A little thing I came up with set just after 'Rising'. Hope you like.
Disclaimer: I own it not, but I did invent the questions. Which I probably stole from Holby City or Casualty.
A few medical questions
Carson sighed loudly.
"Please, it's just a few questions, why won't you answer them lass?"
"I do not understand what you are asking me Doctor, and I do not feel that I need answer so many questions. It was my belief that my people were trusted here on Atlantis."
"They're medical questions, it's nothing about trust, I just need to know some things."
Teyla watched him warily. At that moment, Elizabeth walked into the infirmary.
"Ah, Doctor Weir, I need your help."
"Why do you need my help?"
"I'm trying to get Teyla here to answer a few medical questions for my notes. You know, just in case."
"I see. Teyla, may I ask what the problem is?"
"I just do not see why I must answer so many questions."
"Doctor Beckett must ask everyone these questions, they are important so that he can treat you and your people if they are injured or sick. If you're really worried, why don't I get Doctor Beckett to ask me the questions first? Then you can see there's nothing to worry about."
Teyla nodded her head. Elizabeth smiled and sat down on the end of one of the beds. Carson took his chair and placed it next to the end of the bed. He was just about to ask the first question when Major Sheppard came in.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"I am completing a medical questionnaire for Doctor Beckett to show Teyla she has nothing to worry about."
John stood for a few seconds, and then seated himself on another bed nearby.
"Major?"
"What? I wanna hear this."
Elizabeth knew this was going to be a bad idea.
"Well, let's start with your full name."
"Elizabeth Sarah Weir."
She could see John smirking at her.
"Date of birth."
"Doctor…"
"You were the one that wanted to show Teyla she needed to answer the questions."
"Fine. May 20th, but you aren't getting the year, not as long as the Major is here."
Carson nodded and made a note of the date. John made a mental note of the date; he had a very good memory for dates.
"Position."
She heard Sheppard snigger, but chose to ignore him.
"Head of Atlantis Expedition."
"Good. Do you have any medical conditions, such as asthma, epilepsy, diabetes, etcetera?"
"No."
"Any allergies?"
"No."
"Blood group?"
"AB"
"Colour of underwear?"
"Black…Major Sheppard!"
Elizabeth glared across at Sheppard who just sat smirking.
"Come on, lighten up a little."
"You're not helping."
"When you two are finished, can I get back to the questions?"
John sat back on the bed, leaning against the wall, and crossed his arms. Elizabeth smoothed down her uniform and looked away from him.
"Continue."
"Right. Any family history of any medical conditions?"
"My sister has asthma and one of my uncles has epilepsy. That's all I can remember for definite."
"Have you ever had an operation?"
"I had my tonsils out when I was 12."
"Have you ever had any plastic surgery?"
"No."
"Do you think anyone on this expedition is hot?"
"Well, I think Maj…would you stop it!"
Elizabeth glared at him, but she felt a slight blush rise in her cheeks.
"Major, if you don't stop it, I will ask you to leave."
"Sorry."
Elizabeth knew he wasn't.
"Are you currently married or in a relationship?"
"I was in a relationship on Earth."
"Did your partner have any contagious medical conditions?"
"I hope not. I don't think so."
"Have you or your partner had a close relationship with anyone else recently?
"Carson, is this entirely necessary?"
"Okay, we can skip those questions. You see this is why I wanted it just to be between the person I was talking to and me. Ever heard of patient confidentiality Major?"
"If it was that important, you would have asked me to leave straight away."
Carson was going to argue, but he realised Sheppard was right.
"Let's just get on with this. Doctor Weir, have you recently suffered from any illnesses?"
"I had a bit of a cold when we were in the Antarctic, but then again, so did nearly everyone else."
"Did you visit a doctor for any reason prior to coming to Atlantis?"
"No."
"Are you on any medication?"
"Depends, does the Pill count as medication?"
It was time for Elizabeth to watch John squirm a little.
"What's wrong Major? You are a trained soldier, prepared for anything. You've faced the Wraith and lived. Are you trying to tell me that you get uncomfortable at talk of periods?"
John glared at her for a second, but couldn't keep eye contact for long. She was his boss; he really didn't want to hear these kinds of things.
Carson looked up at Elizabeth and winked. He was going to use this to get back at the obnoxious Major.
"That's a point lass. When are you next due on your period?"
"I should stop taking my tablets in about a week, so I should be on my period in around 10 days."
"Do you normally start around 3 days after you stop taking your pills?"
"About that."
John jumped off the bed.
"I think I should let you people get on."
With that he practically ran out of the infirmary. Elizabeth and Carson looked at each other and burst out laughing. Teyla sat to one side looking very confused.
"Sorry about that Doctor Weir, I just wanted to get back at him so badly."
"It's alright, I have nothing to hide on that account. I am a woman and proud of it. Besides, it is a universal way to get a man to stop hassling you, just mention about the Pill or periods and they run a mile."
Teyla came around so she was stood next to them. Carson stood up and smiled at her.
"See lass, that wasn't too bad, was it?"
"I am afraid Doctor Beckett I am unsure as to the meaning of many of those questions. I am very unsure as to what you used to make Major Sheppard so uncomfortable."
"Carson, you did explain what you were asking didn't you? We are from a different planet in a different galaxy."
"I forgot about that."
Elizabeth sighed and shook her head. She jumped down off the bed and walked around to Teyla.
"I don't think these questions are entirely necessary. Would it be possible for Doctor Beckett to run a few medical tests on some of your people, just to get an idea of your peoples health and well being."
"Of course Doctor Weir."
"Thank you Teyla."
Teyla bowed her head and left. Carson turned to face Elizabeth.
"Are you sure that was such a good idea?"
"Do you want to try and explain what epilepsy and blood groups are?
"It's a point."
"Good. Talk to Teyla later about getting some of her people together. Now, I did come in here for a reason, do you think you could help me with something?"
"Of course lass, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, I just wondered if you had any cold and flu remedies. I still feel a little under the weather."
"When will people learn? All that needs is plenty of fluids and rest."
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at him.
"Carson, don't make me order you."
"And don't make me keep you in the infirmary in isolation just to make sure you're not contagious."
Elizabeth glared, but she knew he was right.
"Fine. Once I've finished the reports, checked everyone else's, filed them, read tomorrows reports and completed the rest of the paperwork, then I'll get some sleep."
"Good. And drink plenty of fluids, but not tea or coffee."
"You just want me to keel over don't you?"
"Not particularly, then who'd be in charge?"
"A good point. I'd best get started them hadn't I?"
"Yep."
Elizabeth sighed and left the infirmary. Carson could already see that Elizabeth was an intelligent and very capable woman. He had a feeling they were going to get along quite well.
As for Major Sheppard, he could already see a troublemaker there. Things were going to be very interesting. Carson just prayed that it would be a while before he had Sheppard in his infirmary longer than those 10 minutes or things could get quite ugly. After all, you didn't want to cross a man with that much medication at his disposal, no telling what he would inject you with. Carson smiled to himself, he knew exactly where the laxatives were if things got really out of hand. He knew it probably went against a whole host of moral rules, but he would love to see the look on someone's face if he used them. The look on Major Sheppard's face would probably be priceless.
Carson began to wonder where his camera was.