I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be loved by a man. I could only recall faint whispers of euphoria, traces of ecstatic giddiness. Despite my fading memories of adoration, I still knew I desperately longed for those feelings again. I ached for them in a way that embarrassed me for my foolish weakness. I had caught a ride on the never ending unrequited love train and there was no getting off of it.
The object of my desire doesn't know I exist…okay, that's not true…he knows I exist just not outside of the hateful friends sphere. Edward had been my best friend ever since we'd been in a play together when we were fifteen. From then on we'd been peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese…inseparable. We are…were each other's closest confidantes. I'd had a crush on him for awhile when we first met, I knew he didn't feel the same way and other men came into my life and that silly schoolgirl crush fizzled away. But when the last of a long line of bad decisions was found cheating on me with my closest girl friend that silly little schoolgirl crush came back with a fierce vengeance. Edward had been the one to comfort me when I was inconsolable because you know I was just so sure that one was the almighty and powerful "one". I'd gotten over that mistake and fell hard for my best friend.
Conveniently, at the same that I was falling for Edward, he fell for the queen bitch of plastic Barbie androids. I couldn't see what he saw in her, she was pure evil soaked in haute couture and money. She was sweet and simpering and nauseating to Edward, he sucked it up like a dehydrated man guzzles water. To watch them together was to die a thousand little painful deaths while vomiting up my internal organs…perhaps a little too graphic a description but you get the point. It made me not want to be around them, which meant I hardly spent any time with Edward because where Edward went so did Tanya, especially when he was going to hang out with me. She didn't allow him to spend alone time with me for whatever reason, my friend Alice was convinced she was threatened by me, I laughed at her. Whenever Tanya and I were alone together she was downright hostile, the instant Edward came back though she was back to being sickly sweet. She couldn't stand me and I certainly couldn't stand her, but my blinded best friend lived under the delusion that we were besties. I tried to play along for him, though I wanted to drag Tanya by her blonde highlights and pop her silicone implants.
I was on my way to endure watching them be lovey-dovey all over each other. My close friends and I were celebrating my first book being published. The release party would be tomorrow. I was excited but I was dreading this get together as I dreaded all opportunities to see Tanya and Edward together. I handed the keys to my BMW, my very first purchase with the large paycheck that came with publishing a new book, to the valet. I entered the restaurant and was able to see Alice and her new boyfriend, Jasper, along with Edward and surprises of surprises Queen Bitch was hanging off of him like a leech, sucking away all that made him my Edward. I was going to be a fifth wheel again tonight…joy.
"Hi guys!" I forced a large smile on my face and greeted the group.
"Bella!" Edward yelled, detaching himself from the leech and standing up to give me a hug. I noticed the fierce glare I was getting from his girlfriend but I ignored her and enjoyed the hug I was getting from Edward. Lately, it had been rare for him to give me a real hug and so I tried to enjoy it fully whenever I got one. I inhaled that scent that was pure Edward, wishing I could smell it all the time. I was a pathetic creature.
"Hey Edward. How are you?" I asked as he pulled away.
"I'm doing good. I miss you though, I hardly ever see you anymore." He said still holding me at arm's length away getting a good look at me. I tried to ignore the little leap of happiness my heart made when I heard that he missed me.
"Yeah, I've been so busy with the book and teaching and everything. Plus, I don't want to intrude on you and Tanya's time together." I said making excuses and pretending I didn't care as much as I did.
"That's nonsense you goober. Tanya and I would love to spend more time with you, isn't that right babe?" He turned to grin at skank face.
"Of course sweetie, you know I just love when we spend time with Bella." Her high-pitched simpering voice made me want to puke. I just couldn't understand Edward's attraction to her; we used to make fun of girls like her. He swore he would never be with someone so fake; looks like that went out the window the second femme-bot breezed in with her giant boobs, long manicured nails and annoyingly perfect hair.
"Then it's decided, you my dear, sweet Bella can make no more excuses about intruding. We'll hang out sometime next week; drink beers, order a pizza and maybe watch a movie." He grinned down at me.
Tanya hated beer and pizza and always made her excuses to get out of those nights. I grinned back at him. "That sounds perfect Edward."
"Good, I'm glad you agree. Now you sit here between me and Alice, right in the position of honor because we're all here to exalt your amazingness." He grinned and kissed me on the cheek as I slid into the booth next to Alice.
I gave Alice a one-armed hug. "Hey Alice, how are you? Hi Jasper."
"I'm alright, I'm so glad you decided to come tonight. How are you sweetie?" She smiled at me. I had confessed to Alice my feelings about Edward one drunken evening a year or so ago. She was always sympathetic.
"Wait, you weren't going to come tonight Bells? But it's your party?" Edward looked at me, confusion evident in his eyes.
"Well, you know how much I love being the fifth wheel Edward. I'm doing okay Alice, it'll be nice to get away for awhile while on the book tour next week." I said to Edward and turned to Alice.
"Well, Bella, I have a friend I could set you up with. He's a great guy and cute too." Tanya said batting her eyelashes at me.
"No!" They all looked startled…I hadn't realized I had yelled it. "I mean, I'm not interested. Thank you for your concern though. I'm sure he's not my type." I quickly blurted out.
"How can you know he's not your type Bell? I've met all of Tanya's friends, they're nice guys. Maybe not deserving of you but they're still good guys." Edward asked twisting the knife in my heart further.
"I'm just not interested Edward My love life or lack thereof is no one's concern but mine. Leave it alone." I said effectively ending that thread of conversation.
"Eddie is just concerned that you're going to turn into a crazy cat lady. You know it's very possible; you haven't dated anyone as long as I've known you. Plus, you're always holed up writing or whatever it is you do alone in your house. It's kind of pathetic. " Tanya blinked her stupid eyelashes at me; she tried to look innocent but I could see the smirk underneath her façade.
I turned my focus to Tanya and glared at her. Edward noticed my glare but I didn't care I wanted to rip the stupid bitch's hair out. Before I could put the bitch in her place Alice interrupted. "Well, let's order guys come on I'm starving."
I was spitting mad and I had to get out of there. I muttered an 'excuse me' to Edward and after giving me a concerned look he slid out of the booth to let me past. I made my way to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I had to pull myself together to go face them again, act like nothing affected me, pretend I didn't care at all. I just didn't want to do it. I cursed myself for being pathetic but I pulled out my phone and texted Alice that I didn't feel good and was going home. She replied immediately and told me to wait. I rolled my eyes but did as I was told. I went to the mirror and looked at myself; of course Edward didn't see me why would he want to. I wasn't the image of perfection that Tanya was. I wasn't always perfect coiffed, perfectly put together, perfectly perfect.
"I don't understand why you have to leave." Edward said entering the bathroom. I jumped out of my skin.
"Jesus Edward, you startled me. What are you doing in the girl's bathroom?" I placed my hand on my heart and could feel it pounding, but I didn't think it was because of being startled.
"I'm trying to find out why you never want to spend time with us anymore. I mean, I really miss my best friend. It seems like ever since Tanya and I started dating, you've made yourself scarce. I just don't understand. Do you not like her?" He asked.
"You want to know the honest to god truth Edward? I don't think you're ready for it." I startled myself by saying that. It only meant that confessions were going to come spewing out.
"Yes, I am. I promise I can take it Bella. I miss you and I need to know why you don't want to hang out with me." Edward said looking hurt.
"Edward, it's not that I don't want to hang out with you, I just can't take it anymore. Honestly, I hate Tanya, she is, I swear to god, the fakest bitch I have ever met and she nowhere near comes close to deserving you. "He looked like he was about to interrupt. "No, let me finish damn it. You said you could handle it so I'm giving you the truth and if I stop now, I won't ever get this shit off my chest. I can't handle watching you two together not only because I can't begin to understand what you see in her but also because it physically hurts me to see you two hanging off of each other. For fucks sakes, Edward I have been completely in love with you for two years but I've kept my mouth shut because I thought you were happy. Plus, I knew that you could never see me that way. I'm done though, I can't take it anymore. As much as it kills me to say it Edward, I don't think I can do this anymore, I can't watch you and Tanya together. I'm done having my heart ripped out and shredded and stomped on. I'm tired of the façade I put up, the fake smile I plaster on just to protect you from my silly little schoolgirl crush. I honestly from the bottom of my heart love you to death in a way you can't begin to fathom, but I can't pretend to be happy for you anymore. That is why I have to go." By time I finished my crazed tirade the tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to run from this place but Edward was blocking the door and he looked completely and totally shocked.
"Bella, I don't know what to say." He gasped out.
I shook my head. "I know you don't. Let me go Edward. I have to get out of here."
"No, I want to talk to you." He said still blocking the door.
The door was being pushed open though from the outside and I wanted to scream at Queen Bitch to leave us alone, to just plain leave for good. She raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow to see the tears streaming down my face and Edward standing in front of the door. She walked up to him and placed a wet kiss on his lips and wrapped herself around him. "Edward, we want to order but you're gone. You need to come back to the table." I clenched my jaw at her phrasing.
"Not right now Tanya, I need to finish talking to Bella." He said and I permitted my heart to leap.
"No sweetie, you don't. You need to come back to the table with me and then we'll go home and finish what we started this afternoon." She purred at him. I wanted to strangle her.
I cursed myself for letting the bitch win but I had told Edward I was giving up. "Edward, she's right. Go with her and have what you think is your happily ever after and I'm going to leave." One solitary tear in an act of defiance slid down my cheek.
"No. I want to finish this conversation. Get out of here Tanya. I'll talk to you later." He said.
Tanya stomped her foot. "You are going to let this ugly bitch tear us apart?" She squealed.
"No, I'm going to let my best friend tear us apart Tanya, because you don't get me without her and you can walk away if you can't handle that. I've loved Bella a lot longer and stronger than I have loved you and I won't let you fuck that up." He barely looked at her; his eyes were still glued to mine. I wouldn't allow myself to have any hope, though my heart was screaming.
"You are fucking kidding me." Tanya looked aghast and then her eyes narrowed. "You are going to regret this mister. You are throwing away the best thing that ever happened to you. As for you bitch, I hope you rot in hell."
"No, I really won't regret this and you are nowhere close to being the best thing that ever happened to me. Now get out of here."She turned on her heel and left in a huff.
"Edward, I wasn't asking you to do that." I whispered.
He shrugged. "I've actually wanted to do that for awhile."
"Oh, well as long as you're happy." I said. I didn't know what to say to him, I had been full of words earlier but now I just was lost.
"Bella?" Edward asked.
"Yes Edward." I replied.
"How long have you felt this way about me?" He asked.
I blushed. "Since the day before you met Tanya. It all came in a flash to me, I realized that Jacob didn't deserve me crying over him and that no other guy had ever been right for me because I hadn't let them be because I've been stuck on you for the longest time. I feel silly admitting that to you now, like some lovesick teenage girl."
"I'm glad you did." He said still looking at me with his intense green eyes.
"I shouldn't have but it all came roaring up and I couldn't help it. I know you don't feel the same way about me and I understand that, I really do Edward." I looked down at the tile of the bathroom floor until a pair of converse high-tops came in to my view. I looked up at him and was startled by how close he was; I was breathing in his cologne.
"Stop assuming things Bella. Of course, I feel the same way about you. I saw that you had gotten over Jacob and I knew it wouldn't be long before another guy was in the place I so wanted to be. So I stifled how I felt and decided that I would find the first girl I could just so it wouldn't hurt as bad when it happened. I met Tanya. This last couple of years I had noticed that you completely stopped dating and it gave me hope that maybe you felt the same. When you stopped coming around me and Tanya, it gave me some kind of twisted pleasure because I was sure that you felt the same. I wanted to break it off with Tanya and finally tell you that I loved you. You've made it very easy for me by the way." He finished with a grin.
I was in complete shock. I was absolutely positive that I was dreaming. I mean there was no way that Edward would break up with Tanya without a second thought and then tell me that he loved me. "This can't be real." I choked out.
"Why do you say that?" He asked looking down at me; he was so close to me.
"Because there is no way that this is happening outside of my dreams and I'm going to wake up in a second and you're still going to be dating Tanya and completely oblivious to how I feel." I muttered; I couldn't help the tears that started to flow.
Edward used his thumb to wipe away the tears. "God, I hope not." He leaned down to kiss me and I melted into him.