WELCOME TO...
FAIRY TALE COURT!!
STARRING:
SANTA CLAUS as THE ACCUSED
EASTER BUNNY as THE ACCUSED
TOOTH FAIRY as THE WITNESS
SANDMAN as THE OTHER WITNESS
SNOW WHITE as THE PROSECUTOR ATTORNEY
CINDERELLA as THE BAILIFF
SHREK as THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY
DONKEY as THE JUDGE and
LITTLE BILLY as THE ACCUSER
OPENING SCENE:
SETTING: The courtroom
SCENE: Fairy Tale Court is just about to open for the day with the most interesting case in a while—Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are being accused of unlawfully breaking and entering without a permit and leaving unidentified objects in Little Billy's house.
DONKEY: Order in the court! Order in the court! bangs gavel (to himself) How did I get picked for this??
people are still talking
CINDERELLA: (screaming) He said, order in the court!!!! Shaddup!!!!!
room falls silent
DONKEY: Oooooooooooooo...kaaaaaaaayyyyy...then... Moving on! Bailiff, present the case.
CINDERELLA: stands Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have been charged with the crime of breaking and entering without a permit, and leaving unidentified objects.
JURY: collectively gasps in shock and starts murmuring
DONKEY: bangs gavel Be quiet, people! Man, after this, I'm makin' waffles!
SHREK: Donkey! Outside!! Now!!!
DONKEY: But I'm the judge, man!
SHREK: Oh. pauses Carry on.
SANTA CLAUS: May I have some gingerbread cookies, please?
SNOW WHITE: (harshly) You don't get squat! You're the accused! So hush it and sit there!
SANTA: scowls Meanie.
EASTER BUNNY: She's got a point.
DONKEY: Hey! Did I give you permission to talk?! No! I don't think so!
CINDERELLA: stands Permission to call in the witnesses.
DONKEY: Permission granted. bangs gavel
door in back opens. TOOTH FAIRY and SANDMAN are escorted to their seats.
SNOW WHITE: stands My client Billy would like to call the Tooth Fairy to the witness stand.
CINDERELLA: escorts TOOTH FAIRY to witness stand Put your right hand on the book of Mother Goose.
TOOTH FAIRY: complies
CINDERELLA: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mother Goose?
TOOTH FAIRY: I do so swear.
CINDERALLA:sits back down
SNOW WHITE: walks over to witness stand Where were you on the night of July 24th of this year?
TOOTH FAIRY: I was at little Billy's house exchanging his right eye tooth for a quarter. What an excellent tooth it was! Nice and shiny and pearly—
SNOW WHITE: (hurriedly) That's very nice. Was there anything suspicious in Billy's house?
TOOTH FAIRY: Not until I heard the big bang downstairs.
SNOW WHITE: And what did you do when you heard the big bang downstairs?
TOOTH FAIRY: I just looked over the railing.
SNOW WHITE: And who did you see?
SHREK: Objection! She's leading the witness!
DONKEY: I approve that objection! Carry on!
SNOW WHITE: Did you see anything?
TOOTH FAIRY: Oh, no, deary. Just a little box with a bow and an Easter egg to boot.
JURY: starts murmuring
DONKEY: bangs gavel Silence, you fools! to SNOW WHITE Carry on with your questions.
SNOW WHITE: That's all my questions, your honor.
DONKEY: Does the defending side have anything to ask?
SHREK: stands No questions, your honor. sits
CINDERELLA: escorts TOOTH FAIRY to her seat
SNOW WHITE: Billy would now like to call the Sandman to the witness stand.
CINDERELLA: escorts SANDMAN to witness stand Please place your right hand on the book of Mother Goose.
SANDMAN: obeys
CINDERELLA: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mother Goose?
SANDMAN: I do so swear.
CINDERELLA: Proceed with the questioning. sits
SNOW WHITE: walks to witness stand Where were you on the night of July 24th of this year?
SANDMAN: I was in Billy's room, putting him to sleep.
SNOW WHITE: Did you notice anything suspicious or out of place?
SANDMAN: yawns I noticed that the burglar alarm wasn't set, which was unusual, because Billy's parents always set it every night.
SNOW WHITE: Anything else?
SANDMAN: I also noticed two shadowy figures creeping away from the back door, where the alarm is.
SNOW WHITE: smiles with delight Can you describe these figures?
SANDMAN: Yes. One was big and round and the other was tall with big ears.
EASTER BUNNY: dismissively Coincidence.
DONKEY: I said sit there and be quiet!
EASTER BUNNY: Sorry.
SANTA CLAUS: Don't apologize to him! We've done nothing wrong!
DONKEY: Be quiet or I'll give you a time out! (To SNOW WHITE) Proceed with the questions.
SNOW WHITE: No more questions, your honor.sits
DONKEY: Does the defense attorney have any questions?
SHREK: Yes, your honor.walks to witness stand Sandman, are you positive that you weren't drunk and hallucinating?
SANDMAN: (outraged) Of course I wasn't!!
SHREK: Was this round figure wearing any accessories? A hat, perhaps?
SNOW WHITE: Objection! Leading the witness!
DONKEY: Objection overruled! Proceed.
SANDMAN: Well...he had no hat and very little hair.
SHREK: AHA! Santa wears a hat and has lots of hair! turns to DONKEY Permission to question the Tooth Fairy?
DONKEY: Whatever. But hurry up, 'cause I want some waffles.
CINDERELLA: escorts SANDMAN to his seat and leads TOOTH FAIRY to witness stand
SHREK: Ms. Fairy, are you sure you weren't so ecstatic over this molar—
TOOTH FAIRY: interrupts It was an eye tooth!
SHREK: -- over this wonderful eye tooth that you weren't hearing things?
TOOTH FAIRY: flabbergasted How dare you suggest such ridiculous thing! Of course I'm sure!
SHREK: No more questions, your honor.
DONKEY: Recess! Jury, make your final decision! 15 minutes, people! bangs gavel
CURTAIN CLOSES
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
THE SCENE: Recess is over, and court is slowly reassembling as the jury prepares to announce their verdict.
DONKEY: Okay, then, people. I mean, order in the court! court falls silent Bailiff!
CINDERELLA: Um, it's not my turn.
DONKEY: Right. Jur—
SANTA CLAUS: Can I please have some gingerbread cookies and milk?
DONKEY: For Pete's sake, give the man some cookies!
CINDERELLA: Right away, your honor. exits room. Reenters a few minutes later holding cookies and milk.
SANTA CLAUS: Goody gumdrops!
DONKEY: Anyways...jury, proceed.
JURYMAN: stands We, the jury, find the defendants, Santa Claus and Easter Bunny—
EASTER BUNNY: Hold it, buddy! Since he got his cookies, can I have some chocolate carrots?
CINDERELLA: No. Be quiet.
EASTER BUNNY: Now, that's now very fair. He got his snack, I should get mine!
DONKEY: This is a court, not a restaurant.
EASTER BUNNY: Yeah, and a court believes in fairness. So I should get my chocolate carrots and some carrot juice, too!
DONKEY: (very frustrated) Get him the food and let's move on with this thing already!
CINDERELLA: Sure thing. exits room. Comes back in a few minutes carrying aforementioned food)
EASTER BUNNY: Thanks!
DONKEY: Now be quiet! turns to juryman You were saying?
JURYMAN: We, the jury, find the defendants—
CINDERELLA: Wait!
DONKEY AND JURYMAN: (together and very exasperated) What now?!
CINDERELLA: Snow White is not present at the moment. All members of the court must be present at the time of the verdict.
SHREK: Well, then, go find her!
TOOTH FAIRY: Yes, the juryman must be getting tired of being so rudely interrupted.
SANDMAN: And Billy's getting fidgety.
CINDERELLA: is about to leave the room again when in rushes SNOW WHITE
SNOW WHITE: Sorry! I was in the ladies room! Sorry! sits, flustered
DONKEY: The verdict, please?
JURYMAN: (talking very fast) We the juries, find the defendants not guilty.
DONKEY: Great. Case closed. Have a great night, people. Court adjourned.
Curtain Closes
NOT SO HAPPILY EVER AFTER
DONKEY: bangs gavel Order, people! Order! all falls silent Now, what has the jury decided?
CINDERELLA: Wait!
SNOW WHITE: What?
CINDERELLA: Billy has to go...
DONKEY: Well? Hurry up, little man! CINDERELLA leaves with BILLY to find a bathroom. The jury sits quietly. CINDERELLA reenters in a few minutes with BILLY
CINDERELLA: Okay, go ahead.
JURYMAN: We have found the two accused—
SANTA CLAUS: What happens if we're found guilty?
DONKEY: We're about to hear that. Now, shush! Jury, proceed.
JURYMAN: We have found the two accused guilty.
court gasps
DONKEY: Sentencing?
JURYMAN: We sentence them to do all Billy's chores for the next 6 months!
SANTA CLAUS and EASTER BUNNY: together WHAT?!
DONKEY: You heard 'em! Sentencing approved!
SANTA CLAUS: (worriedly) But...but...my elves! And the presents! And—
DONKEY: It's only April, Santa. APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!
SANTA CLAUS: I almost ran out of candy and presents and time last year!
DONKEY: I don't really care! You should have thought of that before breaking and entering without a permit!
SANTA CLAUS: But...but...I...he...
EASTER BUNNY: (indignant) Don't blame this on me!
DONKEY: I'm blamin' both of ya'll! Court adjourned.
SANTA CLAUS: (suddenly angry) YOU'RE ALL GETTING COAL FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
DONKEY: Now, who wants some waffles?!
Curtain Closes