A/N: Hello there!
This is my first fanfiction in English, and the only one I have completed so far. English is not my first language so I apologize if there is any mistakes. I tried to do my best, and I would be grateful for any comments on what I can fix so it's better. This is the first part of a two-shot, so if people seem to like it, I'll post the second part in a few weeks.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I'm not JK Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, things would have been very different and it wouldn't have ended the way it did. Alas, it's not like that and we can only be grateful for the amazing world that Rowling gave to us.
I hope you enjoy this reading!
It's like a green sea. The wind made the grass resemble the waves of an ocean, and the lake increased the effect even more. The darkness of the night combined with the soft light of the stars helped to add to the illusion, creating ripples on the waves. The beauty of it made him want to jump even more, to the disappear on the bottom of the seemingly water. Just let everything go and fly through the air with the wind surrounding him like nothing else mattered in the world. It was already pushing him, off the edge and closer to the ground, and for a second he considered letting go of the railing so gravity could take over. He just had to loosen up his grip on it. But then the wind calmed down and the moment passed, leaving him empty inside.
That was the way he had been feeling lately, ever since he came back all he knew was the emptiness that went with him everywhere. It was as if he had really died that day and came back to a body that was already dead. The only time he ever felt alive now was when he dreamed of falling, getting so close to death he could almost touch it. But even then, sometimes it wasn't enough, just like tonight. Harry sighed, looking wistfully to the ground under him before shaking his head and climbing over the railing and to the questionable safety of the Astronomy Tower only to freeze in fright. He could only see the sharp grey eyes before the person turned around and fled when he realized that he had been caught, but it was more than enough.
Harry was shaking, and it wasn't because of the cold night. No, it was from the fear and anger of getting caught, after all the precautions that he had taken so that his friends never knew what he did, it was all blown away because he had let himself get caught by him. He was sure by tomorrow all Hogwarts would know, crowding him with their incessant question. He could see the Prophet, all the money they would make. Their savior, The-Man-Who-Won, to commit suicide. An his friends, the disappointed stares and the hurt and worry they would feel. The feelings were threatening to overcome him, and it was then he realized he was feeling something. It was this what made him calm down, and think about what he could do in order to avoid it. Except that the sun was coming up and his panic attack had made him lose the only opportunity he had to save himself.
Harry growled, frustration filling him and then he just dropped his shoulder in resignation. It was already too late, and really the only option now was to hide until everybody had forgotten about him. It was with this thought that he finally came out of the tower heading down to the kitchens, avoiding the odd morning person and professors that were headed to the Great Hall. It was not really that hard, as it was what he had been doing all year so far. As usual, his plate was already waiting for him in the little table in the corner that the elves had placed for him. The little creatures greeted him cheerfully and went back to working making everything ready for breakfast. He chewed slowly in his toast, already feeling the emptiness taking over his body and leaving him only with the memory of emotions. Still, he could sense that something was different, even if he could not quite figure it out what. All the rest of the day was the same, being like an outsider and letting his body go through the motions as if he had no control over it. He did notice that no one was paying more attention to him than usual, which left him a little confused. Ron and Hermione were trying once more to get him into a conversation but his mind was too troubled for him to humor them.
Turning around the corner in the way of his next class, he almost ran over Malfoy. Instead, the blonde sneered down at him, as if he found him pathetic. And he probably did look like that, especially when those cold grey eyes pierced him.
"Watch where you are going, Potter" Malfoy drawled "We wouldn't want you to get hurt would be."
Harry had to fight with himself to not let his distress show at those words, dreading that anyone would understand their meaning, but he wasn't sure he was succeeding in it. Indeed, he could see his pale reflection on one of the armours and the sight of him almost shaking in fear and cowering made anger shoot through him. Ron was already drawing out his wand and Hermione looked ready to let out one of his diatribes, but Harry was faster than any of them, suddenly straightening up and looking down at Malfoy.
"Why, Malfoy, that sounds like a threat to me. Are you implying that you could take me down? You really must think high of yourself".
Time seemed to stop, and Harry couldn't tell who was more surprised, him from actually standing up, his friends who hadn't been able to draw a reaction out of him or Malfoy who hadn't expected him to fight back. Malfoy smirked a little as if he was amused at the comeback, but there seemed to be a glint of respect in his eyes as he gave a little nod admitting the defeat. No matter his behavior these past months, the magical world still held him in high regard and no one could deny that he was very powerful even if he did not show it. It would be foolish of Malfoy to attack him, and he would be facing several charges, especially taking into account that his family didn't have a lot of support currently. Malfoy didn't say any other word as he walked past them, making sure to push Harry with his shoulder at the last second and disappearing before they could do anything. All the confidence Harry had seemed to gather went way with Malfoy, leaving him back to his hunched form and the emptiness that never went away.
After that it became a common occurrence, the daily verbal fights that could make him react in a way he had almost forgotten. It also made him more aware of his surroundings, instead of going through his day as if it wasn't real. Ron and Hermione had tried to question him but he hadn't know how to answer them so they just enjoyed the movements on which he was aware enough to hold a conversation. Most of the time though he was still unresponsive, and still dreaming of falling. He went back after some days to the Astronomy Tower, after it had became clear that Malfoy hadn't told anyone about that night. That was something he didn't understand, but Malfoy always did what you would least expect. Ever since the war ended, he had changed. Oh, he was still the same pompous prat he was before, but he wasn't as harsh now nor did he seem so prejudiced. War could really change people, he guessed. No matter what, he still treated him and his friend with the same contempt than before, even if he didn't seem to hold any hate behind his words.
The wind was ruffling his hair, making it even more messy if that was possible. He itched to go over the railing and feel it more freely, getting so close to falling he could almost sense it, but something was making him stop. He clenched his hands over the metal, his eyes fixed on the ground under the Tower.
"Are you going to stand there all night?" Harry was caught off guard by the loudness of his voice, but didn't let it show.
"It depends, do you intend to spend that long in here?"
Harry turned around to face the owner of the voice. Malfoy was leaning against one of the walls, looking at his nails like he didn't care about the answer. Harry was not fooled, he had sense the blonde following him this time. He didn't bother answering and just went back to looking at the night, both of them saying nothing to the other and just standing there in silence. Harry finally decided that it was time to leave, and Malfoy didn't even twitch when he glared at him.
This routine continued for a few days, during the day the mandatory verbal sparring, paying attention to his friend for at least some minutes and then going to the Astronomy Tower where Malfoy was always waiting. They usually didn't talk, but sometimes they did reflect on the war and the past. Harry found it strangely refreshing, it was as if everybody else was afraid to even mention those who had passed away, but Malfoy had no reservations about that. Harry could just be himself around him, as weird as it sounded. He didn't have to try to be who he wasn't with him, and Malfoy never questioned why his behavior was so erratic. He also never mentioned his suicide attempts, sensing that it was something he did not want to talk about. Some days were especially bad, where he was completely unresponsive, leaving it up to Hermione and Ron to make sure he wasn't starving himself, and to Malfoy that he didn't jump. But in the end, Malfoy presence in his life became a common occurrence, making him stay aware more than he usually was and even sometimes having brief moments were Malfoy could draw a smile out of him.
That's why when he didn't show up one night, he was surprised by how much it affected him. The following days, Malfoy still wasn't there, and he couldn't find him in the Marauders Map. Feeling like a fool and hurt, he went into a depression and closed off, just like he had been before. Only this time instead of emptiness he could feel all his emotions bottled up but compressed in the back of his mind and they leaked through the barriers he had built up somehow. It only got worse one evening after a fight with Ron, where he ended up reaching his limit and leaving the common room. Not even thinking about it, he ended up back at the Astronomy Tower and over the railing, only a step away from jump. His mind went calm at last and he could enjoy the freedom of the air around him once again. He had forgotten how liberating it could feel, the exhilaration of being so close to the edge you can almost taste it. And for once, he really considered doing it. His friends could go on without him, they had been doing fine so far and he was just a burden on them. Even Ron had said so just a few moments ago, it wouldn't make a difference if he wasn't ther. And Malfoy obviously didn't want him, he was sure he had run away from him and all his problems. Who would want him anyways? His uncle had been right all along, he was just an unlovable freak. The ground was calling to him, and just as a new wave of wind pushed against him, he loosened his grip on the railing and jumped.
A/N That all for now! How will it end?