I Find Your Lack of Competence Annoying
An Imperial officer strode into Darth Vader's meditation chamber aboard the Executor, feeling confident that he wouldn't be one of the many people to suffer the Dark Lord's wrath. Vader stepped up from a crouching position and stared at the officer, almost mentally implying what the young man had come to tell him.
"Lord Vader," said the officer, "The raid on the Rebel base was successful. The commando teams managed to capture several hostages that will soon be sent for interrogation. We have reason to believe one of them may have access to the Force, because he put up an incredible fight with the commandos."
Vader's labored breathing seemed to grow louder at mention to the Force. "I shall interrogate that one personally," said the Dark Lord, "Take me to its cell."
Darth Vader stormed into the detention area of the Executor, not caring about how many people he knocked over or the MSE-6 droid which he stepped on without a thought. The officer used a security key to open the cell where the prisoner in question was staying and Vader barged in, the door slammed behind him.
Sitting on the cell's only bench was possibly the most bizarre creature Vader had ever seen in his life. It was about two meters tall and covered in black shaggy fur, it had a long muzzle that protruded far away from its face, it also had two beady eyes and large antlers that almost scraped the ceiling.
The creature let out flatulence and said to Vader, "Oops, excuse me! Musta been that five bean chili that the wife warned me about!" Vader said to the creature, "State your name, creature."
"Uh, I'm Jeff Meesely," replied the being, "I'm a backwoods Moosel who's roughed it more than you can say moose pie! Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!" the antlered creature passed more gas and Darth Vader was thankful that he was inside his armor.
"I can feel you have the Force within you," said Vader, "You could be of great help to me."
"Hey!" cried the Moosel, pointing an antler towards Vader's chest plate, "You're a jukebox!" Jeff punched one of the buttons on the plate with a stubby finger and music began to play from inside Darth Vader's armor.
It was 'House of the Rising Sun'.
Jeff pushed the button again.
'Building a Mystery' started playing.
"Boring!" shouted Jeff. He pushed it again.
A rapper rapped, "I'm gonna git me a mutha…."
Jeff pushed it again.
Elvis sang 'Love Me Tender'.
The button was pushed again.
'The End' played sorrowfully from within the Sith Lord.
The Moosel pushed it again.
Ray Charles was signing about how he had Georgia on his mind.
Jeff pressed it one last time.
A toe-tapping country tune played.
The Moosel tapped his foot as Vader pressed the switch and the music stopped.
"Aw, why'd you do that for?"
"As I said before," said Vader, his tone more icier than normal, "You could be of great help to me."
Jeff was too busy chewing some snuff he smuggled aboard to pay attention.
Vader used the Force to hurl the snuff out of the Moosel's hands and said, "You can help me bring Luke Skywalker to the dark side."
Jeff was busy looking at a magazine of questionable nature, nodding his head dumbly at Vader. "I find your lack of competence annoying," said Vader as he clenched his fist using the Force to choke Jeff.
The Moosel used a Force push to knock Vader through the door, allowing him easy escape. Jeff ran away and Darth Vader cried to several stormtroopers nearby, "After him!" They ran after him with the Dark Lord in pursuit.
They came to the cafeteria, where Jeff was guzzling down a bottle of Corellian ale, a jigger of Sullustan gin and a snifter of Chandrilan wine.
"Don't move!" shouted the stormtrooper squad leader as his men prepared to blast away at the Moosel.
Within seconds, Jeff had used the Force to move incredibly fast and gored the squad leader with his antlers. Jeff grabbed the fallen stormtrooper's fletchette and blasted the others to bits. Vader Force-pushed the spray of bullets back at Jeff and activated his lightsaber and the Moosel cried, "Come on then! Hell hath no fury like a drunken Moosel with a fletchette!"
Darth Vader deflected Jeff's shots and he said, "This is the end for you. You could have helped me in my hopeless, never-ending quest to bring Skywalker to the dark side!"
"This is the end for you, Darth Jukebox!" Slurred Jeff, "It's time to git-r-done! Hyuck, hyuck hyuck!"
Vader got close to Jeff and slashed one off his antlers off and kicked him in the groin.
"Ow! What was that all out about?"
Vader cornered Jeff and prepared to cut the Moosel in half, when Jeff pressed several buttons on the Dark Lord's chest pate, causing Vader to dance madly while playing a samba mix. Jeff fled and Vader reset his buttons and followed.
Jeff was holding very one on the command bridge hostage when Vader arrived. "All right," he told everyone, "I'ma gonna take this here vessel hostage!" he shot an officer that was trying to come up behind him. "Does anybody else wanna be hero?" demanded the drunk Moosel.
Vader walked down the bridge toward Jeff and the tipsy Moosel hit the hyperdrive blasting the crew off into hyperspace. Soon the fight resumed and the ship was rocked with blasts. Jeff looked out the viewport and saw asteroids launching plasma blasts at the Executor and he cried as Darth Vader threatened to behead him, "Hey! It's them 'Yuudong Long' fellas!"
"You idiot!" bellowed Vader as he broke Jeff's flechette, "Those are 'Yuuzhan Vong' not 'Yuudong Long'! And they are not supposed to come into the storyline until twenty-five years from now! You've ruined the continuity of the Expanded Universe!"
"I hate them anyway," said Jeff as he pulled down his britches and mooned the coralskippers. "Invade this, Yuulong Dong!"
Vader punched the Moosel in the face and hit the hyperdrive. "That ain't no way to treat a redneck Moosel!" spat Jeff.
The ship reemerged into realspace and Vader chopped off Jeff's last antler and Force-choked him.
"Uh, Darthy," said Jeff, "'Fore you kill me and all, I just wanted to say I Love you!"
"What?" said Vader as he tightened his grip.
"I figured since this has been a pretty bad fanfic, I thought I could spice it up by turning it into a humor/slash story that's all."
"Slash?" asked Vader, "Do you mean this kind of slash!" He then used his lightsaber to cut the Moosel's head off.
He turned off his lightsaber and ordered to the crew, "Gather his head and antlers and ready the krazy glue. I want his head on my wall."
He marched off and added, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room listening to my Sarah McLachlan tapes."
Later, Vader sat in his meditation chamber, listening to his Sarah McLachlan tapes when he heard a voice.
"Hey there, Darthy!" It was the Moosel's mount on the wall talking. "Didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did ya?"
"Shut up and leave me." Said Vader.
"Git-r-done!" shouted Jeff.
"I said shut up!" bellowed Vader.
"C'mon we'd make a really good team like you said before." Begged Jeff.
Vader stood up and punched the mount in the face and it broke into a thousand pieces.