A/N: I realized writing so much angst was seriously depressing me. So I thought I might start a little series of drabbles and odd stories about Cedric's journey to becoming a better person for Sofia. And thought it would be cute if he wrote a how to manual for other villains who find themselves in such dire and uncharted waters.
I probably won't update this on any regular basis, but sometimes I'd like to write something cheery!
Disclaimer: Cedric and Sofia are both adults in this story, and I don't own either of them. Damn you Disney!
The Villains Guide To Wooing a Hero
Can a villain win the heart of a hero?
Can two people so different make it work?
Never fear fellow evil doer I can assure you it is possible. But it will require a bit of work on your part. Let's start with a simple list of some of my most valuable and hard learned tips for winning and keeping your do-gooder.
Though you'll have to adjust them to your own specific circumstances, I hope they can be of some small help in your quest to love someone mentally unbalanced enough to choose the side of right!
1) Don't suggest she give you her amulet because overthrowing her father would completely negate the need for his blessing.
2) Do assure her you were just joking… unless she liked the idea. Then you were totally serious.
3) Do go on vacations together.
4) Do not use the opportunity to try and steal magically powerful objects from her annoying friends since you don't care whether they the live or die.
5) Do let yourself be occasionally irritated by her almost fathomless well of goodness and optimism.
6) Do not reconstitute her evil doppelganger thinking you can have your wicked cake and eat it too. There's a reason you sent that bitch to hell!
7) Do not turn her family members, friends, or friendly acquaintances into half human/ half animal hybrids in an attempt to blackmail them into stealing the amulet for you.
8) On second thought go right ahead. You probably won't get the amulet, but that shit's just fun!
9) Do teach her the secrets of magic, because you can't be around all time, and no one else better mess with your princess.
10) Don't be surprised when the infuriating wench uses everything you've taught her to thwart your every scheme for kingdom wide domination.
11) Do introduce her to your parents.
12) Do not let your seemingly sweet old mother go on and on about how having such a wonderful daughter in law almost makes up for not getting to be the Queen Mum.
13) Do get her thoughtful little presents and do sweet thing to show her how much you care.
14) For some reason heroes don't consider demonic objects of evil to be thoughtful presents, so make sure you unhex that junk first.
15) Do do good deeds. Even if it makes you cringe, even if it burns a little, even if makes you sick to your stomach.
16) Do not expect her to understand when you're so weak and ill from doing good deeds you can't do much more than lie on the floor of your workshop wringing your hands and trying to pinpoint the exact moment you lost all sense of self-respect.
17) Do let her reward your good behavior with gold stars and kisses.
18) Don't feel like you can't reward her with a gold star and kisses when she occasionally does something wicked. You shouldn't be the only one making compromises here.
19) Do not gripe because her amulet's sense of morality seems to be a little skewed. She doesn't understand either why a little bragging about something good happening to you is a sin worthy of being humiliated in front of hundreds of strangers. But fornicating on every flat surface in the castle plus the King's throne seems to be a okay. People who look gift horses in the mouth get what they deserve.
20) Do marvel every day at how she makes you a better person, even if you're not completely comfortable with it yet.