Dicslaimer: I don´t own CSI or any of it´s characters. If I did do you really think Sara and Grissom would still dance around each other like they do...nooooooo way!
A/N: This story is really sad, so don´t read it if you don´t like sad stories. Warning: Character death. I wrote this from the view of Sara´s and Grissom´s daughter. I don´t really know why, I was just in the mood to write something sad and this is what came out. Please tell me what you think I appreciate all kinds of reviews! I apologize for any grammatical and spelling mistakes, I´m from Germany so English is not my native language.
Hugethanks to Pajo/Kathe for giving me the idea for the titel and for being such a good friend! Love ya!
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Young strokes of fate
12th september 2010:
Today daddy came home late. He didn´t really talk to me, he just took my hand and pulled me into his arms for a long hug. He told me I had to be strong now. He told me he knew I was a strong girl because I was just like mommy. Everybody always tells me I would be like mommy. I look like her. I have her brown hair and her brown eyes and a small gap between my front teeth. But uncle Nicky says I have my intelligence from daddy. He says if I had other parents I wouldn´t be able to write just now because I´m only five and other girls my age can´t write or read. But daddy taught me how to do it. He said he was proud of me because I was such a fast learner. Today he didn´t tell me he was proud of me. He pulled me onto his lap and said mommy was in hospital and that I couldn´t go to see her for a very long time. I asked him why but he didn´t answer. I am confused. Daddy always has answers for everything. Then uncle Nicky came and Daddy said he would be back tonight and that I should be nice to Nick. But he isn´t home yet and I can´t sleep without him and mommy kissing me goodnight. I don´t want to cry but sometimes I can´t help it.
14th september:
Today we went to see mommy. She was lying on a big white bed in a big white hospital room and she couldn´t talk to me because she was asleep and they put a big tube into her throat. Daddy says that it helps her to breath and that she is going to be okay but that she needs time to heal. I don´t believe him. He didn´t look me in the eye as he said it and I know that they are hiding something. I saw Catherine outside mommy´s room and she was crying. Aunt Catherine never cries. Daddy says she´s a strong woman just like mommy. But why does mommy look so weak in that bed? I only want her to wake up again so that she can pull me into her arms and tell me everything is going to be alright like she always does when I wake up at night after a nightmare.
15th september:
I drew a picture of a ladybug for mommy because the day after tomorrow is her birthday. Daddy said I can bring it to the hospital on her birthday. I couldn´t go see mommy today but Catherine and Lindsay came over to look after me while Daddy went to see her. Lindsay looked at me pathetically (this is a very difficult word but mommy taught me how to spell it correctly). We watched a movie but I couldn´t concentrate. Mommy is supposed to watch movies with me. I miss her.
17the september:
Today is Mommy´s birthday and I went to see her in hospital. She was still asleep with the tube inside her throat. I put the drawing onto her bedside table. Daddy said she would be happy to see it when she wakes up. I couldn´t stay long. Uncle Warrick took me home. Daddy´s always at the hospital with Mommy. Sometimes I think he doesn´t want me to see her like this.
20th september:
When Daddy came home today his eyes were red and puffy and he avoided looking at me. I didn´t dare to ask him what was wrong because I know I shouldn´t upset him any more. Aunt Catherine took me home with her and she told me Daddy needed some time alone. I couldn´t go see mommy since her birthday.
21st september:
Daddy picked me up from Catherine´s today and took me to Lake Meat. We sat down under some trees and he began to tell me the story of him and Mommy. He told me they first kissed at the spot we where sitting. And he told me about their wedding. I tried to listen very carefully and not to upset him any further so I didn´t say anything the whole time and only wiped away his tears with my thumb.
Then he told me Mommy was gone. He said she had gone to heaven. I don´t know where heaven is so I asked him and he said he didn´t know either but it would be a good place to be. I´m angry at Mommy because she went to heaven and didn´t take us with her and I told Daddy so, but he said heaven isn´t a place where you can take somebody with you just like that. I don´t like heaven if I can´t be there with mommy and because it seems to make daddy sad that mommy went there.
23rd september:
Mommy still hasn´t returned. When I asked uncle Nicky today when she´ll come back he took me into his arms and said „Oh honey." And didn´t let go for a very ling time. I don´t know what that should mean. I took a photo of mommy into my room for my bedside table. Maybe if I only look at it for a very long time she´ll return faster. I once saw that in a movie. I´m sure it´ll work for me too.
24th september:
Tonight I heard Daddy sobbing and when I went to his and Mommy´s bedroom I saw him sitting on their bed, watching a video of us. When I asked him what was wrong he said he missed Mommy. I told him then that I was sure she would return soon if we only wished for it very hard. That made him cry even more. He told me Mommy couldn´t return. When you go to heaven there is no coming back. That made me cry too. But Mommy will return. She always told me when she left for work she would be there when I woke up again. She always returned. But I didn´t tell Daddy that because I didn´t want ot upset him any further.
25th september:
Today I hid in Mommy´s closet behind her clothes. It smelled like her. It al,ost felt as if she was there with me. When Daddy found me he took me into his arms and whispered „Oh Amy." And then we sat on the ground together and cried for Mommy because we both realised that we were on our own now. We cooked dinner together and talked about Mommy for a very long time. I miss her madly.
26th september:
This afternoon we went to a graveyard with Catherine and Nick and Warrick and all the other friends of Mommy and Daddy. And we went into a small church. Daddy said it would be time to say goodbye to Mommy for good now. There was a casket at the front of the church and I knew Mommy was in there. I asked daddy if we could open it and get her out of there because I know Mommy didn´t like small places because she always felt trapped in them but he said that was impossible. He explained to me that Mommy wasn´t really in there, it was only her body not her spirit. The picture I drew for her clung to the casket. A man in a black robe went up to the stand and talked about Mommy and her life and then uncle Nicky went up there too. He was crying very hard. And he talked about Mommy too. I liked the things he said. Later the casket was carried outside and lowered into the ground. I dind´t want Mommy to disappear just like that. So I began to cry. Catherine took me into her arms and tried to sooth me while Daddy went to the hole and threw a single red rose into it. Then everybody left after a while except from me and Daddy. We stood there for a very long time until it began to rain and we had to go home. I never felt more abadonned than today.
30th september:
We visit her Mommy´s grave every day. I can´t imagine living wihout her one more day. I don´t want to miss her anymore. Yesterday I dreamed I came home after visiting the playground with uncle Nick and she would be there, waiting for me like she used to. But when I came home only Daddy was there, sitting on the couch with that empty expression on his face that he has often lately.
I want my Mommy back.
2nd october:
Daddy said we are going to move. He wants us to move to San Francisco because he has a new job there. I don´t want to leave our home. It´s my connection to Mommy. I still hide inside her closet everyday to smell her things. But Daddy says he can´t stay here anymore.
5th october:
The house is empty now and we have said goodbye to everybody. Catherine told us she would call everyday and they would visit us soon. I tried hard not to cry. I´m tired of crying. Mommy was a strong person why can´t I be? Then we drove away. Daddy says we can begin a new life now because not everything will remind us of our old life with Mommy. But I´m afraid I´ll forget her. I don´t want to forget her.
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20the October 2010:
Dear Sara,
I don´t know what I shall do anymore. You´re gone. You left me and Amy alone. I don´t blame you, who would have thought the culprit was still in that house ,right? But I´m still angry. Angry that I gave you that assignment that night, angry that I have to raise Amy alone now, angry that she lost her mother, angry that our life as a happy family ended so abruptly. I miss you more every single day and I don´t know if I can stand it any longer. I know I have to be strong for our daughter but how could I be? I lost you. I lost the love of my life. I keep trying to live on. We moved to San Francisco. I teach at the university again. I try to make a new life for us but still I don´t seem to succeed. Amy misses you madly. Every night when I look if she´s already asleep I see her crying in her sleep. I don´t know if it was the right decision to leave Vegas and everything she knew but I couldn´t just stay there and try to live around all that stuff that reminded me of you. It just doesn´t work that way for me. I need the distance because I know if I´d stayed on Vegas, in our old house, in my office only one day longer I would have died mentally. I can´t do this to our daughter. I need to be a good father to her. I need to be both father and mother for her now.
Am I strong enough to do that?
I can only hope so.
Sara, I love you more than anything and I don´t know how to go on without you, but I want you to know that I´m trying.
With all the love I have, Gil.