The Night I Terminated Christmas
A Christmas Story By Cameron Phillips
(As told to SHADO Commander)
Twas the night before Christmas, and not a creature was stirring,
As alone in the darkness, my processors whirring,
I sat there and waited, on this "holiday,"
With my guns cocked and loaded, awaiting my prey.
John and Sarah were sleeping, quite strangely uncaring,
Perhaps the thoughts of the gifts, that they soon would be sharing,
Had left them too complacent, so oddly unconcerned,
About the terrible danger, of which I had just learned?
Or was the reason their minds, were so oddly clogged,
That dark liquid which Derek, had dumped in their egg nog?
He'd said it was for flavor, a half bottle of rum,
But whatever the reason, they were all now quite numb.
And as a result of their stupor, it was now up to me,
To head off this great danger, to John's security,
Which is why, all alone, I now faced an infiltrator,
One as clever and crafty, as the best Terminator.
An intelligence threat, that I'd never suspected
Who could enter any building, somehow undetected,
With resources so vast, it gave even me pause,
Was he an agent of Skynet, this Santa Claus?
Not that it mattered at all, for the danger was data,
Since what the elf might know now, Skynet could make him spill later,
And if the TV special I'd just seen, was even half right,
There was naught we could do, that escaped St. Nick's sight.
Which was a security breech, I couldn't allow to exist,
And I'd have just one chance, to make Santa's spying desist.
Before another years worth of secrets, would be blown all to hell,
Unless I made sure what he knew, he never would tell.
So with my charges unconscious, I'd made my own plan of action,
And the booby traps were laid out, to my satisfaction.
On the lawn I'd strewn carrots, as fresh reindeer bait,
Drawing Santa to my fire zone, where he'd meet his fate.
I'd placed wreaths of claymores, outside every window,
Enough to vaporize the skeleton, of a T-800's endo,
And by the chimney I'd set out, a nice little treat,
Drugged milk and a cookie, for Santa to eat.
Sodium pentothal I'd stocked up on, for interrogation,
Should the chance come to pump Santa, for all information,
Concerning Skynet activities, that he might oversee,
And now I hunkered in my blind, behind the fake Christmas tree.
The red and green blinking lights, lit my heads up display,
with a bright merry twinkle, as I waited for Santa's slay,
When I had a thought, quite sudden and shocking:
I'd forgotten to put the C-4 in the stocking!
But it was too late to change now, for before I could stand,
With a bang and a boom, I heard Santa outside land!
And with a pop pop pop, the claymores resounded,
As into the living room with a crash, Santa Claus bounded!
His red suit was a poor fit, all loose and baggy,
The coat wasn't too bad, but the pants were too saggy,
And the beard was a fake one, held up by a string,
But the instant I saw him, I knew one sure thing:
This Santa wasn't an elf! No, not even a gnome!
For his eyes twinkled red, and his skin was all chrome!
And as our eyes met that night, I knew it was fate,
Because this Santa Claus, it seemed, was a T-888!
With astonishing quickness, he unloaded his Uzi,
Destroying Sarah's present, a Homedics Home Jacuzzi!
I threw the tree towards him, the ornaments flying,
And as his flame thrower lit the branches, the whole thing began frying!
Then my aim was clear, and I fired my LAW rocket,
Which disarmed old St. Nick, to the left shoulder socket,
And with my other hand, I fired my Glock,
And nailed what in plumbing, we'd call his ball-cock!
But since his balls were of coltan, Santa just kept on coming,
Despite all the ammo, that was on his hide drumming!
And then he was on me, my guns slapped away,
(Which is a really crappy way to start, your first Christmas day.)
All the gifts 'neath our feet, were scattered like rosies,
As he kicked my ass royally, with his stainless steel toesies,
And when I whacked him in the torso, with John's present (a sled,)
In return he decked all the halls, of the house, with my head!
Back and forth we went, through the walls we were slamming,
While with a gift basket of jellies, his head I was jamming,
But it soon became clear, as the battle wore on longer,
That as strong as I was, this T-888 was stronger!
And though I was smarter, and far more agile,
All I had to fight with was gifts, that were just way too fragile,
By the time he took me down, in the middle of the room,
All I had left to hit back with, was a bag of Fruit of the Loom!
Which was when the Christmas Carolers suddenly came to the door,
Quite late, I thought, at a quarter past four,
But how else to explain, the fact that I could now hear,
Someone singing, off key, about red nosed reindeer?
But then the door blew apart, and in strode a commando,
Who was dressed all in red, with a white fleece headbando!
And believe it or not, there slung over his back,
He carried a state of the art anti-tank launcher in an old grungy sack,
Which he proceeded to unload, into my opponent,
Until Santa was reduced to his most basic component!
And while I lay amidst the crushed packages, battered and stunned,
I realized that I was now completely outgunned!
But the commando merely grinned, as he pulled out a knife,
Removing the chip of the T-888, that had nearly taken my life!
Then he took out a small notebook, labeled "Naughty, Not Nice,"
And kicked my opponent's remains, saying "You won't do THAT twice!"
Next he stepped over to me, and with a surprisingly strong grip,
He reached down for my hand, and pulled me up, with a flip.
"As for you, my dear, you've been as good as you can,
And no one can ask more, not from cyborg or man."
"And because the one wish you made, was to keep John safe and secure,
From the actions of a certain North Pole provocateur,
I thought the best gift you could get, would be the sure knowledge,
That John'll be off Santa's watch list, at least until college."
"By which time," the white haired warrior added with a wink,
"You'll understand this world, a great deal better I think."
And ho-ho-ing loudly, with a big sappy grin,
He added "And when that time comes, I suspect I'll see you again."
"You'll see me again?" I puzzled, "How can you be so sure?
Exactly who are you? And can you see the future?
To know this Santa was coming, and then thwart his attack,
You must have precognition, or from the future come back!"
"For now," He smiled jollily, "You can just call me Kris,
And while true prescience is something, I won't completely dismiss,
The truth is there is no future, but that we make for ourselves,
Though it's easier making the right choices, with the help of some elves.
So keep learning, my dear, and keep up the good fight,
As you're on the right path, to learning what's good and right,
Sorry to leave you with this mess, but I've other work I must do,"
And with that he went to the chimney… and flew up the flue!
And what happened next? Well, it's not like I sleep…
So I went to the broom closet, and I started to sweep,
Up the wreckage of Christmas, that I'd have to explain,
Since Derek, at least, was sure to complain…
But there was still time, to rewrap all the gifts,
And though the tree was burned, with a terrible list,
The trashed terminator would give an adequate reason,
For the sad decimation of this Christmas season.
Yet in my cold chest, a warm glow was thriving,
For I had Kris to thank, for my family's surviving,
And I'd heard my new ally exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas Cameron… and don't forget the thermite!"
Author's Note: Yes, I'm sure that some KP fans will be irate that knocked this out instead of a new chapter of AT THE CENTERFOLD OF THE STORM or THE PRINCESS DIARIES – THE KIGO EDITION. However, I just watched Summer Glau as an elf in the Hallmark TV movie HELP FOR THE HOLIDAYS and re-read the Xmas chapter of Pjazz's THE SECRET DIARY OF CAMERON BAUM, and, well... this just wrote itself. Hope you enjoyed!