I wrote this when I was VERY tired.

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to ME except for the ones mentioned (Hamlet, Ophelia)

All of Character A's lines are in a preoccupied, Cockney accent

All of Character B's lines are whispered harshly, as if from backstage

A:  Okay, well, this story is about a girl named, er, Ofala, I think—

B:  Ophelia!

A:  Ophelia, that's it!  An' so, she's the dotter of a merchant—

B:  Not a merchant!  A lord!

A:  Oh!  Oh, yeah, the dotter of a lord and a merchant—

B:  No!  A lord and a lordess!

A:  B-But lordess isn't a word!

B:  It is now!

A: It's lord and lady.

B:  Lady!  Fine!  Just do it right!

A:  Aw right, the dotter of a lord and lady.  Now, she's got this crazy boyfriend named, er, named, uh…Piglet, I think—No, er…Baconlet, not that's no it…Porklet!  That's it!

B:  Hamlet!

A:  Hamlet!  Yeah, well, she's got this crazy boyfriend named Hamlet, and he tells her 'get to the convent!'

B:  Not a convent!   A nunnery!

A:  But a convent and a nunnery are the same things.

B:  Just do it my way!

A:  Fine!  A nunnery.  And she's offended by this because…because…because…

B:  Because he's basically saying get yourself to a whorehouse!

A:  Oh yeah!  Because he's saying get to a haunted house, and she don't like haunted houses 'cuz they are scary—

B:   Not a haunted house!  A whorehouse!

A:  Oh.  Oh, well, he's basically saying get yourself to a bad-word house, and so she goes all crazy-like, and she passes out flowers like a flower girl, and you know a really good place to buy flowers is—right, well, she's all crazy, 'cuz he was mean, and then she goes and, er…uh…I know it's got something to do with water…

B:  Drowns her—

A:  Oh yeah!  She drowns her cat!  And, y'know that's really bad 'cuz that's animal cruelty and—

B:  Not her cat!  Herself!

A:  Oh, she drowns herself, then.  Oh, well, that's good 'cuz there's no animal abuse.  Oh, okay, so she drowns herself.  And that was the end of Ofala.

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