Disclaimer: This comedy bit comes from Chris Rock's excellent piece entitled "No Sex In the Champagne Room". Phantom copyright all its respective owners from ALW to Leroux.
Based on ALW for fun-poking, but whatever. I'm a Leroux phangirl. Oneshot songphic. Not meant to be taken seriously, just for a laugh. An apology to Sarah Brightman phans.
No Sex In the Creepy Lair O' Music.
(A Songphic by beata-beatrix)
The stage is set for the graduation ceremony of L'Academie Nationale de la Musique/Opera Populaire/Opera Garnier/ Whatever-the-hell-it-was. Christine, Meg, Raoul, Madame Giry, the managers, Carlotta and Piangi are seated on stage. Erik hides behind a curtain. Reyer starts the orchestra playing Pomp and Circumstance. Granted the pomp of the circumstance, they had chosen a interesting guest speaker to give the commencement speech: The Authoress.
B-B:
May I have your attention please?
(taps mic)
Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class of 1899,
I have one piece of advice for you.
No matter what the Phantom tells you,
There's no SEX in his Creepy Lair O' Music.
NONE.
Oh, there's MUSIC in his Creepy Lair O' Music.
But you don't want music.
(points to rabid phangirls)
You want SEX.
And there's no SEX in Erik's Creepy Lair O' Music.
(she begins to walk toward Raoul)
Don't go to Masquerades without a weapon!
Sure it feels safe with the masks and all..
But whaddabout Red Death Erik pointing at you with a sword?
HE KNOWS YOU AIN'T GOT ONE!
(walks over to Christine and Madame Giry)
If a woman tells you she's 20, and looks 16,
Erik's her "tutor."
If she tells you she's 36, and looks 36,
(points at Madame Giry)
She's DAMN NEAR SIXTY!
(walks over to curtain and opens it, revealing a caught-off-guard Erik)
Take off that silly-ass mask!
(over to the managers)
The old O.G. couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes.
The Persian did some of that shit!
(back center stage, but motioning to Erik)
Young opera ghosts..
If you go to a performance,
And there's a foppish Vicomte in your box..
LET IT SLIDE.
Why spend the next 50 minutes
Watching him make out with your chick on the roof
'Cause someone was a bit lasso-happy?
(looks at phanfic writers)
ErikMeg fluff...Ain't nothing wrong with that!
(to entire audience)
No matter what you think of what I'm saying,
Remember this one thing:
There is no SEX in Erik's Creepy Lair O' Music.
(cues Orchestra, and Piangi begins to sing)
Piangi:
Oooh...No sex in the Phantom's Lair..
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
Cause there's absolutely positively
No Sex in the Lair O' Music!
B-B:
If an actor playing Erik
Has a cute little deformity
He hasn't been sticking to canon.
The REAL Erik is too scary
To have a nose.
(walks closer to ALW sitting off to the side)
If an ugly French Guy composes something
He'll probably make out with Sarah Brightman
If an ugly British Guy composes something
He'll probably make out with Sarah Brightman
(walks back to center stage)
Here's a horoscope for everyone!
(motions toward Joseph Bouquet and the Rat Catcher)
Aquarius!...You're getting punjabbed
Capricorn!...You're getting punjabbed
(motions toward Raoul)
Gemini!...You get punjabbed. TWICE.
(motions toward Erik)
Leo!...You're GONNA punjab.
(motions toward Philippe de Chagny who is toying with La Sorelli's tutu)
Scorpio!...You gonna get punjabbed fkin'!
(back to center stage, facing the audience)
NO ONE GOES TO SEE THE MUSICAL FOR "ACCURACY."
(to Christine)
If you've been "practicing" with a dude for 6 months
And you don't know what his face looks like..
He is NOT sent by your father!
(to entire watching and reading audience)
Some of the things I've said may not apply to you.
Some of the things I've said may offend you.
But no matter who you are, you MUST REMEMBER this one thing:
No matter what the Phantom tells you,
There is no SEX in his Creepy Lair O' Music.
NONE.
(back to Piangi and the orchestra)
Piangi:
Oooh...No sex in the Phantom's Lair..
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No,No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
No Sex in the Phantom's Lair
Erik can't get none..He can't get none!
Said in the Phantom's Lair!
Said there's absolutely positively
No Sex in the Lair O' Music!
Said Noo-ooo-oh!Noo-ooo-oh!
Said the Authoress..
Who also can't get none...
Noo-ooo-oh!
No Sex in the Lair O' Music!
B-B: NONE.
The lights and sounds return to normal, and the audience blinks for a second. Erik clenches his fists around catgut.
B-B: Umm...Bye!
She disappears through the gaping plothole from whence she came, but pops back through to pay the orchestra and Piangi for their services, huggle Erik while saying "SQUEE", high-five Meg, slap Christine, pull Raoul's hair, and kiss Nadir. Then she returns to her own little world.
Erik: So...who wants to "mount a protest" with me about this in my Lair O'Music!
Everyone at home and in the phic raises their hand.
Erik: (saucer eyes) Um...Wow.
THE END...I hope.