DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo
Author Notes: Right, Kozak gave off to me for a bit and told me to write a little something for the Bastard Squad. I had a couple of ideas, so here it is. There are a lot of private jokes, half of which I don't even get, so anyone else reading this might be confused.
CHAPTER 1
This is a tale about a young boy setting off on his first adventure. On his journey he will make many enemies and relatively few friends, but we're not going to tell him that. The boy's name was Burnsy, and he wanted to be a Pokémon Master.
"My name is Burnsy and I want to be a Pokémon Master," he proclaimed confidently, totally destroying the point of mentioning it in the narrative one line ago.
Anyway, this young boy Burnsy, who was eighteen, was leaving to go off on his first Pokémon adventure. Now, most young boys leave on their Pokémon adventures aged ten, but not dear Burnsy. He wanted to spend more time with the nine year old boys, though he wasn't sure why...
That's not the point. Now, our tale begins with young Burnsy lying awake at night. Now, if his dear mother were to walk in she would ask what he was doing still up, and he would reply that he was, of course, thinking about which Pokémon he would choose as his first for tomorrow. Of course, Burnsy is an eighteen year old boy, so the rest of us all know exactly what he's thinking about.
Did you guess? Yes, that's right. With a banana.
Anyway, morning swiftly came and Burnsy, being the weirdo he is, was up at the crack of dawn to go to work in the supermarket which, for various copyright reasons we shall not go into, shall be called Ocset. Anyway, Burnsy was busy stacking shelves when he realised he was not supposed to be here.
"Damn, I'm not supposed to be here!" Burnsy cried. He was supposed to be getting his first Pokémon from Professor Oak today.
Burnsy sprinted to Professor Oak's lab at once, and was greatly relieved when he found Professor Oak standing there with a Pokéball for him. He'd heard from somewhere that if you showed up late to get your Pokémon then Oak would make you perform weird, sexual favours for him.
"Oh, there's only one Pokémon left," Professor Oak said. "Don't worry, I won't make you go down on me. You're far too old for my taste."
Putting aside that Oak was old enough to be Burnsy's grandfather Burnsy reached for the large ball, cupping it gently in his hand and caressing it softly (aroused yet?).
Then with a toss he threw the Pokéball, which smashed against the wall and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, leaving a very irate looking Charmander where it had once been.
"Now why would you break the Pokéball?" Oak demanded. "Those things are expensive, and I'm certainly not buying you another one." With that Oak stalked off, mumbling something about punk teenagers with stupid hairstyles.
Anyway, Burnsy was, naturally, distracted by the little Pokémon that he had suddenly become the new master of. Burnsy had spent more time studying Pokémon than perhaps any boy should, so he knew rather a lot about them. He wondered what kind of quirks his Charmander would have...
It just sat there for a moment. Then it started blasting fire at Burnsy.
Burnsy tried to run, but the little bastard kept following him, blowing hot fire that singed bits of Burnsy's ridiculously long hair. So Burnsy kept running. Then before him he saw someone and another Pokémon step out onto the path, and suddenly a blast of water flew past Burnsy and hit Charmander, blasting him into a tree.
Burnsy turned to thank the person only to find it was a boy wearing both a bandana and a cap, a green coat and eye liner.
"I'm Burnsy," Burnsy said. "And that's my Charmander."
"My name is the Charlie," the boy said. "And this is my Squirtle. Isn't he adorable? He has no hair. I named him Dave!" Charlie then proceeded to give the least manly squeal he could muster, before attempting to hug poor Dave who was, naturally, a little concerned about the mental condition of his new master.
Burnsy could see they were going to be the best of friends.
From Charlie he managed to get a spare Pokéball, and used it to recapture nasty Charmander. With their Pokémon safely secure in Pokéballs Burnsy and Charlie were on their merry way. Together Charlie and Burnsy pranced through the meadows, singing merrily their favourite songs which included lines like, "My cock is much bigger than yours," or "BENZENE!" or "Young man... there's no need to feel down..."
Anyway, eventually the dynamic duo reached Viridian City, and decided they'd go to the Pokémon Centre because they could stay there for free if they pretended their Pokémon were hurt. Sadly, with the Labour government in power, they were forced to wait for ages (this is my half-assed attempt at being topical).
Now, Burnsy was very worried about having to sleep on the streets, but Charlie assured him that everything would be fine. After all, they didn't need sleep, did they? They could just drink shitloads of Red Bull and stay up all night.
Burnsy slept in a dumpster. Charlie drank Red Bull and ran around in circles squealing all night.