that spilled from his lips like summer rain, as unexpected and beautiful as the smile on his face as the young man leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Zhou Yu's shoulder, laughing into the stiff line of his back. Sun Ce shook his head and Zhou Yu turned to catch sight of his companion's glowing face, careful not to disrupt the soft brown hair on his white shirt with the little movement.
"Well, that… that'd be okay with me," Sun Ce said, as their eyes locked together. "If you never let go."
The young man turned his face into Zhou Yu's shirt, but all the same his companion could see that his cheeks were flushed. Zhou Yu caught himself thinking that Sun Ce had never been the type to blush before—whenever before was—but he thought he liked the color, the way it made him press closer, the way it made his whole face shine. Zhou Yu looked down into two amber eyes that were shimmering with the sunlight and his laughter and something else, something deeper, and knew that someday—someday not very far in the future—he was going to pull Sun Ce close one more time and this time he was going to kiss him, and that when he did he would never have to breathe again, all of the loose ends and jagged edges inside of him made instantly, perfectly whole.
Sun Ce laughed for a long moment—almost endless to Zhou Yu and the breath barely entering his overstretched lungs—but at last the young man pulled back, running a sheepish hand through the strands of his off-kilter ponytail. "Oops… guess I kind of left everybody in the lurch downstairs. I really gotta get going…" He hesitated, and then laughed again, hope overcoming self-consciousness as he gestured toward the door. "You sure you don't want to come? You can be on my team."
That was the way Zhou Yu would have preferred it, but it didn't really matter—he knew himself well enough to know that in that moment, no matter what the circumstances, he was powerless to do anything but follow Sun Ce anywhere, to chase that bright red ribbon wherever it led, even if he didn't know why. He swallowed and found an answer on his tongue.
"All right. Just today."
On the inside, Zhou Yu was shaking his head at himself, at the discipline that should have kept him solidly in his chair until his paper was finished—but the rebuke was fleeting at best, because Sun Ce's eyes had lit up with a sparkle his roommate hadn't known they were missing, and focusing on anything else had become impossible. Sun Ce was like that sometimes.
"Really? Awesome! We were short a player anyway, 'cause Lu Xun's hiding away in the library. Project or something… I swear that kid's like a miniature you."
Zhou Yu rolled his eyes at the half-hearted criticism, moving past his roommate to reach the closet. He pulled out the tennis shoes that were resting just inside the shadow of the door and slipped them on with one hand, using the other to bind his long hair into a quick ponytail—then he straightened to find Sun Ce's cheerful gaze on his face, the young man bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"All set? In that case, let's…"
Sun Ce lifted his hand, and then pulled it back, and for a moment it hung awkwardly between them, frozen with his indecision—then he breathed out and grabbed Zhou Yu's hand, turning for the door before his roommate could catch more than a glimpse of the flush that was spreading to the tips of his ears. Sun Ce wound their fingers together and Zhou Yu had to catch his breath, which was hard to do because his companion had started running, the door to their room banging closed behind them as that bright red ribbon and the hand that had always been so damn warm led him through the halls and then down the stairs—and Zhou Yu realized that he didn't have his keys but didn't care, because Sun Ce was looking back at him over one shoulder, blinding him with that bright, beautiful, unbreakable smile and the laughter that was so perfect in his ears.
"Let's go get 'em, Yu! We'll make sushi out of that old fish—what do you say?"
Zhou Yu didn't say anything. He just smiled. And followed, as he'd always done.