The wet, mouldering scent of leaves was the first thing Remus was aware of on waking, and it took only a second for this to set alarm bells ringing. Cold pressed in on him on all sides, and the boy curled his naked legs up closer to his chest, squirming uncomfortably in the mud as he struggled to force his aching body into anything even remotely resembling an upright position. He pushed himself up, fingers sinking into the mulch, hair matted with leaves and mud and Merlin knew what else, to look over his body for new scars, but only the odd scratch stood out, nothing major. As his head cleared, it was fairly obvious that at some point in the night the wolf had gotten itself loose, and escaped into the wooded area that surrounded his shed, and his mind started to race as the realisation set in.
Blood. Merlin, he could taste it on his tongue and that was normal for after a change but now he couldn't just accept that- he checked his fingers frantically, checking under the nails for some red trace, eyes darting over the surrounding forest for splatters staining the leaves. Nothing stood out, even as he scrambled to his feet against the protests of his muscles and grabbed the nearest tree for support. There were gashes in the trunk, but the amber that leaked from it was harmless; Remus tried to catch his breath, chest hitching, and forced himself to think clearly. He'd gotten out before, at school, with his friends, and nothing had happened- it had become a part of their full moon routine, helping the wolf to relieve its stress and stop it from venting it on his body. They must have done it thirty times- no one had ever gotten hurt. He was miles from the nearest house- or at least he had been in the shed, Merlin knew where he was now- and there was no evidence of anything.
By some miracle, the fates had put their conspiracy against him on hold for one night and cut him this one break.
Remus pushed a hand through his hair, swallowing the iron taste and running his tongue over his teeth experimentally. Nothing, nothing out of the ordinary- surely if the wolf had attacked someone, he'd know. Maybe a rabbit, or a badger, but the werewolf had to hold on to that little shred of humanity that told him that he couldn't harm another human being with no knowledge of it- he would know.
Belief was a powerful thing, and Remus had to believe that for his sanity's sake.
The seventeen year old tried to wipe the humiliation of trying to make it home twenty miles without a stitch of clothing; he kept to the forest mostly, more alert than he would had liked to be for evidence of the wolf, until he was close to his house and had little choice but to stand in the open. Thankfully, it was early and cold for summertime, and he made it back without incident, and the story amused James and Sirius no end when he told them on the train back to school. Remus rolled his eyes and smiled as yet another joke was made, picking up his sandwich wrapper from the seat as they reached Hogsmeade station and joined the crowds of students jostling to get off the train and onto the carriages that would take them up to the castle.
The full moon of his escape had been over a month ago, the second moon passing without incident in the subsequently reinforced cabin, and Remus mostly pushed the incident from his mind because dwelling on it would drive him to madness. His body was at its best- which, to be fair, was not brilliant- so he didn't even wince as a second year pushed ahead of him in the line, pointing up ahead and shouting excitedly.
"Look, look at the carriages- Merlin, that's so wicked! Look!"
He was speaking to a friend, but Remus looked up anyway, amused by the excitement of the younger pupils at discovering Hogwarts for the first time, and was surprised to find anything interesting about the sight himself, but his eyebrows raised as his gaze fell upon the queued carriages.
Ahead of each coach stood what could only loosely be described as a horse. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say they might once have been horses, but whatever the case now they appeared more as ghastly spectres, translucent skin stretched to breaking point over bleached bone and milky eyes staring out at the students. Remus briefly wondered if they were a strange breed of Abraxans, with their folded wings that looked far too fragile to be capable of flight in any form. Something about them was familiar, but he couldn't place it, and then put that thought aside as he looked back over his shoulder to his friends.
"I wonder what made them get horses," he commented, indicating the carriages, and was met only with confusion when the other Marauders took their own looks up at the road ahead. Peter seemed completely bewildered, looking to the other two for some confirmation that they were seeing- or rather, not- what he was, but Sirius' eyes never moved from Remus when he looked back to his friend.
It was James that spoke, after an awkward moment of silence, and replied with confusion. "Moony, mate, what are you talking about? There's no horses."
Remus' small smile faltered, and he looked again, but the creatures were there, plain as day as they trotted up to the castle with carriages in tow. There were more than twenty of them- he could see them! "No, really, they're..." He swallowed. Of course, they were joking- trying to make him think he was going mad. It wasn't exactly uncommon behaviour for the Marauders- the opposite in fact. He laughed hoarsely, and shook his head in derision. "Oh, hilarious. I suppose I've been imagining the Giant Squid and Arithmancy for the last six years too?"
But no one laughed at that- Sirius's face was about as far from laughter as it was possible to be. Grave, he kept his voice low as he spoke. "Rem. You must've known Thestrals pull the coaches."
Remus' stomach dropped as soon as the name was said, the ghostly appearance clicking into place with a clarity that he'd been thankful for in his exams, but now wished he didn't have. Of course, that was what they were, Thestrals- the creatures were widely regarded as a death omen, but that wasn't strictly deserved; they didn't predict anything about the future, but were rather a comment on the past. Only those who had witnessed death could see Thestrals.
"But... I don't understand. I've not- I've never seen anyone die, Sirius, they can't be." It didn't make sense, even with what he knew, though the revelation that Thestrals pulled the coaches was new to him. He shook his head, eyes becoming wild. He'd been at school when his mother died, and that was the only death to really touch his life- but he hadn't seen it- he'd never seen death, not in his whole life- it was one of the few mercies he'd been afforded since the werewolf curse had ruined his life for Merlin's sake!
The curse. Oh Merlin, the curse.
Remus' breath left him in an instant, and just as he found himself sagging there was a strong shoulder forcing itself under his arm to support him. "Moony, just get to the coach, alright mate? I've got you." Sirius' voice was in his ear and James already at his other side, face the picture of worry though he still seemed far less clued in on what was going on. They shielded him, Peter ahead of the group, until they were within the carriage, hidden from the rest of the students, and Remus collapsed in on himself almost immediately, eyes wide and yellow with fear.
That night, the night he had gotten out- it could only be then. Somewhere in that wood, rotting in the fallen leaves, there was the body of some poor soul who had crossed the wolf's path and their blood had spilled and their death had fractured Remus' soul. His heart beat wildly, so hard that Sirius, whose arms had encircled him, could probably feel it pulsing though his body. Sirius, who could read him better than anyone, who had remembered the Thestrals, who had connected the dots and drawn the whole horrific picture. Remus ignored Peter's whispered question of what was going on, and James' dismissive answer, but he could feel all their eyes on him.
"I- I-" he couldn't choke the words out, and Sirius shushed him.
"You don't have to Moony- it doesn't matter."
But it did, oh it did, and Remus could hear their unasked questions on the air, a cacophony that should have been deafening but over all of it was that scream of truth, ripping through him. Sirius started talking again, to the others, tone soft. "When he was- you know- on that moon-"
"I killed someone! The wolf- it- I- there was no blood, no nothing, it was fine but obviously it wasn't because how the hell would I be seeing Thestrals, you have to see death and I haven't but the wolf has because it-" But once had been hard enough to say and Remus couldn't and wouldn't force the words out again, instead collapsing into sobbing against Sirius' warm chest as the dark haired boy pulled him closer, shushing in his ear. An endless mantra of it's okay, Rem, it's okay it wasn't you it's okay.
But it wasn't, it simply wasn't. His soul had torn when the life he'd taken had stained his wolf's lips and there was no repairing that, no way to take back his actions and unsee the Thestrals. The death would remain as a black mark on his heart for as long as he lived- and in that moment, the horrible knowledge settled in his mind, he knew he did not deserve to live at all.